Just out of an Abusive Relationship

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I know the answer to this question is actually irrelevant but just thought I'd ask for your opinions. I have just recently broken up with a guy who was abusive towards me. It was nothing too serious but enough to make me want to walk. He drunenly shoved me a few times which I could forgive, he punched me in the arm one morning when he couldn't find his keys ( I was standing innocently in the kitchen) but he said I was annoying him by not helping him look (I mean, what the hell?!). The final straw was a few weeks ago when he slapped me across the face and kneed me in the stomach. Goodbye, Never call me again, Go F*ck Yourself.

I was just wondering though, we were together for a few years and he always said he loved me to bits, thought I was sweet and kind etc. He acted like he really loved me most of the time. These episodes were spread out too not that it matters. It's true what they say seemingly - If he hits you once, you'll hit you again.

Anyway, everyone said he couldn't love you if he did that and people who are physically abusive are incapable of love.

My question is, did he hit me because he didn't love me? Was he taking his frustrations out on me and most importantly - Will he NOT hit the next girl he gets with if he really falls madly in love with her? If he loves her truly will he not hit her?

I know this no longer matters as I'm free but I'm very curious what people think?

Also, if anyone is brave enough to admit to hitting a partner, can you tell us some reasons why? Big ask I know but I have so many questions about this as it happened to me so recently and has broekn me a little.

Please share your thoughts guys

Wibbs

In my humble anyway, yes people can love those they abuse, but it's not a healthy love. It can look like one but that's where the problem is. It's damned confusing for the abusee. They usually end up questioning themselves and their value, which sounds like you're still doing by asking this question. I could be waaaayy off though so apologies if I am.

I think maybe they could love the abusee for a while but then it gets lost under all the other problems they have.

AARRRGH

Feelingstronger wrote: »

My question is, did he hit me because he didn't love me?

I think he probably did love you; he was just a damaged person.

If your future relationships, if your partner is abusive, leave him immediately.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

In my humble anyway, yes people can love those they abuse, but it's not a healthy love. It can look like one but that's where the problem is. It's damned confusing for the abusee. They usually end up questioning themselves and their value, which sounds like you're still doing by asking this question. I could be waaaayy off though so apologies if I am.

No, you are right. At the time I felt so awful but now that I'm free from him I feel much better. That question still bothers me though - If he truly loved me would he still have hit me? Also, will he hit the next girl or is it possible that he will fall in love so hard, have learned his lesson and never raise a fist again?
I know nobody has the exact answer here but even opinions are what I'm looking for.
Sorry, I'm just feeling confused about this. I would never hit anybody, epsecially someone I love. I would hit somone if they harmed my family say but that's it.

Is it once a hitter always a hitter regardless of who they end up with or can people change once they fall properly in love?

Also, he used to say that I brought out the worst in him and that he had never even considered hitting any other girlfriend or female friend. I don't know if that's even true but it could be. Will he hit the next one or was it just something about em that made him want to hit me? I know people can be incompatible but that doesn't mean they shoudl hit each other...sorry again for rambling:/

Oh The Humanity

Feelingstronger wrote: »

Hi Guys,

I know the answer to this question is actually irrelevant but just thought I'd ask for your opinions. I have just recently broken up with a guy who was abusive towards me. It was nothing too serious but enough to make me want to walk. He drunenly shoved me a few times which I could forgive, he punched me in the arm one morning when he couldn't find his keys ( I was standing innocently in the kitchen) but he said I was annoying him by not helping him look (I mean, what the hell?!). The final straw was a few weeks ago when he slapped me across the face and kneed me in the stomach. Goodbye, Never call me again, Go F*ck Yourself.

Well done, good for you for getting out!

Feelingstronger wrote: »

I was just wondering though, we were together for a few years and he always said he loved me to bits, thought I was sweet and kind etc. He acted like he really loved me most of the time. These episodes were spread out too not that it matters. It's true what they say seemingly - If he hits you once, you'll hit you again.

Anyway, everyone said he couldn't love you if he did that and people who are physically abusive are incapable of love.

Well 'everyone' doesn't know what they are talking about there. Yes, abusive people do love those they claim to. It doesn't stop them abusing you though. And they will always justify it somehow.
'I HAD to hit you to make you understand how YOU MAKE me feel when YOU dont help me look for the keys etc'
or
'you would'nt listen to me'
or
'you should have known I was upset that there the price of a pint went up 3 cent'
blah blah blah

Feelingstronger wrote: »

My question is, did he hit me because he didn't love me?

