Ex wrecked head

LegacyUser

To cut a long story short, I was with my ex for two years and looking back, he was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The first big warning sign was when we went to a big college event together and he ruined it for me and embarrassed me in front of my friends by flying into a rage because he felt I was ignoring him (!!) I would have dumped him then even though I really liked him because I hate that type of carry on, but we had a summer trip planned and paid for so I decided to stick it out.

It wasn't all bad, we generally got along well and I liked being in a relationship after only having a few casual bfs before and when we got back from the trip, things were going pretty well. The thing was he was very judgemental from the start - he expected me to conform to all his rules. He expected me to be a virgin even though he'd had 3 partners and was younger than me and made me feel really bad for having been with another guy. He said I couldn't go to clubs as it was too much temptation to cheat (which was another MAJOR warning sign - no matter how drunk I am, if I don't want to cheat, I won't) and basically tried to mould me into his idea of what a girlfriend should be. He gave out to me for swearing and saying mildly crude things, for example.

As the months went on, he seemed less and less interested in me. The nicer I was, the more he took me for granted. He was part of a college group and regularly went away for weekends with them without inviting me, which I didn't think was on. He had this whole group of friends I'd never met and he wouldn't let me meet which was so suspicious. I'd see pics of him on Facebook having a great time with these people while I was sitting in on my own. Anytime I objected to this he acted like I was a bunny boiler.

He went abroad for a few weeks and during that time, stayed with a female friend without even asking me if I was ok with it. I know he wasn't his minder, but I think when you're in a relationship, you should talk about this stuff! I was especially uncomfortable cos I knew this girl had sent flirty texts and left flirty messages on Facebook. When he came back from his trip, I had the feeling he'd cheated, so I asked him 4-5 times, answer always no. He actually made me feel awful for asking and not trusting him. I actually apologised for being such a crazy bunner boiler!!

3-4 weeks later, I find out he HAD cheated on me and his reaction is anger towards me for snooping and then tears, because he'd been found out. To this day I still don't think he understands the hurt he caused me and the effect he's had on me.

I dumped him that day. He said he was sorry and that he would remain single for a while, as jumping from one relationship to another had messed him up. Well true to form, a few weeks later, he starts going out with a girl from his college society and this totally crushed me. I'm still in bits over that - not that I wanted to get back with him, but I thought he might actually have taken some notice of what I'd said. Nope. It really hurts me that he learned from the horrible stuff he did to me and is now really nice to her, it doesn't seem fair. I know that's illogical. Anyway, I started seeing a guy myself not long after, a good friend, and while I'm very happy with him, all the stuff from my previous relationship is going around in my head. I used to be so easygoing and now I'm paranoid, checking his facebook, asking who he was with, not trusting him enough. I know if I carry on I'll destroy this relationship but my head has been totally wrecked by this ex. I just can't believe someone could treat me like that, and I'm so afraid the same will happen, it's hard to open up.

Sorry if this makes no sense but I have to get it out!

eveie

hey
i was in practically the same position as you except my ex didnt cheat on me. he was controlling, jealousl, judgemental, and mentally abusive, turned me against my family and my friends, its amazing how manipulatative someone can be. . as with you he wanted me to be perfect in every way, couldnt understand that i had ever slept with someone before him even though he had been previously engaged. he messed my head up so bad that my confidence dropped to zero, i felt worthless, he would tell me that no one else would put up with me and that i was luck to have him any we went out for 2 years(bigger fool me) and he broke it off and i have to say it was the best day of my life, it was as if a weight had been taken off my shoulders.
what this guy did to you is not right, you did not deserve to be treated in this way, i can bet money that your ex is NOT "really nice" to his current gfcand he will continue to treat women in this way, he will not change so look upon it as a lucky escape.
however you must stop thinking that your current bf will cheat on you, he is not your ex, although no one can say for definate that he will never cheat, you cannot treat him in a bad way because of the things your ex did.
maybe write out a list of things you like/love about this guy, a list of things that are different between him and your ex so you can start to see those differences.
being cheated on is not nice, but dont feel insecure about it, in actual fact it is the person that cheats that is insecure. you have done nothing wrong, hold your head up high, forget about the moran you were with and focus on the good points of your current relationship.
maybe eveb talk to you bf about the way your feeling, he may be able to make you feel better about it.

