Relationship waiting game

Phoenix_Rising

My OH and I are together 2 and a half years. I love him with all my heart and soul. He thinks he feels the same but he has some emotional issues. Basically he says that he has never been in love before. He doesnt love his family and sometimes he thinks he may be incapable of really "feeling" love.

I am certain that i want a future with him, he is less so as he is afraid of his inability to feel.

We have had a number of discussions about this over the past few months. It came to a head last night. I said that i was finding it very difficult to cope with not knowing what, if any, future we had together. He said that he understood this and that it was unfair to me for him to keep putting off making a decision.

Basically, i have moved out for a few days to give him some space to make a decision. I guess i will be either engaged or single by the weekend.

Is there anything i can do to help sway the decision my way? Should i just give him his space and hope he sees that what we have is special.

I know that he is in bits trying to make this decision but the feeling of helplessness is killing me.

Also, should i talk to people ( like my family) about this? Im afraid that if i do and we end up getting engaged it will cause a strain - but im also afraid that the strain will get to me if i dont talk to someone.

Finally, is this normal? Should he just "know" if i am the one? Should he have to put thought into whether or not he wants to propose or does that very fact mean that he doesnt love me.

Any and all replies gratefully received...

Balmed Out

Yes he should need to put thought into it.

No you should not try to sway his decision.

If its not wholeheartedly his choice now it'll only bite you on the ass in a few years when ye break up with two babies in your arms.

Talk to your family is a bit iffy they are never likely to like him given his strange im not sure im capable of love attitude. Try a friend instead.

Is this normal???? Its perfectly normal to need to think about something like this. Whats not normal and in my opinion a bit strange is the whole feeling thing. At the end of the day I dont know him but id imagine he should be getting professional advice for that problem and holding off on any decision about marriage until thats resolved.

Best of luck

Zulu

Phoenix_Rising wrote: »

Is there anything i can do to help sway the decision my way? Should i just give him his space and hope he sees that what we have is special.

Did you ask him to marry you?
If not, aren't you just forcing him into a decision??
How does it feel to you when people force you to make a life decision???

Generally speaking, people don't like being forced to make decisions - particularly important ones. This could have been a mistake. Ideally, I'm sure, he'd have liked to reach this decision in his own time, on his own terms. However lets not worry about all that.

There is nothing you can do to coerce his decision. You can try offering him oral on demand for life, but ultimately, he either he chooses to stay with you for his own reasons or he doesn't.

The bright side of this (although it mightn't seem like it) is that it's totally out of your hands, so if you can, you can stop worrying about it. You can't control it any more. And ultimately this will work out for you. If he leaves, you aren't wasting any more time on a doomed relationship, if he stays you get your day out.

Best of luck.

Zulu

...oh yea, and:
Nothing is normal in a relationship.

Phoenix_Rising

Zulu wrote: »

Did you ask him to marry you?
If not, aren't you just forcing him into a decision??
How does it feel to you when people force you to make a life decision???

Generally speaking, people don't like being forced to make decisions - particularly important ones. This could have been a mistake. Ideally, I'm sure, he'd have liked to reach this decision in his own time, on his own terms. However lets not worry about all that.

There is nothing you can do to coerce his decision. You can try offering him oral on demand for life, but ultimately, he either he chooses to stay with you for his own reasons or he doesn't.

The bright side of this (although it mightn't seem like it) is that it's totally out of your hands, so if you can, you can stop worrying about it. You can't control it any more. And ultimately this will work out for you. If he leaves, you aren't wasting any more time on a doomed relationship, if he stays you get your day out.

Best of luck.

I have told him that i dont need a decision one way or another at this time but he feels that he will continue to procrastinate unless he gives himself a deadline. It is he who has decided that he needs to decide one way or another in relation to this.

Wibbs

Zulu wrote: »

...oh yea, and:
Nothing is normal in a relationship.

Yes and no. While the range of romantic relationships is quite a big one, I think people sometimes over egg how individual they are and their relationships are. There are pretty consistent patterns to successful ones, regardless how unusual they may appear from the outside. Honesty would be a biggy. Consistency would be another. Over all balance of feelings would be another biggy. Communication would be yet another.

IMHO good healthy relationships have those qualities. The best relationships come about when two people want much the same things and are emotionally balanced before and outside the relationship. If one is struggling emotionally and this is a long term thing, I personally wouldn't give it much hope, unless that party was willing to try to move forward for themselves and actively did so.

The OP can do sweet F all to influence his decision. Indeed by trying to, she'll 9 times outa 10 influence it the wrong way. Big mistake. I would say let him be. Cut contact down to a minimum. I'd nearly go so far as to say start to move forward with your own life as if he wasn't going to be part of your future. I'd bring some of that thinking to bear anyway. Give him the chance to miss what you bring to his life kinda thing and give yourself the chance to breathe and step back too.