Categorically no. BUT his version of 'love' is not yours. In other words there is a flaw there. He does not take responsibility for his own feelings. Hurts you but then blames you. Its a faulty dynamic but not one that anyone can fix except the person themselves.

Feelingstronger wrote: »

Was he taking his frustrations out on me and most importantly - Will he NOT hit the next girl he gets with if he really falls madly in love with her?

Yes, he was taking his frustrations out on you and yes he will hit the next girl too. But he will still say it is her fault.

Feelingstronger wrote: »

If he loves her truly will he not hit her

He will hit whoever he is with whether he loves them or not. It matters not what the victim does at all. Its a classic thing victims do, question themselves and try to search for reasons/things they did wrong/right/searching for patterns, trying in vain to understand why the person did it to them. But they cannot find reasons/patterns/logic because the abuser will abuse because of their own disfunction regardless of what the victim does.

She can be submissive, she can be sassy and defiant, it makes no difference.

Feelingstronger wrote: »

I know this no longer matters as I'm free but I'm very curious what people think?

Also, if anyone is brave enough to admit to hitting a partner, can you tell us some reasons why? Big ask I know but I have so many questions about this as it happened to me so recently and has broekn me a little.

Please share your thoughts guys

This questioning phase will go on for a while, its natural, and you already mentioned at the top the answers are irrelevant, so you know already!
Smart girl!

Just dont pour too much energy into trying to get answers, because often, the answers are as non existant or ephemeral as the wind!

Best of luck with your future x

Katgurl

OP, I too was with a f**ker who hit me.

I can't say for sure if he hits his next girlfriend but my guess is he will.

Yes I think he loved me very much but it was a twisted possessive love of wanting to own me.

He never admitted to hitting me persay, there was always an excuse, he clearly wouldn't admit it to himself.

These men are scum and their behaviour is nothing to do with how much they love you / your actions / you as a person.

The questions you're asking are normal however and don't beat yourself up for wondering but relax in the knowledge that they will pass & you won't care anymore.

Sorry to hear what you've gone through by the way, not all guys are like this, which i know you know, but you possibly don't know on a subconscious level. Give yourself time to get over this horrible episode, therapy isn't for everyone but it certainly helped me.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

LegacyUser

I loved my last girlfriend very much..yet I hit her a few times. So yes it is possible to love someone and still hit them. Did I respect her though? Possibly not. I don't think I would have hit her if I did. I also don't think I would have hit her if I was afraid of losing her. To be honest it was a horribly destructive cycle that I got into which all stemmed from my own problems that were nothing to do with her - even though I may have blamed her at the time.

Would I hit a girlfriend again in the future? I honestly don't know. If I had the utmost respect for her and really did not want to lose her, then no, more than likely I wouldn't. If I felt that I wasn't the one with all the power in the relationship - then no, more than likely I wouldn't.

As long as I continue to sort out my own problems I would hope that I would be able to cope better in such situations in the future.

Katgurl

Unregistered wrote: »

I loved my last girlfriend very much..yet I hit her a few times. So yes it is possible to love someone and still hit them. Did I respect her though? Possibly not. I don't think I would have hit her if I did. I also don't think I would have hit her if I was afraid of losing her. To be honest it was a horribly destructive cycle that I got into which all stemmed from my own problems that were nothing to do with her - even though I may have blamed her at the time.

Would I hit a girlfriend again in the future? I honestly don't know. If I had the utmost respect for her and really did not want to lose her, then no, more than likely I wouldn't. If I felt that I wasn't the one with all the power in the relationship - then no, more than likely I wouldn't.

As long as I continue to sort out my own problems I would hope that I would be able to cope better in such situations in the future.

Having been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour it is taking all my willpower not to plow into you for this (and I'd be banned) but I must commend your honesty. I really didn't think the OP would get any responses to her request to any men that acted in this manner.

Can I ask a sincere question though? Reading your post makes it very clear that you've reflected on your actions and the motives behind them. But have you ever really sat down and considered how it must have felt to be in your ex-girlfriend's shoes ie. receiving violent abuse from someone a) bigger & stronger (presumably) and b) who she loved and expected love from?

I'm drawing conclusions here I know, that it was similar to my experience that the violence was pretty extreme and very frightening; compromising her own sense of safety.

If you don't want to answer I understand, I suppose its a rare opportunity to find a man willing to admit to this.

Also; sorry if this is perceived as draggign off topic and making about me - i'm presuming its still in line with the OP's original post.

