Boyfriend - cocaine addition

LegacyUser

Hi ,

My bofriend has just informed me that he is suffering from a cocaine addition. I'm still in an utter state of shock and dont know what to do.

I'm looking for advice of places to seek help. I love him and I want to be there for him.

Help

RossFixxxed

I guess N.A. is the place to start off.

But as others will tell you, only he can change it if he WANTS to. You can't make him. Admitting it's a problem is a good step.

Just a warning: be careful of drug addicts. They will lie, and lie, and lie with their addiction. I'm not going to go into whether you can blame etc etc, but it happens time and time again. I know this first and 2nd hand. Just be careful of yourself in all this. There is no point in being dragged down. You can be there and help all you can, but at the end of the day it is in his hands.

Ross

Oh The Humanity

Firstly dont give him any money. Dont allow his use your bank/credit cards, borrow your car etc

Keep all your money away from him.

Dont sort out any messes for him, be they legal, financial etc Its not worth your efforts and the messes wont stay sorted for long.

Encourage him to go to Narcotics Anonymous.

Ignore all talk of recovery for the moment, wait and see actual results before you believe its true.

Take everything he says with a pinch of salt, about 99% will be pure bull.

LegacyUser

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Firstly dont give him any money. Dont allow his use your bank/credit cards, borrow your car etc

Keep all your money away from him.

Dont sort out any messes for him, be they legal, financial etc Its not worth your efforts and the messes wont stay sorted for long.

Encourage him to go to Narcotics Anonymous.

Ignore all talk of recovery for the moment, wait and see actual results before you believe its true.

Take everything he says with a pinch of salt, about 99% will be pure bull.

Thats pretty harsh, I know a few cocaine addicts and its not like you imagine a "drug addict" to be. Fair enough something like heroin or crack they are (more likely to) going to steal and lie and so on but does an alcoholic act in that way? Or a stoner or whatever? Not necessarily.

It seems kind of strange to not know that he has a problem like that. You say that hes "informed you" but surely if you dont take it with him (and would be in a position to notice for yourself) then you must have realised that hes at least out drinking 4 or 5 nights a week or at the weekends or whatever.

NA is the way to go definitely if hes willing and not being made to participate by court, parents, you or anyone then it could be of real benefit to him.

I think he probably needs two things more then anything else in order to overcome his problems, these things can be accomplished with or without NA or rehab or any other institution.

Firstly: he needs a social group (youre a great start if you werent involved with taking it, if you are then you could both give it up together maybe) who are not part of the crowd who he is out taking it with all the time, while he may be able to give it up altogether, its my feeling that its nigh on impossible to continue solely associating with the same people who you have built up your addiction with and not eventually give in in a weak moment.

Secondly: if possible he needs some kind of project in his life that will give it some kind of meaning, like writing, researching, working on a car, playing sports regularly with a team, anything. It is my firm belief that rather then addictions being diseases in and of themselves (as institutions like NA and rehab and so on would have you believe) but are instead symptoms of some other sickness, be it a void in that persons life or some pain they need to drown out. If you can address this problem and remove certain triggers like boredom and old friends who are bad influences then he should have a pretty good chance.

Anyway, good luck

RuailleBuaille

Unregistered wrote: »

Thats pretty harsh, I know a few cocaine addicts and its not like you imagine a "drug addict" to be. Fair enough something like heroin or crack they are (more likely to) going to steal and lie and so on but does an alcoholic act in that way? Or a stoner or whatever? Not necessarily.

False. A coke addict will pull all the tricks a heroin addict will pull, just in better clothes.

Seriously though, addiction is addiction. There are no varying degrees. Just because a person may not have rotten teeth and smell like piss, doesn't mean they are to be trusted, believed or are in control of their lives when it comes to drug consumption. You don't have to steal to be 'correctly' labelled an addict.

Unregistered wrote: »

It seems kind of strange to not know that he has a problem like that. You say that hes "informed you" but surely if you dont take it with him (and would be in a position to notice for yourself) then you must have realised that hes at least out drinking 4 or 5 nights a week or at the weekends or whatever.

And this makes him a coke addict? Interesting stereotypes.


