Distressed

LegacyUser

Hi,
My dad passed away recently and it was very sudden.

I am keeping myself busy and find I am ok when I am busy and not thinking about him.
I am very worried about my mom. She is at home on her own during the daytime and finds it very tough when no one is around. I go home every weekend now and that is a help to her.
Only thing is I'm finding myself drained of energy a lot of the time - especially at work. Not sure if this is down to the long drives at the weekends.
I'm finding myself lacking enthusiasm for my job and I just feel tired at work everyday.
A lot of the time I just don't even feel like making conversation with work colleagues and
find myself getting irritated very easily. Most of the time I just cannot wait to get out of work.

I also feel anger at times towards them. A lot are much older than me yet they still have their parents. I feel bitter that they have their dads to talk to while mine is gone just as I was getting to know him.
My own boss has not asked me once since I came back about how me or my family are.
I even feel anger towards my own friends. Only one of them has called around to me to see how I was doing. Hardly a phone call form the rest of them. I don't know. Maybe I'm too harsh on them.

Even right now I feel exhausted and want to get out of work. I have tried going to bed early but cannot get to sleep before 11.30/12pm. And I usually get 8hrs sleep which should be more than enough. I don't know if this is all down to the stressful situation with my dad dying or what.

Sorry if this whole message sounds rambled and confused but I feel annoyed and angry and I don't know exactly what at.
I had great plans at the start of the year to really enjoy 2009 but it's been sh1t.
I had hoped to go travelling later in yr but not going to happen now. Can't leave my family for so long and I know my sister would be annoyed if I headed off.
Not even sure if I'm going to go on a short summer break I had booked. I feel I should be at home helping out.
Am I being selfish wanting to head off?

Can anyone give me any advice or does anyone understand my ramblings?
Thanks.

LegacyUser

Fair enough cancelling travelling might be the right thing to do later on in the year, its understandable and may well be necessary to support your family. However it sounds to me like what you really need more then anything else is a break, a little time away from your everyday life to relax and get your head around whats happening in your life at the moment. I think after a short break you would be better able to support your family due to your own mental strength having been replenished.

Good luck either way, hope you and your family feel better

... but largely because you seem to be going through exactly what my very close friend went through, your situation is very similar ... apart from the work and friends situation, she's fortunate enough to work with a nice bunch of people ... although it's possible your work colleagues are deliberately avoiding the subject as many people feel death and grief should be a private thing. Similarly, your friends may have no idea how to help you so may be avoiding you, sad but possible. You might consider opening up to them.

Anyway, it sounds like you're suffering from exhaustion. Are the other members of your family helping to look after your Mam? Would you consider going to the doctor and getting a certificate to take a few days off work? It sounds like you need a break, a little time for just you to cope with your own grief.

There is no reason why you shouldn't have a summer holiday but I can understand why you're reconsidering the "travelling" but it's too early to think about big things like that.

Talk to your doctor about possible exhaustion, depression and seriously consider counselling if you have no-one else to talk to.

sunnyside

Unregi2009 wrote: »

I had great plans at the start of the year to really enjoy 2009 but it's been sh1t.
I had hoped to go travelling later in yr but not going to happen now. Can't leave my family for so long and I know my sister would be annoyed if I headed off.
Not even sure if I'm going to go on a short summer break I had booked. I feel I should be at home helping out.
Am I being selfish wanting to head off?
.

Sorry you lost your dad. Totally understandable to be feeling down about it.

I've just picked up on the bit about the travelling/holidays. I'm not seeing why you can't go. You have to continue to live your own life now that your dad has passed on. I'm sure he'd want you to pursue your dreams.

As for your mother, can I ask what age she is? So long as she isn't too old to look after herself she will have to adjust to this new situation. Not the easiest thing to do of course but as a long term plan she can't sit in the house alone all day every day. She needs a routine to get her out sometimes, morning mass, coffee + read the paper in a local coffee shop, walking, trips to supermarket, walking around town looking at the shops, voluntary work for a few hours maybe, golf, whatever she did before really.

You and your sister will visit her at weekends and ring her regularly during the week. Helping her to re-structure her life so she can be independent is probably the most helpful thing you can do for her.

Steady

I totally hear you girl, totally understand your 'ramblings' as you call them. Everyone I guess will have different takes on this as everyone goes through the bereavement process differently, take your own family for instance, you and your sister are probably coping differently, maybe, maybe not.

