I don't want to love her

LegacyUser

I need to tell you something that's on my mind at the moment... don't know why but this is something I can't really talk to any of my friends about, and I especially can't talk to the person concerned!

Right, well I'm living on campus in Uni' with 6 other people in an apartment. One of those flatmates is a girl with whom I have a... unique relationship. Essentially she's been living in the room beside me since october. We've become the closest of friends, I mean we get along better than I've ever gotten along with a girl. It just makes me happy to be with her.

For the first 2 months of living together there was an incredible tension between us, we spent ALOT of time together and eventually one things led to another and we very nearly had an "intimate" episode but I stopped it... theorising at the time that it was stupid for flatmates to get "involved" and that I actually valued her friendship too much to risk ruining it on one drunken evening. To which she reluctantly agreed and since then we've become even closer... the best of friends.

... months on, and we've both gone our separate romantic ways, dating other people etc. Though recently, she's been bringing home a guy, watching movies or whatever in her room... and I have never experienced jealously as severe as when I know she has a guy in her room... I'm talking about punching walls, pacing up and door, blood boiling... I have to leave the apartment when she has a guy over cause I don't trust myself around the two of them...

... anyway after many hours I've concluded that I feel something more for her than simple good friendship... I don't know what these emotions are but all I know is that I think about her every minute of everyday...

But

I can't tell her this, because deep down inside I know that we wouldn't work long term as a couple. We have nothing in common, we like completely different things... but there is just this horrible intangable quality that I can't define or understand. I'd do anything for her. At the same time, I hate her... I hate that she is making me feel this way... I don't want to feel this way about her, I just want to be friends... I know that's hard to understand but It's true...

Basically my head is all over the place...

Essentially, the question is: Should I just tell her how I feel, or should I keep my mouth shut and hope that when we move home for the summer these emotions will stop? I don't want to risk our friendship. Deep down I know she doesn't feel what I do....

I'm so confused....

I'd appreciate your opinions and harsh advice...

Salome

I really don't understand the problem. You two get on great without having "things in common" so what's the problem with not liking the same things as a couple??

Isn't it better to bring different things to a relationship? We're not all clones of each other FFS.

If you don't want a relationship with her, move out and stop torturing yourself. If you do, grow a pair and give it a try. If you don't try, you'll never know. You could be missing out on something great.

And what's the obsession with staying friends anyway???

That_Guy

You have to face facts here that she's dating other people. You should be doing the same instead of getting annoyed and jealous of who she brings back to the apartment.

You can be good friends and love each other just as friends without having to go out with each other. Be supportive of her that she's found someone and be happy for her.

You were probably right to stop a moment you may have had between the two of you because if it didn't work out you may have ended up hating each other.

When I was in college things got complicated between friends because two guys had slept with one girl on seperate occasions and they ended up fighting and haven't talked to each other since.

You're probably really regretting not kissing her or whatever happened and honestly it's probably better off in the long run because if you had you'd see each other every day and there may be a time when she or yourself bring another person back to the apartment and all hell could break loose with jealousy issues.

Just my two cents and I'm speaking from encounters that I've witnessed.

Carsinian Thau

If you truly cannot see a relationship with her, then don't say anything.

Wait for summer. The feelings will go away (you may need to help them along) and then you can go back to being her friend.

No-one gets hurt (especially you) and it's not that long to wait.

Speaking as someone who has been in such a situation, I wish you luck.

Terodil

Hmpf. First off, I don't think the assumption 'we have nothing in common, so we won't work as a couple' is right. You need some agreement on basic values etc, you need an agreement between your two characters, but beyond that, the difference can make the relationship much more interesting. You don't want to sit on each other's lap all the time anyway, and what better way to broaden your own horizons? I don't know the specific differences that you see so I cannot give any real advice here but seriously OP, I think you might be making a mistake here.

You really need to make up your mind on this. You haven't really, because otherwise you wouldn't be posting this. You know that it could work, your heart tells you so, but your brain is trying to talk you out of it. Usually the heart is right, you know. Unless your rationality is so overpowering that you don't even think about her any more.

So once you've made up your mind, if you decide to stand by your current choice, you'll gradually see your brain win over your heart. It will go away with time, don't worry.

If you decide that you missed a grand opportunity, I would fight for it tbh. F*ck the other guy, perhaps she even started something with him to get you thinking? You don't know. Explain to her what you are feeling and take it from there.

Baraboo

You say that you do not want to love her. Is this because you do love her and don't want to or that you do not want to get any more involved than you are.

You think about her every minute of every day. How much more involved do you think you can get.

Surrender to the inevitable. Tell her how you feel - See where it goes from there.