OP as somebody has mentioned already, the fact that he has come clean (pardon the pun) to you is a good sign, it means he's running out of places to hide from it. Now you know what you are dealing with, arm yourself. Believe none of the good stuff and all of the bad stuff and you'll get a fairly accurate picture of how far he is gone. Point him towards NA and hope for the best because that is as far as you can help him. He must take the first step on his own, sure, be a cheerleader, but don't clean any messes up for him or before you know it, you'll be in to deep to really help him. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

False. A coke addict will pull all the tricks a heroin addict will pull, just in better clothes.

Seriously though, addiction is addiction. There are no varying degrees. Just because a person may not have rotten teeth and smell like piss, doesn't mean they are to be trusted, believed or are in control of their lives when it comes to drug consumption. You don't have to steal to be 'correctly' labelled an addict.

There are no varying degrees? Thats rediculous. Absolutely rediculous. I smoke cigarettes. Im an addict. Yet I dont go out thieving jewelery and handbags to feed my habit. TBH you sound like someone who has absolutely no experience in anything related to what the OP wants to know about but is bandying about opinions on the way they think stereotypes should be dealt with.

At the end of the day OP, hes still the same guy that you started going out with in the first place, the fact that hes told this to you obviously means he wants to get out of the situation hes in, which as everyone has said already is a really good sign.

And this makes him a coke addict? Interesting stereotypes.

What I meant by what I was saying is that if the OP didnt even realise that he was taking coke before he confessed this to her is that there would be signs (such as regular nights out "drinking" or whatever) which may have alerted her to something being wrong. Im not trying to say that everyone who drinks 4 nights a week is a coke head...

Believe none of the good stuff and all of the bad stuff and you'll get a fairly accurate picture of how far he is gone.

Im sorry, I dont want to start a big argument or anything but exactly what is your basis for saying this? What the guy needs more then anything else is someone to help him through what is one of the most difficult things hes going to do in his life. What isnt going to improve his chances (and obviously the OP wants to help him), is someone who he has confessed this to, mistrusting him at every step and thinking hes some kind of inhuman monster because hes a coke addict.

FFS grow up, people make mistakes, who are you to know what kind of person he is and his reasons for taking cocaine?

Victor

OK, relax folks.

estar

- he should tell his family, if they are likely to be able to help him and offer resources. you should insist on this if they are likely to be of use.

- rehab is a good option for cocaine addiction if he can afford it. he will need support as its very addictive (sounds obvious) but while alcohol addiction creeps up slowly cocaine addiction can happen very quickly. ive heard that some people go to spain - looks like a holiday, not as expensive as here. start with a GP that is experienced in helping those with addiction problems.

- NA is for people in recovery. it depends how much he takes every day and with how much frequency on whether he requires something more powerful to help him stop. however it cannot hurt to do some research and make some phone calls on what associations are out there, what they know, how people recovered. that reduces the anxiety for you. start tomorrow and make some calls. that will help him out.

- i would ask him about debt, and how much he has.

- if he is honest with himself, and wants to recover he more than likely will. addiction is quite common. you would be surprised. its not the end of his life, just the begining of a more honest and aware chapter, if he faces it the right way.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your help.... the thing is I did it with him.... once a month and then once every Friday night and now mid week.... but i don't have an addiction I know when to say no.. thats enough. I haven't done it in 6 weeks but he has continued.

I feel completely useless. my hands are tied. I have told him that he needs to get away from his circle of friends... it will all hinge on that.

RuailleBuaille

Unregistered wrote: »

There are no varying degrees? Thats rediculous. Absolutely rediculous. I smoke cigarettes. Im an addict. Yet I dont go out thieving jewelery and handbags to feed my habit. TBH you sound like someone who has absolutely no experience in anything related to what the OP wants to know about but is bandying about opinions on the way they think stereotypes should be dealt with.

My basis for my comment is three friends dead of heroin overdoses and a brother in law who is living on the streets with no contact with his family because of drug and drink addiction, so believe me 'unregistered' I know what I am talking about.

THERE ARE NO VARYING DEGREES OF ADDICTION. If you can't make it through the day without your drug of choice or it affects your mood, you are an addict. as a smoker you should understand that. :rolleyes:

You clearly know nothing about addiction if you think all addicts steal. Alll poor addicts steal, does that mean all addicts are poor? Where does that leave addicts who sell and use?

