F*** buddy rules

LegacyUser

I have been casually seeing this guy for six months now. I'm trying not to get attached but feel myself slipping.
Trouble is, he makes it so difficult! Sometimes he sleeps over which leads to intense cuddling and all the stuff that goes with it. He texts for the craic. Tells me I'm the best sex he's ever had and that I'm lovely and hot.

I think a real relationship between us would be disasterous for a number of reasons but I'm afraid it's headed that way.

Am I over-reacting? I have the most fun with him that I've ever had in my life so I don't want to end it. I'm afraid he's falling for me.

I'd appreciate any advice on what you might think is going on in his head and whether I should call this quits.

Thanks

star-pants

Just to clarify
-you find yourself slipping because you're growing attached?
-you think he may be falling for you?

(would this be a big problem?)

AARRRGH

Jaysus, you've been seeing him for six months yet you aren't comfortable talking to him about your relationship?!

Talk to him before you call it quits. Don't try to imagine what he's thinking. It's possible he feels the same as you.

LegacyUser

yes on both counts starpants

bluecell99

So which is it?He's falling for you or is the other way round?Would this be so disastrous?What are the reasons it could be disastrous?If you are both free then why not?

@ buddy who wham bams and thank you mam - till the next time he needs relief.

Could it be that a blossoming relationship is forming and ,despite your best efforts,he sees this as well?

Well zippity do da.How strange?Humans falling for each other?

Dont resist is what I would say and go with the flow.

estar

i dont understand how you can be so intimate and share great moments and yet be completely unable to share your innermost thoughts, your insecurities, your fears.

i dont think you should be so intimate and personal with someone that you cant share your entire self with. if you feel you cannot let yourself go, why be with this person?

if this person isnt someone you feel comfortable enough to go out with why almost go out with them? isnt that just preventing you from meeting someone you do get along with?

i know i dont understand the whole f^ck buddy concept. i think it goes against the entire grain of what human relations are based on. i think its basic premise is - i want to take what i want from you and not commit to giving anything back, but its cool because i am being honest, and you have to be ok with that and not get attached no matter how intimate we are.

and that just doesnt work because people arent able to be that emotionally contained. we dont work along those lines. i think unless you are completely emotionally detached from yourself which is not a good and healthy place to be the f7ck buddy thing always results in one of the people getting hurt. i think its dangerous, and to think you can stay friends afterwards is ridiculously naive.

i think there is something terribly sad about being so physically intimate with someone and sharing only part of yourself and being unable to share the whole self. to me thats like having the sponge cake and no cream.

be honest about your feelings with this person with whom you have shared so much else and see what happens. take the risk to be emotionally open.

one night stands i get, because of the often raw passion that spawns them. but i dont think i will ever think the f6ck buddy thing will work.

themadchef

Unregistered wrote: »

Sometimes he sleeps over which leads to intense cuddling and all the stuff that goes with it. He texts for the craic. Tells me I'm the best sex he's ever had and that I'm lovely and hot.

A fcuk buddy relationship is not what you have. You have a guy who's staying over and cuddling you for Gods sake!

If this was a FB style relationship it would be a "thank you very much, until the next time, now pick your kacks up off the floor and mind the door doesn't hit you in the ass on the way out" situation.

FB in my humble opinion is sex with someone you trust but whom you are not emotionally attached to...you sista, are attached whether you like it or not.

Talk to the guy ffs or one of you is heading for heart break city.

TriceMarie

From my expirence I have learned that guys fall very easily&quickly for girls they're involved with...surprisingly more than girls(although that's just my opinion based on my expirences)
As someone once said to me "Girls fall often but little when they do....but guys fall little but alot when they do"...

So yes,I defiently think he is attached to you.Perhaps he feels the same as you,is frightened to say anything incase he thinks it might get akward,or you don't feel the same way...if it's what you want,whynot try a proper relationship with him where you talk about things and aren't uncomfortable...easier said than done,I know...
God luck!:D

upmeath

OP, talk about it, you seem to be open-minded enough to have a relationship that could be classed as "an arrangement" or "friends with benefits". That in itself doesn't manifest itself without some constructive dialogue. Maybe freeze frame for a second and talk to him about where you are now, and don't try to hide any emotions that have developed just to continue the charade of being FBs, if you discover it's developed into something more for either (and hopefully both) of you, pursue it. Bon chance.

LegacyUser

OP, Ive been in a FWB relationship and that isnt, at least not in my experence, what you and this guy have. My FWB and me would meet now and again but never spent the night together. Unfortunatly I started to fall for him and now I've ended up heart broken since he has met someone, so to be fair to your friend you need to talk to him NOW before you or him get any more attached

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies.

Sorry it doesn't look like I've made myself clear - I don't want a proper relationship with him. I'm happy with what I have. I'm just wondering am I over-reacting to his behaviour....i.e. do you think he might have feelings for me based on this?

