A niggling problem...

LegacyUser

Just looking for a little advice. I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, we're both 22. Met in college and started going out. We've had our problems over the years but they were small in the grand scheme of things. For the past year things have been amazing, things have clicked into place and we're both really happy. We both feel so comfortable with each other, the plan is to move in together when we're both finished with our degrees this June. We've seen each other through some tough times, he means the world to me and is the most supportive and amazing boyfriend.

There's just one problem that keeps reoccurring throughout the few years. When we met, I'd had previously had one serious relationship so obviously had sex, as well as a couple of experiences throughout college. I was his first proper girlfriend and so he hadn't. It wasn't a problem for me, obviously he was a little nervous or whatever but it was great, and we spent the first year having sex at every possible opportunity. It was adventurous sex, literally anywhere and everywhere. I've always had a slightly higher sex drive than most people and I like trying new things so we had great fun the first year!

However, over the last few years a bit of a pattern had developed. When we're having sex regularly, everything is fine. However if we get out of the pattern of doing it, then it just disappears for a while. He seems to go through phases all the time where he just has NO interest in sex at all. It happens quite frequently these days. He'll come up with a new and ridiculous excuse all the time, ranging from being tired or sick or worried someone will overhear, to "oh we'll do it later baby, I want to get a good few hours alone for a serious session".

I'm not sure how to handle it anymore. I've tried leaving it and seeing will he come back around out of the slump on his own because I don't want to pressure him, but it doesn't work. I've tried spicing things up when we are having sex in case that's what's getting to him, but that hasn't had an effect. I thought maybe we'd just gotten too comfortable, so I tried sending him sexy messages and that. I did all that on the quiet and not too obviously because I didn't want to bombard him! We're a couple that can talk about anything so eventually I brought it up. He just reckons that it's been circumstance that we're not having sex and that he doesn't mean it at all.

I'm beginning to realise that he either just doesn't want me, or he has a very low sex drive. It's my confidence that is taking the brunt of it at the moment though. I don't doubt for a second that he loves me, but the constant rejection, as well as feeling as wanted as a head cold isn't helping. I've always been a sexual person and feeling wanted and sexy gives me a spark that I'm just missing now.

This isn't just about me wanting sex or making it more important than my relationship. I couldn't care less about how much everyone is doing it as long as both him and me are happy. It's just that I love him and I'm a physical person. I see him and I just want him, it's about expressing just how much I love him. We're so close after we have sex, it's just a healthy part of a relationship. The longer it goes when we're not having sex, we just seem to drift a little bit farther apart and the resentment grows up in the middle.

Does anyone have any advice? I love my boyfriend, he's amazing and my best friend. We're very close and touchy feely so I know it's not that we've fallen out of love or that. When we are having sex it's amazing. But I don't know how to keep going with this pattern. It's always reoccuring, so even when we're good it's in the back of my mind. We've tried talking and making changes but it comes back around again. I really don't want us to break up, neither does he, but how do we work at making things better? I know everyone will say talk to him and I will and have, but I just need to get some ideas or possible course of action together in my head first because I really don't want to make him insecure or anything about this.

kmart6

Have you asked him why he seems to lose interest?!

LegacyUser

Yeah, I have. He says some of the time he is generally tired and then when we get out of the pattern it just seems to keep heading that way. He loves sex with me, it's just that there's times that his sex drive just plummets and he doesn't know why.

LegacyUser

OP, I obviously don't know the intimate details of your relationship. But I think I can relate to your bf's situation. I have the same problem, I love my OH to bits, but sometimes my sex drive just disappears entirely, which is particularly problematic because her sex drive is much higher than mine to begin with. It's definitely not her, I don't know how I could possibly love or desire her any more, our sex life is brilliant when it does happen. I get so very frustrated when my sex drive dies, but there's nothing that I can do to change it. It hurts me so much to see her disappointed when I'm not ready to play, especially because I know that she tries hard to get me going and questions herself if 'she doesn't manage'. It's not her fault ffs!

Anyway, my point, besides feeling sorry for myself is that you shouldn't doubt yourself, or his love for you because of this problem.

From what I have read, it can be down to a variety of reasons. Bad food, lots of stress, too little exercise, ... if he feels as frustrated as I do, he should make an appt with his GP, I think. I will make one with mine next week. Thanks for the thread OP.

bluecell99

You do realise that couples rarely continue the frequency forever?it is common after meeting and starting the relationship to have a lot of sex as you described above.But it tends to reduce as time goes by and most couples are happy with this and it doesnt affect them as a couple.

If it is a frequency thing and if you are still doing it and enjoying it then you will have to compromise on your needs.Its doubtful if they will always be this high.

If however he is making excuses all the time and seems to have no interest then you may indeed have a problem.But if he still wants to and nothing else has change except he may not be interested all the time then you have to accept it.There is no magic solution to make sex drives the same.

one thing is for sure and thats if you pester and make this an all consuming issue then he most certainly wont be interested.All you can do step back a little and see if the spontanaiety can return.Allow him become more of the initiator.