I know I am being an idiot, but please help.

LegacyUser

OK before I start, as the threads title suggests I KNOW I am being an idiot, I KNOW it, I just cant seem to stop thinking this way, and its driving me insane...

So I have been with my partner for 12 years now, we have a daughter together, bought a house together and are completely in love, I love her more now than ever, we are, and I know it sounds corny, but we are soul mates.

When we met we just more or less moved in together and have never been apart since, we didnt discuss it, it just happened, we both knew it was the right thing to do, and it has always been like that.

So whats the problem you ask? well, and I feel a total moron saying this, but anyway, she hadnt had a boyfriend at all when we met, but she had, had 9 one night stands over the coarse of 2 years, she got pregnant the first time she had sex, also a one night stand, had an abortion, then went on and had 8 more.

Just cant get my head round it, I cant picture her pulling some random bloke she never met and taking him home and having sex with him, not just the once but 9 times including getting pregnant.

Thats just NOT the woman I know and love, it just seems so out of character, I dont know I cant really put my finger on exactly what it is thats upsetting me, but I just cant get it off my mind.

When we met I was a virgin at 19, OK I know thats kind of unusual, but I wanted to have sex with someone I cared for and cared for me, not necessarily with a view to getting married etc, but with a girlfriend I had known awhile or whatever, not just some complete stranger I met in the pub.

I dont think I would have a problem with one or two, but nine just seems like alot to me, and also the fact she obviously didnt use protection as well, it just kind of gets to me.

The thing is, she told me all this when we got together, and it did bother me a little at the start, but I quickly got over it and moved on, but my daughter picked up one of my partners old photo albums and it had a picture of her with a guy she had slept with in New Zealand when she traveled around the world and for whatever reason its just set my brain into overdrive about all her old one night stands.

Now I know what youre all going to say, I'm being unfair, I'm being an idiot, its in the past forget it, what is happeneing now is important not in the past etc etc, I know all this, but I STILL cant get it out of my head, its pretty much all I have thought about for nearly two weeks now and is driving me nuts.

My partner knows something is wrong, but when I have tried to mention anything about her past she just closes up and pretty much wont discuss it, saying she doesnt ever think about it, it was just drunken sex, didnt mean anything, hell she had her first ever orgasm with me when we first got together, she hadnt even masturbated!

I'm a complete idiot, I really am, but I need help getting over this, please help me, I have a wonderfull partner, an amazing child, nice house, everything I could ever wish for, and cant get over this, whats wrong with me?

Please help me.

LegacyUser

Hi OP
ok i think the majority of people are going to say.....its her past, you love her for who she is now etc,....and to be honest id agree with this.
i was with my ex for over 2 years, i had one partner beofre him and he couldnt understand how i could have slept with someone who didnt mean something special to me. now im not saying your controlling or jealous but my ex was, i felt so guility, and looking back i had no reason to be. so fast forward a while and we break up, i was so relieved, and i went a bit crazy i had 9 one night stands, (used protection every time) i needed to get it out of my system, go a bit crazy etc, im not saying its the right way to do things and if you knew me you would not think for a second that i ever had even 1, one nite stand.
im currently with my nw bf for over a year, i love him to bits, i know the men i had one night stands with could never match up to him, i think because i had these 1 night stands its hepled me realise what real love is, what it is like to be loved and how special it is.
at times i feel bad and when i think of what i did i sometimes cannot believe it was me, it seems like an outter body experience, but its formed the person that i am. my bf has never asked me about my past and ive never told him, im not sure how he'd feel but i know i would be honest about it. the truth of the matter is that i believe he hasnt asked me and visa versa because im not interested in his sexual past, i love the person he is, if his sexual past has helped form him into that person so be it. im far more concerned with our present and our future.
everyone does things they are not entirely happy about, im sure you've done things as well, you love this women, you've been with her 12 years this alone should verify for you that she is not some tramp, she obviously loves you, she is the mother of your child, her past is her past, try and put these thoughts behind you, or at least except her past.

ellie1

My partner knows something is wrong, but when I have tried to mention anything about her past she just closes up and pretty much wont discuss it,

It might be the case where she regrets her past behaviour, maybe she met loads of men and couldnt find the right one till you, given the fact she never masturbated they may well have been drunken mistakes. This may be why she doesnt want to talk about it. I know it seems like there is a lot but over two years when she was young ...