Also, as I said he stays over SOMETIMES not most of the time. When he does it's the cuddling etc that freaks me out (contrary to what one poster suggested).

So, should I stop this? Or keep going based on the presumption he hasn't said anything so it's fair game?

If I do keep going with this, are there things I should be doing to minimise the attachment thing, aside from the obvious (i.e. not letting him stay over anymore).

All responses greatly appreciated.

erms

If you want it to just be a FB relationship, then make it one. Why don't you go to him and go home after? Or ask him to leave yours? Don't reply to his texts, unless it's a booty call.
Does that sound like you'd be hurting his feelings? If you think that would hurt him, then you think he has feelings for you, so you need to talk to him about what is going on between you.

Dord

Make sure he's clear about what's supposed to be going on. He may not be, or may need reminding.

Miss Fluff

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been casually seeing this guy for six months now. I'm trying not to get attached but feel myself slipping. Trouble is, he makes it so difficult! Sometimes he sleeps over which leads to intense cuddling and all the stuff that goes with it. He texts for the craic. Tells me I'm the best sex he's ever had and that I'm lovely and hot.

I think a real relationship between us would be disasterous for a number of reasons but I'm afraid it's headed that way.

Am I over-reacting? I have the most fun with him that I've ever had in my life so I don't want to end it. I'm afraid he's falling for me.

I'd appreciate any advice on what you might think is going on in his head and whether I should call this quits.

Thanks

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies.

Sorry it doesn't look like I've made myself clear - I don't want a proper relationship with him. I'm happy with what I have. I'm just wondering am I over-reacting to his behaviour....i.e. do you think he might have feelings for me based on this?

Also, as I said he stays over SOMETIMES not most of the time. When he does it's the cuddling etc that freaks me out (contrary to what one poster suggested).

So, should I stop this? Or keep going based on the presumption he hasn't said anything so it's fair game?

If I do keep going with this, are there things I should be doing to minimise the attachment thing, aside from the obvious (i.e. not letting him stay over anymore).

All responses greatly appreciated.

Ask yourself why you really want to put a stop to it.

I find your posts a little contradictory if I'm honest.

You're happy with the time you have together, you feel yourself slipping into attachment, it's the most fun you've ever had in your life but "I swear your Honour" you've no interest whatsoever.

You know what? If you have no interest in him and the thought that he is getting attached vexes you or worries you then just cut him loose. Phone him now and tell him you never want to see him again....

.....I've a feeling you won't want to. It's a classic case of deflection....OMG OMG he's falling for me! Oh no! How awful!

I've been on both sides of that situation before. One with someone I knew was getting attached so I unceremoniously cut him loose as I honestly had no interest and didn't want to give false hope when I really was not interested in anything other than sex.

The other, like you, putting it out there that he was getting attached when all along it was me that was falling for him.

Have a good think about what you really want from this OP.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Ask yourself why you really want to put a stop to it.

I find your posts a little contradictory if I'm honest.

You're happy with the time you have together, you feel yourself slipping into attachment, it's the most fun you've ever had in your life but "I swear your Honour" you've no interest whatsoever.

You know what? If you have no interest in him and the thought that he is getting attached vexes you or worries you then just cut him loose. Phone him now and tell him you never want to see him again....

.....I've a feeling you won't want to. It's a classic case of deflection....OMG OMG he's falling for me! Oh no! How awful!

I've been on both sides of that situation before. One with someone I knew was getting attached so I unceremoniously cut him loose as I honestly had no interest and didn't want to give false hope when I really was not interested in anything other than sex.

The other, like you, putting it out there that he was getting attached when all along it was me that was falling for him.

Have a good think about what you really want from this OP.

The sex is fantastic - that's why I don't want to put a stop to it. If he has feelings it has to be stopped because a relationship would never work between us. My whole purpose in raising this is I like the arrangement as is. If he has feelings that complicates things and it will have to end. Simple as. Just trying to make sure I don't do something rash and unneccessary - i.e. that I'm not overanalysing.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

The sex is fantastic - that's why I don't want to put a stop to it. If he has feelings it has to be stopped because a relationship would never work between us. My whole purpose in raising this is I like the arrangement as is. If he has feelings that complicates things and it will have to end. Simple as. Just trying to make sure I don't do something rash and unneccessary - i.e. that I'm not overanalysing.

Well we can't tell you what he feels - it's something only he can say.
Have you tried being more formal about it?

finbarrk

I think it's obvious that both of ye are in other relationships. It's fine once you don't get caught. Just enjoy it while it lasts. It will probably fizzle out anyway.

LegacyUser

erms wrote: »

If you want it to just be a FB relationship, then make it one. Why don't you go to him and go home after? Or ask him to leave yours? Don't reply to his texts, unless it's a booty call.
Does that sound like you'd be hurting his feelings? If you think that would hurt him, then you think he has feelings for you, so you need to talk to him about what is going on between you.

