My marriage

LegacyUser

We're both mid thirties.

We've been on and off for nine years in total. Married three. We've survived two serious long term break ups, unemployment, one affair each, a miscarriage, current inability to get pregnant, past violence (both of us, now over), great sex followed by crappy sex, lots of mutual resentment, a broken heart each, lots of alcoholism and drug use in the early years. Now we're facing more unemployment. We love each other very deeply, of that there is no doubt. He is a lovely man, of that there is no doubt, though very hard work. I've no doubt that I'm hard work too, perhaps too independent. He won't leave me again, unless I decision to end it.
But I feel like there is another path for me and I'm not on it. Yes, I could be on the verge of something wonderful with him, if we make a big move he wants, or if we could get pregnant, perhaps down a medical route. But why is it so hard? I love him so deeply but I'm not sure this is what I want for my life? My life is passing really quickly and I only have one of them, I don't want more regrets, Maybe he could find more happiness elsewhere too?

I know no one here has the answer but any thoughts much appreciated.

Oh The Humanity

I am a firm believer if something is too hard, drama all the time, nothing going right, then the universe is telling you something.....

amybabes

a relationships not meant to be "hard work" though, i was in a relationship like this before i met my OH, and i stuck with it for at least 2 years more than i should have, and it took me a long time to get him out of my system.
U realise how wrong the past relationship was when theres no bickering and fighting, no mistrust and resentment etc. Sometimes its better to just have a clean slate with someone new..... thats just my advice, i left a relationship even though it nearly killed me at the time, and im here 3 years on blissfully happy, and my ex is still living with his mother, still a waster, still has issues..... best of luck!

Das Kitty

amybabes wrote: »

a relationships not meant to be "hard work" though.

Yeah it frigging is! Just not all the time.

OP I think even though you say that your relationship has survived all these things that it's hanging on with a thread. Unsuccessfully trying to conceive could push you both over the edge.

I would suggest you both seek counseling and put the baby making on hold for the time being.

I know you say you would like no regrets, but no regret stings as much as something you gave up without fighting for.

You may decide to break up but be sure you give your marriage every chance you can for it to work. Then you will be without regret.

Queen-Mise

What I want so say is cop on to yourself, but it probably wouldn't be very helpful :o

Marraiges take work, time and commitment. I could have very easily walked out of mine about five years ago. Nobody would have judged me harshly for it, I stuck with it and am delighted that I did. We have an incrediblely strong relationship now.

I think you have a case of the grass is greener on the other side:rolleyes: Things won't necessarily be any better if you leave this relationship. You are in a your thirties, starting again is hard. Unless you have an urge to always work in Africa, 12 months travelling or some such like; seriously think about your reasons for wanting to look outside the relationship.

The last thing I am going to say is something you mentioned about all the past difficulties in the relationship - alcoholism, violence and such like. All these things are in the past as you said. But they leave a legacy - it takes time for all these things to work themselves out.

I have no idea did the two of you get any professional or other help with all the stuff you went through, but it would be a good idea to do so. The hard work/high maintenance could all be helped with some outside help. Again not necessarily together, both of you could probably do with help by yourselves.

I have a little rant on this - unless you try every avenue, don't walk away. I have a motto of No Regrets - you don't want to look back on this situation in 5 years time and realise you made a huge mistake. Whereas another six months or a year now will make sure you know you are doing the right thing.

When you get married you are making a commitment to stay together through the good and the bad times.

LegacyUser

Queen-Mise wrote: »

What I want so say is cop on to yourself, but it probably wouldn't be very helpful :o

Marraiges take work, time and commitment. I could have very easily walked out of mine about five years ago. Nobody would have judged me harshly for it, I stuck with it and am delighted that I did. We have an incrediblely strong relationship now.

Good for you but thats the exception rather than the rule.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I think you have a case of the grass is greener on the other side:rolleyes:

Hey! sometimes the grass IS greener on the other side.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Things won't necessarily be any better if you leave this relationship.

Quite a negative outlook, I can tell a different story. Fear can stop people leaving when they should, that sounds quite a fear based statement.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

You are in a your thirties, starting again is hard.

Yes it is hard, but not as hard as staying in an wrong relationship flogging a dead horse.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Unless you have an urge to always work in Africa, 12 months travelling or some such like; seriously think about your reasons for wanting to look outside the relationship.

