How does one move on

LegacyUser

Ok long story short, im 29, hes 34. We went out for about four years. Before that he went out with a girl for 10 years. We broke up 3 months ago and im gutted to say the least. I have done the whole no contact thing since. I had a missed call from him paddys day and one text from him since saying he was thinking bout me and that he hoped i was well. Anyway just found out from his friend that he just got engaged to his ex (who knows nothing of me at all aptly (she doesnt even know i exist). Im even more gutted as i love him so much and i thought stupidly enough if he couldnt get in contact me for a few months he would realise how much he missed me and come running back to me.

I guess i really need to know how do i move on from this. Im crying constantly and i just need to move on to get over this.

SarahSassy

You poor, poor pet.. I am so sorry to see what he has done to you...

Well firstly keep up with no contact. Nothing will be gained from contacting him now... The second thing to do is just mourn for a while. Give yourself 2 weeks to cry, shout, scream and moan and set a timescale to move on after that point. I am not saying you will feel better then but you will have given the whole shock and upset a total unleashing...

He is such a nasty piece of work... 3 months is a very short time to get back with someone after 4 years and get engaged. Not a nice guy and you are well rid. That may be of some consolation to you.

Sending you a hug....

SS

PS does his new woman think he was single for the last 4 years - where was she living - on the moon? Also, its hardly a good basis for an engagement - her not knowing he was in a serious relationship til 3 months ago... Mad behaviour.

star-pants

Agree with Sarah above there,

Very odd, he dated X for 10 years, then you for 4, and 3months later gets engaged to X?
And she knows nothing about you?

Good and bad thing to him getting engaged, bad is it hurts like hell. But good because now you know it's really really over (odd as it may sound that's one of the hardest parts to accept). You won't hold out any hope things will work anymore, you can now concentrate on you and getting *you* back on track. Stick with the no contact, it'll do you best for now. And *hugs* I empathise

LegacyUser

Op here.

Thats easy. I live in Dublin as does he, but he is from the country 4 hour drive from Dublin and she lives at home. So i guess whats happened in Dublin stayed in Dublin to him. He is having long distance relationship with her now i guess. I have done all the crying for past few months, this prob just added shock, but im sick of feeling like this i really just want to stop thinking about him every minute of every bloody day and move on. I dont even know where to start. When does it even start to get easier?

Wibbs

It sounds like he wasn't as over the ex as he thought. Or maybe he was, though I would put good money there was an equally short gap between her and you when you first started going out. He hadn't processed the ex relationship and jumped right to you and if that is the case, I would also put good money he hasn't processed your relationship or breakup either. I would also put good money there was some overlap emotionally between the two of the women in his life. I know it hurts, but even if the above is not the case, you still dodged a major bullet.

As star pants said, although this engagment is one hell of a slap in the face, it does let you know that it's over. I'd say even reading those two words hits you hard, but trust me, better this in the long run than the limbo of "maybe he'll come to his senses". Doesn't make it any easier at the moment, but trust me down the line you will be glad of that slap in the face. You will start to heal quicker.

Nervous Wreck

Some good advice here.... As for the moving on, well I guess it's probably different from person to person but what's been working(ish) for me lately is a combination of things:

1. See your friends. See them a LOT.

2. Allow yourself to cry if you need, but not to the point where you lose control of yourself.

3. Identify something about yourself that you're maybe unhappy with and change it (I decided to get contacts last week and am feeling really, really positive about this small change).

4. Take up a brand new hobby that has no connection with him/your relationship. It'll give you something new and regular to do and won't remind you of him. (I chose to take a swing dance class!)

5. Express yourself creatively! Paint a picture, write a song etc. Even if you can't do any of these things, anyone can draw a stick figure cartoon! Any sort of creativity is positive and therapeutic.

6. Take your time.


Good luck OP, my heart is with you.

star-pants

Best not to think about how/if his relationship with her is working. It really doesn't help.
I know right now you're just hurting and even though advice makes sense, it's not the same as actually accepting it and doing it. When you're in that upset zone nothing but hurting & wanting them back gets through. It's only when that cloud starts to lift that you can see things a bit clearer.

You really are doing the best thing keeping away and no contact with him, and horrible as it is to say, it's good you know he's with someone else. It does speed up the healing process. You can and will get through this, just stay strong and know that it WILL get easier. You have to let it though.

estar

personally if this man had any class he would have phoned you or met you for coffee before you heard through strangers. that would have been the mannerly thing to do. however clearly he is not mannerly or respectful. don't let this diminish you or make you question yourself. you were so strong to keep to the no contact thing. most people say they will, but many do succomb. i feel sorry for his now fiancee. it all looks a little dodgy. and she doesnt even get a choice in the matter, as she doesnt know you exist. she is probably delighted that he asked. she doesnt know that only 3 months ago he was in someone elses bed. everyone has the right to be with whom they want, but there are ways and means. frankly, he has handled all this quite badly. i would be so let down as the fiancee if i found out, it would diminish the freeness of the engagement in my mind. waiting a respectful time is common decency.

but that doesnt help you. be kind to yourself. no harsh thoughts. it just wasnt to be, and any more analysis other than that probably wont help.

meet your friends, think kind thoughts about yourself and allow yourself to feel all the emotions. talk about them. make lots of plans. make a list of ten ambitions for the year so that you end the year saying - it started sh%t. but i turned it around. achieving something always restores the balance of control when something crap happens you cant control.

dont let this influence how you think about men if you can.

GirlInterrupted

Unregistered wrote: »

Ok long story short, im 29, hes 34. We went out for about four years. Before that he went out with a girl for 10 years. We broke up 3 months ago and im gutted to say the least. I have done the whole no contact thing since. I had a missed call from him paddys day and one text from him since saying he was thinking bout me and that he hoped i was well. Anyway just found out from his friend that he just got engaged to his ex (who knows nothing of me at all aptly (she doesnt even know i exist). Im even more gutted as i love him so much and i thought stupidly enough if he couldnt get in contact me for a few months he would realise how much he missed me and come running back to me.

I guess i really need to know how do i move on from this. Im crying constantly and i just need to move on to get over this.

Cry for as long as you need to, then take a few deep breaths.

All you can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, day after day, and distract yourself as much as you can. Be gentle with yourself, but don't indulge your grief too much.

The hurt will lessen with time, and all you can do is tell yourself that he's been dishonest, both with you and with his new fiance, and that you deserve better.

SunInDublin

Well i sure feel for you too..

Im in a similar situation right now, although totally different story with my ex, younger guy...
Anyway, it hurts like hell and like you i think of him every freaking mins of the day its exhausting to say the least!

I know there isnt much answer but yes, no contact is key, im impressed you have been able to do that, i was good the first couple of weeks and he wasnt and now its the other way around so im working on it..

All i can say is baby's steps, i give you advise that im trying to do myself, how ironic!!

If you need a companion to go out crying/drinking with let me know! looks like we should all form a club "recovery" mode!!

He doesnt deserve your thoughts and you obviously wasted too many years on him..

best of luck missy!

Panthro

if i were you, i would take each day as is comes, if ur feeling sad, say to yourself right im going to cry bitch moan for the next ten minutes and after that im going to do something i enjoy and make myself feel better.keep doing that each day, lowering the amount of cry time, increase the amount of happy time as the days pass.
and get right back in with touch with every mate you have and start going out and enjoying yourself.that guy clearly was not worth it

Queencake

You poor dear.

This will get better. It'll take time but it will get easier as time goes on.

Think about maybe going to see a counsellor - just because you may find the support helpful and sometimes it's easier to talk about these things with someone who is not your friend. I know if I was in your situation it'd be easier.