Or move out and have no further contact.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies guys, I appreciate your advice immensely.

The thing is that when I met her back in October, she was only a few months out of a very long term relationship (5 1/2 years) she has gone dating mad recently, one new guy a month by my count, almost in an effort to "make up for lost time". I completely understand and accept this, and also understand that she doesn't want anything serious, just yet anyway. It's hard to get into her head but basically she wants her freedom and I have to appreciate that.

That fact also make me feel that whatever sparks were flying between us a few months ago, were just that.. temporary sparks. If she's moving from guy to guy at the moment making up for lost time as it were, it only serves to make me think that anything between us was only casual.

Still, regardless of all this... she consumes my thoughts. I know it sounds chessie, but I really have never felt these emotions before... I don't know why it is I care, when everthing in my head says that I shouldn't.

In response to your question about "what differences there are between us". We really are into completely different things. I'm a fitness fanatic, I don't think she knows how to run! She's into music I think is terrible, and Vice Versa. .. on a rather shallow level, I don't actually find her that attractive, 6 out of 10 is what I'd give her if I saw her in a night club.... But all of that is meaningless because I.. I just care about her so much. I've never fantasied about her in a sexual way, never. When I think of her, I think about stupid things like going for a walk, or sitting on a bench talking about ****e... It doesn't make any sense.

I've talked to one of her close friends in confidence about this, and she can't give me an answer either. I've two options, keep my mouth shut and hopefully these things will go away... or... tell her everthing... even though I can't see what good that would do, and it certainly wouldn't make the feelings go away, even if she said to my face "no" , I'd still feel this way....

G-Money

I'm in a slightly similar situation. I'm sharing a place with a two others, a guy and a girl and I've recently found myself growing closer to the girl. There are times I think she's interested, other times I think she's just being friendly. It's getting to the point where I don't want to be here on weekends in-case she brings some guy home from a night out. Just the other night she got me to drive her to town and while I was driving home I just snapped and had to go out. I couldn't sit around waiting for her to get home wondering if I will hear two sets of foot steps coming in through the door.

I've been thinking about moving out for a while but haven't done it yet as there's some things that I have to sort out first. So I feel like I can't ask her out or anything while I'm still living her. If she said yes it would be grand, but if she said no, it would just be horrifically awkward. So basically I plan to keep my mouth shut and when I move out, drop the bombshell. That way if she says no, I won't have to see her every day. In the mean time I think I'm going to try and start spending less time here.

I think I recommend something similar to yourself. I once read a saying that life is too short to spend it doing something you don't like. Unless you are locked into some sort of draconian lease, if things are bad, just move out. If you don't want to tell her the truth, then don't, just make up some excuse. It's awful when we are in hurtful situations but what makes them better is being able to get away from them. You have the option of doing this.

Salome

So basically, it's fear that she doesn't feel the same way that's holding you back but you're hiding behind your differences?

bluecell99

You want harsh advice?Try this for size.

Why have you made up your mind that it would never work?What are you afraid of?Failure or do lack the maturity to go into a fifty fifty relationship and deal with your emotions.

Bottom line is if you cant then move out ,cut the contact and stop torturing yourself.Might be no harm to work on those self esteem issues as well.

legal eagle 1

I think ur main issue is your fear of being rejected by her....hence all your reasons for not wanting to be wit her. If someones consumes your thoughts all day every day theres a reason for it and its not just friendship!!

Maybe she has gone wild lately being single but, maybe she's making herself busy so she doesn t have to think of you.
Why don't you think she feels the same?? didnt ye almost get together?
As for your comments on ye having nothing in common.......most couples are polar opposites to each other and its what makes the relationship interesting and as for your rating on her attractiveness....well i fell for a guy i wouldnt even have rated as a one out of ten.....but it was the person he was that made me like him!

herya

Confuzeled wrote: »

In response to your question about "what differences there are between us". We really are into completely different things. I'm a fitness fanatic, I don't think she knows how to run! She's into music I think is terrible, and Vice Versa. .. on a rather shallow level, I don't actually find her that attractive, 6 out of 10 is what I'd give her if I saw her in a night club....

