Saving my marriage

fundub2002

TWO MONTHS AGO MY WIFE SAID SHE HAD ENOUGH AND WANTED TO END 20 PLUE YEARS OF MARRIAGE SHE WAS FED UP WITH MY MOODS MY ANGER AND MY BULLYING .IT WAS AN EYEOPENER SHOCK OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS I HAD WORKED TO HARD WITH MY BUSIENSS AND NEGLECTED THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE . i HAVE SPEND THE LAST TWO MONTHS REFLECTING AND CHANGING GOING FOR COUNCELLING AND REALLY GOING BACK TO THE NICE PERSON I WAS . bUT TO NO AVAIL SHE IS NOT FOR CHANGING . MORE THAN ANYTHING I REALISE HOW MUCH I LOVE AND WHAT A BASTARD I BECAME .WE GET ON ALWAYS DID ENJOY EACH OTHERS COMANY EVEN STILL BUT SHE WANTS TO END THINGS AND WHILE I CAN UNDERSTAND HER REASONS I DO WNAT TO STAY MARRIED AND IDEAS..........

biko

Er, CAPSLOCK is on

OT: Don't try to force anything on her, isn't that the reason she left you?

prinz

None to save your marriage, sorry.Years of bullying etc., aren't going to be washed away with flowers and chocolates, or saying you've changed.
It's possible she's damaged irreparably. You dug a hole for yourself so deep you can't get out. Best to settle for being 'friends' for now, if she's even open to that, which I doubt.

Taltos

Sorry to hear this.

Family member going thru similar thing though...
From their perspective all I can suggest is that the best you can do is to let her go with her dignity and maybe some respect for the new/old you.

This might be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do, but I implore you to build on your counselling and to treat her with the utmost patience and respect now.
If she has been suffering from bullying for years all that rage might come flooding out, do not let that outpouring force you down your old paths.

Leave this with respect for each other. If your marriage is truly over then you owe it to your wife to help her rebuild her confidence and move on. The first step in that is in allowing her to make this decision for you both.

fundub2002

I APPREIATE THE ADVICE THERE I AM VERY MUCH GIVING HER SPACE I UNDERSTAND THE DAMAGE THAT HAS BEEN DONE .I DO THINK ITS A RELATIONSHIP WORTH SAVING BUT ALSO REALISE ITS HER DECISION.

biko

CAPSLOCK is still on
Are you ignoring me?

OT, what has she said? That is can never happen again? If so, you'll just have to let her go and learn from the mistakes you made.

fundub2002

we are in a place of limbo at the moment her view is its all over i am just looking for time to show that i have changed and that there is a future together .In many ways it iwould be easier to just end it however its over 20 years marriage many many good times some very bad times .....

star-pants

You can only show her how much you've changed, but you can't change her mind. She has come to a decision after many years of this. (I'm not saying you're at fault completely though) If you really love her, you'll have to let her go - she may come round in time, but trying to go 'look look i've changed' (whether you have or not) may only make her think you're just trying to win her over and go back to how it was before.

fundub2002

i realise things cant go back to where they were i became a horrible person over the last two years i suppose i am been selfish trying to find away to get a second chance .her decision to leave made me realise just how much i loved here .part of me says let her go but its not what i want.

biko

Perhaps you should leave her for now but stay in touch? If she can see for herself that you've changed it could swing things back?
Lip service isn't enough, she needs to come to the conclusion that you've changed for herself.

LegacyUser

your right lip service is not enough its not just a matter of walking away for loads of reasons mainly financial right now one of us just cant walk we will be living together in same house with two teeneage kids

Beruthiel

fundub2002 wrote: »

i realise things cant go back to where they were i became a horrible person over the last two years i suppose i am been selfish trying to find away to get a second chance .her decision to leave made me realise just how much i loved here .part of me says let her go but its not what i want.

Leave her be.
It took her a long time to come to the decision to leave. Months, if not years it took her to reach that decision. It was not taken lightly. She weighed up the pros and cons.
At this point, there isn't a thing you can say or do that will change her mind just like that. Not after she has taken so long to make the decision in the first place.
Go about getting yourself sorted. Try again in a few months time. But there is no point pushing her. All that will do is make her more determined that she made the right decision.

