Bizzare Shyness Problem

LegacyUser

I have a bizarre problem.

I'm 31, in a good professional job. Have good friends and am fairly outgoing when out with them. When I meet new people I can be quite outgoing when I am in a group I am comfortable with, but on my own, or in a work situation I guess I come across as a bore.

Romantically I am a disaster. I have never had a girlfriend. I'm not bad looking, but again shyness has lead to this becoming a more difficult problem to resolve. I am most definitely not socially inept and girls would see me as relatively good looking, sincere, and safe but maybe not boyfriend material. I did fall for a good friend of mine recently, and think there may have been a spark there. She is now seeing somebody else. I'm quiet gutted because I didn't have the courage for so long to do something about it. I do know that I would make a good partner for somebody and would love to meet someone special and chersih them as well as have fun and the support that goes with a relationship.

Not only that I seem to comparmentalise different areas of my life. I do not speak about details of my friends with family - I don't want to for some strange reason. They would not know names, details etc of friends. Same with work scenario - its like i'm almost embarassed to tell details of family, friends - as if somebody is going to criticise me, embarass me, judge me? And my family are nothing but supportive of me, and they would not do any of these things. I can't reason for it.

Don't know if its an anxiety thing, a nerves issue, or just an insecurity. i know I need to cop on but any advise would be appreciated as to how to get over it and confront it.

Kevster

Hi,

My advice to you is to try to open up more about everything in your life. If you ever saw the film 'Yes Man' (Jim Carrey), then I think you should think back over it and transpose it to your own life. Picture yourself as an impentrable object right now, into which nobody can get. What you must do is unravel yourself and let everyone see you for who you are. This can simply involve talking more about you - and you alone - to people. As the people around you learn more things about you, they will grow to like/love you more, and strong relationships will develop.

From there, I think that you will be surprised at how things progress.

Take care,
Kevin

dreamlogic

Be careful what you tell yourself and don't lump all girls into one category!
If you meet a girl and think to yourself she probably won't see me as boyfriend material, then you will probably act accordingly..

As to your confidence/shyness issue I don't know if this will help, but for me I have found that if I have some kind of (irrational) fear surrounding something, I can get through it better if I ask myself what is the very worst thing that could happen here? Even relive this worst case scenario in your head beforehand. Often you find that what is preventing you from doing something is a fear of the unknown, something that might be buried in the subconscious that perhaps senses danger, but it is an out-of-date fear and is holding you back in the present. If you can explore it(the current situation facing you) and make the fear known to yourself it then has less power over you. I know that you didn't specifically mention the word fear. But many of these concepts seem to be interrelated - shyness, confidence, fear...

As for compartmentalizing, I tend to do this a bit too. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with it(I could be wrong about this) unless it leads to extreme behaviour such as going out of your way to hide certain aspects of your life.
When it comes to criticizing/judging it is often the case that we're our own worst critic!

LegacyUser

Practically everything the OP said has chimed with me. I feel the way you describe and act in many of the same ways also. Even down to the compartmentalisation part of it, which id never consciously related to the other problems before.

Do you have the same experience where you have these isolated groups of friends, who have never been introduced to eachother, or if they do know eachother it isnt due to your actions?

Ive always kind of been that way, but lately ive been feeling really depressed. Im becoming more and more isolated from everyone I know.