Will anyone ever love me?

LegacyUser

Jesus what a self indulgent title. But in summary, this is exactly how I feel.

I see couples madly in love all around me, how they look out for each other and care for each others' well being, and I continuously go to bed feeling like no one will ever really love me for ME, no matter what. Bar my family...my mother I guess. It's sort of her duty.

I am pretty much a closed shop when it comes to romantic love, I'm a 24 year old female and have never really experienced it and wouldn't know what to do with it if it even came along. Whenever I'm out, any interest I get I always assume is based on how I look and because I have no confidence in that, I just tend to assume the guy in question is out for the 'ride' and my level of attractiveness is the only factor at play.

I've just come back from a work night out, with a guy I've worked closely with over the last few years who I have a high level of respect for and who I admired greatly and he has a girlfriend who he is very close with. Watching them closely, I felt such a twinge of envy. How do you connect with someone beyond a physical level? I don't think I ever truly have and I don't know how to change. This work colleague, he's a bit older than me and he treats me with the utmost respect, he converses with me and expresses an interest in my life in a way that guys on a night out generally don't seem to (standard I guess...guys on the pull will behave like guys on the pull), and it's leaving me feeling like I'll never meet an available guy like this who will be interested in me for ME like this...and not what I have going on in physicallly.

To be honest, I probably have trust issues in that I never put myself 'out there' and always find a reason to retreat...('need to lose weight', 'need to feel better in myself' etc) but I'm at the point now where I feel like a closed shop and pretty much a hopeless case who can't find a man to love me and be a part of my life, despite the fact that I have so much to offer. What the hell is wrong with me?

Agent J

This is going to sound like the corniest response ever but i've found it to be true so i dont care how it sounds.

You have to love youself first. If you don't then you cannot expect anyone else to.

I've always found that relationships then you happen when you are actually happy in your life because well being happy is apparently attractive.

Why not work on yourself for a bit? Take up an interest couse, new hobby or something which will expand in your social circle and interests... It has the advantage of doing something you want for fun and increases the number of people in your life.

username123

Agent J wrote: »

You have to love youself first. If you don't then you cannot expect anyone else to.

Thats exactly what I was going to say so I will join you in the corny corner.

Anyway its true. Low self esteem manifests itself in subtle ways to others and when people pick up the vibe that the person doesnt love themselves then its a big leap to make for them to start loving that person first.

Self happiness makes others around you want to be with you - share in a bit of that good vibe etc...

So cant agree more with AgentJs post - work on yourself, improve your self esteem, start loving who you are and when you meet new people that will radiate out to them and give you a much better chance at finding someone to love you.

Terodil

Self-confidence is a part, maybe an important part, but by no means the panacea to the problem the OP describes.

To be honest OP, I have been in your shoes, exactly the same shoes, longer than you. I'd never felt real love, gone through a few bouts of terrible loneliness, but I hadn't want to toss myself 'out there' either. I always thought that when I said 'I love you', I wanted it to mean everything, and not just be an empty phrase for some lukewarm feeling of attraction.

Then one day, at 28, it suddenly went 'wham!'. I didn't really get much choice in the matter, I just had to say these words for fear of bursting and I've never meant anything more in my life.

I dunno if this serves as advice. I just thought that you should know that you are not alone. True love is something special, not something that you can just pick up on the doorstep. It takes a lot of time, opportunity and luck to find. Don't despair because you haven't found it at 24. You have so many of your best years still ahead of you.

When I was in your shoes I got all sorts of advice like 'don't seal yourself in, you need to meet girls to find the one' etc., in the end they didn't do anything. It was a huge stroke of luck that did it for me, nothing else. I'm not saying they aren't important, all I'm saying is that luck plays a massive role in this too.

And all this said... you shouldn't fall into the trap of focusing too much on this whole issue. I know that it's hard not to, at times. But if you go at it in a more relaxed manner, if you are happy by yourself too, then you will probably have a much easier time both living and (!) finding a potential partner.

Good luck.

poindexter

what goes around comes around.
even if you find it hard to love yourself, love your surroundings, everything that is going on around you, appreciate all the simple things that normally pass you by. the world will see this and love will come your way, and you will love it.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Im sure loads of other girls can relate to this one,

Yep loving yourself first is the way, a saying i often think about is... there is nothing more attractive than a strong confident woman,

I am actually about to celebrate my 13 yr anniversary with my BF, we were childhood sweethearts we are very very close because we have no Families i really missed a mother and fathers love in a similar way to you- i used to ask who loves me in the world?


Anyway we both have worked really hard on our relationship but it only got better when we worked on ourselves and learned to love ourselves more,

Something that has really changed my world is the book the Secret, it might be a bit corney for some but it gave me the guidance i needed, If you get a vision board together where you describe as specific as you can the perfect guy for you,

the reason we dont have the things we want is because we have never taken the time to actually ask ourselves what we want, it is really amazing that if you can get very clear in your head exactly what you want you have a better chance of attracting it into your life.


I have recently used this to loose weight and change my negative patterns around that, i have images of women loosing weight and exercising as well up on a poster i look at every day, i have managed to loose half a stone in the last few weeks, and i am regularly exercising where i couldnt do anything for 3 years before,

I started planting the seed about loosing weight and it is finally happening because my thinking has changed,

Heres a tip, write out every day, I have a wonderful new loving supportive boyfriend!

Watch that man come into your life!!!!

Overheal

Love Thyself tbh.

Know thyself too.

These trust and confidence issues you have need to be acknowledged. In a relationship it may leave you quite vulnerable to suggestion - you might find a guy and fancy the pants off him then because you're too afraid to lose him you become the submissive barbie then all of a sudden he learns to take advantage of you. It happens, and you're at the highest risk when you have lower self-esteem.