I think she 'seriously' is.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

The last thing I am going to say is something you mentioned about all the past difficulties in the relationship - alcoholism, violence and such like. All these things are in the past as you said. But they leave a legacy - it takes time for all these things to work themselves out.

Or maybe they have wreaked their harm and its all too little too late.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I have no idea did the two of you get any professional or other help with all the stuff you went through, but it would be a good idea to do so. The hard work/high maintenance could all be helped with some outside help. Again not necessarily together, both of you could probably do with help by yourselves.

Possibly, you could talk and talk and try to stick it back together again, but it doesn't sound like a natural fit. Control freakery can 'make' anything work but nothing can emulate a natural fit.

Queen-Mise wrote: »

I have a little rant on this - unless you try every avenue, don't walk away. I have a motto of No Regrets - you don't want to look back on this situation in 5 years time and realise you made a huge mistake. Whereas another six months or a year now will make sure you know you are doing the right thing.

Look, Im not belittling your personal experience, but its not right for everyone. She doesn't want to look back on it in 5 years time either having stayed and done all the forcing it and talking and all that and regret that either.

There IS another experience than the above OP, I left a difficult marriage in my 30's. Childlessness, alchoholism, drug misuse (both sides) financial difficulties, break ups, sticking it back together......

I hesitated over leaving but finally I did after x years. It was hard, but not as hard as staying. With him, nothing flowed. I got out, started again, had some lonely times of course, but never as lonely as I was in a wrong marriage. I got my own place, friends, life returned to a nice even keel without all the difficulty and artifical pushing two mismatched people together.

I didn't care about 'proving' to other people I could hold a marriage together no matter what. I think that is a great mistake. You only get one life and people dont really care anyway. Do what pleases you.

Anyway I met my soul mate since, its flows like a dream, he is easy, we are easy together. Its right, we dont need counsellors to hold it together. We are on the same page about money, sex and all those things which can be so divisive.

My advice, think carefully, think about 5 years time.......only you can decide if its worth it.

In my case the grass IS greener over here and I would NEVER go back.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for the contributions. You've spelled out both sides of it very well.

Maybe I should fill you in a little bit more on the background. Shameful, I know, but... my affair only ended recently. It went on for over a year with a guy who was offering marriage as well. I was unable to leave my husband for him because I couldn't handle the guilt. And I never loved my husband more than when I was feeling guilty. Contact is broken with the other one now but I believe he is still available. He won't be forever.

Meanwhile I have my difficult marriage. I don't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. Despite the ups and downs my long term friends still all love him. But I'm not in love, however deeply I love him (and he doesn't always make that easy!).

In five years time I'll be pushing forty and no doubt it will be a different ball game.

Even aside from knowing whats right or wrong, I don't know if I have the courage or the heart to leave my husband. We don't have property or children so we could probably get our lives untangled in about a week and he has another country to go to if needed. But still :-(

LegacyUser

I agree with the poster above who said that sometimes the grass IS greener.

I married my ex at 21. At that age you think it's forever and that you're perfect for eachother and reality doesnt really factor into it. We were married 7 years when I left, together for nearly 10.

Sometimes you have to do what is best, even though it can be the toughest thing ever. I loved my husband so much, and I know he loved me too, but it just wasn't right. There were lots of things about the two of us together that didn't work. Leaving him was one of the hardest thing sI have ever had to do, and staying away from him afterwards (i.e. not falling into the temptation of getting back with him because it was easy) was even harder.

The fact that you are so connected to each other emotionally will make your split very hard, if you do indeed decide you want to split. If you have broken up a few times already, it sounds like you both probably know what the best thing is. Marriage is always something that needs to be worked on, don't get me wrong. But there's only so much you can do to something that just isn't fixable.

Don't worry about starting over whatever age you are. It'll be hard, but worth it. You'll enjoy time on your own and doing what you please and seeing who you please.

It was the hardest thing I ever did, but the most worthwhile. I was so miserable in that marriage, and yes, I may have had to start over, but that hasn't been bad at all.

All the best OP, hope whatever happens you are happy.

xx

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here.

Thanks for the contributions. You've spelled out both sides of it very well.

Maybe I should fill you in a little bit more on the background. Shameful, I know, but... my affair only ended recently. It went on for over a year with a guy who was offering marriage as well. I was unable to leave my husband for him because I couldn't handle the guilt. And I never loved my husband more than when I was feeling guilty. Contact is broken with the other one now but I believe he is still available. He won't be forever.