I feel you need to share your feelings with her. ask her to share that time with you and not intimate sexual details but her feelings around it.

Also focus on the life you have now. You love her and she loves you. This is part of the person she was. People change so much as they get older in opinions, attitudes, behaviour. She has and you have and from your post you seem like a greatcouple.

Hope you work it all out.

Stheno

Eftwyrd wrote: »

Just cant get my head round it, I cant picture her pulling some random bloke she never met and taking him home and having sex with him, not just the once but 9 times including getting pregnant.

Thats just NOT the woman I know and love, it just seems so out of character, I dont know I cant really put my finger on exactly what it is thats upsetting me, but I just cant get it off my mind.

When we met I was a virgin at 19, OK I know thats kind of unusual, but I wanted to have sex with someone I cared for and cared for me, not necessarily with a view to getting married etc, but with a girlfriend I had known awhile or whatever, not just some complete stranger I met in the pub.

I dont think I would have a problem with one or two, but nine just seems like alot to me, and also the fact she obviously didnt use protection as well, it just kind of gets to me.

The thing is, she told me all this when we got together, and it did bother me a little at the start, but I quickly got over it and moved on, but my daughter picked up one of my partners old photo albums and it had a picture of her with a guy she had slept with in New Zealand when she traveled around the world and for whatever reason its just set my brain into overdrive about all her old one night stands.

Now I know what youre all going to say, I'm being unfair, I'm being an idiot, its in the past forget it, what is happeneing now is important not in the past etc etc, I know all this, but I STILL cant get it out of my head, its pretty much all I have thought about for nearly two weeks now and is driving me nuts.
My partner knows something is wrong, but when I have tried to mention anything about her past she just closes up and pretty much wont discuss it, saying she doesnt ever think about it, it was just drunken sex, didnt mean anything, hell she had her first ever orgasm with me when we first got together, she hadnt even masturbated!

I'm a complete idiot, I really am, but I need help getting over this, please help me, I have a wonderfull partner, an amazing child, nice house, everything I could ever wish for, and cant get over this, whats wrong with me?

Please help me.

Ref the part in bold I agree with you, it does strike me that the fact it's bothering you twelve years after you knew about it is a bit strange, have you had any other stress lately?

Also have you ever really talked to your partner about this? I.e. if she told you what she did tell you, have you ever sat down and kind of worked out why she did it, and how you feel about it?

As for what's wrong with you, apart from the above, is it possible that it's just very very difficult for you to reconcile the (what appears to be) very fulfilling life that you have at home with your partners past? Are you worried she might cheat on you?

CDfm

You need to talk to someone about this.You like your life so thats a plus.

Maybe you should go to your GP and have a chat and they may think you need to go for councelling or something.

Then after that you can go back to being a guy

LegacyUser

nouggatti wrote: »

Ref the part in bold I agree with you, it does strike me that the fact it's bothering you twelve years after you knew about it is a bit strange, have you had any other stress lately?

Also have you ever really talked to your partner about this? I.e. if she told you what she did tell you, have you ever sat down and kind of worked out why she did it, and how you feel about it?

As for what's wrong with you, apart from the above, is it possible that it's just very very difficult for you to reconcile the (what appears to be) very fulfilling life that you have at home with your partners past? Are you worried she might cheat on you?

Not really had any undue stress lately, I just saw a picture of her with a guy I knew she had a one night stand with, and since then its just goine round and round and round etc in my head, and seem unable to break the cycle.

And no, never sat down and discussed it, she isnt that open with her feelings in a vocal way, she really has problems sharing things like that, and I have never pushed her as I dont want to hurt her at all, plus I feel like a moron having this issue so long down the line.

As for cheating, no way, I trust her 100%, same both ways, she just wouldnt cheat, our relationship is, want for a better word, perfect, just cant get these thoughts out of my head, I guess I cant understand how something like sex that in my opinion, and in my heart feel should be something shared between two people who care for one another can just be given away to a complete stranger you never met before, and will not see again.

Thanks alot for the replys guys n gals, especialy the lady who responded explaining how she fealt about the one nighters she had.

Anyone else with any advice please feel free to chip in, I mean there is no way I could leave her or anything like that, but I really need to sort these feelings out.

