I was bullied - I think its still affecting me!

LegacyUser

All,

OK here it goes - please dont be mean.

At the age of about 12 I was badly bullied in school. I mean there were very nasty girls in my school and they turned the whole class against me. I had no firends to have breaks/lunch with and they would spit on me, call me names and gererally imtimidate me. This went on for months and my parents found out (I pretended to be sick etc to stay off school so I wouldn't have to face them).

Anyway my mother spoke with oner of the girls parents (they were friends) and she made her daughter be nice to me again. This went on for a week or two and then this cow went and told everyone all the things I told her and they laughed at me about it. I then went to secondary school and I thought it would get better but this girl told loads of lies about me and made secondary school as bad. This really effected me and made me not trust anyone. I thought about taking my life back them but my family are my life and I would not leave them like that - it would have killed my parents. I am very glad now that I was strong enough not to do that.

Anyway move forward to now and I think this is still having an impact on me in so far as I have not been able ot make friends (proper friends) I still talk to the girls from school and we have nights out (the main bully comes out with us too) but I don't fully trust any of them. I am getting a lilttle better but I find I am sometimes afraid to talk or to tell them things that are bothering me.

I think this is effecting me in many ways at the moment. I am a little down from time to time. Dont get me wrong I am not depressed just a little down that I dont have any "real friends". I would love to have one or two good friends. Also I don't tend to do as well in work as I know I can becuase I think I am afraid of people talking about me (I know this is silly but part of the reason I got bullied was becuase I did really well in school). I also don't dress too well in case people talk about me (again another reason I was bullied was because the boy this girl fancied at the time asked me out - I know this is school yard stuff but I think she really got into my head).

Any suggestions on how I can get out of this rut I am in and start to feel like I deserve to look good, do well in work and not care what people say about me???

Beruthiel

Perhaps talking to a professional might help you move on?

Queen-Mise

i agree. Its after affecting you a lot. It would be good to leave all that betrayal & mistrust behind you.

Kimia

That's really awful OP i'm so sorry that happened to you.

It happens to all of us in different ways, but intensely in your situation. What you need to remember is that you're as worthy as anyone else to have good, loyal, honest and fun friends so don't settle for the girls in school just because there is noone else.

It's hard to get over but I would look for groups set up for this kind of thing (I'm sure there are some?) where people get together to talk about bullying and how it affected them and their confidence, because as we all know a nasty remark can stay with us for years.

who what when

Its easy to pity the weak but jealousy has to be earned!!!

LegacyUser

who what when wrote: »

Its easy to pity the weak but jealousy has to be earned!!!

What? Are you saying OP is weak? or it was her fault she made them jealous? Sorry I dont get this

Freethinker

I think you might be analysing your own mind too much. I mean focusing on stuff that happened in secondary school can't be healthy.

It might seem harsh but maybe it's time to just leave school behind you and focus on making your life better instead of wondering if the bullying has affected you. If you examine yourslef too much you will always get hung up on these issues.

Att-tichoo

kinda went through the same situation op, luckily for me i ended up befriending a diff group of girls who actually ended up being friends for life!!..

my advice is to cut ties with the bullies..i know this may be hard if ye have mutual friends but believe me its worth it.i know people will say why should you have to change your life and you should just ignore them but in fairness 10 years on and i still feel physically sick if i see any of my former "friends"..take your self out of the situation and allow yourself time to repair their damage

councelling will help, just to get a bit of perspective and talk it out

btw, dont EVER let these people stop you trusting others, i did this for a while and missed out because of it, you have to take risks with people but believe me, when the risks pay off you'l be grateful that you did..

good luck x

LegacyUser

Att-tichoo,

Thank you so much. You have obviously been through this too. I do physicall feel sick when I am out with her in a group. I don't really have anything to do with her and one or two of the other girls in the group are nice I just can't trust any of them while she is around.

Can I ask how you met a new set of friends? I would love to be able to do this - just one or two even that i can go from drinks, dancing, call round for tea & talk about girly stuff with.