You are the one dealing in stereotypes because you think all addicts steal and look like ****. Don't tell me to grow up when I am not the one who is talking about cartoon junkies.

Unregistered wrote: »

What I meant by what I was saying is that if the OP didnt even realise that he was taking coke before he confessed this to her is that there would be signs (such as regular nights out "drinking" or whatever) which may have alerted her to something being wrong. Im not trying to say that everyone who drinks 4 nights a week is a coke head...

Clearly there weren't recognisable signs which is why she didn't realise. :rolleyes:

Unregistered wrote: »

Im sorry, I dont want to start a big argument or anything but exactly what is your basis for saying this? What the guy needs more then anything else is someone to help him through what is one of the most difficult things hes going to do in his life. What isnt going to improve his chances (and obviously the OP wants to help him), is someone who he has confessed this to, mistrusting him at every step and thinking hes some kind of inhuman monster because hes a coke addict.

FFS grow up, people make mistakes, who are you to know what kind of person he is and his reasons for taking cocaine?

Meet a coke addict, get a clue and then come back to me.

Oh The Humanity

Thats pretty harsh, I know a few cocaine addicts and its not like you imagine a "drug addict" to be.

What makes you think I am imagining?

I have first hand experience, so I dont have to imagine, I know.

LegacyUser

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

My basis for my comment is three friends dead of heroin overdoses and a brother in law who is living on the streets with no contact with his family because of drug and drink addiction, so believe me 'unregistered' I know what I am talking about.

THERE ARE NO VARYING DEGREES OF ADDICTION. If you can't make it through the day without your drug of choice or it affects your mood, you are an addict. as a smoker you should understand that. :rolleyes:

Right, we are misunderstanding each other. Granted, if you have a physical or psychological dependency on something and you use it on a regular basis you are an addict, period. No varying degrees, we are agreed.

What I thought you were implying is that you were in agreement with the second poster in saying that whatever you do, dont trust an addict because they will lie, cheat, steal etc, which I was saying is obviously wrong because of all the many smokers, alcoholics and yes, coke addicts who do not engage in this behaviour.

You clearly know nothing about addiction if you think all addicts steal. Alll poor addicts steal, does that mean all addicts are poor? Where does that leave addicts who sell and use?

This is a misunderstanding, I didnt mean anything of the kind.

Meet a coke addict, get a clue and then come back to me.

I know a couple of coke addicts in various forms of denial, one in rehab right now and one in recovery. Never as far as im aware met a heroin addict but I can tell you right now that the majority of addicts arent going to steal or lie to their loved ones once they have made the first step of coming clean about it. I have heard horror stories about heroin addicts repeatedly coming home from court or parent-induced rehab with all kinds of promises and the like only to end up stealing and lying all over again. Will all due respect, this is a different scenario. While your advise to always believe the worst may be good with regard to that kind of a situation, Im of the opinion that he needs to be trusted rather then second guessed all the time. Support from love ones is about the most important thing in getting off drugs.

John_Mc

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

My basis for my comment is three friends dead of heroin overdoses and a brother in law who is living on the streets with no contact with his family because of drug and drink addiction, so believe me 'unregistered' I know what I am talking about.

THERE ARE NO VARYING DEGREES OF ADDICTION. If you can't make it through the day without your drug of choice or it affects your mood, you are an addict. as a smoker you should understand that. :rolleyes:

So your experience is with Heroin addicts and not cocaine so. :rolleyes:

Unfortunately, I'm addicted to smoking, so if "THERE ARE NO VARYING DEGREES OF ADDICTION" shouldn't I be out stealing for my next fix?

OP, do not listen to this guys advice! Support your friend as best you can and that's all you can do.

RuailleBuaille

Unregistered wrote: »

I have heard horror stories about heroin addicts repeatedly coming home from court or parent-induced rehab with all kinds of promises and the like only to end up stealing and lying all over again. Will all due respect, this is a different scenario.

With all due respect, you have no idea what you are talking about. How can someone who has admitted they have never met a heroin addict manage to differentiate between addictions?

ADDICTION IS ADDICTION.