Terodil

CDfm wrote: »

Then after that you can go back to being a guy

I don't think this is fair or productive.

A lot of men suffer from the inability to put thoughts into words and to communicate their feelings. The OP, however, does so quite well. He has a problem that he is actively trying to solve. He knows it's on his side, he has reflected several aspects of it and is calling for help because he cannot go on without outside advice. There's no need to demean him, at all. Or does your phrase mean that you want him to transform into the 'hurgh, I'm a man, I don't feel pain' cliche?

Anyway, OP: I think you have already gone most of the way, to be honest. You already know which way you want and need to go -- you need to accept (not forget/ignore!) her past and recognise that it's something that you have both left behind.

Ignoring won't work here, that's what you've done in the past and that's why it's coming up again now. I agree with a preposter that something must have happened, outside of your relationship, most probably, to bring it back now -- some general stress at work, fears, ... You can only sort this once and for all if you come to conscious terms with it and accept her fully for what she is.

This is where I disagree with the 'her past is her past, not your business' brigade; yes, her past turned her into what she is today. It's part of her. If you really want to love her, you need to accept her as she is today, as a whole, including her past. Simply leaving out certain unpleasant aspects will leave your love vulnerable. Time or malicious people may feed the doubts that you suppress and, essentially, be the tiny crack that makes the entire relationship fall apart. It's what has happened now, somehow you latched on to this crack and it's threatening you two. The effects are visible already as she can tell that you are feeling off.

What you need to do, IMO, is understand and accept that we all go through stages in our lives. Indeed, as one preposter said, we all have lighter and darker phases, and black spots that we prefer to rather not be reminded of. Perhaps it would be a worthwhile exercise for you to sit down and list the stuff you did, in the past, that you're not happy about. While you are at that, you should also write down (!) all the stuff that you love about your partner, like you did in this thread. Then write down next to it what is bothering you currently and why. You will see that the stuff you love about her is much greater than the small defects that she has -- that we all have.

Then ask yourself what the real problem is, why your mind is playing these tricks on you. Is it simply that you cannot reconcile it with your picture of her? If so, you need to understand that even she has her darker sides within her, in one way or another. I don't want to say that it's the 'spice in the soup', but it's what makes us human. Look at the list of your own defects. She loves you, knowing all these defects and respecting you for who you are.

Is it that you fear that she might cheat on you? Have you given her any reason to (i.e. does your relationship get stale, for example?) -- if so, then you need to realise that the problem is not her past, but your current behaviour together. Your subconscious is noticing this and connecting it to the fear that you've always suppressed, and plays on it. Spice it up, do crazy stuff, take a mental time trip back to the first year that you were together.

And ultimately you also need to realise that, judging by your post, she has never shown any intention to go back to that darker phase in her life. Be happy with her, know that she is human, and love her for the whole person that she is.

Gosh, this has turned into a wall of text, but I hope it helps. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Terodil wrote: »

I don't think this is fair or productive.

A lot of men suffer from the inability to put thoughts into words and to communicate their feelings. The OP, however, does so quite well. He has a problem that he is actively trying to solve. He knows it's on his side, he has reflected several aspects of it and is calling for help because he cannot go on without outside advice. There's no need to demean him, at all. Or does your phrase mean that you want him to transform into the 'hurgh, I'm a man, I don't feel pain' cliche?

Anyway, OP: I think you have already gone most of the way, to be honest. You already know which way you want and need to go -- you need to accept (not forget/ignore!) her past and recognise that it's something that you have both left behind.

Ignoring won't work here, that's what you've done in the past and that's why it's coming up again now. I agree with a preposter that something must have happened, outside of your relationship, most probably, to bring it back now -- some general stress at work, fears, ... You can only sort this once and for all if you come to conscious terms with it and accept her fully for what she is.

This is where I disagree with the 'her past is her past, not your business' brigade; yes, her past turned her into what she is today. It's part of her. If you really want to love her, you need to accept her as she is today, as a whole, including her past. Simply leaving out certain unpleasant aspects will leave your love vulnerable. Time or malicious people may feed the doubts that you suppress and, essentially, be the tiny crack that makes the entire relationship fall apart. It's what has happened now, somehow you latched on to this crack and it's threatening you two. The effects are visible already as she can tell that you are feeling off.

