How to stop arguments.

LegacyUser

Boyfriend and I together 5 months. Problem is we seem to argue or rather have misunderstandings a lot and it's starting to bother us both.

I think a lot of it is to do with how things were at beginning. He wasn't as commited, wasn't sure I think, went on about being friends. I saw this as basically wanting a licence to take on another woman if she came along. I started to feel bad about myself & a bit used so I called it quits, told him how I felt. He decided he did want me, made a big effort so happy days. It was a funny start though and I'm very cautious & find it hard totally chill at times - I know, I'm afraid of being hurt, it's normal.
We have issues over me finding it hard trust him, various reasons. Latest thing is a misunderstanding over him being able to get me a week's work - but he's far away and I have a son and when I said I'd have to check could his dad take him and his activities he didn't get it straight away, took it personally and got annoyed, saw it as a rejection of his wanting to help. I wasn't jumping over the moon immediately. He told me he cared greatly about me & my present situation. I said I knew he did and he was so good but not to take it personally when my first reaction is think of what would I do with my son. Any of ye who have kids will know that's just a very normal thing and in no way dismissive of him.
He admits he forgets and doesn't always think what it's like for me as he's no kids, he always just has himself to think about - one big difference in us. It upsets me, and I show it, when he seems to get annoyed with me. I need to stop getting upset and reacting like that.

We get on great on many levels. I adore him. We've both care and love each other. He's a the nicest, kindest man I've ever met. I'm the dole at moment and he's happy to pay for everything for example.
However, we have had very very different relationship experiences. Myself 11 years with one man, so used to the ups and downs of the longhaul, he's had multiple relationships none lasting longer than a year.

He can be hot and cold and a bit moody at times but not as much anymore. Sometimes I feel him distant to me - but that's just he's wrapped in his 'things'. So I doubt his love.
I thinks I don't trust him. Yet he also things I'm the more caring/loving woman he's ever met - and says he doesn't know how to handle that at times. I think I'm just normal, very affectionate, touchy feely, caring - but sure maybe this is all knew to him?

I want to know how to stop reacting to him when he gets defensive or takes things personally he shouldn't. I also want to be able to chill and trust him more and believe in all this attention he puts upon me.
I think it will just take more time but in the meantime if we keep having these disagreements when we meet we won't last much longer. Like he said himself - are we meant to be together? - well I don't give up easily - he obviously does as his past shows. Maybe we are doomed.

Any tips, tricks...bar biting your tongue, counting to ten? I've done loads of healing & therapy but it's still hard sometimes to just be centered and stay in the present, I have other things stressing me lately which doesn't help.

Nickibaby*

From your post it sounds like you are almost more interested in the relationship than he is to be honest. Yous arn't going out very long, if it's not good at the start imo it's unlikely to improve. I applaude you for putting your child first and it's important you continue to do this even if your OH cannot understand it at times (maybe he tries to and just can't get it).

Maybe he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship particularly? He doesn't sound like a guy who wants to be anyway.

He could feel under pressure with how you are acting you said yourself you find it hard to stay in the present, you could be getting carried away building this relationship up to be something its not.

I don't believe he should pay for everything, it puts you on an unequal footing.. He could resent paying for everything after awhile and feel like he is the one in control. While you have to be grateful for him doing it..

You said you have problems which are stressing you, you should try and get these sorted to that you are happy in yourself therefore more happy in your relationship.

SarahMc

It seems to me that there is way too much drama for such a young relationship. 5 months in things should still be fun and exciting.

I think you are probably investing too much in this too early, and you should take a step back, relax and enjoy it more.

I agree with Nicki, that it is a very bad idea to allow him to pay for everything.

I don't think after 5 months you should be looking for tips how to bite your tongue. It's definitely still honeymoon period. Perhaps after 11 years in another relationship you're used to feeling this way, but if it starts off this way it'll only go downhill. It seems like too much drama, it might be time to rethink the whole thing.