mysterious

Unregistered wrote: »

To cut a long story short, I was with my ex for two years and looking back, he was very emotionally abusive and controlling. The first big warning sign was when we went to a big college event together and he ruined it for me and embarrassed me in front of my friends by flying into a rage because he felt I was ignoring him (!!) I would have dumped him then even though I really liked him because I hate that type of carry on, but we had a summer trip planned and paid for so I decided to stick it out.

It wasn't all bad, we generally got along well and I liked being in a relationship after only having a few casual bfs before and when we got back from the trip, things were going pretty well. The thing was he was very judgemental from the start - he expected me to conform to all his rules. He expected me to be a virgin even though he'd had 3 partners and was younger than me and made me feel really bad for having been with another guy. He said I couldn't go to clubs as it was too much temptation to cheat (which was another MAJOR warning sign - no matter how drunk I am, if I don't want to cheat, I won't) and basically tried to mould me into his idea of what a girlfriend should be. He gave out to me for swearing and saying mildly crude things, for example.

As the months went on, he seemed less and less interested in me. The nicer I was, the more he took me for granted. He was part of a college group and regularly went away for weekends with them without inviting me, which I didn't think was on. He had this whole group of friends I'd never met and he wouldn't let me meet which was so suspicious. I'd see pics of him on Facebook having a great time with these people while I was sitting in on my own. Anytime I objected to this he acted like I was a bunny boiler.

He went abroad for a few weeks and during that time, stayed with a female friend without even asking me if I was ok with it. I know he wasn't his minder, but I think when you're in a relationship, you should talk about this stuff! I was especially uncomfortable cos I knew this girl had sent flirty texts and left flirty messages on Facebook. When he came back from his trip, I had the feeling he'd cheated, so I asked him 4-5 times, answer always no. He actually made me feel awful for asking and not trusting him. I actually apologised for being such a crazy bunner boiler!!

3-4 weeks later, I find out he HAD cheated on me and his reaction is anger towards me for snooping and then tears, because he'd been found out. To this day I still don't think he understands the hurt he caused me and the effect he's had on me.

I dumped him that day. He said he was sorry and that he would remain single for a while, as jumping from one relationship to another had messed him up. Well true to form, a few weeks later, he starts going out with a girl from his college society and this totally crushed me. I'm still in bits over that - not that I wanted to get back with him, but I thought he might actually have taken some notice of what I'd said. Nope. It really hurts me that he learned from the horrible stuff he did to me and is now really nice to her, it doesn't seem fair. I know that's illogical. Anyway, I started seeing a guy myself not long after, a good friend, and while I'm very happy with him, all the stuff from my previous relationship is going around in my head. I used to be so easygoing and now I'm paranoid, checking his facebook, asking who he was with, not trusting him enough. I know if I carry on I'll destroy this relationship but my head has been totally wrecked by this ex. I just can't believe someone could treat me like that, and I'm so afraid the same will happen, it's hard to open up.

Sorry if this makes no sense but I have to get it out!

Sorry to hear that.


In short, I'd say tO you in a few short words, get out and waves your Flags and enjoy the present and love yourself. This is the only way you will get through this process. It's a learning curve and a lesson to love and value yourself more.


You are hurt becuase you doubted your own self.

The Sweeper

Take a very very deep breath:

And as you let it out, try to realise that you don't need him to feel bad so that you can feel okay.

There are plenty of morons like your ex-boyfriend, and they are expert manipulators, liars, and control freaks. They'll keep you off balance and you'll find you get sucked in completely.

You want him to not date because you want to see some indication that he feels bad for what he did to you - and if he feels bad, that'll reinforce it 100% in your mind that you were in the right and he was an arsehole.