So in a way those trust issues have actually protected you up to now.

I wouldn't worry about getting into a relationship for a while. Put those thoughts away somewhere for a while and in the mean time regard yourself like a Complete Single Woman and not an incomplete fish out of water that needs its other half in order to function. I think you'll find that after you've developed your identity a bit more clearly that you will appear that much more attractive to others.

LegacyUser

It's amazing how much sense you can make when you're absolutely hammered!! I've just read back over that post and it all sparks of truth, though to be honest posts like that are not necessarily the kind of thing I'd do sober!

Just to clarify, I have an amazing family who I am very close with and fantastic friends, so I never feel 'unloved', I'm just facing a stumbling block with my love life because of my confidence issues.

I'm one of those permanently single ladies, and while I once was perfectly OK with that, for whatever reason I'm at the stage in my life when I suddenly am not. Social pressures, for one, and just downright loneliness, for another.

Anyway thanks for all the replies, I've found them insightful. This confidence thing is definitely something I need to knock on the head, and it is rooted in issues I had as a teenager but it's at the point where it's ruining my life and I need to start appreciating who I am again. It just seems like such a feat. How exactly do you just start to love yourself, after years of self hating and self doubting?

You're quite right, Overheal. My issues could really impact a future relationship and I've never really thought of it that way. I've never thought as far into it as to imagine what kind of girlfriend I'd be, but I think so lowly of myself at times that it's hardly conceivable I'd be capable of a healthy and happy relationship.

You're right that my trust issues have been self protecting, but it's like there's this mental block there - the idea of completely opening up to someone and making myself vulnerable terrifies the crap out of me! And that means I permanently feel like I'm sitting on the sidelines, watching couples get together and feeling like the girl that no-one notices. (Bit dramatic, maybe...?!?)

It's sort of like being in a comfortable rut. It gets lonely in here!!!

Soul Stretcher

I think one of life's greatest tricks is to fool us into thinking we are all special snowflakes... like no else feels, has ever felt, as low/unloved/lonely/(insert negative feeling) as we do..... we're the first humans to feel like this... there is no "fix"...we don't see a way out.... so that must mean we're gonna feel like this forever.

The only constant is change.

Sometimes we feel good, sometimes we feel bad. It's natural. Thank God we have a wide range of feelings.

What I'm trying to say is that you a distortion in your thinking which is telling you you're going to be single for ever. Which makes your miserable. You feel lonely now and so have projected that lonely feeling onto your view of your future.

It IS really hard to be open to fact that you or I have NO idea of what we will be doing/who we will be with in 5 years time.... even to take for granted that we won't be 6 foot under is a risk !!

All I can say is try to divorce yourself from these temporary negative feelings and replace them with positive ones. And try to open your mind.

FYI - I am a single man with similar issues - so this is not me giving you advice from "the other side" of singledom... it's just what I'm trying to do...:)

LegacyUser

OP, I could have written your post except I am 30 and wish I felt this way then so I could have tried to deal with it when I was younger. It's very hard isn't it as I don't know what I can do to change my circumstances. I definitely have self esteem issues but do like myself... It's like I was afraid of boys and relationships when a teenager-that was for other people, not me. But now when I want to meet someone so badly I can't turn off that feeling of "he's only interested in one thing". Sorry for hijacking your thread but reading yours totally made sense to me. I just don't know how to change. I don't care what anyone says it's cr*p being constantly single and especially at 30-being aware of this when I was 24 may have helped me. So good on you!

wylo

Sorry a bit off topic but it might help
To the people with the "he's only interested in one thing" attitude, Im not sure where it stemmed from , it could have been a life experience, or it could be from watching too many movies, but I can assure you most guys do not think like that.

If a guy likes a girl its quite the opposite actually, and until you get that out of your heads you will find it difficult to meet and thrust guys

mysterious

Unregistered wrote: »

Jesus what a self indulgent title. But in summary, this is exactly how I feel.

I see couples madly in love all around me, how they look out for each other and care for each others' well being, and I continuously go to bed feeling like no one will ever really love me for ME, no matter what. Bar my family...my mother I guess. It's sort of her duty.

I am pretty much a closed shop when it comes to romantic love, I'm a 24 year old female and have never really experienced it and wouldn't know what to do with it if it even came along. Whenever I'm out, any interest I get I always assume is based on how I look and because I have no confidence in that, I just tend to assume the guy in question is out for the 'ride' and my level of attractiveness is the only factor at play.

I've just come back from a work night out, with a guy I've worked closely with over the last few years who I have a high level of respect for and who I admired greatly and he has a girlfriend who he is very close with. Watching them closely, I felt such a twinge of envy. How do you connect with someone beyond a physical level? I don't think I ever truly have and I don't know how to change. This work colleague, he's a bit older than me and he treats me with the utmost respect, he converses with me and expresses an interest in my life in a way that guys on a night out generally don't seem to (standard I guess...guys on the pull will behave like guys on the pull), and it's leaving me feeling like I'll never meet an available guy like this who will be interested in me for ME like this...and not what I have going on in physicallly.

To be honest, I probably have trust issues in that I never put myself 'out there' and always find a reason to retreat...('need to lose weight', 'need to feel better in myself' etc) but I'm at the point now where I feel like a closed shop and pretty much a hopeless case who can't find a man to love me and be a part of my life, despite the fact that I have so much to offer. What the hell is wrong with me?

loving yourself is the key, each of have to face this test. none can gove you the love you need if you donr love your self unconditionally.


all people around is aspects of you, only wishing to join with you on an experience

self honesty, self forgiveness. Once it radiates out from you.

Your world will shine back to you.