Confirmation needed

LegacyUser

OK, so i think i basically know the answer to my own question here but would still like others opinions! anyway long story short, i've been seeing this girl for a few months, sometimes good sometimes not so much. I really like her but she has issues going on in regard to her last relationship. I don't really know the full story but he wants back with her and she up to now didn't. She has stepped back from us on a few occasions and said she's not ready for anything and wants to be friends, but everytime a few days later when we meet we end up with eachother again.
Anyway at the wekend we were out again i stayed over at hers and all was good. She was a bit down when i left but i just put that down to tiredness, till later in the evening i get a text saying that we can only be friends and that she still loves her ex, we can never be more etc. I rang her back and we talked for a long time about it, apparently he had been onto her again that day and was coming to see her this week to try and get back together, she has obviously succumbed to the idea after all the pressure he has put on her, but as we talked she said that she didn't know and that she was confused and maybe she should just be single and meet other people.
I asked a few times to just be honest and tell me she wasn't into me anymore etc. so that ii could get some closure and move on but all i got was whispered, "i do like you, i just don't know what to say"
She asked me to let her be for a few weeks, and i said no problem and i will, but its tearing me up at the moment cos there may still be a glimmer of hope for us in the future.
Basically i think i know that i shuld just move on now and forget it but would like o know if any of ye would think i should not give up on her just yet? (i've even asked her does she want me to give up, and i got a "do you want to give up?" with a shake of her head) I mean im mad about this girl but this is getting to the point now where it's unhealthy for both of us!
Guess i've just answered my own question hey!!!


I asked a number of times

bluecell99

You are denying yourself the chance to meet somebody who is free.She is'nt.You are the meat in the sandwich between her and her "ex".Its head wrecking baloney.Get out now and relax your brain.Dont go down the road of thinking there is a glimmer of hope in the future.Be kind to yourself because she has'nt been.

I am sure you know this as you intimated in your post and maybe you want strangers validation.Well you have it.Cut all contact immediately.

You will meet someone.Just move on.You have to do it for you.

bambera

Seems like shes not over the last guy yet. Should it really be this hard at the start of a relationship?

I mean, I know you have to put the work in but going with someone who is still thinking of getting back with her ex is a bit of a bad sign.:(

LegacyUser

bluecell99 wrote: »

You are denying yourself the chance to meet somebody who is free.She is'nt.You are the meat in the sandwich between her and her "ex".Its head wrecking baloney.Get out now and relax your brain.Dont go down the road of thinking there is a glimmer of hope in the future.Be kind to yourself because she has'nt been.

I am sure you know this as you intimated in your post and maybe you want strangers validation.Well you have it.Cut all contact immediately.

You will meet someone.Just move on.You have to do it for you.

+1.... Time to move on and find someone nice...you appear very genuine so you deserve some 100%...

Best of luck with it

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, I know deep down that ye're right its just difficult to give up all hope when i know that she does have some feelings for me even if they're not as strong as mine. for my own sake i suppose it's time to cut my losses and "set her free", but even saying that im still thinking that she might come back to me in a few weeks / months, its a hope i know i shouldn't harbour, then again logic isn't really a strong player when it comes to this kind of thing.

AARRRGH

Unregistered wrote: »

it's time to cut my losses and "set her free" "set myself free"

Fixed.

LegacyUser

Forget her....

I have been that girl, after breaking up with my ex, finding a new lovely, amazing guy, but still had the spark for my ex. Pulled back a few times, just like your girl here did. But in the end I found my way back to my ex, inevitably hurting the new guy.

I didn't ever set out to hurt him, hence the pulling back, but still couldnt help myself as I really started falling for him. But I dont believe you can be with someone new while you still hold something for your ex. She will end up back with him and you will get yourself hurt. Lucky in my situation new guy was really nice and understanding...she's not doing it to be a bitch, I'm sure she genuinely loves hanging with you etc. Her ex just got there first.

Move on and find someone unattached, someone you deserve.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Guess i've just answered my own question hey!!!

Yes you have.
Cut all contact.
She is not for you and you dwelling on her will just cause you misery.

LegacyUser

Ok little update here, got a text message last nite, saying that she's not getting back with the ex that she was talking stupid when she was saying that, said that she does really like me too and that she misses me a bit, but doesn't know how she feels right now.
She still wants the time apart put wants me not to worry about being with other people.
To be honest I think she is being as fair as she can in the circumstances and obviously just isn't ready for another relationship...looking back everytime we seemed to get closer or talk more intimatley is the time she'd step back, said she was crying about it last night too apparently so she must have some feelings right??!!
so what would ye think now?
Should i still forget it, think it's best for me to leave her space time etc. and see what happens, but not hold out too much hope? whats meant to be will be right?
i must admit tho that it has put me in a much better place about the whole thing. can't deecide if thats my ego taking a massage or the fact that there is still a chance of us being together after all.

AARRRGH

She clearly isn't ready for another relationship. She has told you this many times.

By all means keep the door open for her to return into your life, but you have to move on for the sake of your sanity.

You don't actually need this girl. Currently she is making your life worse, i.e. she is wrecking your head.