You don't need ANYTHING from him to know that - as mysterious says above, you doubted your own self. Believe in yourself - that man is not a measure of the person you are, and you don't need his approval or his sorrow to justify yourself.

Learn your lesson, and move on.

antiskeptic

Unregistered wrote: »

To cut a long story short...

Ditto.

Cut him out. He's not mature, he's selfish, he may work it out for himself oneday. In the meantime, he's only going to do damage. I know - I was that man (and am still working on it)

Move on. Remember bits that told you what love is and remember the bits that told you what love isn't. Then forget the rest.

estar

this guy losing interest in you was a lucky break as you were doing a very bad job of representing yourself, standing up for yourself, and therefore would probably have stayed playing his little - lets see what she will put up with next game for the next twenty years.

were you always this passive or did you just really like him or something? you still sound really passive in your email. if this was me, i would hope i would be checking myself into a local hospital for a catscan to see had i suffered some head trauma i hadnt noticed - and could this explain why i had swopped my self respect dignity and pride for a chance to be walked on by a neandrethal.

dont go out with anyone else - even on a date unless you spend at least a few months with a good therapist trying to understand why you didnt dump him the first time he walked all over you in public.

rather than being gutted by him going out with someone else, why arent you gutted you let yourself down so badly.

why arent you worried that you love yourself so little that you would let another person dictate double standards for you, tell you what to say and how to behave and what to think?

is this how you think relationships should work? stop thinking about him and start focusing on yourself.

i feel so sorry for you that you dont value yourself more.

Creamy Goodness

delete him from facebook, bebo, <insert_socnet_site_here>

delete his number.

have fun with your new relationship, life is too bloody short.

you don't need to associate yourself with an asshole.

LegacyUser

estar I find your post very judgemental. If I posted all the details it would be 10 pages long.

estar wrote: »

this guy losing interest in you was a lucky break as you were doing a very bad job of representing yourself, standing up for yourself, and therefore would probably have stayed playing his little - lets see what she will put up with next game for the next twenty years.

were you always this passive or did you just really like him or something? you still sound really passive in your email. if this was me, i would hope i would be checking myself into a local hospital for a catscan to see had i suffered some head trauma i hadnt noticed - and could this explain why i had swopped my self respect dignity and pride for a chance to be walked on by a neandrethal.

Of course I stood up for myself!! Which meant there was a lot of stress and fights. I was not the kind of person he seemed to be used to, I'm not a doormat. The trouble was every time I challenged him, he had a reason, he had an excuse, he ALWAYS found it a way to make it my fault. As I said, he was a great boyfriend in lots of ways as well and most of the time I'd rather have been with him than not with him. I see now that I should have ended it much sooner but it's very easy to look back and say that. Of course I considered ending it every time he disrespected me, but it was always counteracted in my head by something nice he'd done. He picked me up from work every night on foot (worked late nights in an industrial estate in the middle of nowhere), we went out for drinks and dinner all the time, he put me up when I lost my job suddenly, he surprised me with a trip abroad to see a favourite band. Why would I have wanted to give up all that? VERY easy to criticise as an outsider but not so clear when you're in the situation.

dont go out with anyone else - even on a date unless you spend at least a few months with a good therapist trying to understand why you didnt dump him the first time he walked all over you in public.

I don't need a therapist, I know why. I knew at the time and tried to ignore it. I'd been single for ages, absolutely sick of it and I had this handsome, charming, high achieving boyfriend who for the most part was great company and had a few flaws, as I saw it at the time. I was well aware that he started to really take the piss in the last few months and I confronted him about it all the time, giving him ultimatums. But this kind of person always finds a way to manipulate you, to make you feel that you're being unreasonable. It's very hard not to be sucked in by someone who looks you in the eye and swears they love you and would never hurt you. I'm a strong person in general and don't suffer fools gladly, but it's a VERY powerful spell. You come away doubting yourself, thinking maybe you ARE unreasonable, especially when friends and family seem to agree with the boyfriend when you try to establish if his behaviour is normal. You start to think maybe you SHOULD just trust him more, that he wouldn't have spent two years with you if he didn't love you, all that.