I have a sister but she lives abroad and it's just not the same as having someone to pop round to for a glass of wine or to go shopping etc

I am determined to get past this and to make myself move on - I just need some advice on ways I could do this

Kimia

Att-tichoo wrote: »

kinda went through the same situation op, luckily for me i ended up befriending a diff group of girls who actually ended up being friends for life!!..

my advice is to cut ties with the bullies..i know this may be hard if ye have mutual friends but believe me its worth it.i know people will say why should you have to change your life and you should just ignore them but in fairness 10 years on and i still feel physically sick if i see any of my former "friends"..take your self out of the situation and allow yourself time to repair their damage

councelling will help, just to get a bit of perspective and talk it out

btw, dont EVER let these people stop you trusting others, i did this for a while and missed out because of it, you have to take risks with people but believe me, when the risks pay off you'l be grateful that you did..

good luck x

I totally agree with Attichoo. You should not be still hanging around with those girls.

YraggarY

Hi OP.

It saddens me to hear what you had to go through, and all of us have experienced bullying in some way, shape or form, so you're definitely not alone.

I would second the advice of Beruthiel in saying that you should go to a professional, but I believe that will only part-solve the problem. What I can glean from your post is that you have a problem making connections on an emotional level, and whilst a professional may be able to help you work through your problems, and lift you up, it seems as though you lack the confidence (through no fault of your own, might I add) to approach new people. And this is the point I think you may need to focus on when dealing with a professional in the field of psychology. These don't have to be expensive things either, there are plenty of voluntary organisations out there staffed by professional psychologists who offer their spare time up to help people who could otherwise not afford them. The important thing to remember is that you are never, EVER alone. There's ALWAYS somebody there that you can talk to, professional or not, and even here on Boards.ie, there are plenty of lovely people who are always more than happy to befriend and help others.

You sound like a very beautiful person, the fact that you can remain civil with all these people who gave you hell is evidence of that. However, as another poster has stated, when you do find yourself able to make new friends, I personally think you should look into cutting all ties with these people, or at least the worst ones (the main bully etc.) Just as alcoholics can sometimes fall back into their bad habits at traditionally alcohol-related events (weddings, funerals, etc.), it is also possible for people with mental and emotional discrepancies to undo the progress they've made when associating with the same people / things / situations that caused the problem in the first place.

As a last point I would mention, and I realise that some may find this a somewhat outlandish suggestion, but you could try and find a "gay best friend." I'm a heterosexual guy, and have plenty of them, and most of my female friends find they can often bercome emotionally closer with a gay man than other females. Perhaps due to the fact that women can often be competitive with each other, whereas a woman and a gay man who are best friends would rarely have reason to compete in a social sense - "I look better in this dress, you can't wear that one because its too similar to mine etc. etc." These problems disappear with gay best friends!

And just to let you know, seeing as you sound like a complete darling of a woman, you'll have no problems finding friends once you can work through your confidence issues with somebody. Absolutely none.

Best of luck OP, and if you'd like any information on the services of any professional organisations etc., if that is the route you'd like to go down, don't hesitate to register and account on here and PM me. Hell, it could even be the first step in a life-long friendship!

Take care - live life to its fullest. You only get the one chance, so make the most of it. Try not to let others get you down, and just embrace life for the beautiful thing that is.

In finality, might I suggest you take a listen to Baz Luhrmann's song "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" - the song itself is quite beautiful, and the advice in it is priceless. The advice was originally written in a column by Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune newspaper in the States, but its incredibly true to life, and it helps me when I'm down.
If you cannot find it online, you can listen to it on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EReBlwPGECs

Hope I've managed to help in some small way.

- Gary

CrazyTalk

Unregistered wrote: »

All,
the main bully comes out with us too)

That's crazy. I've been bullied in the past, and even looking at any of these people to this day makes me uncomfortable. Seriously, as others have said, stop seeing the people who treated you so badly.

CrazyTalk

Unregistered wrote: »

All,
the main bully comes out with us too)

That's crazy. I've been bullied in the past, and even looking at any of these people to this day makes me uncomfortable. Seriously, as others have said, stop seeing the people who treated you so badly.

Carsinian Thau

I think that you would benefiit from talking with a professional. Sometimes these things need a bit of work before you can get over it.