Thanks. That's a good way of looking at it. I just think it's polite to respond to texts but I'll give this a go and see what happens.

And to the last poster - No, we are both 100% single.

Gemini Sister

finbarrk wrote: »

I think it's obvious that both of ye are in other relationships. It's fine once you don't get caught. Just enjoy it while it lasts. It will probably fizzle out anyway.

Not necessarily the case. A **** buddy (or lover as I prefer) is often just someone who keeps you satisfied while between partners, but is not necessarily partner material.

I've had three of them over the years. I fell for one; one fell for me; the third fizzled out to friendship.

All pointless as far as I'm concerned. If you like someone give him a proper go. If you don't move on.
F buddie relationships will only prolong your singlehood, cause you waste so much time with these pointless rendez vous's when you should be out working the talent.

So if you want this lad be straight, if you don't then stop using him.

LegacyUser

Well unfortunately my hunch was correct. He admitted he has fallen for me.
I had to do to decent thing and end it. Such a shame. Ah well, fun while it lasted.

gags89

rules i follow,


maybe once/twice a week.

utter nothing relationshippy keep it casual relaxed.

usually do all comms through text, setting it up etc


no need for dates outside the gaf, you should both know what this is.


cuddling afterz is OK bu be weary if hes the one cuddling first.

dont always reply to eachothers texts

maybe leave it altogether and just when you see eachother out on a night out/drunken texts then make your move!

hotchick77

this is not a f*** buddy relationship, you DO NOT cuddle with someone your only f***ing. i had a F*** buddy for two years and never once did we stay the night with each other we met up, f***ed and went our seperate ways. We had nothing in common and didnt even really like each other, we just had great sex, it would still be going on but i met a great guy a year ago and am in a proper relationship wit them now, i dont even have my ex f*** buddies number abymore. also wat i thought was great sex with this lad, is nothing compared to the kind i have with my bf now because there is both physical and emotional attraction between us:)

My advice is - if one of u is getting emotionally attached end it cos you will never have a real relationship.

Remember F*** buddies are only fun and are never meant to be anything serious. Face it yer both only using each other for relief

Gyalist

I wrote about this issue in a post I made a few months ago. Even though the genders are reversed in this case, the rules are basically the same.

LegacyUser

I know of a lot of my male and females friends who absolutely hate the use of the term 'F**k Buddy', it's like the title of some forgotten porn movie.

I remember a friend of mine, saying to me some time ago that people who become supposed 'F**K Buddies'...probably deserve each other through mutal lack of respect for each other...and they probably deserve any sexually transmitted disease that may come their way.

aare

Blimey...I was having f*** buddies back in the 80s and if we didn't cuddle (when appropriate) what the f*** had happened to the "buddy" part?

It's tricky country, but, as far as I can see, if a friend isn't close enough to communicate with honestly, maybe you shouldn't be f***ing?

Just a thought?

johnathan woss

So you've been sharing your body with some guy for half a year.
He tells you he's starting to like you so you end it.

Presumably if he'd told you he hated your guts you'd have continued to share your body with him.

We live in a messed up world !

Nevyn

Just because you are bedding a person that doesn't automatically mean that you want a romantic relationship with them. Yes a more romantic relationship can grow out of such
an arrangement but only if both people want it.

LegacyUser

johnathan woss wrote: »

So you've been sharing your body with some guy for half a year.
He tells you he's starting to like you so you end it.

Presumably if he'd told you he hated your guts you'd have continued to share your body with him.

We live in a messed up world !

I'm not into one night stands and I don't want a relationship right now. With this arrangement I was able to get good, regular, safe sex. What's wrong with that?

If you are one of these people that needs to be in love with someone to have sex with them then fair dues to you but don't judge those who happen to hold a different view of sex to you.

We both went into this knowing exactly what it was.

As for the rules that a poster referred to - I think we made mistakes in not sticking to any of those. I'll know better for next time.

LegacyUser

you mentioned a relationship wouldn't work? how come?

aare

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm not into one night stands and I don't want a relationship right now. With this arrangement I was able to get good, regular, safe sex. What's wrong with that?

If you are one of these people that needs to be in love with someone to have sex with them then fair dues to you but don't judge those who happen to hold a different view of sex to you.

We both went into this knowing exactly what it was.

As for the rules that a poster referred to - I think we made mistakes in not sticking to any of those. I'll know better for next time.

Well, I don't think you did anything wrong...you are "just not that into" him, and honest about it all along...and the same situation could have arisen if you had shared nothing more than an office at work.

I am sure he didn't set out to fall for you either...it's just one of those things.

As for "not wanting a relationship right now", that happens too...

As far as I can see you would probably be revising that IF you had fallen for him...but you didn't.

Seems to me that any relationship (friends, romance, whatever) is what comes about when you combine people...

Sometimes it goes on being compatible, and sometimes, it becomes incompatible and needs to end.

...and whether you are f***ing makes no difference at all to that.

Does it?