Good for you that you've never been in this situation - hindsight is amazing, isn't it? But for future reference, it's hard to dump someone who largely treats you well for what at the time seem like little, trivial things.

rather than being gutted by him going out with someone else, why arent you gutted you let yourself down so badly.

If you bothered to read my post, you'd see that I AM bothered about that. Him going out with someone else is just a reminder of that.

why arent you worried that you love yourself so little that you would let another person dictate double standards for you, tell you what to say and how to behave and what to think?

I didn't 'let' him. I challenged him all the time, I told him his ideas were silly and outdated. He just never seemed to take that in, his ideas were too far engrained in his brain. I told him I wasn't going to change for him and by and large I didn't. But sometimes he did seem to have a point - a lot of people dislike women swearing and being crude so I didn't feel it was entirely abnormal he'd ask me not to do it. I thought it wouldn't do me any harm to be a bit more ladylike, after all my parents and girlfriends said the same thing, so why was it so unreasonable of him to say it? It's all relative as well - one of my best mates boyfriends 'told' her to stop drinking and that she wasn't 'allowed' to wear miniskirts, which I obviously found ridiculous - in comparison my boyfriend didn't seem that unreasonable.

is this how you think relationships should work? stop thinking about him and start focusing on yourself.

No, I don't. Every time we had a fight I knew it wasn't healthy or right. But there was a great attraction there and so every time I ended up forgiving him. Towards the end I knew I wouldn't be with him much longer, but I'd rather have been with him than not with him. I knew it was stupid but I couldn't turn off my feelings.

i feel so sorry for you that you dont value yourself more.

I feel sorry for you that you think you're so infallible. We ALL make mistakes and have lapses in judgement. I never thought I'd end up with anyone in any way abusive - I was never the type of girl who NEEDED a boyfriend, I was single through all of college, was very picky, rather single than with a jerk etc, but I fell under this guy's spell. These people are very, very good at eroding your self esteem, bit by bit. Everyone else thinks they're lovely, so you start to think you're the crazy one, that maybe they have a point.

I told the ex exactly how I felt multiple times and he always seemed so hurt and shocked that I would see him in that way. To be honest, I think that's genuine. I don't think he has any idea, he thinks he was a great boyfriend and we had a great time together. He chooses to focus on all the positives and bury the negatives as I used to. He genuinely thinks we just weren't compatible as opposed to him treated me terribly. He still thinks it was as much my fault as his, that I'm argumentative and confrontational, that I treated him badly. I know he doesn't get it.

estar

im sorry you didnt like what i had to say, and if it was a little harsh, as that might have put you off the point i was trying to make.

Anyway, I started seeing a guy myself not long after, a good friend, and while I'm very happy with him, all the stuff from my previous relationship is going around in my head. I used to be so easygoing and now I'm paranoid, checking his facebook, asking who he was with, not trusting him enough. I know if I carry on I'll destroy this relationship but my head has been totally wrecked by this ex. I just can't believe someone could treat me like that, and I'm so afraid the same will happen, it's hard to open up.

im sorry - but this is still affecting your life. everyone in the world makes mistakes. but i am reacting to your post and asking you to really look hard at the situation and rather than just saying - oh bad man, saying - what is it in me that put up with this. thats the learning point, that is the place to start with in controlling your fear and paranoia. if you had taken a break to examine the old relationship and the fall out perhaps you wouldnt now be faced with the paranoia and the lack of trust. rather than saying, i cant believe someone could treat me like that, say - i cant believe how i could let myself be treated like that, and think about that. thats what you had control over. arguing and trying to change someone only gets you small progress. if you have such disparate values with someone - that they believe they have the right to dictate to a partner to a level that includes the interpretation of the past (virginity) - while you believe in being free and strong - then perhaps this is a learning point for the future. look for someone with common values.

