How to let an old friend down gently?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I have a friend I know a long time. I do love her and all, but she seems to just get me into hassle/bring up negative stuff about the past etc when we're together. I have got into some trouble with her last night, and now I'm facing court because of my stupidness. I'm just wondering, how to break it gently that our friendship, is no longer viable. I'm terrified really, because in a lot of ways, I don't want to lose her. I am quite a nervous person in general, and saying no to her, just makes me feel like she wont have time for me anymore.

I dont want to get into the ins and outs about what happened last night, as i'm extremely ashamed of myself and i honestly feel like my whole world has come in on top of me

Any advice please, anyone?

lau1247

what did you do that is serious enough to go to court?

As to your question.. if gutless to say it face to face there's always other medium.. i.e. text, e-mail etc..

If she is so manipulative that she can talk you into doing something that makes you feel so bad.
You might be best off just blanking her. Give her no opportunity to weasle her way back in.

kittenkiller

Maybe just tell her that you're keeping your head down for the next month or so and stop contact. She'll get the message eventually.

LegacyUser

I recently decided to lose touch with a friend of mine. She had become very negative and I realised that I didn't really like hanging out with them... I was always walking on eggshells and I just wasnt comfortable.

I stopped taking calls and if I got a text I'd leave it a while to respond and when I did I would answer the question asked and not add much more to it....

At the start when I did answer the calls, I'd just say I was out with someone and couldn;t talk but would call them back, which I didn't.

If it's a relationship that isn't good for you then end it.

If it's something you want to salvage then you need to talk to her.

LegacyUser

I think you should tell her. It's totally gutless to just act distant and hope she'll get the message. Me and my best mate had another old friend do that to us and it's very confusing and hurtful and makes you look spineless. Just tell her outright.

LegacyUser

I let an old friend go last year, after 20 years of friendship. She had become a 'toxic friend', made me feel bad about myself, demanding, needy, negative.

I tried the distancing trick, not answering calls and texts, but it didn't work. she just assumed something was wrong at home and got more persistant!

In the end, I wrote her a letter ending the friendship, explaining that 'it was me, I had changed etc'.

It was one of the most difficult things I ever did in my life - and I was really upset at the time, but I just knew in my heart that if I didn't end the friendship, I would be stuck with it forever and I really resented it.

A year on - no regrets. Really glad I did it.

LegacyUser

Unregissszz wrote: »

I think you should tell her. It's totally gutless to just act distant and hope she'll get the message. Me and my best mate had another old friend do that to us and it's very confusing and hurtful and makes you look spineless. Just tell her outright.

+1

Be brave. Say things have gone to far and you want to cut contact for awhile, sorry but thats the way it is.

You'll know you've set your own limits and handled yourself like an adult and she'll get the chance to learn something.

CorkLady1983

hey, being upfront is probably the best thing. Hate when people do that whole blanking thing, it is so childish and immature.... one of my oldest friends from college did that to me last year, and I thought it was the rudest thing ever....
I'm not friends with her anymore, took her off my facebook and if I do see her just walk straight past. Having said that though, I got back in contact with two of my oldest friends from home and to be honest I've actually forgotten about her until now. I realised that perhaps we really had nothing in common for a while...

LegacyUser

Unregissszz wrote: »

I think you should tell her. It's totally gutless to just act distant and hope she'll get the message. Me and my best mate had another old friend do that to us and it's very confusing and hurtful and makes you look spineless. Just tell her outright.

Disagree.

Depends on the person you are dealing with. They may view an attempt to cut contact as a hostile personal attack and throw open a whole new bunch of drama.

This means you have to decide how you think they will take it.

Some people just seem to need pointless drama in their lives and if this is such a person do not go pouring petrol on the fire.

Are you doing it for your benifit or their benifit?

Sometimes loose ends don't need to be tied.

LegacyUser

bomomomom wrote: »

I recently decided to lose touch with a friend of mine. She had become very negative and I realised that I didn't really like hanging out with them... I was always walking on eggshells and I just wasnt comfortable.

I stopped taking calls and if I got a text I'd leave it a while to respond and when I did I would answer the question asked and not add much more to it....

At the start when I did answer the calls, I'd just say I was out with someone and couldn;t talk but would call them back, which I didn't.

If it's a relationship that isn't good for you then end it.

If it's something you want to salvage then you need to talk to her.

I might be off-topic with this but the above is very disrespectful and does leave room for a lot of thoughts, resentment and worrying about what's going on-that's mind games-and to be honest it doesn't show much of a positive person in you either-but yes it might make you feel better about your life/choise thinking that you are controling the situation with your phone-we are not responsible for others but we are responsible for the way we behave towards them-if you don't want to give any explanation jsut cut all contact-don't play around messing with others head hoping that they will get the idea eventually-wouldn't like to be at your friend place though...friendship last even though there was no contacT for a while or years...if one of you needs a break, space, time...but the way you behave jsut show how little respect you have for your friends once you decide they are not good for you anymore-