Also, if you could replace the people from your school with actual real friends, it would be for the best. They may be perfectly nice now and might actually be horrified if they knew what they had done had caused such long term harm but there is still way too much history there. It just doesn't sound very healthy.

the_syco

OP: dump the tards. Join a club, and see can you make new friends. I doubt a professional will be of any use when you are still friends with the tards. Once you levae them, you'll notice a weight off your shoulders, and I'd say the professional would be of more use then.

LegacyUser

I really feel for you. I was bullied by my boss for a number of years and I find it still affects me even now - it's really hard to get over being bullied. It remains with you in how you behave around other people and the trust you have in them. I have gotten a lot better in recent times, however something or someones actions can bring me right back to how I awful I felt when I was being bullied. You really need to stop socialising with those people and find new friends as you'll never be able to move on until you do this. I know it's hard to go out & find new friends but you'll feel so much better if you can cut off your links with the old school gang.

maxxie

**** them!! They are not friends, you need to move on and begin a new chapter of your life! You sound like a nice person, would be surprised if you found it difficult to make new friends!!

LegacyUser

Yeah i dont think something deeply rooted in the mind like this can be got over by someone saying 'get over it'

Whats happening is the voices that bullied you have now become your voice you are speaking to yourself, you have internalized your experiences, this is how bullying
works it takes hold of you.

it effects the self esteem and can give you a poor self image over yourself, your probably really self conscious of all the horrible things they told you about yourself.


You need to begin to take control of your life and love yourself better,

ever heard the saying, id prefer to be on my own than miserable over there with you.

Also you are probably finding it hard to detach from these girls because its all you know, but if you do see a therapist would would learn how to let new people into your life and raise your self esteem,

After everything you have gone through you deserve the absolute best, dont settle for anything less OP,

I have been through this before and recovered very well, I stood up to my bullies, i did leave myself friendless for a while but you let new experiences come your way when you get rid of the old.

The challenge for me was believing in myself and my truth, your opinion is the only one that matters in the end of the day, the circle of friends you currently have are a dot in the universe there is so many lovely kind people out there you just have to attract that now.



I found therapy great myself, Good luck OP! the best revenge is to overcome their remarks and be happy!

Acacia

Hi OP,

I know what you're going through to an extent. I was bullied on and off through school ( like you, I was very good in school- some people can't handle those that are intelligent, it seems:)), though thankfully I had a few close friends to confide in, which made the situation much more bearable.

Quite frankly, I don't know why you're still in contact with the girl(s) who treated you so badly. I know it's hard to let go of your mutual friends, but seeing the person who made you feel so bad every time you go for a night out (which is meant to be fun) must be horrible. I know I couldn't stand seeing the girls who were horrible to me regularly (not because they intimidate me, I simply don't want to waste my life with people who are sad pathetic low lifes- as bullies usually are!)

Are you in college or work , OP? If so, try and get more involved with activities / groups there. Just try and meet some new people so you're not depending on the old group of girls for your social life. You can still have your mutual friends, just don't rely on them so much, so you can spend time with real friends that you chat with and hang out with, and most importantly, trust.

Best of luck, OP. Not being cheesy, but you do sound like a lovely person, don't let idiots like those bullying girls drag you down.:)

Overheal

I'm going to also have to reccomend you see a professional counselor about this. Trying to offer up a couchtime remedy would be really inadequate - This is a deep-rooted problem and it requires a professional solution.

In hindsight I'm quite glad I put my foot down as much as I did at that age. I did get bullied too but early on decided the cost of getting bullied that much was not worth the cost of just reporting it as it happened. You don't make too many friends either way but one method leaves you less scarred than the other. I'm sorry to hear that it went as far as it did in your case that you thought about suicide.

But the damage is done and you need to make sure you get the right help to recover from it.

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

LegacyUser

Op here again,

Thank you all so much for all your advice. I was afraid I was over reacting and I was thinking people would just tell me to get over it.

I have gotten over it to a certain extent in that I never speak to this girl apart from saying hi when we are out in a group together but I can see what you are all saying and I will cut my ties with her totally. I guess I could just arrange to meet the couple of girls who were not involved at all on other ocassions. They kinda know a little about it but not everything. Yes you guessed it i was afraid to tell them everything!

I answer to your questions I work full time and I have started to try to make friends with one or two of the girls in work.

Gary thank you so much for all your advice. You really touched me. I would love a gay best friend and to be honest I tend to get on better with men than with women.