mostly we dont have much control of the outside world. but we do have control over how we react to it.

and im by no means infallible. we all have weaknesses. but the only way for you to get over the fear of it happening again is to understand and learn about why it happened in the first place.

there is no point in checking facebook, and patrolling your current boyfriend. in fact its quite unfair. rather than taking away the issues you acquired from your ex and dealing with them on your own, you are projecting them onto him.

so my advice is seek therapy. there isnt anything wrong with therapy. in fact its great as you take the burden of an issue away from your social circle and deal with it, leaving you free to enjoy those around you in a free-er way.

and i wish you the best of luck and hope that you find relief and that your current relationship becomes something you enjoy freely, because this is really possible for you if you face the past.

jellie

id agree with estar to a point.. but to put it in a gentler way, you dont seem to be over your relationship with your ex. he messed you about & played with your head by the sounds of it. but you need to deal with all this. give yourself some time to get over it all before jumping into something new.

and while I'm very happy with him, all the stuff from my previous relationship is going around in my head

while this is still happening youre probably not ready for a new relationship.

nesbitt

People get sucked into controlling & abusive relationships gradually... Of course there are the good times, the charm, the hols etc. but then there is the hidden other side to the deal. A common trait seems to be the ability of an abusive partner to convince the other person that they are somehow to blame. Many different types of person can find themself in an 'abusive' relationship but the point is to admit to yourself that enough is enough.

The OP did this and is now out the other side, however of course some emotional baggage is being carried. I would advise talking to a close friend/family member about this. Please learn from this and do not go down this path again.

LegacyUser

I know you feel. i think that i am in a similar situation but not sure at the same time. I cant figure out if he's stupid or just too calculating... i got pregnant unfortunately and spent 3 months in hospital to give y beautiful daughter the best chance in life healthwise. All that time DNA test was demanded but i was angry and hurt but was made give it. i found out he had been seeing a girl when i was in hos and i forgave it. Now he makes me feel bad that i cant ubderstand why he goes on the booze for days.. its my fault and i always have to end up saying sorry.. i'm stuck still with it and feel like leaving the country with my daughter.

Aloysius Flyte

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't need a therapist, I know why. I knew at the time and tried to ignore it. two years with you if he didn't love you, all that.

Good for you that you've never been in this situation - hindsight is amazing, isn't it? But for future reference, it's hard to dump someone who largely treats you well for what at the time seem like little, trivial things.

If you bothered to read my post, you'd see that I AM bothered about that. Him going out with someone else is just a reminder of that.

I didn't 'let' him. I challenged him all the time, I told him his ideas were silly and outdated. He just never seemed to take that in, his ideas were too far engrained in his brain. I told him I wasn't going to change for him and by and large I didn't. But sometimes he did seem to have a point - a lot of people dislike women swearing and being crude so I didn't feel it was entirely abnormal he'd ask me not to do it. I thought it wouldn't do me any harm to be a bit more ladylike, after all my parents and girlfriends said the same thing, so why was it so unreasonable of him to say it? It's all relative as well - one of my best mates boyfriends 'told' her to stop drinking and that she wasn't 'allowed' to wear miniskirts, which I obviously found ridiculous - in comparison my boyfriend didn't seem that unreasonable.

No, I don't. Every time we had a fight I knew it wasn't healthy or right. But there was a great attraction there and so every time I ended up forgiving him. Towards the end I knew I wouldn't be with him much longer, but I'd rather have been with him than not with him. I knew it was stupid but I couldn't turn off my feelings.

I feel sorry for you that you think you're so infallible. We ALL make mistakes and have lapses in judgement. I never thought I'd end up with anyone in any way abusive - I was never the type of girl who NEEDED a boyfriend, I was single through all of college, was very picky, rather single than with a jerk etc, but I fell under this guy's spell. These people are very, very good at eroding your self esteem, bit by bit. Everyone else thinks they're lovely, so you start to think you're the crazy one, that maybe they have a point.