What you need to do, IMO, is understand and accept that we all go through stages in our lives. Indeed, as one preposter said, we all have lighter and darker phases, and black spots that we prefer to rather not be reminded of. Perhaps it would be a worthwhile exercise for you to sit down and list the stuff you did, in the past, that you're not happy about. While you are at that, you should also write down (!) all the stuff that you love about your partner, like you did in this thread. Then write down next to it what is bothering you currently and why. You will see that the stuff you love about her is much greater than the small defects that she has -- that we all have.

Then ask yourself what the real problem is, why your mind is playing these tricks on you. Is it simply that you cannot reconcile it with your picture of her? If so, you need to understand that even she has her darker sides within her, in one way or another. I don't want to say that it's the 'spice in the soup', but it's what makes us human. Look at the list of your own defects. She loves you, knowing all these defects and respecting you for who you are.

Is it that you fear that she might cheat on you? Have you given her any reason to (i.e. does your relationship get stale, for example?) -- if so, then you need to realise that the problem is not her past, but your current behaviour together. Your subconscious is noticing this and connecting it to the fear that you've always suppressed, and plays on it. Spice it up, do crazy stuff, take a mental time trip back to the first year that you were together.

And ultimately you also need to realise that, judging by your post, she has never shown any intention to go back to that darker phase in her life. Be happy with her, know that she is human, and love her for the whole person that she is.

Gosh, this has turned into a wall of text, but I hope it helps. Good luck.

Wow, great post, almost exactly what I needed to read, thankyou.

The only thing that has really changed is having our daughter two years ago, and since then it has been hard work, and we havnt made time for ourselves as a couple its all about our daughter, so I think this may well be the root cause, I dont know.

Once again, many thanks, alot of food for thought, do you thinbk it would be worthwhile to try and sit down with her and try and sort it out, or should I keap it to myself? I dont want to hurt her and I know it hurts for her to talk about it, but one thing she did say a long time ago was she never thinks about her past ever, and it upsets her when she does because she knows it upsets me.

Also she is terrible at that kind of thing, sitting down and discussing her feelings are fairly alien to her, she lost her brother when she was 12 years old and it effected her very badly so now she just seems to bury any bad feelings, she will come have a cuddle and cry about something if its upsetting her, but she would be unable to actualy SAY whats wrong.

Thanks alot everyone, once again any more advice is more than welcome.

LegacyUser

i think that if this is affecting you as much as you say, then you maybe you should try talking to her about it, it may hurt her, but its currently hurting you as well.
alot of people dont like talking about their past, maybe bringing up the issue of her one night stands will bring up memories of the abortion, which is a tramatic experience for any women to go through.
im not saying shes lying to you, but unless she has an emotional block on her past(something that happens when you go through a rough/tramatic experience) everyone thinks about their past every so often. maybe shes afraid to talk about it because she dosnt want to deal with the emotions it will bring up.
however if you do broch the subject, obviously do so in a caring way, reassuring her that you love her etc but maybe ask her was there anything esle going on in her life at that time that made her have all the one night stands, i know there was for me.
maybe ask her to get rid of the picture she has of the guy she has the one night stand with, i think that is only reasonable, i would not be happy if my bf had pictures of an ex of his lying around the house to be honest,its something you dont need to see.

carolmon

Hi OP
Well judging by the number of threads on this issue lately you are not alone (funny how it's always the men worried about their girlfriends one nighters, just goes to show the old double standard is still alive and kicking in Ireland)

hmmmmm where to start??

Well the good thing is you realise that you are jeopardising your present happiness with these thoughts.

You admit that you are in a really great relationship with a loving faithful partner and child, that's a really good place to be OP and lots of people never achieve what you have now, so don't blow it by feeding these thoughts.

The more energy and time you give these thoughts the bigger a problem you are creating for yourself, you're just feeding negativity by focussing on an aspect of your girlfriend's character that she can do nothing about.... ie it's the past and there's not a lot she can do to change it!


All you can do is make your peace with it and focus on the good things you have now.

I don't know your partner so what I'm going to say could be way off the mark, but there's a couple of points you mention in your post that got me thinking.

You said your girlfriend had lost a brother at a young age, and that she has difficulty opening up emotionally.

Maybe these factors made it difficult for her to form a more traditional boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship?
Maybe she subconsciously decided not to get close to somebody emotionally for fear of losing them?