Do you think it's right that your partner should lower the quality of your life?

Wibbs

You can call it a rebound or whatever, but IMHO a better question is, are there more than two people in the relationship? If so, bad plan. In this case she's in confused, in betweeny mode. The ex is on her mind and so are you. Until she moves beyond that and he's defo in her past, you may forget about it IMHO.

Yes she may go out with you, she may go out with you long term, but if he's in the background in her mind(or much worse still in her life), you'll never get the amount of emotional attachment someone deserves in a relationship.

That's what I've seen happen more than once. I know women that are with guys(some for years) and it appears all rosy, but the ex is in their heads to this day, in three cases still in their lives and the current squeeze has no clue, he's not getting the attention he should be.

Or people can use someone as a bridge to the next relationship. That's even more common IME. They have unresolved feelings over the ex, they go out with another and bounce the two around in their heads. Usually they end up with a third party as the inbetweeny guy reminds them of a past they would prefer to leave behind. I know a guy who does this regularly.

I myself am more the inbetweeny guy looking back. The heart starter guy kinda thing. More than any of my mates anyway. For the most part it didn't worry me TBH as I saw it for what it was, but even when it didn't it was a headwreck at times and I didn't fall in love. I have been the ex too on one occasion. At first a major head and heart wreck for me, but looking back the funny thing is I now feel more sorry for the guy who came after me as she seemed to require me in her life. He simply wasn't enough.

Nowadays I would make it a particular point not to go out with and defo not to fall in love with someone who wasn't over their exes and expressed doubt and confusion over me because of it. I have found for the most part that people(women in my case) who are in this state of emotional confusion are not to be trusted to make a good future with. One day they can say they love you(and mean it at the time) and yet the next can be jumping the ex and telling him the same thing and meaning that too. Also by tacitly agreeing you're almost giving them permission to act that way. Head wreck.

My advice after that rambling? Stop asking her to make a choice. If her ex knows his stuff, he won't and strangely will be more attractive to her I have found. We all value things more if we have to work for them and that includes love IMHO. Back right off. Say to yourself it's over, or at least it's over until she makes a concrete decision. Then let her contact you, let her make the move.

In the interim, move on. Meet other women. If she wants you this will not be any impediment for her to hear you've been dating and moving on. It's better for you too.

My 2 cents anyway.

LegacyUser

Thanks, i see your points, i do think that she is in a confused place, i've never asked her to make a decision, just that i'm happy to be cool with things till she gets her head sorted and see what happens, she agreed that this was a good idea but as i said everytime we seem to get closer she freaks for want of a better word, im thinking that maybe she gets scared about where we're heading.
Told her last night not to worry about it and that she should take her time and get onto me when she's ready,.....replied with a everything is fine if i understand the situation that she doesn't want anything serious, and that we can meet up soon....think im gonna just tell her that its better we leave it a couple weeks and see eachother then!

At the same time i mighted have been as clear in previous posts about myself, i am crazy bout this girl but i have still been chatting up etc. others when she wasn't around, we never were in a relationship and i understood that (even if i don't really like it), i don't mind her meeting other ppl at the moment either just not when i'm around...i don't want to know about it which i think is fair!

so i think the best course is to not have contact for a cpl weeks (we had been in daily contact) and after that see how things lie, it's gonna be though tho!

LegacyUser

Thought i'd give a bit of an update as yere reponses a few weeks ago were really helpful, anon opinions can often be the best i think as ye can't have preconcived notions etc.

Anyway as i said we agreed not to have contact for a couple of weeks and see haw we felt then, this lasted all of 2 days, I instigated it to be fair, just by email, cos i wanted to tell her that she should do whatever made her happy and not to worry bout anyone but herself at the mo etc. didn't expect reply, next day I got one and so on for the rest of the week not by phone tho just by email...thats how good we were at cutting contact!!!!

So we met the following week went for a walk and had a chat, she was sayng that she wanted to call me the week before but couldn't as she had deleted my number, that it felt weird not being in contact etc. This i feel was a sure sign that its not a lost cause.

we were both away for the weekend followng so didn't meet and she's very busy at work at the moment so its not easy, there have been really "flirty" texts etc. for want of a better word going tho...

We have agreed as i said that its cool for us to see other ppl at the mo, i was meeting a friend during the week so had to cancel meeting her....she didn't seem to have a problem but sent a "joking" text later asking who ya meeting well?? I sent a joke back saying whay are ya jealous??? no reply
this is thought was a good sign for us looking forward....
but in the few days since she has been a bit back offish again, nothing major just not replying to texts for a few hours etc. We were supposed to meet agin last night but i had to cancell again...we are meeting tonight tho so we'll see how that goes,
I think that alot of this is that im putting way to much thought into it i try not to but she's constantly on my mind!!! im starting to get the feeling from s few things she's said that she's doing the same, ,aybe thats the problem
I wanna just ask her how she's feeling and wether she sees it going anywhere but i know its better to play it cool (shes even said this) and the last thing i want is to have her freak again!
Anyway sorry for the rant sometimes typing this stuff out just helps me get things into prespective!