I told the ex exactly how I felt multiple times and he always seemed so hurt and shocked that I would see him in that way. To be honest, I think that's genuine. I don't think he has any idea, he thinks he was a great boyfriend and we had a great time together. He chooses to focus on all the positives and bury the negatives as I used to. He genuinely thinks we just weren't compatible as opposed to him treated me terribly. He still thinks it was as much my fault as his, that I'm argumentative and confrontational, that I treated him badly. I know he doesn't get it.

My goodness what a defensive response! You have quite a victim mentality don't you . Not your fault it happened eh? And it appears that you look down on people who it has happened to and you couldn't be one of Those People (shock horror)

The thing is, it is partially your fault,as it is your ex's fault. He's an asshole, but you let him treat you like that. So why did you let him? Cos he was charming, rich, intelligent - ie people admired you when you were with him? You'd been single for a long time and now suddenly you'd a boyfriend who bought you nice things, so you can show off to your friends? Seems to me what other people think of you is more important to you than your own self-respect.

For that reason, I think you do need therapy, but I'm of the opinion that most people could do with it. There's no shame in going to therapy you know, its something to be admired.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

... a few weeks later, he starts going out with a girl from his college society and this totally crushed me. I'm still in bits over that - not that I wanted to get back with him, but I thought he might actually have taken some notice of what I'd said. Nope. It really hurts me that he learned from the horrible stuff he did to me and is now really nice to her, it doesn't seem fair. I know that's illogical.

Why would you think he's learned anything from you? Why would you expect him to? Why would you CARE?? You have no idea what's going on in that relationship, maybe he's found the nice, submissive girl of his dreams, simple as.

Unregistered wrote: »

... I started seeing a guy myself not long after, a good friend, and while I'm very happy with him, all the stuff from my previous relationship is going around in my head. I used to be so easygoing and now I'm paranoid, checking his facebook, asking who he was with, not trusting him enough. I know if I carry on I'll destroy this relationship but my head has been totally wrecked by this ex. I just can't believe someone could treat me like that, and I'm so afraid the same will happen, it's hard to open up.

The important thing is to concentrate on your current relationship as you DO appear to have learned some (bad) stuff from your last one. I know it's been fairly rammed home already but it's true, people treat you the way you expect to be treated and I wonder if you're defensive about this point because you can't quite believe you let him away with some of the things that went on.

Let it all go, start again and get back to the easygoing person you were.

barbiegirl

Hey stop being so hard on the OP. Anyone can find themselves in a relationship like this. I know I did, and to meet me now you'd say no way. No matter how controlling and horrible he was the OP invested time and love in the guy and now she is crushed.
I look back on my past and wonder why I didn't dump an ex of mine the first time he told me what not to wear or pulled a jealous freak attack cause I spoke to someone from school. But like the OP eventually I copped on.
OP put him to your past. It's not easy especially if you have to run into him often. View anyone he dates with pity cause you know what he is like. If you need to remind yourself, write it down, and refer to it whenever you feel nostalgic.
The past is past. Learn the lesson. Never let anyone control you. You are you, now grow strong and appreciate yourself. take some time out from guys if that is what you need, or have some fun. Either way don't let him control your future like he did your past.
Good luck and please learn that he had the problem not you.

Aloysius Flyte

Aloysius Flyte wrote: »

My goodness what a defensive response! You have quite a victim mentality don't you . Not your fault it happened eh? And it appears that you look down on people who it has happened to and you couldn't be one of Those People (shock horror)

The thing is, it is partially your fault,as it is your ex's fault. He's an asshole, but you let him treat you like that. So why did you let him? Cos he was charming, rich, intelligent - ie people admired you when you were with him? You'd been single for a long time and now suddenly you'd a boyfriend who bought you nice things, so you can show off to your friends? Seems to me what other people think of you is more important to you than your own self-respect.

