Am I being too anal?

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 12:24pm #1

I'm due my first baby in a months time and my family are so excited and can't wait to mind him/her. They keep saying "oh we'll take him over to ours for the day and let you get a rest etc"
While I am delighted with this, I don't really know how to broach the subject with them that I don't want my child in a smoky environment ie their homes.
My partner and I don't smoke and no-one is allowed to smoke in our home. I can't tell my family "oh you can take him/her anytime you like but don't smoke in your own house!
My mam wants to mind the baby full time while I work too and while it is such a lovely gesture, I really don't know how to tell her I don't want the baby to be in her home while she chain smokes. Her living room doesn't have any windows either so it's more smoky than usual.
I know they'll all think I'm being over protective and maybe I am but it's really getting me down. I don't want to hurt their feelings but I have to think of my child.
Has anyone else been in this situation and how do I deal with it?

Beruthiel · 24-04-2009 2:49pm

This is your child. I wouldn't be one bit backwards about pointing out that babies lungs are still developing and thanks for the lovely offer but junior will be going no where that people smoke or there is a smell of smoke.
This is not being anal, this is being a responsible parent. This is making sure that your child does not have to fight to breath and that they are in a clean air environment.
Anyone with an ounce of sense would get that.

Jigsaw · 24-04-2009 2:55pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

This is your child. I wouldn't be one bit backwards about pointing out that babies lungs are still developing and thanks for the lovely offer but junior will be going no where that people smoke or there is a smell of smoke.
This is not being anal, this is being a responsible parent. This is making sure that your child does not have to fight to breath and that they are in a clean air environment.
Anyone with an ounce of sense would get that.

I agree with this. Whilst I would of course maintain the position of putting the child's needs first, I think it would be best to approach the situation in a good spirit of diplomacy, for example,

What not to say - "There's no bloody chance your having my child anywhere near your house while you continue that dirty f*cking smoking"

What you should say - "Mum, that is a lovely gesture and one that I'd really like to accept but I'm just concerned about the smoking, especially in the child's early years. There has been so much scientifically proven about passive smoking and please understand that I don't want to expose the child to any risk. If you can guarantee a smoke free house then of course you can mind the child"

LegacyUser · 24-04-2009 2:56pm

I think you are right in what you feel, if you feel uncomfortable about this, then you should voice it. personally i would be the same with smoking by a baby. actually there is nobody that I know who will smoke near a baby now!

Kimia · 24-04-2009 2:59pm

I don't think you're being too anal at all and I'm a smoker!

Why don't you suggest that your mum comes over to your house when you're at work? And tell her she can't smoke around the baby, so if she needs one she'll have to have one out the back door or something.

Beruthiel · 24-04-2009 3:00pm

You could always ask your Ma to give them up for the good of her health.

Reflector · 24-04-2009 3:03pm

not at all, lay down the conditions.
It's your babies lungs which are still developing, I'm sure they wont mind after they think about it. Sure might encourage them to cut down.

AngryBadger · 24-04-2009 3:09pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

This is your child. I wouldn't be one bit backwards about pointing out that babies lungs are still developing and thanks for the lovely offer but junior will be going no where that people smoke or there is a smell of smoke.
This is not being anal, this is being a responsible parent. This is making sure that your child does not have to fight to breath and that they are in a clean air environment.
Anyone with an ounce of sense would get that.

+1

Taltos · 24-04-2009 3:12pm

Grew up in hse with 3 adults smoking 40 a day.
Now in 30s - still have difficulties with breathing - but it improved from the day I moved out.

Your child - your rules.
It might be difficult to broach but as you know your Mum you know the best way to talk to her about this.

Best of luck.

bangersandmash · 24-04-2009 3:15pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

You could always ask your Ma to give them up for the good of her health.

Seconded. OP if your mother is serious about minding your child, then asking her to give up cigarettes seems like a reasonable sacrifice for her to make. Standing your ground on this issue is likely to improve your child's health, but may also help to improve the health of your other family members.

Gone Drinking · 24-04-2009 3:18pm

If you were being too anal, you wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place!

Zingggg

strongbluebell · 24-04-2009 3:23pm

They're probably so used to living in a smoky environment that they haven't thought of the effect on the baby. Of course you can't leave the baby with them as other posters have said, but tread diplomatically too, in a few months time you'll be very anxious for a good babysitter, but have it on your terms.

Oh The Humanity · 24-04-2009 3:28pm

Not anal at all.

My friend is an inveterate smoker and so is her husband, they both smoke outside their own gaff now they have babies. Its just the done thing now.

Be straight with your family, just say when they mention taking the baby over for the day......'but how will you go a whole day without a fag, ah no Ma I wouldn't do it to you' or something like that.

Drop it into the conversation that you cant bear the thoughts of them having to sacrifice their fags for the baby. Such a shame and all but what can ye do!

Gadfly · 24-04-2009 3:36pm

You are not in the least being too anal. I gave up cigarettes years ago and one of the main reasons was my family were very young and I didn't want them inhaling the smoke. I don't allow smoking in the house either or the car.

Maybe suggest to your mum to smoke outside her house while she minds the kids.

Femelade · 24-04-2009 3:40pm

they probably already know not to smoke around a baby...surely...i mean they're adults,,,surely they know that smoke around a baby is very dangerous...
If they dont know though, which i doubt, it should definatley be pointed out to them, i'd say it in a kinda light hearted way, but in a way that would suggest that you didnt even assume that they would smoke infront of the baby. like when they bring up wanting to mind the baby again maybe say something like "oh that would be great, but you might get cold when you have to go outdoors for all the fags you smoke".

Kimia · 24-04-2009 3:46pm

Guys just to point something out which may be helpful.