LegacyUser

could you possibly explain to her in a calm amnner that you know you have been a total ass for the last x years but thet you are going to try to change (don't promise you will - you do not know that you can be what she wants just yet) ask her if she would agree to having some time apart rather than an official its all over for good.

Perhaps you could move in with some family/friends/hotel for a bit and let her have some space. Keep in touch with her and show her how mcuh you care (send some nice texts/ enquire how she is/send her flowers/tell her you miss her and how you feel - but obviously don't badger the woman). Agree to meet up once a week over dinner/drinks to have a chat and see how you both feel about each other and the situation.

It might be that when she gets this space she won't want to be with you anymore or it might be that she gets lonely and starts to see the new you and take you back.

I dont think you can expect her to just give you another chance just because you have suddenly realised how bad you were and you are trying to fix it. I tihnk you need to show her you respect her and her feelings and PROVE to her you can change.

I hope this helps

fundub2002

yes that is what im doing giving her space not melting her head giving her time thngs for fine day to day once we dont talk about the future the relationship

Taltos

Unregistered wrote: »

could you possibly explain to her in a calm amnner that you know you have been a total ass for the last x years but thet you are going to try to change (don't promise you will - you do not know that you can be what she wants just yet) ask her if she would agree to having some time apart rather than an official its all over for good.

Perhaps you could move in with some family/friends/hotel for a bit and let her have some space. Keep in touch with her and show her how mcuh you care (send some nice texts/ enquire how she is/send her flowers/tell her you miss her and how you feel - but obviously don't badger the woman). Agree to meet up once a week over dinner/drinks to have a chat and see how you both feel about each other and the situation.

It might be that when she gets this space she won't want to be with you anymore or it might be that she gets lonely and starts to see the new you and take you back.

I dont think you can expect her to just give you another chance just because you have suddenly realised how bad you were and you are trying to fix it. I tihnk you need to show her you respect her and her feelings and PROVE to her you can change.

I hope this helps

This all assumes that she is still open to listening to the OP.
At this point she may have decided enough is enough.
His pressurising her to show how much he has changed might just make a bad situation worse.
Since there are 2 teenagers in the mix this has the potential to go very bad very fast - no matter who is to blame.
Give her what she is looking for - but agree to work together to help your children move past this - chances are they will be blaming themselves.
So man up - give up what you want - and do what is right for your kids.
Living together in the same house is not ideal.
No matter what - be respectful to each other, no blame and stay close to your kids - do more with them right now - reassure them that they are your priority.
20 yrs is a long time - but it is not a good reason to stay together.

LegacyUser

It serves you right.

I was with a man who turned pr1ck on me too. He waited until after I was trapped of course like all your types do.

After a lot of hellish years I left him. I enjoyed his disbelief and felt nothing but contempt for his self pity.

The only thing concerning you is your own self pity. You never thought she'd end it, did you?

Well she did and it serves you right.

I've no sympathy for you. Why would she want to go back to the hell you put her through?
She is probably in bliss now after years in purgatory.

She is free now, let her go.

fundub2002

you are right i know that and accept that i have moved well passed the self pity bit i do want to repair the damage i do know we can both be happy again ...........

ManOfMystery

fundub2002 wrote: »

you are right i know that and accept that i have moved well passed the self pity bit i do want to repair the damage i do know we can both be happy again ...........

It sounds like you want to call the shots here. You know you can both be happy - but how do you know your wife won't be happier on her own, even if things got back to normal? Perhaps after everything she's been through she is yearning for freedom.

If you truly love her, let her be to make her own decisions - that will truly show her you have changed.

Oh The Humanity

I dont think you can repair this type of damage which is felt so deeply and lasts so long.

How do you know you both can be happy again?

I dont think you are the best at reading people as you were so blindsided by the break up in the first place.

SHE WAS FED UP WITH MY MOODS MY ANGER AND MY BULLYING .IT WAS AN EYEOPENER SHOCK

fundub2002

no body seems to think it can be repaired here i still do but i do know it will take a long time i have gne for theraphy and that has really helped and i know it is something i probably will have to do for the rest of my life and i am happy to do so

Oh The Humanity

Look its good you are going to therapy......but why this woman...cant you leave her be...she has been through enough...