By which I mean, that all addicts will behave in the same way when it comes to the crunch. If they are denied their drug of choice, ANY and ALL efforts will be made to obtain it. Lying, stealing, manipulating are the tools of the trade and don't be so naive to think this applies only to heroin addicts.

Unregistered wrote: »

... but I can tell you right now that the majority of addicts arent going to steal or lie to their loved ones once they have made the first step of coming clean about it.

This statement alone shows you have little or no understanding of addiction. I'm actually embarrassed for you.

Do you really believe that because the OP's bf has told her he's an addict that he is never going to lie about it again? Will never use again now that the cat is out of the bag? If that is the case then why do terms such as 'falling off the wagon' or 'relapsing' exist?

I don't want to take this thread OT but I think it's extremely important that the OP knows that your interpretation of addiction is far from the reality and to realise that just because he's (her BF) outed himself does not mean his dealings with the drug are over, this is the first step in a LONG road and I would bet my life that he will use cocaine again before the week is out.

Unregistered wrote: »

While your advise to always believe the worst may be good with regard to that kind of a situation, Im of the opinion that he needs to be trusted rather then second guessed all the time. Support from love ones is about the most important thing in getting off drugs.

Support? Dude it's the addict who has to get off it. So willpower and a desire to be clean are 'about the most important things in getting off drugs'.

I'm all for support but an addict is like a drowning man who'll drag you down to save himself. Which is why I'm telling the OP to harden her heart, a LOT of hurt is coming her way and she can only help by listening. That's it. You've heard the saying about leading a horse to water yeah?

OP I'm thinking your relationship might benefit from some distance, especially if you've been doing it too (the white I mean), if you think he should lose his circle of friends you have to lump yourself in there too.
Bloody drugs!

Mr. Incognito

Yes yes you are both addict knowledge gods- come let us drink the wisdom from your heads in shiny bowls.

OP

I have told him that he needs to get away from his circle of friends... it will all hinge on that.

You know the answer here. Addiction is a habit that needs to be broken. Be it cigarettes, smack or pills.

If he has come clean to having a problem he's going to have to take positive steps to address it. If he has a problem with Cocaine you need to stop it being present in your social lives. If that means chopping some mates- chop chop.

I had a huge problem with drugs in college and the key was moving away from that circle of friends and hanging out with good mates who knew I had a problem and eventually the phase passes. Cocaine can be chemically addictive but it sounds to me like he has turned to it as a recretionally dependent drug.

Take up something constructive- I went back hiking. It feeds the soul better than any drug.

RuailleBuaille

John_Mc wrote: »

So your experience is with Heroin addicts and not cocaine so. :rolleyes:

Unfortunately, I'm addicted to smoking, so if "THERE ARE NO VARYING DEGREES OF ADDICTION" shouldn't I be out stealing for my next fix?

OP, do not listen to this guys advice! Support your friend as best you can and that's all you can do.

I had a bit of problem with the white myself so no, my experience is not just with heroin, but thanks for asking.


I am also addicted to smoking but luckily, one smoke every hour or so does me and if I have none, I can ask someone for some or just go without so I don't need to steal. :rolleyes:

If you read my post correctly you will see I said that being an addict without your drug of choice affects your mood/ wellbeing and if you don't get that as a smoker, you must never have tried to give up.

I also never said NOT to support the addict. So next time read my posts carefully before you make your pedantic reply.

RuailleBuaille

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Yes yes you are both addict knowledge gods- come let us drink the wisdom from your heads in shiny bowls.

Hmmm, I would have thought having an understanding of addiction would explain my replying to a thread about addiction?

Doesn't explain your unneccessary sarcasm though.

Everybody has a bugbear, addiction is mine. It has informed and shaped my life, almost always to my detriment, and I feel that sharing my experience might add to or inform the discussion. I make no aplogies for that. If yyou disagree, that's fine, but there is no need to be a smartarse about it.


EDIT: FYI 'recreationally dependant' is a contradiction. Recreational use means you are not dependant.

estar

why dont ye PM each other with the conversation and not take over the post?

to the OP

thats the way addiction rolls. you dont know you have the propensity until it hits you like a train. give it up, which you should easily be able to do if you are not addicted to support him. i dont think anyone should take cocaine anyway. its un regulated, and varying in quality, and comes from unethical sources. i wouldnt gamble with something like that. it wont be a big loss to you. it doesnt really matter if you did it with him. you can still help him by support and finding out about addiction with him, and supporting him to give up.

beth-lou

Hi Op,

It's hard to say what kind of addict your boyfriend is as the details are very sketchy. Is he using at weekends and social occasions only or is it all the time, sneaking away for a line day in day out.

