Concerned with a 20 year olds behaviour

LegacyUser

hey boardsies, going unreg for this one.

my 27 year old g/f lost her mum a few years ago. Her father is a recovering alcoholic... I'm finding it difficult to be vague so that someone doesn't recognise the story...
Anyway, my g/f has 2 sisters (20 and 23) and 1 brother (aged 13). The outlying story is harsh, but I'll stick to the important facts for now.

The youngest sister had a child who is now 2 and a bit. The father is unknown. She lives with the child in the family home by herself. This girl goes to the local university. She barely got into second year. She is doing exams now again and I expect her to fail them.

The problem is that she is a total slut. A neighbour complained to my g/f and said that other neighbours are talking about her. She uses the family home and invites friends over for drinks before and after nights out. This is probably typical behaviour, but we think its out of hand. This girl spends too much time prettying herself up and sleeping about that it is upsetting my g/f. We feel sorry for her child who doesn't have a routine (stays up late cruising with his mom)or disipline(writes on walls, pushes people and temper tantrums for sweets).

she is doing exams now, but we feel she needs help for her childs sake who is so adorable.

That_Guy

I'm 20 myself and I enjoy going out at the weekend with mates and whatever but in all honesty it seems like she doesn't want to take responsibility for her child.

You should just let your girlfriend talk to her because she'll be able to possibly get through to her a lot better than you might. I know it's horrible to exclude yourself from this but it's a family issue that can only be resolved internally by another family member.

Having a child at 20 is far too young and it seems to me that she doesn't see this as a problem. At 20 years of age she should wise up and say that enough is enough. It sounds like this baby was an accident yet she is still sleeping around which shows that she hasn't learned anything.

Never mind what the neighbours are thinking about her. You've just got to ask your girlfriend to sit down with her, have a chat and tell her straight out how foolish she is being. A child is something she can't just ignore. Maybe she doesn't want to feel that her life is altered in any way and still wants to continue having fun but unfortunately the reality is there for all to see.

Just let your girlfriend handle this. I know you care for the health and safety of the child but you should take a backseat in all of this.

bluecell99

A 20 year old is an adult and how they live their life is up to them.Obvious maybe but impotrant to state nonetheless.Is there any communication between her and her 27 year old sister?Disapproving noises from neighbours and family wont help anyone.Perhaps sisterly chats without coming over all tut tutting.What about the 23 year old?How does she get on with her?

Is the child generally well taken of.Is she fed and clothed and appears as happy as any other two year old?If so, then again theres not much you can do.

There are many,many thousands of single parents out there and it brings its obvious stresses and strains.You also have to remember that 20 is young and people in this position dont like to think of their social life and friends ending because of their parental status.

Maybe try the supportive approach and see if theres anyhting the family can do to help?Everyone could do with a helping hand.

LegacyUser

OP, it doesn't matter what the neighbours are saying about her, it's nothing to do with them.

I don't think referring to this woman as an 'slut' is really helpful either. Te amount of sexual partners she has is nothing to do with you or anyone else. Neither is how long she spends 'prettying herself up'.

To be honest the situation dosn't sound that bad too me, so her child is prone to temper tantrams etc, well it a 2 year old, that's hardly unusal for that age. I wouldn't say it was necessarily a sign of neglect.

However I can understand you concern, if you genuinly feel this child isn't being looked after properly. It must be very tough to be a single mum and studying full time at her age, you and your partner and the rest of the family have a duty to help her all you can. Just try not to be judgement or overly critical as this will just lead her to resent you. Perhaps you offer to look after the child more often while she's studying for these resit exams or offer the have it for the weekend once in a while so she can go with her friend. She is only 20 afterall, she needs to have a social life.

dudara

bluecell99 wrote: »

A 20 year old is an adult

I'd actually have to disagree with this and say that a 20 year old is on their way to becoming an adult but they're not there yet.

This girl is probably finding things very difficult right now. She is in university and tasting the freedom and fun that comes with that. It's typically a time for more students to have fun and be a little socially irresponsible.

On the other hand, she is a mother, which is a demanding taskmaster. Being irresponsible and being a mother simply don't mix. She has no mother to ask for advice and to help guide her through being a mother, so no wonder she feels lost.

As you said, it is the kid's behaviour which is the true indicator of what's going on here, and it's the kids welfare which will have to be prioritised.

How does your girlfriend and other sister get on with this girl? Have they voiced their concerns to her in any way?

LegacyUser

Get your gf to call round and ask about how college is going (coming up to exams etc...) and offer a hand/support with the child while she is studying for/taking the exams. Use this as an excuse to scope out how the child is being looked after/establish some toutune in its life.

LegacyUser

Slut is a terrible word to use, but it does describe her. I think a better way to say it would have been, she sleeps around quite a bit.

The neighbours talking is how we found out about this in the first place. Its a very rural area.

There is good communication with my g/f and her. There is little to none with the other sister.

Her uncles live very close by and have daughters around the same age but a bit younger. They have been banned from going over to her house by their parents (ie her own uncles/aunts-in-laws). One uncle recently went over to the house and found his daughter and her half way thru a half bottle of vodka. The 2 year old was being minded by one of her friends who was also there. Needless to say he was not impressed.

The thing about it is that we have minded the child on a good few occasions. The baby is lovely and with a tiny bit of disipline he is well behaved in our house. There are sleeping difficulties, but that is down to the mothers habbits and how he sleeps, but other than that we don't mind. But we have been burnt almost everytime with her. She goes out and we ring her, she doesn't answer. Comes home hours late, and sometimes even the day after... So after that we said we wouldn't mind him any more (we had given her a good few previous warnings) overnight.

We are currently minding him after her exams. "An intervention" style thing is in the works with my g/f and her aunts in laws.

As for me, I'm keeping a low profile and not interfeering. There is no simple solution I guess. She was over at the house last night and u'd swear butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She is a kind girl, but just mis-guided by her peers and lack of parenting I guess.

Wagon

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, it doesn't matter what the neighbours are saying about her, it's nothing to do with them.

I don't think referring to this woman as an 'slut' is really helpful either. Te amount of sexual partners she has is nothing to do with you or anyone else. Neither is how long she spends 'prettying herself up'.

She sleeps with randomers all the time, then she's a slut. by the looks of it, she brings different men back to the gaff all the time where her child lives. so as far as im concerned, the question here is the kids welfare. you can shove your women's liberation argument up your hole.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

She sleeps with randomers all the time, then she's a slut. by the looks of it, she brings different men back to the gaff all the time where her child lives. so as far as im concerned, the question here is the kids welfare. you can shove your women's liberation argument up your hole.

Thanks for that wagon. What a lovely thing to say!

I am perfectly aware that the childs welfare is the issue here, this is why I made a few suggestions to O.P, can I also point out that the issue isn't what you or me consider to be slutty so I don't really know why you have brought that up. To me that's just a word that's thrown around (mostly at women) by people who are dispaproaving of others sexual behaviour, which is really none of anyone elses business. However, throwing an insult like that at this women is in no way productive which is what I was saying, if the O.P goes on like that then it's just going to cause resentment between O.P and the mother.


I do take you point that if there are many strange men literally traipsing through the house night after night, that's not a very nice environment for the child. But there is not evidence in the post to suggest that this is the situation.