Maybe it was easier for her to have a sex life that was less of an emotional risk?

Emotional intimacy is much more challenging for some people than sexual intimacy.

Try focussing on the fact that you are her 1st in the real sense ie her first love, her first soulmate, her co parent in the challege of bringing new life to the world.............these are much more important than a few moments of casual sex (and I don't subscribe to the theory that casual one nighters always come from a dark place, they can be fun)

I wish you luck OP don't lose sight of what you have over something that cannot be undone.
Stay positive

LegacyUser

carolmon wrote: »

Hi OP
Well judging by the number of threads on this issue lately you are not alone (funny how it's always the men worried about their girlfriends one nighters, just goes to show the old double standard is still alive and kicking in Ireland)

hmmmmm where to start??

Well the good thing is you realise that you are jeopardising your present happiness with these thoughts.

You admit that you are in a really great relationship with a loving faithful partner and child, that's a really good place to be OP and lots of people never achieve what you have now, so don't blow it by feeding these thoughts.

The more energy and time you give these thoughts the bigger a problem you are creating for yourself, you're just feeding negativity by focussing on an aspect of your girlfriend's character that she can do nothing about.... ie it's the past and there's not a lot she can do to change it!


All you can do is make your peace with it and focus on the good things you have now.

I don't know your partner so what I'm going to say could be way off the mark, but there's a couple of points you mention in your post that got me thinking.

You said your girlfriend had lost a brother at a young age, and that she has difficulty opening up emotionally.

Maybe these factors made it difficult for her to form a more traditional boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship?
Maybe she subconsciously decided not to get close to somebody emotionally for fear of losing them?

Maybe it was easier for her to have a sex life that was less of an emotional risk?

Emotional intimacy is much more challenging for some people than sexual intimacy.

Try focussing on the fact that you are her 1st in the real sense ie her first love, her first soulmate, her co parent in the challege of bringing new life to the world.............these are much more important than a few moments of casual sex (and I don't subscribe to the theory that casual one nighters always come from a dark place, they can be fun)

I wish you luck OP don't lose sight of what you have over something that cannot be undone.
Stay positive

Another good reply, thankyou.

The only thing I would pick up on with that reply is the double standard part at the beginning.

I was a virgin when I met my partner, I decided from a very early age that sex should be between two people who know and care for one another, maybe not with the aim of staying together forever, but that at least know and care for each other, not total complete strangers.

This isnt a double standard, I find a male or female having "regular" one night stands to be something I cant understand, I can understand having one or two when very drunk or something, but to make it a regular occurance I find a bit, well, wrong for want of a better word, regardless wether that is a male OR female.

There really is no double standard here.

Must say though just talking openly about this here and getting good honest replys is helping no end, a trouble shared and all that, it certainly seems to be the case here, and the more inteligent responses I am getting the more I seem to be getting over it.

Must reiterate one thing though, I fully realise this is MY issue, there really is NO chance of us splitting up, not even close, its just something that is a thorn in my side of a perfect relationship if that makes sense.

Once again thanks alot for these replys, very much appreciated.

carolmon

Hi OP
sorry if it seemed like I was picking at you, the double standard comment wasn't really aimed at you, it's just there's been a run of similar threads recently where that has been an obvious factor.
(though just as I spole today I see one posted from a female point of view)


I really hope you can move past this issue to a better place for all of you, I just wanted to try to help you realise that in all the ways that count you are so much more important to your partner than any casual encounter, you are the person she has spent twelve years of her life with, loved and had a child with.
By your own account she has been a loving and loyal person and is obviously a good mother to your child.

Try not to lose sight of that.

LegacyUser

carolmon wrote: »

Hi OP
sorry if it seemed like I was picking at you, the double standard comment wasn't really aimed at you, it's just there's been a run of similar threads recently where that has been an obvious factor.
(though just as I spole today I see one posted from a female point of view)


I really hope you can move past this issue to a better place for all of you, I just wanted to try to help you realise that in all the ways that count you are so much more important to your partner than any casual encounter, you are the person she has spent twelve years of her life with, loved and had a child with.
By your own account she has been a loving and loyal person and is obviously a good mother to your child.

Try not to lose sight of that.

Yes youre right, thanks alot for the advice, this thread has without a doubt helped me alot, thankyou everyone.