If he is still at the recreational stage and he has some self control, then he could nip it in the bud now by removing himself from the crowd he is with. It has to be his decision though and although it will be hard at the start it can be done.

If he has moved on to daily use just to function, then I'm afraid his addiction is far more serious and will require professional help. He doesn't have to be going out 4 or 5 times a week to have a coke problem, he simply has to have that uncontrolable urge to have a line throughout the day. Coke is a drug that people can take and still function, for a while anyway. Eventually though they turn into parnoid, unstable, unreliable and tempermantal wrecks.

Either way, it is something that needs to be tackled. If you didn't notice it then he might still be in the early stages. If it goes untreated it will change him completely, and no, he will not be the same person, at least not while he is using.

Supporting someone with an addiction problem can both help and hinder their recovery. Too much support can actually enable their addiction and have a negative effect, so thread carefully. The best thing to do is to tell him you love him and want him to get better and that you are there for him if he wants to talk, but do not support him financially or otherwise, as he needs to take responsibilty for himself and get professional help. When things get really bad the "tough love" approach is neccessary, which basically means cutting contact and letting them hit rock bottom. If he keeps making empty promises to you and just talks about his problem, but never does anything about it, then this is your only option. Maybe contact the people in NA for in depth advise. As I said it's hard to advise when so little is known about him, his situation finacially and emotionally and how regularily he is using. But if he continues, he will turn into a very manipulative and conieving person, capable of ripping off anyone, even you, just to get his drug of choice.

The fact he has told you is start, so long as he follows it up by seeking help. If it is just a way of garnishing sympathy or money then be very, very wary, and be prepared to step back.

The Rutland centre is worth ringing. They offer live in rehabilitation, although it didn't work for my brother twice, but it does for many. Get their details and give them to him and let him act on it.

All the best.

LegacyUser

thank you... well i didn't notice it creep up because their was always a pair of us doing it. It was fun for a while but now I just want us both to knock it on the head. I, unlike him have a wee bit of restraint... I know when to say 'thats enough'. It is just recently, that he has become unreliable. I tried the tough love approach... not sure it got me anywhere though. I have decided to take a step back.. in the hope he realises. He says he doesn't want to be the way he is and he has started counciling. That's all welll and good but if the source remains there, then there is no hope. I feel absolutely useless. Im one of those people who likes to know what Im doing, where I'm going but with this everything is up in the air. Its heartbreaking. I sometimes think of self preservation and then i just think of him and i know if i walk away there will be no hope for him. Its incredibly difficult. But, i love him and I intend to stick it out.

beth-lou

There's a good film about cocaine addiction called The Boost. It's a fairly good depiction of what a sneaky drug it is and how it consumes people. It's great at the start and a little bit glamourous, but ultimately it is very destructive. Well worth a watch, both for you and him.

You have to stop taking it completely, if you are to be of any use to him. You also have to be very strong, no lee way at all on it and set down your terms if you are going to stick with him. Is he still using while going to counselling? I had a friend who was a complete coke head. Over 5 years I never met her once when she was straight, she always had a bag of coke, no matter where we went. She became a neurotic mess, and developed a drink problem too. She went to a counsellor too, but she was still using, so it was a useless excerise. She has now cut off all contact with her straight friends, because we got sick of her crap and eventually pulled her up on her behaviour after ignoring one too many incidents. She would rather drop all her friends than deal with her problem. That was her choice.

You have to give your boyfriend a choice, you or coke. After that it's up to him. There isn't much else you can do if he is still enjoying the buzz and too stupid to see what's coming down the road. Try to be strong and don't make the mistake of putting him before you. He'll do that all by himself, that's coke for you. Get some professional advise or look it up online so you know what you're dealing with. If heis using during the week, knws he has a problem, won't stop and is willing to lose you over it, then he is properly addicted and the only one who can help him is himself.