I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about all of your advice and I have decided today is the first day I tackle getting over this properly. I am going to find out about speaking to someone about this and I am going to invest more time in me and my goals in life. I am going to a class in the gym this evening that lots of girls go to and I will try to make some new friends.

Wish me luck!

maxxie

well done Mrs im proud of ya :P

Good to hear you are looking to the future and moving on!

Snowie

Its worth it some one who's been in the same position as you!
It helped me a lot, it changed me in some respects, Its worth it even if it is difficult at time's... But dont be afraid on letting the folks now how your getting on...

If you do go for councilling Il make a recommendation a nice bar of chocolet afterwords and a cup of coffee or tea is well worth it... Some times topics can linger after a session, that when a pen and paper is very handy..

You're making steps to improve things for you and beleave in them.... Be strong and good luck

Swashbuckler

Fair play to you!!! Best of luck..You're about to start a great journey...

Evil-p

You go girl!

Similiar happened to me in 6th class. It caused me to have panic attacks and turned me from a bubbly girl to a very quiet girl! But in secondary i avoided all the primary school girls and made new friends who are still my friends now!

The only lasting effect from it......i can never see someone being bullied on picked on, or the weak being hurt and i will do anything I can to protect them. I don't bitch or backstab and I am a dab hand at defusing situations with my friends before they start, and I can think of worse after effects so in the long term i'm a better person for it:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP

Just wndering whether anything would have made your situation better at the time .i.e. would as much intervention as possible have helped. I think my daughter is going through the same thing and I'm wortied sick

Snowie

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

Just wndering whether anything would have made your situation better at the time .i.e. would as much intervention as possible have helped. I think my daughter is going through the same thing and I'm wortied sick

I just figured id contribute to your questions

It can help at times, can also make things worse.. Depend's on the situation...
I was bullied for a long time. At times It didn't really click all that much that I was bullied the torment violence intimidating I didn't really understand it at the time, what I would say self esteem self confidence and self worth all take a knocking, in later life i became over critical off things I said, which was due to my experience's...

How to combat these problems would maybe through martial arts can give a person self confidence etc counseling could helpthey
would'nt be a bad place to start contact the school ask them to keep an eye on her not nesecerilly say much to her, untill you have a good idea whats going on... moving schools which doesn't always help...

Its a difficult thing to combat because kids in general tend to do the opposite to what there told.... Hope things turn out better for her...

YraggarY

Unregistered wrote: »

Op here again,

Thank you all so much for all your advice. I was afraid I was over reacting and I was thinking people would just tell me to get over it.

I have gotten over it to a certain extent in that I never speak to this girl apart from saying hi when we are out in a group together but I can see what you are all saying and I will cut my ties with her totally. I guess I could just arrange to meet the couple of girls who were not involved at all on other occasions. They kinda know a little about it but not everything. Yes you guessed it i was afraid to tell them everything!

I answer to your questions I work full time and I have started to try to make friends with one or two of the girls in work.

Gary thank you so much for all your advice. You really touched me. I would love a gay best friend and to be honest I tend to get on better with men than with women.

I spent a lot of time over the weekend thinking about all of your advice and I have decided today is the first day I tackle getting over this properly. I am going to find out about speaking to someone about this and I am going to invest more time in me and my goals in life. I am going to a class in the gym this evening that lots of girls go to and I will try to make some new friends.

Wish me luck!

If ever you think you're overreacting about something, then usually (not always, but usually) you've got a very good reason for acting the way you do. If something's bothering you, don't just push it to the back of your mind, take action on it - which is something you did the second you posted your experience up here looking for advice. So big thumbs up to you!
Problems, big and small, are just that; problems. And a problem is something that can ALWAYS be worked through.

Fair play to you for taking people's advice on board too, its very easy to pass up good advice, and can sometimes be very hard to actually act on it. So not only do you have the great quality of being an open-minded person, you also clearly have the great quality of being a very strong person, which will definitely stand to you when meeting new people and forming new connections in all aspects of your life.

You honestly have no need to thank me for anything (although your appreciation is certainly appreciated ), I'm just glad I could help in some small way. Really though, its yourself you should thank, because you're the one that decided enough was enough and decided that you'd change your own situation - which I know from experience is a very, very difficult decision to make. So you're being the change that you want in your life which gives me the utmost respect for you!