Wibbs

I have to say I am surprised like Katgurl that someone would come on and admit and try to explain their side in this. I also commend your honesty. It may well be helpful to the OP if this poster explained more if he can.

Aloysius Flyte

Unregistered wrote: »

I loved my last girlfriend very much..yet I hit her a few times. So yes it is possible to love someone and still hit them. Did I respect her though? Possibly not. I don't think I would have hit her if I did. I also don't think I would have hit her if I was afraid of losing her. To be honest it was a horribly destructive cycle that I got into which all stemmed from my own problems that were nothing to do with her - even though I may have blamed her at the time.

Would I hit a girlfriend again in the future? I honestly don't know. If I had the utmost respect for her and really did not want to lose her, then no, more than likely I wouldn't. If I felt that I wasn't the one with all the power in the relationship - then no, more than likely I wouldn't.

As long as I continue to sort out my own problems I would hope that I would be able to cope better in such situations in the future.

All emotion aside, I find your comments very interesting if not a bit disturbing.

I'm not sure you did love her if you didn't respect her or weren't afraid of losing her. Is that love? My definition of love is based on mutual respect and certainly not wanting to lose them. But that's just me.

When did you lose respect for her? Why did you lose respect for her?
Did you lose respect for her because she loved you and gave you some control? Or was it that you couldn't understand why she loved you and therefore lost respect for her? To be honest, I find the 'no respect' comment poor excuse for your behaviour. It's the end result of the bigger thing behind it. It's implying that something in your girlfriends behaviour caused you to lose respect for her, and then in your own mind (in a warped way) justify your behaviour. That's dangerous thinking.

However, I do commend your honesty, but I believe there's much more to it than 'respect'.

Aloysius Flyte

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

However, I do commend your honesty, but I believe there's much more to it than 'respect'.

Hoenstly I was thinking to post earlier that it may also be about respect also, as a small part of it. However I wouldn't have meant it in the way that it was somehow the gf was at fault. I think it would be a very self centred and self focused state of mind to be in that position and, well, what the other person says or does at that point wouldn't matter at all.

pow wow

In an abusive relationship 'love' and the violence are relatively independent things; the absence or presence of the former doesn't necessarily dictate the presence or absence of the latter. And, as you said, it really doesn't matter.

Whether he loved you or not you need to remember that all the love in the world he might give you can't "fix" what he did. That comforts me sometimes

LegacyUser

Katgurl - at the time I didn't consider the effect on her really, because I couldn't understand how it was actually that bad. Physically I am not either bigger or stronger than her and the few times it happened it wasn't that sort of extreme and frightening idea of domestic violence that I would have always seen portrayed on TV and stuff - so I really didn't think it was as bad as I should have. It was only ever when I was drunk as well as I never would hit anyone when sober - which in my mind at the time allowed me to excuse it to a certain extent.

It was only recently since breaking up, that she explained to me how frightening it actually was and I was shocked. I really was because the idea of her being at all scared of me or my behaviour never really crossed my mind.

I'm not trying to excuse it in anyway of course (the no respect comment) I am only trying to explain what was going through my head at the time. I was very very depressed (amongst other things) which of course seeped into every aspect of my thought processes. I became a bully and because I couldn't express my anger, hurt etc at what was causing it, and when I couldn't take it out on myself anymore I took it out on the closest person to me because she was weaker than me.

I am of course not blaming her at all because obviously it was all because of me and all of it was my fault. But I will try and get across how, when suffering from mental disorders in particular it is very easy for ones own thoughts to become warped, especially when it comes to intense emotional situations.

Bluewolf - you are entirely right, it is an entirely self centred and self focused place to be. And when I was only considering myself and incapable of thinking of her, it was easy to not see the seriousness of my actions.

The respect issue is hard to define. I found it impossible to respect her for staying with me and for still loving me when I was treating her so awfully and in so many ways. Even though I loved her and wanted her to stay with me, I kept pushing her to test her limits. I know that I always said to her that if she had just stood up to me once, then I would have stopped and never treated her with such a lack of respect ever again - and I did believe that to be true. But she has said recently that she thinks it would have just made me worse and I would have kept on pushing.

Every case is different I imagine, because everyone is motivated by different things. For me it was a combination of depression, crippling self loathing, worthlessness and a terrifying fear of being alone, that paradoxically manifested itself into me constantly wanting to test the boundaries, just so one day if I had pushed her too far and she had left me I could have said "yeah, you see she was lying, she didn't love me after all, she left me."