Always having to be "the bigger person"

unreggd

As long as I can remember, whenever I've had a stupid argument with someone, didnt talk for a few days, its always been me that patches it up, and starts talkin to the other person again

I also did the same with my mother for years

But in the last year or so it's kinda pissed me off that it's always me that has to patch things up, on a regular basis

So I purposely didnt with 2 people, to see if they'd try, but they havent

So, what I'm askin is Is this just the way people are, or am I right to feel annoyed that the other person wont/doesnt seem to want to make the effort, at all, to patch things up?

IMO, any relationship [friends, family members] should be a 2 way/meet half way kinda thing

But with my friends, if I dont patch it up, they'd never contact me again

And that makes me wonder if they're friends worth having


And its the same with my mother. she has loads of other problems she needs to sort out that effect us getting along. I told her what she needs to do [as advice, not as a controlling thing] but she wont. She wants her lifestyle to change, socially, but she wont make any effort herself. She'll always wait for people to come to her, but she'll never make a first step herself

We havent gotten along for about 4 years, and I moved out 3 years ago

But I dealt with not having a mother, through a counselor in school, and accepted it

So now, it doesnt bother me we dont get along, but if she changed for the better and we could get along, then that'd be great

But family members keep bringing it up, sayin I have to be the bigger person, again

So I dont know what to do

I dont want to act like everythings ok when its not cos it wont really change how she feels about her life in general, and it'd make me feel kinda stupid

And I know its a horrible thing to say, but I dont really feel anything for her. I dont remember anything positive I miss from not speaking to her

sorry for the rant!

Thanks

Overheal

unreggd wrote: »

But in the last year or so it's kinda pissed me off that it's always me that has to patch things up, on a regular basis

Nobody forces you to patch up anything. If its a behavior you hate why do it? Welcome to conformity.

So, what I'm askin is Is this just the way people are, or am I right to feel annoyed that the other person wont/doesnt seem to want to make the effort, at all, to patch things up?

Thats the way people are. If they feel they are in the wrong, they shall. If you havent seen this behavior once yet, I'd be concerned that they are not at fault.

IMO, any relationship [friends, family members] should be a 2 way/meet half way kinda thing

But with my friends, if I dont patch it up, they'd never contact me again

And that makes me wonder if they're friends worth having

Makes me wonder how often this has happened to you. I've maybe ever fallen out with One friend, when I was immature and crossed an immutable line with a family related insult.
If you find yourself constantly feeling the need to patch things up perhaps its because you're constantly breaking things too?

And its the same with my mother. she has loads of other problems she needs to sort out that effect us getting along. I told her what she needs to do [as advice, not as a controlling thing] but she wont. She wants her lifestyle to change, socially, but she wont make any effort herself. She'll always wait for people to come to her, but she'll never make a first step herself

We havent gotten along for about 4 years, and I moved out 3 years ago

But I dealt with not having a mother, through a counselor in school, and accepted it

If your mother doesnt want to make the effort what can you do. I could probably get my dad to stop drinking but only through a lot of blood sweat and tears, and not through telling him things he has already heard either.

You didn't get your way so you left home..

So now, it doesnt bother me we dont get along, but if she changed for the better and we could get along, then that'd be great

But family members keep bringing it up, sayin I have to be the bigger person, again

So I dont know what to do

Perhaps the Bigger Man in this case is not always looking down on people? You seem to have this attitude that everyone has the problems but you, from what I've read. Oh, you're friends need to apologize for a change, or your mother needs to fix herself.

Not trying to rag on you mate but its pretty clear when you are falling out with people with an alarming regularity that you might be responsible. You can't keep testing people and pushing them to the point where it requires "patching", you need to be really thinking about how you get into these arguments and what you can do to settle them down before it reaches that point.

edit: this really screamed at me during the proof read:

So now, it doesnt bother me we dont get along, but if she changed for the better and we could get along, then that'd be great

The fúck.

So OK, you want to mend things when she Changes herself. Nothing wrong with that.

However what really concerns me here is that any normal person in your situation would feel pretty upset and bothered that they had fallen out with their Mother.

...

unreggd

Overheal wrote: »

Nobody forces you to patch up anything. If its a behavior you hate why do it? Welcome to conformity

Because I want to stay friends with them
So them not makin an effort comes across as them not wanting to

Thats the way people are. If they feel they are in the wrong, they shall. If you havent seen this behavior once yet, I'd be concerned that they are not at fault

Thats the same thing again, they'll never think they do anything wrong
Im not sayin i'm perfect, and if I know im doin something wrong i'd admit it, but they refuse to talk about it, which imo is kinda childish

If you find yourself constantly feeling the need to patch things up perhaps its because you're constantly breaking things too?

Again, they wont talk about it

You didn't get your way so you left home..