This is all irrelevant. You need a partner not a clone. I know many excellent relationships where her and him are from two different planets entirely.

marko91

u say use are the best of mates and get along great but have nothing in common...opposites attract!...ur obviously in love with her and the jealousy means u want her and dont want anyone else having her,seems like she may have feelings for u too...i personaly would rather go for it and at leist know for shure it doesnt work out than not going for it and spending all your life wondering...take a chance man maby itl be the best decision u ever made:)

legal eagle 1

marko91 wrote: »

u say use are the best of mates and get along great but have nothing in common...opposites attract!...ur obviously in love with her and the jealousy means u want her and dont want anyone else having her,seems like she may have feelings for u too...i personaly would rather go for it and at leist know for shure it doesnt work out than not going for it and spending all your life wondering...take a chance man maby itl be the best decision u ever made:)

I agree

LegacyUser

I know where your coming from, I'm working with a really lovely girl, we have become very good friends and lately I have been seeing her in a way different light, I think about her alot and we get on brilliantly but I honestly can't bring myself to tell her how I feel even though I know I should man up and say something to her.

I suppose I'm worried about what would happen if she didn't see me in that light, I'm going moving jobs shortly and I probably will hardly see her often but I so want to say something. I hope I get the courage before its too late and not look back with regrets in a couple of months time

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. I basically fell for my friend that I'd met just back in september at the start of college. We'd been great friends, really close and all that. Long story short i hosted a poker night in my house.... a regular enough occurance and I invited my friend and her boyfriend over..... let me tell you I've never been more jealous in my life then i was then.

Even seeing them holding hands or kissing just got my back up. I'd met the bf before and he's a lovely chap. They've been going out for 3 years and are pretty damn serious. Though regardless I felt an extreme level of jealousy.

Basically after stewing for a week I decided that I needed to tell her how i felt. Obviously make it clear that there was nothing we could do about it, and that there was nothing I would expect of course. In the end we talked it through... I cried, she cried and I put my fist through a pane of glass in college, but we got through it. I just had to back off for a while as it was my problem to deal with.

Our friendship will probably never be the same again, not in a bad way, but there'll always be that knowledge that I still care for her in a way she'll probably never return. But IMHO she deserved to know the truth.

I know my situation was different but i hope it'll give you some help in yours

LegacyUser

Right, well if you're interested in following a soap opera, listen to this...

I just decided to take the majority of the advice I've been given by some mates, and you lot, and just go for it... In a moment of ridiculous madness I wrote down exactly the way I've been feeling on 2 sheets of A4, put it in a home made envelope and put it under her door about an hour ago...

needless to say I immediately regret my decision...

I'll let you know how it pans out! Thanks for the advice guys.

Terodil

*crosses fingers*

good luck!!

LegacyUser

Best of luck.

I am in the same position as you but older (in my late twenties). I decided to talk to my friend last week and discovered that she has just started seeing somebody else. She was single for a year. I was a coward and it wouldn't have been fair on her to say something last week. now I have to live with this reality and it is devastating me. I cannot see myself getting a second chance. So well done for taking the hard step. After that, what will be will be.

MB Lacey

Do you really love her or the fact that she loves you and that makes you feel good?

Confuzeled wrote: »

I just want to be friends... I know that's hard to understand but It's true...

I think there's your answer

LegacyUser

Heres one angle i don't think anyone has brought up!

BUT WHAT IF!!!!

This is the worst feeling in the world take my advise on this one...i have carried this burden for years and things still make me wonder to this day and to be honest still get me down about it! places, smells, people all of them make me wonder would things be diffrent now if i did try!

You will sit there to yourself at some point in the future and say i wish i tried and you will regret it so bad...regardless of who your are with etc you will still regret it!

if she means that much to you...don't miss out on the opportunity to change your life!


i notice you say as well deep down she doesn't feel the same! do you honestly know this or are you scared of rejection?

i spoke to this girl not long ago and she felt the same so if i took my chance i could have had what i wanted! its mad that she sits there even to this day thinking what if and so do i! but because we both didn't confront each other then we missed out as she is in a relationship and has been for four years and myself 2 years!

But the what if feeling is still there!!!!!

Again the only thing i can say is don't miss out on the chance for something special while you can...because you will regret it....ALWAYS!

SunInDublin

Ah i see you left a note under her door, good luck !

all you said was totally like ready my ex diary!! everything you said you feel (except for you dont fancy her sexually or have fantasy bout her) !
my ex was getting prper anger and rage about guys just talking to me and slowly and was hating it, that was when were jsut dating casualy!! he used to say !"god i hate you so much" needless to say it was a red flag for "im falling hard" (thats what happened, actually it was both ways!) and he sure said he didnt want to in so many words, only reason was im older than him, but you cant help falling for someone even with differences, any differences, and obviously you are falling for her cos no one would get that jealous out of friendships!!;)

Probably cos you stop things to go further that night she got a bit a an ego bruise, i know i would of as a girl, so she tried to trigger something in you by bringing guys over...who knows! in any case it worked!!

good luck and hope it turns out positive for you;)