Should we break up?

LegacyUser

I don't know where to start! Will try keep this short....

Ok, Im 28. Had my first serious relationship when i was 24, with a guy i'd been friends with for years. It was very intense...you know the usual, we are meant to be, we'll be together forever etc....Anyway, i loved him so much but there were too many highs and lows,he was controlling and i was needy and dependent. We brought out the worst in eachother. I was always willing to keep trying, he broke up with me 5 times, the final time almost 2 years ago.

I was devastated and really wanted to do the whole no contact thing, he always refused so the last 2 years has been a whirlwind of us being close friends, ending up in bed, me wanting to get back together, him telling me we've been through this, then not talking again.....vicious circle.

I should add that we did 3 months no contact around the middle of last year and i did great without him, however unfortunately he didn't do so good without me and told me he needed my friendship which kinda sucked me back in to a certain extent.

Anyway, the 2 of us have this bond, it seems unbreakable.

So, then at the end of January i meet the nicest guy. He's good looking, good job, sweet, romantic, funny, gemnerous, reliable, everything that any girl could ever want. We started going out almost instantly and i've been happy. I live in Dublin and he lives in Laois so it's a weekend realtionship. I'd been thinking for the last number of weeks that something was missing but then thought that maybe i was comparing it to my last relationship, which isn't fair.

So, after a while i've relaised that my new perfect boyfriend isn't able to talk about his feelings, he basically told me he's never going to be able to tell me how he feels about me or that i make him happy because he finds it too difficult. I really want to respect this but I just feel like telling someone how they impact your life in a positive way is so important to me....Even the conversation on Sat night that we had where he explained how he finds it tough to talk about his feelings physically drained him.

So last night we had a work party for my job, we could bring friends and i invited my boyfriend but he had to drive back down to Laois for the morning so he didn't go, it was a pretty exclusive party though and when i mentioned to my ex boyfriend that my current couldn't go he offered to be my date....not in a sexual or any other way.

So we went, we'd fun, we drank to excess and i woke up this morning with him in my bed. I've slept with this guy so many times and so many times since we've broken up I know it means nothing, it didn't feel like i was commiting a crime I was so unemotionally involved....(also just to mention he initiated it, i fought it off for a bit but not much) I've never cheated on anyone in my life before and I feel so so guilty....and so incredibly suprised and disappointed at myself for being capable of it! But at the same time given that it was just drunken sex that had happened so many times before between me and this guy I sort of feel like it may as well have no happened.

I don't know what this means. I have no desire to get back with my ex and even though my new relationship does appear to have some worrying flaws I'd like to continue on and give this guy a chance.

I am confused? Should i pull the plug on my new relationship? This guy has told me he'd never forgive anyone for cheating so it's not like i can own up and hope for the best.

I know i ****ed up here, so u don't need to tell me, but should i continue on and not tell my boyfriend and make sure it never happens again or will that just eat me up.



Help

bluecell99

Yes,break with the new guy.You are too bound to the "ex"and unless and until you sort that its not fair to get into the scene with someone new.

Whether he is unsure about his feelings and ability or not to express them is a side issue.

Deal with your own issues first.

SuperFatCat

Hi,
\fistly, no one can tell you what to do, no matter how badly you want someone to, this is something that you need to figure out for yourself.
You mentioned that you were very happy when you spent 3months away from your ex, but that he didnt do as well without you.......at that, you were willing to give up your own happiness for your ex. And now, you seem to have almost sabotaged your new relationship by sleeping with your ex again.
What ever you decide to do, you are the most important person in this equation. If you would be happier without your ex in your life, then do it, cut him out. If you need a guy that will sweep you off your feet, and tell you how much he loves you, and how wonderful you are everyday, then dont settle for the new guy, bcos he clearly isnt gonna give you what you want.
I'm not telling you what to do, simply spelling out what you probably already know!!

I hope this gets easier for you, life is hard enough without having man-troubles as well!! :P

SarahSassy

Well maybe you are not suited to the new guy but it doesnt mean you are suited or should get back with the ex... He is using you for sex. Move on from both and find someone you are compatible with.

Redpunto

You wouldnt have cheated if you were meant to be with your current boyfriend so yes, do him a favour and break up with him

anonymous_joe

SarahSassy wrote: »

Well maybe you are not suited to the new guy but it doesnt mean you are suited or should get back with the ex... He is using you for sex. Move on from both and find someone you are compatible with.

Using each other for sex. Takes two to tango.

Get over your ex before finding someone new, it's not fair on them or yourself otherwise.

SarahSassy

sobaffled wrote: »

the last 2 years has been a whirlwind of us being close friends, ending up in bed, me wanting to get back together, him telling me we've been through this, then not talking again.....vicious circle.

This is what I was talking about.. He appears to be using her here... As for her fling, it does take 2 to tango.

twinkle_toes

you need a swift kick in the ar5e. your there talking about your problem when the solution is so obvious. i dont understand people who keep doing this to themselves. do u feel so little self worth that you have to hold onto your ex like you'll never find another man? besides the fact you slept with him i dont think the current bf would be too happy that you even went with the ex to that party. could it be that you are projecting your neediness onto your new bf or that you talk about your ex too much and thats why he's pulling away and its still only a weekend relationship. dont think im talkin out my rear, this happened someone close to me. she took so much sh1t from her ex and it wasnt till i lost the head with her and told her exactly what was happening she copped on, cut all- and i mean ALL contact with him and got on with her life.

sobaffled

sobaffled wrote: »

So we went, we'd fun, we drank to excess and i woke up this morning with him in my bed. I've slept with this guy so many times and so many times since we've broken up I know it means nothing, it didn't feel like i was commiting a crime I was so unemotionally involved....(also just to mention he initiated it, i fought it off for a bit but not much) I've never cheated on anyone in my life before and I feel so so guilty....and so incredibly suprised and disappointed at myself for being capable of it! But at the same time given that it was just drunken sex that had happened so many times before between me and this guy I sort of feel like it may as well have no happened.

And would you feel the same if your new boyfriend had just cheated on you with an ex? Sorry to be blunt but your whole post comes across as incredibly selfish. I understand the feelings of how it's so easy to hook up with an ex, happened to me, but if you're with someone you care about in any way, you put a stop to it.

I don't know what this means. I have no desire to get back with my ex and even though my new relationship does appear to have some worrying flaws I'd like to continue on and give this guy a chance.

You'd like to give HIM a chance? That's nice of you, isn't it? Tell him you cheated on him and let him decide if he still wants to be with YOU. Deceiving him would be a despicable thing to do, IMO. If he were to find out later, he'd probably be furious. I'd just knock it on the head, to be honest. You don't seem in the right mental state to be going out with someone and it isn't fair on the guy.