MissHoneyBun

CDfm wrote: »

you need to go for councelling or something.
Then after that you can go back to being a guy

Because guys don't have problems or get worried about things? :rolleyes:

Seriously, what a messed up, damaging thing to say. How dare you question someone's masculinity because they have the balls to admit to being worried by something. The OP came here looking for advice and it's your attitude that has caused countless men across the country to put a gun to their heads rather than talk about something. So seriously, give the 1950's macho rubbish a break.

OP everyone has a past and lots of people do things as a young person that they would never dream of as an adult. Maybe your wife was a different person back then but so what? You're in love with the person she is now, not the person she was. You need to put this in context. OP you called your wife amazing in your post -seriously, don't risk it all over her life before you, which she was entitled to have.

LegacyUser

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Because guys don't have problems or get worried about things? :rolleyes:

Seriously, what a messed up, damaging thing to say. How dare you question someone's masculinity because they have the balls to admit to being worried by something. The OP came here looking for advice and it's your attitude that has caused countless men across the country to put a gun to their heads rather than talk about something. So seriously, give the 1950's macho rubbish a break.

OP everyone has a past and lots of people do things as a young person that they would never dream of as an adult. Maybe your wife was a different person back then but so what? You're in love with the person she is now, not the person she was. You need to put this in context. OP you called your wife amazing in your post -seriously, don't risk it all over her life before you, which she was entitled to have.

Yeah you are totaly right, thats the thing though I already know all this but it still bothers me, though to be fair since this posting, and reading the replys it has calmed down alot, I am getting over it.

As for the other chaps comment, I took no offence, I have no problems with my masculinity, I'm ex military, boxed, I'm way over 6 foot tall and over 20 stone, none of which is fat, and have seen men fall to pieces and turn to drink/drugs and all sorts purely because they couldnt get over buried feelings.

I'm big enough and strong enough to be open about my feelings, something which is alot harder and in my humble opinion shows alot more strength than burying them and going down the pub to get rat arsed to forget.

Thanks again people, definately helping alot.

CDfm

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Because guys don't have problems or get worried about things? :rolleyes:

Seriously, what a messed up, damaging thing to say. How dare you question someone's masculinity because they have the balls to admit to being worried by something.

:DLOL

I dont think you get where Im coming from - seriousley Im not questioning OPs masculinity.

The OP has a relatiionship he loves and life he likes and should be happy.

Im all for OP being as happy as a sandboy and he should be. To get back there he needs to talk to someone professionally and this probably should not be his OH as it could upset her. Why do that?.

There is just one thing that bothers him. I dont think its wrong for him to discover this and grow. I also think it will help him in his relationship with his OH.

MissHoneyBun

CDfm wrote: »

:DLOL
I dont think you get where Im coming from - seriousley Im not questioning OPs masculinity.

Laugh all you want, I'm fairly amused at your backtracking myself. I usually don't bother with this kind stuff but seeing as you're so full of it then you'll love explaining what you meant by this:

CDfm wrote: »

you need to go for councelling or something.
Then after that you can go back to being a guy

Because he's obviously not being a guy with this stuff? Seriously, I'm interested.

CDfm

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Laugh all you want, I'm fairly amused at your backtracking myself. I usually don't bother with this kind stuff but seeing as you're so full of it then you'll love explaining what you meant by this:



Because he's obviously not being a guy with this stuff? Seriously, I'm interested.

According to Bill Bryson gender originally is strictly a grammatical term.Whats wrong with the OP being happy with guystuff and being in touch with his feelings.

To me its something you could focus on too much.

Dudess

OP, nine one night stands in two years is really no big deal. It's very little actually. If they felt right for her at the time, it's especially not a big deal. If she regrets them and considers them mistakes, well she was very young (I'm presuming it was between the ages of 17 and 19?) and youth is the time we do reckless things and make mistakes.
Abortion - you'd be surprised how many women have abortions.
Pregnant after first time - irresponsible yes, but better to make such a mistake when very young than at, say, 25. Then again, how do you know it wasn't an accident? Split condom - it happens, especially to teens. If so, it happens to many people, it's just unfortunate it was her first time.
Her personality seeming so unsuited to this - most people have sexual needs and may behave less than angelic on that score, even quiet and shy people. We need to lose this notion that people (especially women) who like a varied, adventurous sex life are only loud, noisy people.