I find it very hard to be around my mother right now as she is really going through the anger phase, and its very upsetting and distressing for me and the remainder of my family. She is just full of poison if you ask me and I really do try to understand where shes coming from but I find it all so difficult. To top it off, we're your typical old irish family who would never sit down to talk it out, it's more a case of ignore the big elephant in the room and hope it might go away. No way to deal with things, I know that but such is life and family dynamics.

With regards to friends, the thing that seriously bugs me about friends is, they say 'call me if you need to talk', I've often sat at home on my own and thought about picking up the phone to numerous people who offered, but I honestly don't know what to say to them. All I know is my brain is a mess of jumbled up thoughts that I can't seem to put in the right order to figure out how I'm feeling, sometimes I think I might be better off not trying to figure it out. Talking about things isn't a switch you can turn on and off, when it happens it happens. I find that you can't plan to have a conversation with a friend about how things are with you but rather it just kind of happens mid conversation depending on your form at the time. Maybe that's just me as I find it difficult to ask for help because I honestly don't know how to.

On the sleep thing, I too find, no matter how much I've slept I still feel tired. They 'internet, etc,' say that it can take up to 12 or 18 months for that tiredness to leave you, i guess it must be the shock to the system.

I believe, hope I'm right, that when something very traumatic happens in your life, your brain kind of shuts off certain things from the body 'cos it knows the body won't cope with the shock, and as time passes, the brain releases bit by bit as it thinks you can cope with it.

Sorry for hijacking your post, but thought I'd tell you my story so you'd know there's other people out there feeling as lost and as lonely as your are after a loved ones passing. I lost my Dad very suddenly as well, there one minute, gone the next.

As for your travelling plans, you should take your holiday if you really want to, as you need time to recover from this also and with regards to travelling later in the year, do you need to decide and book anything right now, because if you don't, put it on the longfinger for a couple of weeks/months and see how things are going and make a decision then.

Go day by day, it's hard to have interest in daily life at a time like this, but it will come back eventually.

Hope my ramblings are of some help to you.
I'm new to Boards.ie so I hope my posts are sounding ok as I haven't done this internet chat room thing before and I'd hate to offent someone.

That_Guy

Hi, I've lost my 10 year old cousin recently and it's extremely difficult to lose someone so close to you. I can't speak on behalf of an immediate family member who I'd be seeing every day so can't imagine fully how you feel.

The important thing is for you to spend as much time with family as possible. You all need each other more than ever now.

When my cousin died I got the usual "I'm here if you need to talk" texts etc. I like you didn't know how to make use of this "service" if you will. It's sometimes nice though to talk about everything and anything not to do with the incident.

It's nice to have lots of friends around you especially in these difficult times even though some of them might not fully understand how you're feeling.

Even though you may not realise it posting this may really help alleviate some of the strain you're feeling. It's nice to get it all out.

As difficult as these times may seem you've just got to celebrate his life and all of his achievements. Make a scrap book, put pictures in there, write stories about him that make you remember him for the great person he was. He may be gone but doing these type of things can help in such a big way.

*Honey*

I'm really sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your Father.

All your reactions are totally normal - your life as you know it has been spun on it's axis and after a shock like that, you totally question everything about your life.

It's a pity your friends aren't that supportive but it does happen ... having been through 2 years of grieving, I know that my real friends are few and far between - it's a tough lesson but one worth learning I think.

I would suggest you do go on your trip though - you need that time for you, to remember that life does go on (even though this might feel awful in this circumstance, but your Dad would not want you to put everything on hold).

As trite as it sounds, time will help... your life will get back on track, work will be less stressful, your Mum will need your help less and less ... grieving takes time, it can't be rushed, it will happen as it happens. In the meantime, take care of yourself, eat well and keep healthy. I know it doesn't help right now, but it will get better.... given time.

LegacyUser

yeah just really disappointed in my friends. not a single phone call and only one bothering to visit me or arranging to meet up with me.

Feel I should arrange to meet up but don't know if I should.

LegacyUser

really beginning to wonder about them. I emailed a good few and not a single so called friend said they were good to meet up with me this evening. Felt sh1t about myself. Haven't seen them in ages and they make 0 effort!