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My family have no trust in me and my boyfriend

  • 25-04-2009 11:25am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 38


    Hey Guys...

    I'd appreciate some help. Here's my situation: myself and my lovely boyfriend have been going out together now nearly 3 years. We're both 20. We planned to go on a sun holiday this summer to get away and relax. Last year we went on seperate holidays and basically hated it.

    So all was going to plan....until I told my mother. Now I knew she wouldnt like the idea because shes fairly conservative, but she hit the roof and put a downright ban on it. We've never given her any reason not to trust us and always abide by her rules etc.

    She's basically called a downright halt to the holiday. Its really p-ing me off as I am nearly finished my college degree, am 20 years old, have never been any cause of trouble and think I should be treated with a bit more trust??

    I think the problem is made worse by my older siblings, both early 30s. Theres that big age gap, and basically its like having a few mothers rather that one mother and 2 sisters. They completly agreed with my mother saying it wasn't acceptable for me to go on holidays with him. This is not because they are against it from any other point of view other than Im simply too young as both of them frequently head off with thier own boyfriends.

    I'd love some opinions because the whole thing is really stressing me out!!!!


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 809 ✭✭✭Terodil


    sarsarsar wrote: »
    We've never given her any reason not to trust us and always abide by her rules etc.

    She's basically called a downright halt to the holiday. Its really p-ing me off as I am nearly finished my college degree, am 20 years old, have never been any cause of trouble and think I should be treated with a bit more trust?

    tbh this seems very strange to me. Have you talked to them in quiet moment and tried to understand *why* exactly they don't want you to go on a joint holiday? If it was just your mum opposing it I would have put it down to the 'overprotective hen' syndrome but with your two sisters and her in agreement there must be something wrong. Nowadays (I hope) the argument that you're 20 and too young for it can't be a stand-alone argument, I get the feeling that it's just something they say to mask their real concerns.

    So in short: need more info.

    For the talk I'd make a point of being very calm and rational about it. Ask them exactly what their problem is, as your age cannot possibly be the core of the matter. If they aren't forthcoming, I would suggest you tell them in no uncertain terms that you respect their opinions and advice, but unless they come up with a better reason for you not going, you cannot follow their train of thought and that you will go on the holiday. Ultimately it's your decision and yours alone, at 20 fefs...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 172 ✭✭Hester


    You're 20 - why do you need your mother's permission to go on holiday? I assume you and your boyfriend would be paying for it!

    Are you living at home? Is she paying your way through college?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 26 thescruff


    what are they afraid of?
    Answer the followinq q's....
    1 will the bf murder u......y/n

    2 will the bf rape u.........y/n

    3 will u enjoy urself on ur own......y/n

    4 will the bf enjoy his holiday on his own.....y/n

    5 will the sun stop shining because u holidayed togrther...y/n

    if you answered yes to any of the above, join the nuns!

    you might have sex, heavens forbid!!
    Get a life mate, move out or in with the bf.
    Defo go on holiday with the bf, break the hold now and tell the twisted sisters to get their nose out of ur biz.
    If you dont do it now that hold will never be broken.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,303 ✭✭✭sexmag


    your 20 years old,tell them to grow up,let you be an adult and mind there own business,your an adult in the eyes of the law so do what you want anyway!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,794 ✭✭✭JC 2K3


    You're 20, you're an adult...

    Expecting you not to be having sex is bad enough, tbh.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,639 ✭✭✭PeakOutput


    just do it they will get over it

    you gotta live your own life


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 38 sarsarsar


    Thanks guys....

    Ya I'm living at home thats what makes it so hard to just f*** off and go on the holiday. She's paying my way through college, although I will be paying for the holiday myself. I've asked her like ye said what exactly is her issue....and her response is "its simply not suitable" and walks away refusing to discuss it further.

    I know im gonna have to just put the foot down because we really want this holiday. grrrrr so frustrated!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,639 ✭✭✭PeakOutput


    sarsarsar wrote: »
    Thanks guys....

    Ya I'm living at home thats what makes it so hard to just f*** off and go on the holiday. She's paying my way through college, although I will be paying for the holiday myself. I've asked her like ye said what exactly is her issue....and her response is "its simply not suitable" and walks away refusing to discuss it further.

    I know im gonna have to just put the foot down because we really want this holiday. grrrrr so frustrated!!

    ask her whats not suitable if she walks away follow her and ask again tell her if she refuses to explain her issues your refuse to acknowledge her objection

    but either way go on holidays for god sake


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,440 ✭✭✭✭Piste


    Just go on the holiday, unless she's paying for it or you're goingto a family holiday home there's nothing she can do.