Phoenix_Rising

He says he needs until Friday- is it a good sign or a bad sign that he needs this much time?

Staying at a grotty b&b last night nearly killed me - im just finding this so hard and i dont know what to do.

RossFixxxed

Oh for the love of god. What the hell is this? His reasons are frankly stupid, we've all had big issues in the past (that's why we're here right?)

If he doens't know at this stage then he doesn't want it.

Sorry to be blunt but you are being put in a ridiculous situation.

He sounds like a dithering child when offered 2 toys in a toy shop. I wouln't commit too much to someone like that.

r

Zulu

It's not good you are staying at a grotty B&B while he makes up his mind. Were you living in his house?
As Wibbs said, you need to start thinking as though he's going to end it. Prepare yourself for the worst. Start looking forward.
IF he decides to come with you - fair enough, but the point is: you are moving on.

Wibbs

Zulu wrote: »

IF he decides to come with you - fair enough, but the point is: you are moving on.

Sums it up IMHO

Phoenix_Rising

Zulu wrote: »

It's not good you are staying at a grotty B&B while he makes up his mind. Were you living in his house?
As Wibbs said, you need to start thinking as though he's going to end it. Prepare yourself for the worst. Start looking forward.
IF he decides to come with you - fair enough, but the point is: you are moving on.

I was living at his house, my house is rented out so i cant stay there. He is splitting the cost of the b&b with me.

I guess ill know one way or another on Friday .

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this that actually turned out well?

Phoenix_Rising

Wibbs wrote: »

Sums it up IMHO

Do i not at least owe him a few days space though?

Or am i just clutching at straws?

Latchy

Thing is OP sounds like he is trying to honest with himself as much as you in that He might not be able to feel this thing called Love .Some people just dont feel or express in the way others do and their might be a lot of factors at play here as to why this is ie ,something in his own chemical makeup ie ,a childhood / emotional rejection of sorts ,not being allowed to express as a child any feeling or emotions himself .This does not mean he is not capable of feeling ,showing and giving love .It's just he doesn't understand what it is and needs help .I think he needs a bit of space and I would suggest he goes to see a counselor who deals in this subject .It might help him ( and you ) to understand why he is the way he is .

Phoenix_Rising

Latchy wrote: »

Thing is OP sounds like he is trying to honest with himself as much as you in that He might not be able to feel this thing called Love .Some people just dont feel or express in the way others do and their might be a lot of factors at play here as to why this is ie ,something in his own chemical makeup ie ,a childhood / emotional rejection of sorts ,not being allowed to express as a child any feeling or emotions himself .This does not mean he is not capable of feeling ,showing and giving love .It's just he doesn't understand what it is and needs help .I think he needs a bit of space and I would suggest he goes to see a counselor who deals in this subject .It might help him ( and you ) to understand why he is the way he is .

Thats a very good description of him actually. He is a really caring and loving person, he is just not certain that he understands love.

Latchy

Phoenix_Rising wrote: »

Thats a very good description of him actually. He is a really caring and loving person, he is just not certain that he understands love.

We often hear the term ' I love my wife /girlfriend / boyfriend /husband but I'm not in love with her /him ' which sounds confusing . but I understand that is probably not that same as not feeling at all .Best of luck PR and hope the outcome comes good for you both .

LegacyUser

Is there a chance that people are 'unable to feel love' with a partner because they're not with the right person?. You seem more into him than the other way around- it appears to be a bit unbalanced. Don't keep running after him. Get on with things and be independent. I think hanging around for a guy is rubbish. If he wants you and cares about you badly enough he'll come after you.

Latchy

maybe123 wrote: »

Is there a chance that people are 'unable to feel love' with a partner because they're not with the right person?. .

That is the most common scenario I would imagine for a lot of people and it might be OP's to .She may also have to move on .

Zulu

Phoenix_Rising wrote: »

Do i not at least owe him a few days space though?

Or am i just clutching at straws?

You don't owe him anything.

I think you might be clutching alright.

Phoenix_Rising

Latchy wrote: »

That is the most common scenario I would imagine for a lot of people and it might be OP's to .She may also have to move on .

Maybe, but i hope not.

Has anyone anything positive to add - i feel a bit like im drowning here...

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I've been through this - both sides of it - more than once!

Example A - a bf who needed three weeks to make decisions. Then dumped me.

Example B - a guy who said he had this weird 'no love' thing going on, like your guy. He took a week out, came back, said he wanted me, got the fear a month later & dumped me.

Example C - A bf who gave ME an ultimatum, and I ended up marrying him, eh, for better or for worse.