If you really are a reformed character....you can meet someone new....

no body seems to think it can be repaired here

So tell us then...WHY do you feel it can be repaired?

i still do but i do know it will take a long time

That sounds like you are going to hound the woman until she breaks....?

Stheno

fundub2002 wrote: »

no body seems to think it can be repaired here i still do but i do know it will take a long time i have gne for theraphy and that has really helped and i know it is something i probably will have to do for the rest of my life and i am happy to do so

20 years is a long time and no one would take the decision to end such a long relationship lightly imo.

You might think that your relationship can be repaired/restored, but tbh, it's as important if not more so that your wife feels the same way. It would take a lot of hard work and effort on both sides to repair the relationship given what you have said.

As others have already posted, I'd leave things be at the moment, give your wife some space, be respectful and polite in your living arrangements and look after your kids.

fundub2002

i certainly wont be hounding her i know the more space she gets the more she will see i have changed and i am back to the person she loved - i am not interested in seeing anyone -

we enjoy each others company we can talk are comfortasble with each other however i became obsessed with my business over the last two years and changed into a horrible person something im not proud of

branners69

A situation like this is going to take time and patience, and NO pressure from you!!! If the problem took place over a couple of years the healing could take more and even still there may be no saving it.

At the end of the day there is 3 sides to every story - yours, hers and the truth! And we are only getting your side which to blunt seems as if you are feeling sorry for yourself, you now want what you potentially have lost forever.

To me you have to remind her of the good times, the happier times you spent and shared together which, should she be willing, could happen again.

You would also need to show you have changed! Going to get help is grand but showing that the help is working is another ball game!

MissHoneyBun

Actions speak louder than words.

fundub2002

yes i agree taking all hat on board...............

Oh The Humanity

Ok, well dont read too much into it. She may just be trying to keep things civil/pleasant for the sake of the kids.

The best thing you can do is nothing. If she wants to give you another chance let her come to you.

Like the poster above said let your actions do the talking.

cafecolour

Honestly, while you impatience is certainly understandable, it's really not going to help your cause.

Definitely keep with the counseling. But also - start going to the gym again, join a few activities/hobbies, start dressing up again. Basically, start preparing yourself for single again. In case it doesn't work out with your wife, for one, but also, it well help you seem much more like a new man, besides just saying you are a 'new man'.

Then you've got to let her alone for a while. Maybe in a few months, approach her again - and ask her on a date. Do NOT say let's get back together, just say "I'd like to try dating you again" or something lower pressure - ie once a week at max. To take her dinner or such. But if she says no, it's a no, and you've got to move on.

Finally, absolutely do not involve your kids in this at all - no badmouthing their mother, of course, but no asking after her, no "I'd like to get back together but your mother doesn't", etc. All interaction with them needs to be focus on them, not her - or you.

Heineken Helen

Leave her alone... if you love her and want to do something for her... leave her alone!

You are now paying the price for what you have done and I'm sorry for you, I really am, but think about all you've done to her. She has her freedom now so please just let her go. If you've REALLY changed, you'll back off. MAYBE one day you two can get back together but probably not.

CDfm

Go easy on yourself.

Are there any kids?

How would it be for you and your business and you both financially if you did seperate bearing in mind there is a recession on.

If I were you I would prepare for the worst and work towards the best.

Check out some seperated mens groups and if you need links pm me.

The Sweeper

fundub2002 wrote: »

no body seems to think it can be repaired here i still do but i do know it will take a long time i have gne for theraphy and that has really helped and i know it is something i probably will have to do for the rest of my life and i am happy to do so

OP, when things get hard, and you become obsessed with something outside your relationship, your personality can change. But see, it's a choice, not something that you have no control over.

When men come under a lot of stress, sometimes the easiest outlet for them is to turn into a complete bollix to their partner, she who will suffer in silence. It's because you know her better than you know anybody else, and because she's married to you, so you'll speak to her and treat her more badly than you'd treat and speak to anyone else in your entire life. You wouldn't treat your parents like that, and you wouldn't treat your friends like that, and even your own kids aren't going to be on the receiving end of just how much a bollix you can be as much as your missus will.

Bet she feels like she couldn't do a thing right for years.