Its not about getting my way. You're implying its a control thing, when it isnt. As I said, all her problems affect us getting along, so I tried to sort that out. I left because I wasnt getting anywhere, and I was 17 goin on 18, doin the leavin, tryin to sort college, I already had loads to sort out for myself

Perhaps the Bigger Man in this case is not always looking down on people? You seem to have this attitude that everyone has the problems but you, from what I've read. Oh, you're friends need to apologize for a change, or your mother needs to fix herself

I'm not saying the problem is not me at all, you dont seem to get that part.
And she does need to fix herself, for herself. Cos its makin her a miserable, unhappy person

Not trying to rag on you mate but its pretty clear when you are falling out with people with an alarming regularity that you might be responsible. You can't keep testing people and pushing them to the point where it requires "patching", you need to be really thinking about how you get into these arguments and what you can do to settle them down before it reaches that point.

Its not an alarming regularity, and its not all my friends, as I said, only 2

All my other friends, who know us both, agree that the way they act is childish and immature

I always apologize for stuff I know I did wrong, but if I asked them if I didnt anything else wrong, they refuse to talk about it

So OK, you want to mend things when she Changes herself. Nothing wrong with that.
However what really concerns me here is that any normal person in your situation would feel pretty upset and bothered that they had fallen out with their Mother

Because they'd miss something from the relationship
But I personally dont remember anything to miss, as its been like this for as long as I can remember [im 21 now]

overheal, i've no idea where you're post came from.. completely unwarrented.

OP, i've had similar experiences to yourself in the past with a couple of people but i barely see those friends anymore. used to send 50+ texts to each other a day and constantly be around each other. now i've adopted a very relaxed attitude with them and am much happier for it.. i'll chat to them on facebook now and then, go for a random pint and that's about it. they don't really deserve any more than that anyway.

some people just arn't good at being close friends so leave it be.. i wish i did years earlier.

unreggd

Deleted User wrote: »

overheal, i've no idea where you're post came from.. completely unwarrented.

OP, i've had similar experiences to yourself in the past with a couple of people but i barely see those friends anymore. used to send 50+ texts to each other a day and constantly be around each other. now i've adopted a very relaxed attitude with them and am much happier for it.. i'll chat to them on facebook now and then, go for a random pint and that's about it. they don't really deserve any more than that anyway.

some people just arn't good at being close friends so leave it be.. i wish i did years earlier.

Thanks, thats kind of where I was comin from

I do understand Overheals POV though, so thanks for the input too!

AngryBadger

OP while it is true that different people are capable of having friendships at different levels what most people tend to forget is that you decide how other people are going to treat you.

Let's say someone transgresses against me. Unless what they did was completely beyond the pale I'd generally not hold grudges provided they apologised. If they didn't apologise I'd simple have nothing to do with them in the future.

Some people would consider my approach way too harsh, but from my perspective; I have to know that the people I allow into my personal life are people I can rely on, they don't have to think the same way as me, but we do need to share some basic value systems, otherwise we're not going to interface very well. Therefore, is somebody misbehaves and I feel they're in the wrong, and yet unrepentant then my opinion of that person changes to them being someone who obviously doesn't respect me enough to make amends, erego why would I bother investing myself in a relationship with them?

In relation to your situation, why would you waste energy mending fences with people that, (according to your description), have no interest in mending those fences? Do you not think you're more or less giving them carte blanche to disabuse you?

If you want to mend fences I applaud you, but if doing that makes you unhappy I can understand why since you're basically giving people a pass to be unpleasant to you.

As regards your mother, I think we can all look at our parents and wonder why they don't change in whatever ways we might think would improve their lives. You need to respect that for better or worse, it's your mothers prerogative to do as she pleases, and that includes ignoring your advice. Deal with it.

Jack B. Badd

unreggd wrote: »

Because I want to stay friends with them
So them not makin an effort comes across as them not wanting to

Maybe they don't. If I were you, I'd be asking myself why I'm making such an effort to hang off people who don't appear to want to be my friends.

unreggd

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Maybe they don't. If I were you, I'd be asking myself why I'm making such an effort to hang off people who don't appear to want to be my friends.

Thats what I'm tryin to figure out

But if I patch it up, then its all good, we get along again

Its well confusin

Queen-Mise

A friend of mine a few years ago told me something they had done, at the time I thought it was OTT, but now I agree with them.

The person basically filtered his friendships and got rid of all the one-sided ones, where he was the only one ever to make contact, or to arrange meetups. They would meet up but it was always him that instigated it.

Always having to be the one to be the 'bigger person' is downright annoying and very insensitive by other people. In my experience they are basically taking you for granted. They are there when things are good but gone when things are hard - fair weather friends.

It is a decision you have to make whether you are going to associate with them, even though they may not be there if things get hard.


I think some one of the previous posters was very hard on you regards your mother. Well done OP on not bringing the fact you don't have the best relationship with your mother into your day to day life.
From the sounds of it, your mother is not capable of having a healthy relationship with you, and that ok. Lets hope, the two of you can have one at some point in your lives.

One last thing I am going to say/ask? Is being the 'bigger person' in some ways making you a doormat. People can walk all over you. Just a question.