I know what you mean about getting along better with the opposite sex though, I'm the very same way! Things just always seem so much simpler! :rolleyes:

I know it may sound clichéd, but today really is the first day of the rest of your life. And if you continue on the path you've set yourself on, I know for a fact that you're going to be happy beyond belief!

Tonight, when you're meeting new people, try keep in mind something that I personally consider one of the major principles of changing your own situation: that "these people aren't out to get you. Rather, they are there to get you out." They will help you leave your previous situation, and embark on a whole new journey of self-discovery. They have no idea of your history nor you theirs, so they're "clean slates" so to speak. They're new, fun, interesting, individual people, just like you, who want to make new friends and have a great time doing that!

So best of luck to you OP, enjoy life, live it to its fullest, and above all else, live it for you. Be happy. Live. Enjoy. Smile.
The road to dealing with any problem can sometimes be a rocky one, but people will now see you for the amazing, strong, beautiful person that you are.

And of course, as I mentioned before, if you want any advice on anything, numbers of people or organisations that can help, or indeed for anything at all, feel free to register an account on here and throw me a message.

Take care OP!

- Gary

Acacia

Well done, OP, best of luck,

*big hug*:)

limestonelad

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

Just wndering whether anything would have made your situation better at the time .i.e. would as much intervention as possible have helped. I think my daughter is going through the same thing and I'm wortied sick

Hi all,

I thought that I would join in on this one if y'all don't mind. Like so many others here - I experienced this first hand in primary school. I guess that I was about 10 or 11 when I first realised that what I was going through was not exactly normal and for a long time I did'nt understand. I suppose it would be fair to say that I was above average intelligence in the class and that I may have been singled out for this. I was never really into GAA and being a young fella going to a mixed school in rural Ireland; this was a pretty big deal there.

One evening, I remember it so clearly to this day (even though its 16 years ago) I sat down with my mam & dad in the kitchen and I told them everything. How miserable I was feeling, how lonely I would feel going to school in the morning, the hurt of being so alone. The bullying was sometimes physical... well I'd call being knocked into urinals physical anyway but often the hurt was emotional... things like the others making a point of leaving me until last when picking teams, only one not invited to birthday parties because I was uncool, namecalling, ridicule, etc... The marks were never physical, the only scars were emotional. I told them everything and they were so angry, angry with themselves for not seeing it; for not protecting me. I guess I was good a hiding things. They went to the principal the very next day and that's when the fun started....

That afternoon, the principal arrived into my classroom and called out my name and of all the others that were involved and brought us out to his classroom and we were all lined up and he put it to us all, what my parents had said to him in confidence, in front of all of the older kids in the school - all of 5th and 6th class; everyone looking at me. After this court Marshall we were sent back to the class room and I was made write an essay to the principal explaining in my own words what I was feeling, what I was going though, how alone I felt, how let down I was feeling after what had just happened. This was my chance to put it right. I set about it that night and handed it in the next day .... Later that afternoon the principal arrived in and proceeded to read out my essay in front of my class and the action he took was to point out all of the spelling mistakes that were in my essay and I was then told more or less to stop wasting his time, to be a man and go out and kick a ball around the field with the others and just be normal.