No, he wont. So you did the 'right thing' and came back to your husband, and how do you feel now? All sorted? No, of course not, because from what you have written you and your husband have fallen into sibling love. So nothing has changed, your sacrifice is costly to you emotionally and its not getting you or your husband happieness anyway....What are you going to do .....go on for ever pushing an elephant up a hill, swimming through Treacle......?
The marriage is not working.

Meanwhile, he wont wait forever..........

Unregistered wrote: »

Meanwhile I have my difficult marriage. I don't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. Despite the ups and downs my long term friends still all love him.

Look, irrelevant what people think. They dont have to climb into bed every night with their heart breaking with guilt that their brotherly/sisterly love for their husband is not enough, guilt that they are emotionally elsewhere, passionate longing for the one you should really be with....Friends are full of useless platitudes, yes they love him, he's probably a great guy, but friends opinions are not enough to hold a marriage together.

Unregistered wrote: »

But I'm not in love, however deeply I love him

So there you go, the most important sentance in the whole post. You are not in love with him. Game over.

Unregistered wrote: »

In five years time I'll be pushing forty and no doubt it will be a different ball game.

I am 39 now, Im the one who left the mismatched marriage. I have never regretted it. I hesitated a long time, thats what I regret. Look, 40 is not old now. What do you want to be doing at 40? Still stuck in a dead marriage or happy and with someone who makes your heart sing every morning?
Every day of life should be sweet, dont think your life away.

Unregistered wrote: »

Even aside from knowing whats right or wrong, I don't know if I have the courage or the heart to leave my husband.

Well, only you can somehow get that together. Maybe try some counselling on your own.

Unregistered wrote: »

We don't have property or children so we could probably get our lives untangled in about a week and he has another country to go to if needed. But still :-(

You lucky, lucky thing, I had to fight through a hellish tangle and mess to escape, but by God did I escape!

CathyMoran

My husband and I have not had the easiest time during our time together (including a miscarriage and ttc and a LOT of serious illness) but apart from our breakups we have always considered them problems that have affected the two of us - sort of us against the world - attitude. I think that to survive this it might help to see your problems as something that the two of you can work through together - that is what we do - though I do consider my marriage to be my rock, my strength through all the trials of life, if that makes any sense. I dont know how you can change to that way of thinking or if it would even help your situation but I do think that communication helps any relationship - we are always honest with one another.

I really hope that it works for you, whatever you decide.

I do not believe that having bad things happening is a sign that you should give up - some of the best things in life have to be struggled to achieve so that you can fully appreciate them. Serious illness made us appreciate every second that we have with one another.

Love is stronger than most people take credit for.

Das Kitty

I think some of the Unregistered replies are a bit unfair.

I don't think you should tell OP to leave her husband. Nor do I think you should tell her to stay with him, she needs to make up her own mind.

She needs to be sure before she makes her move and just because in the process of you (Unregistered(s?)) becoming sure you feel you wasted your time, that is not to say that OP will have the same experience.

There's obviously something between them or she wouldn't have left her affair and returned to her husband when there are no physical ties there (children / mortgage) and she owes it to them both to try every avenue and be as sure as possible before making a decision.

LegacyUser

OP again.

Wow. Really good mature replies. So good its been painful to read some of them.

Yes, we must have something if we have lasted this long... and yes, I am paying a high cost for something that isn't making anyone particularly happy right now... and yes we are very emotionally bonded so a break up will/would be particularly hard.

Thanks for the excellent replies. Still don't know. Have promised myself I'll talk to him tonight. But I know he's not going to be able to solve this for me/us. He always says that if I want to break up, we'll break up, or not if I want - so I have to make this decision on my own. I don't blame him not wanting to take this responsibility, I don't want it either.

I already took time out on my own to think it through, (and also to put distance between me and the other one, I know I'm mourning that relationship now too). I always love my husband better from a distance so that didn't really give me answers. I also get on pretty well on my own, too well maybe. I can't seem to see a clear way forward. During the break I decided to come back and give it my best shot with him, but now I'm back and its not so easy. Life with him isn't terrible, it just isn't great. But I can't go on with all this doubt?

Anyway, thanks, will think about what you've all said.