    If she threatens not to pay for college or give you money throughout the year, tell her that you won't go on holidays with him, but go anyway and say you're off with friends.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Move out. Get a job. Go on the holiday.

    Mommy needs to cop on- you're not ten.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    sarsarsar wrote: »
    Thanks guys....

    Ya I'm living at home thats what makes it so hard to just f*** off and go on the holiday. She's paying my way through college, although I will be paying for the holiday myself. I've asked her like ye said what exactly is her issue....and her response is "its simply not suitable" and walks away refusing to discuss it further.

    I know im gonna have to just put the foot down because we really want this holiday. grrrrr so frustrated!!
    I wouldn't blame you for forcing the issue here. You're making it sound as though she's embarrassed to say she does not wanting you two having sex or something.
    Before you go back to your mum for round two though consider trying to dig out the logic from your siblings first. Im lucky in that my siblings usually have very refreshing and different perspectives on the family that I can look to when I need to figure someone out. Try asking them from the perspective of their lives at 20.

    How long until you complete college exactly?

    Another thing you might consider is holding off on the holiday (presumably abroad) and take a more local holiday somewheres else on the island.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 259 ✭✭bluecell99


    Ask her again what the problem is and if she walks away just ask her how do you respect her opinion when you dont even know what it is.

    It's time to make that final leap into adulthood.Tell your Mother that you respect her and appreciate her but you have to make your own decision's.

    My guess is when she see's you are perfectly capable of living your own life she will come round and realise that her little girl has grown up.

    Go on your holiday and enjoy every minute .


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 38 sarsarsar


    Guys, thank you so much.

    I'm after taking yer advice, made her give me her reasons, turned out she doesnt want me to risk getting pregnant basically which is pretty stupid in this day and age if you're copped on! I also told her I did not want to fight, but would be putting my foot down on this issue and that I was going.

    Result?? Well she has said she knows she can't tell me what to do...but is still going around in a huff at me. I guess she'll get over it like ye said. Also told her I wouldn't be taking any sh1t from the sisters.

    Thanks for yer help, it gave me some courage in putting the foot down!!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 86,729 ✭✭✭✭Overheal


    good on ya.

    If you didn't already, she might feel better if you had a conversation about safe sex practices. Parents automatically assume their children have no idea wtf theyre doing :) might be wise to show that you do.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 320 ✭✭*Honey*


    sarsarsar wrote: »
    Guys, thank you so much.

    I'm after taking yer advice, made her give me her reasons, turned out she doesnt want me to risk getting pregnant basically which is pretty stupid in this day and age if you're copped on! I also told her I did not want to fight, but would be putting my foot down on this issue and that I was going.

    Result?? Well she has said she knows she can't tell me what to do...but is still going around in a huff at me. I guess she'll get over it like ye said. Also told her I wouldn't be taking any sh1t from the sisters.

    Thanks for yer help, it gave me some courage in putting the foot down!!

    Sometimes parents have as much growing up to do as they're kids....

    She's being a protective hen ... which is understandable to an extent given you have been her baby for so long. It's hard on her to realise you really are all grown up. She'll get used to it... and she'll get over it. You and the BF need the holiday so go and enjoy it and buy her a pressie over there to tell her you were thinking about her.

    Enjoy!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    sarsarsar wrote: »
    I'm after taking yer advice, made her give me her reasons, turned out she doesnt want me to risk getting pregnant basically which is pretty stupid in this day and age if you're copped on!

    That's such a stupid reason, if you're sleeping together anyway, well you don't need to go on holiday to risk getting pregnant, there's a risk of getting pregnant if you decide not to go on holiday as well ...! That's ridiculous! That's the craziest excuse I have ever heard lol. Go on holiday, I'm sure you'll be sensible, have fun, be safe and let your mom and sisters to their little drama.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 26,280 ✭✭✭✭Eric Cartman


    good to see you put the foot down, but i really recommend you move out op , sounds like my mother there, i moved out and its the best thing i ever did .

    also id hate to see what your mother would do if you actually got pregnant


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 38 sarsarsar


    Thanks again. I would love to move out but unfortunately cant afford to so it really is my only option to stay here and let her mother me. Anyone willing to fund that for me?:rolleyes:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭upmeath


    Fair play OP, you did the right thing. No point letting them tether you down into your twenties because they won't want to let you go til you're thirty then. I'm not an advocate of domestics or broken homes but I think parents really need to give their kids a bit of breathing room once they hit 18/19, take their opinions on board and respect their rights.


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