LegacyUser

Op im in the same situation as you at the moment- My friend is not talking to me at the moment because i wouldn't do her a favor regarding work..My excuse for not being able to help her was legitimate but in return she called me a bad friend and implied i am never there for her because i didn't do this one favor for her. Is this what friendship is meant to be?

So who is in the wrong here? Me for genuinely not being able to help her out or her for expecting me to do something beyond my power at the time? Sometimes being the bigger person makes you end up looking like a doormat- which is what im feeling at the moment. Don't even know if this helps, just felt my situation was similar to yours.

LegacyUser

I used to be a bit like you alright.

I held friendships at the same level - each friend meant a lot to me.... . over the years I have realised that just becuase I thought of someone as a good friend, didn't mean that they thought that.

I was let down badly by my friends last year - it was in relation to another friend of ours who was going through a tough time and they buried their heads in the sand and they left it up to me to sort.... none of them called me. None of them called him.... three weeks later they were back to being best mates with him.... I told him that he needed to find some better friends and that while I would still have pints with them, would never again go out of my way for them. I cancelled from a lads holiday and he told them how let down I felt.

None of them ever brought it up with me..... I felt that if they had wanted to be the "better man", then they could. It wasn't up to me to patch things up.

There are better people out there - that's what I've found.... it has been refreshing to dump my old friends (I see them maybe once a month now).

Some friends are worth patching it up with.... you just have to let the others go.

As for your mum, well, I went through a similar thing to you. Thing is, she doesn't know how to change or else she doesn't have the capacity to change. I used to resent my mum for many things.... why isn't she more like this or that? why doesn't she just get over her shyness/depression/inability to be just like a normal person.... over the years though, she has changed a bit....

unreggd

Unregistered wrote: »

Op im in the same situation as you at the moment- My friend is not talking to me at the moment because i wouldn't do her a favor regarding work..My excuse for not being able to help her was legitimate but in return she called me a bad friend and implied i am never there for her because i didn't do this one favor for her. Is this what friendship is meant to be?

Thats the same kinda things we'd argue about, the other friend not getting their way, when it wasnt always reasonable/realistic

nice to know theres others with the same kind of issue

So, for me, I think regarding the certain friends, i'll end it on good terms

Thanks again for the replies everyone

LegacyUser

unreggd wrote: »

Thats the same kinda things we'd argue about, the other friend not getting their way, when it wasnt always reasonable/realistic

nice to know theres others with the same kind of issue[/QUOTE

Is this what real friends do though? Judging a friendship by what "favors" you do them..i just cant seem to get my head around this.

bluecell99

OP I see where you are coming from.

As you say yourself if so called friends do not make the effort then they are not friends.Simple as that.You are dead right in wondering why do you all the running??

The same thing has happened me and now I have moved forward and realised these wasters were interested in one thing and thats themselves.In spite of knowing some of them for twenty years!!Best thing I ever did in finally realising and moving on.I have met new people and never looked back.

You are the best judge in how to deal with your mother.Unless you are off the wall in your actions then your relations are a bit rich in expecting you to deal with everything and make the first move etc.It is classic bully behaviour - offload the problems onto the one person who they know will deal with it and is the serious,sensible one.

Make your own decisions.Great to see you gaining in strength and realising you are important.Not anyone esle on the periphery .

Continue the way you are and let people come to you.Stop making excuses for anyone else and let them revel in their blandness.

LegacyUser

I have the same situation with friends and my mother! My mother is very strong headed - if I argue with her, regardless of who is in the wrong, I have to be the one to apologise. Its really annoying but she's my mother so what can you do.

In relation to the friends thing I used to be the make up one. The a few years ago a really good pal started a stupid argument with me (and some other mates) over nothing. He acted a total dick so I decide to blank him until he apologised. I got a call from his fiance about a month later saying he was really upset and had being crying (!!!). She proceeded to tell me how out of order I was!! Anyway, he rang me and apologised and we sorted things out.

So my advice is to not to be the 'bigger' one with friends, but you are stuck with your family!!

banshee_bones

OP i know exactly how you feel and like another poster my mother also has alot of her own issues to deal with but wont, and it therefore meant i moved out as soon as possible after my leaving.

I know all about the "being the bigger person" and olive branches and getting it thrown back in your face.The handful of people I found myself this way with, well... were no longer friends or as "close" as i may once have thought we were. another poster made a valid point, just because you think your good mates,doesnt mean the other person will.

My friendships mean the world to mean & I invest alot of time in them and happily do so at that, when i can see the other person appreciates it and puts in the same effort.
I had a long discussion with an older friend about this and he reminded me that friendships are 50-50 not 60-40 or 70-30 and if you find yourself doing all the texting, the contact and running around you need to sit the person down and find out whats going on, otherwise you will end up having invested alot of time energy and effort in to something that well... just wasnt worth all your effort... its sad but thats just the way some people are im afraid....