What I have learned is that this is a true waiting game. You cannot contact him, alsolutely cannot contact him. Believe me I know how incredibly hard and hurtful this is, but get a piece of paper and start writing down things you could do with your life if you're free - travel, whatever. You're going to be fine, however this goes. As you can see from my list life gives you many opportunities, and I'm really really glad I didn't end up with Example A.
Also remember this timeline you and him have with the friday thing is a little bit artificial (unwise?). If he dumps you, take it on the chin. Be gracious, not bitter. If you throw a fit the door will close forever. likewise if you pressure him, he's under enough pressure already. This is real life it may not all be neatly resolved by friday, you can't control his choices but you can control how you react to them. Remember that and you won't feel so pwerless. I hope it works out.

Phoenix_Rising

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

I've been through this - both sides of it - more than once!

Example A - a bf who needed three weeks to make decisions. Then dumped me.

Example B - a guy who said he had this weird 'no love' thing going on, like your guy. He took a week out, came back, said he wanted me, got the fear a month later & dumped me.

Example C - A bf who gave ME an ultimatum, and I ended up marrying him, eh, for better or for worse.

What I have learned is that this is a true waiting game. You cannot contact him, alsolutely cannot contact him. Believe me I know how incredibly hard and hurtful this is, but get a piece of paper and start writing down things you could do with your life if you're free - travel, whatever. You're going to be fine, however this goes. As you can see from my list life gives you many opportunities, and I'm really really glad I didn't end up with Example A.
Also remember this timeline you and him have with the friday thing is a little bit artificial (unwise?). If he dumps you, take it on the chin. Be gracious, not bitter. If you throw a fit the door will close forever. likewise if you pressure him, he's under enough pressure already. This is real life it may not all be neatly resolved by friday, you can't control his choices but you can control how you react to them. Remember that and you won't feel so pwerless. I hope it works out.

Thank you. I got a text from him this evening saying that i should feel free to come home whenever i want and maybe this is just too hard to do right now.

Im not sure what is going to happen next.

Fingers and toes crossed.

LegacyUser

Glad to hear it babe.

Ultimateums and deadlines aren't really how things pan out usually. You know what you want and you're not going to settle for less, fair play, but there's no harm in taking the pressure off and being good to each other either.

Hope it works out. If it doesn't remember you've lots of other adventures to fill the man shaped gap.

:-)

CDfm

You should go home and face it as you will feel better for it.

Best of luck.

Tinchy

id say give him a few weeks, the whole marrying thing is a big dcision after only 2 years but at the same time he should know how he feels about you after this long.
this happened me with my ex, after 2 years, during the break up, he said he didnt ever see us getting married but at the same time didnt see us breaking up, he obviously just didnt think about the future which seems to be the same as your bf.
i left him, he realised he didnt want any1 else and wanted to marry me! my advice is give him a few weeks, NO contact and see how he is then. he probably just never thought about your future together and now feels pressured.

vorbis

I'd have to say I'd be a bit similar to you bf. My family were never that did on emotion and I typically don't get the "madly in love" feeling. With my last gf, I cared a lot for her and presumed I loved her. Indeed I could have seen myself marrying her if things had worked out. My own opinion is that everyone is different and not everyone experiences love the same way. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that.

Phoenix_Rising

Meeting is now this evening at 7. IM sick sick sick about it.

I decided that there was no point in going home last night as we would only have to do all this again some other time.

Just for the record, it is he who is putting the ultimatum in place not me.

Gyalist

I have followed all your previous posts but have never commented. I have to let you know that I admire you greatly for the will power that you've shown in trying to overcome your demons.

As regards the current situation, sadly, I have to say that it was entirely predictable. It's not unknown for people in your partner's position to review all their relationships as a consequence of trying to beat their addictions. It often happens that the long-suffering partner becomes associated with the addiction in the person's mind.

I've also seen situations where men who claimed that they felt incapable of feeling love quickly move on after the relationships ended. Meeting someone new, marrying and starting a family in very short order and leaving the previous girlfriends totally bereft. The message that they are sending is "I want to get married... but not to you."

I know this message seems negative but I don't get a good feeling about your situation.

Whatever happens this evening, you will survive. I wish you well.

Phoenix_Rising

Hey,

Well we had the talk. He confirmed that his figured out that he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He has some stuff that he wants both him and i to work on - which agree with.

Engagement? Not yet, but we are 90% of the way there.

Thanks for all the advice, it helped give me food for thought for the last few days.

And for those that notice these things. - 1 year, 9 months and 15 days sober today ;-) and the last few days have been some of the hardest.

thebiggestjim

Good luck

estar

a big test of sobriety passed if nothing else.

Gyalist

Glad to see that my opinion turned out to be wrong. I hope that it all works out well for you.

Zulu

I honestly had 0 faith.
Delighted to see I was totally wrong!

Nice one.