At the same time my parents were experiencing so family trouble a home, not marital but a combination of a lot of stuff... Financial and otherwise. They had asked to how things were going for me that evening and I hadnt the heart to bring any more grief or strain on them and I proceeded to live a lie and tell them that everything was going to be OK. The reality was so much worse as you can all imagine... I kept pretending... Not just for weeks, months and years until I reached secondary school at which point the damage was done and I guess I had left it too late. At such a formative age I was an introvert, shy, afraid of getting hurt again, zero confidence in my ability, zero self-esteem, useless socially. I was a afraid of being afraid. Don't get me wrong I had loads of friends but no one that I could open up to and I felt that I could trust no-one. It affected me so much and it's only now that I can see that. Fast forward to today; well the recent past. I've recently lost my brother two years my junior. It turns out that although he was 22 when he passed away he was being tormented by a number of lads locally until the time of his death, when one night he could no longer take the hurt or the pain and took his own life. It was only after he had passed away that I found out the real extent of it. To this day I feel so angry that I failed him, having one throught the very same things as him I feel I should have noticed it, noticed something and that maybe I could have somehow reached out to him. We were never super super close and I guess it comes back to not being able to trust, not being able to trust anyone at all. After this death, I spent so long running, burying my thoughts, afraid to grieve, afraid of what I was feeling until one day I woke and decided that I wasn't going to run any more. I'd grown so isolated and removed from myself and I though no one was noticing until that one day a friend of mine sat me down and pleaded with me to confide in him what was going through my mind and the tears started and I confided in him, twenty years of hurt. That was the best day of my life and I'm certain now that there will never be a feeling as good as that again for as long as I will live. That was about 8 months ago and since then I've been seing a really great Doctor who is helping me to get to know me, to discover who I am. It's a process, a journey that I am going through and not an easy one but I'm a different stronger person because of it. I'm angry it took so long to get here, I'm angry I had to loose someone so close to me to realize what had happened to me, I'm angry that I was robbed of the chance to enjoy the best years of my life by the principal in my primary school. He succeeded in making me believe that it was all in my head, that I was the one at fault, he was successful in silencing me for so long and for making his job easier by staying quiet.

I guess the point of my post was in response to the quote above... In my case the intervention did nothing to help... Maybe I didn't allow myself to help.. I wanted so desperately for my parents sake for everything to be normal, I let it get to far.

Things have changed for me now ... I'm feeling great about life, there are down days but I'm stronger and not afraid anymore..

Sorry for the long winded post .. To think think is only my second one:-)

CDfm

Beruthiel wrote: »

Perhaps talking to a professional might help you move on?

I know someone who has had Cognitive Behavior Therapy for this which is available in St Patricks Hospital Dublin but you would need a GP referal. Its about changing the way you percieve your past and the now.

LegacyUser

Unreg - OP here. I am so sorry to hear your daughter might be going through this right now. I am probably not the best person to advise you on this but to be honest I think intervention is a bad thing as it only makes things worse. My sister spoke to the bullies and they taunted me about getting my sister to fight my battles. Then when my mother found out she went to the school (her friend was the principal at thetime) and told them. She asked them to keep an eye on me. Like the other poster the teacher told the whole class and made a big issue out of it. I was then taunted for being the teachers favourite (you cont win).

I would suggest you speak to your daughter in a calm caring way but if she says there is nothing going on don't push her on it. She will tell you when she is ready. I would also suggest she join some club or team so she can make new friends. This is where I went wrong. Try to get her to mix with other people. I really think if she had some different friends she might have the courage to stand up to her bullies or even just ignore them and not let them bother her.

To all the rest of you thank you so much for all your encouragement. I went to the class in the gym last night. Two of the girls that go out in the group were there (I didn't know they were going) luckily they were two who were not involved in the bullying at all. During the class I realised that these two had asked me to spend time with them before and I didn't because I was afraid to trust anyone. Last night they asked me back for a cup of tea. I decided to take a leap of faith and go. It was good. We had a bit of a chat about nothing in particular. They ae going away this weekend and asked me if I would like to join them. I'm not 100% sure about this as they are friends (kind of) with the main girl. Any advice? Suggestions? Should I keep away from these girls? Should I just go and try to get to know them a bit better?

THe class was a success though. I feel much better today and I am going again tomorrow night. They girls I met last night will not be there tomorrow night so I am going to set myself the task of talking to at least one stranger tomorrow night.

LegacyUser

OP - how have you been getting on?

Have you made any new friends? I am in the same situation and any advice would be welcome

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP

Just wndering whether anything would have made your situation better at the time .i.e. would as much intervention as possible have helped. I think my daughter is going through the same thing and I'm wortied sick

move her school, a clean break is what you need

this also relates to the op get a clean break from them!
I think you find men easier to talk to simply because they dont talk behind peoples back etc. as much
I was bullied just realise how much it effected me now but Ive met lots of people, some I dont get along with others I do thats natural but no targeted exclusion from groups isnt

its made me stronger as I hate myself for not taking a stand come what may have at the time, and I wont let it happen again
I regret feeling defeated and not fighting no matter what happened at the time but maybe this is because Im a guy although Ive always been a pacifist although I could guarantee you that by flattening one fellow I could have stopped all my bullying