For that reason, I think you do need therapy, but I'm of the opinion that most people could do with it. There's no shame in going to therapy you know, its something to be admired.

I cannot stand your mentality. You seem to have absolutely no understanding of this issue. Especially this:

Cos he was charming, rich, intelligent - ie people admired you when you were with him? You'd been single for a long time and now suddenly you'd a boyfriend who bought you nice things, so you can show off to your friends? Seems to me what other people think of you is more important to you than your own self-respect.

That is total projection. Where on earth did the OP indicate she cared what other people thought of her when she was with him? Don't you think the fact he was charming and intelligent to HER was reason enough? Where on earth did she say he bought her nice things to show off to her friends? There's no mention of friends other than that he embarrassed her in front of them by making a scene at an event. There's no indication he spoiled her with material things. There's no indication that she felt she had a 'status' when she was with him. Don't you think having a nice boyfriend you can do fun things with is enough to someone who'd been single for a while and maybe feeling a bit lonely? The fact you read so much into what wasn't there says more about you, tbh.

The OP admitted she got sucked into an abusive relationship and eventually put an end to it. Of COURSE the ex must take some blame, and I think she already seems to blame herself more than enough for putting up with it! There are many, many people who can NEVER get out, who put up with all the cheating and abuse because they think they don't have an option or they're in love with the person.

My relationship was my ex was pretty similar to what OP described - at the time I didn't see it as abusive but it's frankly scary how much someone can wear you down, little by little. You can be the most well adjusted, strong person in the world, and still get sucked in. Yes, it's SO easy to look back and say 'WTF was I thinking?', but when everyone around you is saying how great your boyfriend is, you really do start to think you must be the one with the problem. You think maybe he has a point, maybe you ARE annoying, maybe you ARE too possessive. You don't need to be some needy, pathetic creature with no self esteem and a victim mentality like you seem to be suggesting. I really believe it can happen to most, if not all people, once.

In a way I'm glad I was with this guy because it taught me what I DON'T want in a relationship. We had some wonderful times and I've never met anyone since I had the same chemistry with, but it was all too stressful and destructive. The fact I DID stand up for myself all the time was what caused so many fights. He's seeing another girl now who's really quiet and submissive - maybe that will work out great for them. Maybe she won't give him a reason to blow up all the time. Who knows. I don't really care. I'm just glad I didn't waste any more time on that relationship because all the drama just wasn't for me.

estar

blame doesnt work though. its a natural response to blame and feel angry. however the fact of the matter is that she chose to go out with someone that didnt make her feel good about herself. and yes, hindsight is great. because it allows you

1. to prevent making the same mistake again which we can only do through an honest evaluation of what happened, why we got so lost in a relationship that wasnt good for us, continued it despite humiliation and despite what our common sense would probably dictate.

2. how we can stop it leaking into our present life

and these two points are really the only relevant ones imho.

the op should honestly reflect on the choices she made so she can negotiate her way through life without compromising so much on herself that she ends up really upset.

so she can blame the op for the entire thing, continue to focus on him, the fact he moved on so quickly and seems to be happy or she can focus on why this bothers her so much when she has a new boyfriend of her own, and why she gave so much of herself, more than it would appear he did, as he is relatively unscathed, and has taken the approach that they just didnt get on and thats that. and then bearing that in mind, she can decide what she wants from her next relationship, and what she doesnt, that she wants someone that brings the best out in her, makes her happy, is happy when she is happy, wants her to be free and independant, rather than having to focus on what the man wants, needs them to be, dictates to them.

a relationship is like a good dress. you shoud wear it, it shouldnt wear you. it should enhance your best features, you shouldnt have to rearrange your entire body to get into it.

rather than focus on the ex and what he has and has not (how do you even know these things - ask not to be updated, and cut him out of your life for the foreseeable, its easy to be curious, but avoid the urge to track what happens in this life at any cost, its preventing you moving on) focus on what you have

- a deeper understanding of what makes you happy and not happy
- more life experience
- a new boyfriend.