I know it's the 'correct' thing to do to ask your mum to 'stop smoking for the good of her health' but to be honest, as a smoker, you're going to get her back up. At the end of the day, whether she chooses to smoke or not is her choice.

However, it's not unreasonable, in fact it's completely within your rights as a parent, to ask her to not smoke around your baby.

Don't blow it up into more than it is. She'll be cool with it. People know these days not to smoke around babies or pregnant women.

Silverfish · 24-04-2009 3:48pm

Gone Drinking, banned for a week.

MLE · 24-04-2009 4:49pm

hi Op,

I was in the exact same position when I was pregnant on my first. Both sets of grandparents smoke heavily and myself and hubby dont and didn't allow it in the house.

I had a chat with them and said that I couldnt allow smoking any where near the baby so even though they came up to visit, I don't think I brought my first child to either grandparent house until after 5 months.

When I did go to the grandparents they kept one room smoke free and smoked out the back when I had the baby ( they were very understanding but still slagged me off over it)

When I went back to work my mam looked after my baby, in my house as she is 15 mins walk away and she was happy to do that, she would go out the back for a cigerette.

I now have 2 children and my mam looks after both of them in my house when I work, she goes out the back to smoke -- the kids sometimes go out with her.

They still air the room in their house if we come to visit, and if they have a smoke in their house they go out to the kitchen while we are there.

Your family love you and even though they smoke and may not want to give up they will understand about your concerns. It does get easier when the kids are over a year as then the risk is less for SIDs.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

dudara · 24-04-2009 5:11pm

Not at all anal OP.

AS Beruthiel pointed out, your baby will be still developing (and will continue to develop for years). Smoking around a child is just sheer stupidity. Most smokers know this and will behave appropriately.

ASk your mother, if she is going to mind the child, to not smoke in one room, so one room in the house is clean and fresh for the child. She can do whatever she wants in the rest of her house.

Beruthiel · 24-04-2009 5:16pm

dudara wrote: »

She can do whatever she wants in the rest of her house.

I'm not even sure I agree with that.
I was a smoker for 14 years (gave up 10 days ago) yet I never smoked in my house.
I never liked the smell and it would have bothered the hell out of me.
Even if you were not to smoke in one room, you would still smell it.

star-pants · 24-04-2009 5:17pm

dudara wrote: »

Not at all anal OP.

AS Beruthiel pointed out, your baby will be still developing (and will continue to develop for years). Smoking around a child is just sheer stupidity. Most smokers know this and will behave appropriately.

Completely agree here. I wouldn't want anyone (family or not) smoking around my newborn if I had one.

My best friend, when she had her son, had to live with the father for a year or so. His family and himself smoked a lot, even though she tried to keep her son away from it. Even when she moved out (And even 8years later!!) they still smoke around the child(they've gotten mildly better), he's come home with a horrible smokers cough from time to time and she always has to bathe him when he comes in.

dudara · 24-04-2009 5:20pm

Beruthiel wrote: »

I'm not even sure I agree with that.
I was a smoker for 14 years (gave up 10 days ago) yet I never smoked in my house.
I never liked the smell and it would have bothered the hell out of me.
Even if you were not to smoke in one room, you would still smell it.

That is true. I've never smoked and I absolutely hate the smell of stale cigarettes. I'd actually hate to pick up my child every day and get the faint whiff of cigarettes.

Carsinian Thau · 24-04-2009 5:25pm

Not anal at all.

You're just being a responsible parent.

Congratulations on the baby btw.

StormWarrior · 24-04-2009 9:02pm

I do not think you are being anal or overprotective. You are doing your duty - looking out for the best interests of your child. I also would not allow people to smoke around my child, if I had one. Just explain to your family that they are welcome to visit and care for your child in YOUR home and that they may not smoke there because you do not want your child exposed to a serious health risk. They should understand that, and if they do not then DON'T leave your child with them, it's not worth risking the kid's health just so as not to cause a scene.

My boyfriend's best mate smoked heavily around his daughter and she now has serious athsma, which the doctor said was almost certainly caused by the smoke exposure.

Bubbles09 · 24-04-2009 9:18pm

I am the same with my two children - noone smokes around them and if they even attempt to light up I say to them would you like to ask the children do they want to inhale your second hand smoke!! :rolleyes: Which is true for me as a mother. Simply say it srtaight out to anybody who offers that's a very kind gesture but we'd prefer to keep our child out of smoky environment and not to have anyone smoke around him/her. I don't understand people who see nothing wrong with it or smoking during pregnancy..:mad:

Bubbles09 · 24-04-2009 9:20pm

Best of luck with the baby and hope you work something out with your mother about the smoking..:o

oldyouth · 24-04-2009 9:24pm

Brief history, my parents (love them to bits) are old generation rude smokers. It is our problem if we don't like it,it is the way things are etc We live in Wexford and they came down from Dublin to see 1st born grandchild.

Bottom line is that I got a look from significant other that, at age 25, it was time to stand up to said parents. I correctly agreed that any smoking had to be done in the porch, not in the house. The look they gave me was that I was henpecked and that sure it did me and my brothers no harm when they smoked around us.

I knew then that my wife was right and that I would do anything for my sons. My folks are rude smokers, but as long as they do it in their own home and they are still around for me to enjoy their love, well then each to their own

Bubbles09 · 24-04-2009 9:25pm

MLE wrote: »

hi Op,

They still air the room in their house if we come to visit, and if they have a smoke in their house they go out to the kitchen while we are there.

Smoking in another room is no good they may aswell be in the same room, have you not seen the ad on tv where the mother is in the kitchen and the child is above in bed - smoke travels..

Am I being too anal?

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