I can totally identify with whoever said about being brought straight back to the emotions at the time when faced with similar situations happened with a boss and I felt it come straight back

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Unreg - OP here. I am so sorry to hear your daughter might be going through this right now. I am probably not the best person to advise you on this but to be honest I think intervention is a bad thing as it only makes things worse. My sister spoke to the bullies and they taunted me about getting my sister to fight my battles. Then when my mother found out she went to the school (her friend was the principal at thetime) and told them. She asked them to keep an eye on me. Like the other poster the teacher told the whole class and made a big issue out of it. I was then taunted for being the teachers favourite (you cont win).

I would suggest you speak to your daughter in a calm caring way but if she says there is nothing going on don't push her on it. She will tell you when she is ready. I would also suggest she join some club or team so she can make new friends. This is where I went wrong. Try to get her to mix with other people. I really think if she had some different friends she might have the courage to stand up to her bullies or even just ignore them and not let them bother her.

To all the rest of you thank you so much for all your encouragement. I went to the class in the gym last night. Two of the girls that go out in the group were there (I didn't know they were going) luckily they were two who were not involved in the bullying at all. During the class I realised that these two had asked me to spend time with them before and I didn't because I was afraid to trust anyone. Last night they asked me back for a cup of tea. I decided to take a leap of faith and go. It was good. We had a bit of a chat about nothing in particular. They ae going away this weekend and asked me if I would like to join them. I'm not 100% sure about this as they are friends (kind of) with the main girl. Any advice? Suggestions? Should I keep away from these girls? Should I just go and try to get to know them a bit better?

THe class was a success though. I feel much better today and I am going again tomorrow night. They girls I met last night will not be there tomorrow night so I am going to set myself the task of talking to at least one stranger tomorrow night.

I would go with the girls. I was bullied horribly in school. It damaged me terribly and took me years to get back on track (if ever) but here I am today in my 30s with loads of friends and a very cocky attitude. It sounds like these girls like you and they weren't ever horrible to you.
As the years went on, as the other poster said, I internalised the bullies negative messages... and then realised that these messages I carried with me through life were given to me by 9-15yrs olds. I won't take a kid seriously now, so why let this stuff run my life?
I know its not really that simple... but bullies don't maintain any power in adult hood anywhere except your own mind. The kids who had such a horrible negative impact on my life are now doughty middle aged women.

These two girls you went for tea with probably never judged you as tough as you judged yourself. Go and have a good time with them.

castle

Why are you still friends with this person,you actually go out for drinks with her,many people would never see her again especially as a drinking buddy.You need to love yourself tell this bully to take a running jump .Do not drink with people you dont trust

LegacyUser

Op here again,

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I actually didn't go away for the weekend with the two girls. I just thought it was too much too soon for me but I have since gone to the gym with them and had a bottle of wine in theirs so I tihnk I am making progress.

Castles - I still see this girl out because she is friends with the group of friends from school who I have drinks with from time to time. They invite her along. I never call her/speak to her apart from on these ocassions and even then I just say hi. I have no time for this girl at all and never want to speak to her again but I think I should not have to give up my nights out with the rest of the group just because she might be there?? Maybe I should just remove myself from all of them - do you think I need to eliminate all that group?

She is also around my local area - I come from a very small town and she would be in the pubs/clubs/restaurants that I go to from time to time. I cannot never see this girl again as I live in the same area and that is where all my family are and I wont move away beacuse of it.

There are loads of people in the area that do not like this girl - she is very nasty but thinks everyone likes her and to be honest I don't think she would care if she thought people didn't. She has had physical fights with loads of people in the area. So I just think I need to ignore her and move on. I'm just trying to find out how I can move on and believe that I deserve to have friends and I guess learn how to meet and make new friends.

I guess what I am looking for is just one or two good friends - who I can talk to without worrying what they think, who can give me advice when I need it (and me them) and who I can have a laugh with and go out/stay in with. I am a very loyal person and I know when I make friends I will be an excellent one. I guess I am just looking for the same back.

Thanks again to all for the advice and help. It really means a lot to me that you ahve taken the time to help me out.