Bet she feels like she couldn't spend a red cent without your say so.

Bet you badgered and bullied her because it was an outlet for you.

I'll even bet you were deliberatly, consciously mean to her, and you enjoyed it, because it was something in your life you had total control over and behaving like an indulgent prick gave you an outlet that you couldn't find anywhere else.

Problem is now, why in the name of holy Jesus would she take you back?

See, most people, when someone very close to them who they love is being horrible to them, they look to themselves for a reason for the horribleness. Why is he being like this to me? Why does he hate me so? Why would anyone speak to anyone else like this? Am I such an unlikeable person?

Where she'd be better off on two fronts - one, if she was able to look at herself and say "this is you, it's not me, you're being a bollix and it's not my fault", and she'd be better off if she had been able to say to you "Don't treat me like that. You don't get to speak to me like a tinker's dog, whatever the hell is going on in your life, now get back in your box until you can learn to be nice."

So can it be repaired?

It can only be repaired if you can look at the way you acted and say openly and honestly "I was a wanker, and no part of that is your fault".

If you try, even for a moment, to justify behaving like a bollix by putting some of the responsibility on her - how she acted, how she was, how she spoke, how she looked - then there's no future whatsoever for this relationship.

That's because, even in difficult times, you can get through the bad patches of your relationship without resorting to control, bullying, emotional manipulation and all of the other horrible little mean-spirited activities that are so self-indulgently unpleasant. If things were hard, you could have told her things were hard and asked her for some understanding, instead of taking things out on her.

As it stands, she's finally copped on that the problem is how you have chosen to treat her, not how she behaved. Subsequently she's jumped ship, and good luck to her, I say.

Here's the question now though - WHY do you want to get her back?

fundub2002

your dead right in everything you say it was so easy to take things out on her sometimes without even knowing i did or was it was only when she walked i realised what a complete asshole bully i was why do i want her back well simply i love her love everything about her my eyes have been opened i am not looking for an easy way back or forgiveness just some hope . i know i am on the right road to sorting my self out i need to for the sake of my kids if nothing else .

CDfm

fundub2002 wrote: »

no body seems to think it can be repaired here i still do but i do know it will take a long time i have gne for theraphy and that has really helped and i know it is something i probably will have to do for the rest of my life and i am happy to do so

You cant force her to stay with you.

You want to put in the effort to save your marriage and you are prepared to do anything she asks. That says something about the value you put on it.I believe you would do so.

I wonder why you are going to counselling and what this counselling is for and who chose it. It just seems odd that you cant see any positive and descibe yourself as a bastard. It comes across that you may be being manipulated.Its like you are apologising for being you.


Just say she has found someone else or that she is talking to someone who has convinced her that she can have everything you worked for legally.Even if you give her everything you own you wont keep her.

Say she wants out and in doing so would leave you destitute and on the streets and take the assets you need for your business that would leave you neither with the marriage or your business.

Have you thought/planned how you would cope with that. WE are in a recession and while you have money now -it could run out.

If she wants to leave -she should pack her bags and be the one to go and stand on her own feet financially.

Have you spoken to anyone in the mens groups like www.amen.ie and asked them if what is going on is reasonable. I think you should.

fundub2002

there is no one else nor is she looking to deastroy me financially she just wants out for sanity purposes

CDfm

fundub2002 wrote: »

there is no one else nor is she looking to deastroy me financially she just wants out for sanity purposes

are you or were you a good provider?

she can go to a Womans Aid hostel if her situation is desperate.

If her sanity is fragile she should be going for help from a GP.

Sorry if I am being hard but you are not giving any examples to support the assertion that you are a bastard.

nesbitt

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

OP, when things get hard, and you become obsessed with something outside your relationship, your personality can change. But see, it's a choice, not something that you have no control over.

When men come under a lot of stress, sometimes the easiest outlet for them is to turn into a complete bollix to their partner, she who will suffer in silence. It's because you know her better than you know anybody else, and because she's married to you, so you'll speak to her and treat her more badly than you'd treat and speak to anyone else in your entire life. You wouldn't treat your parents like that, and you wouldn't treat your friends like that, and even your own kids aren't going to be on the receiving end of just how much a bollix you can be as much as your missus will.


Bet she feels like she couldn't do a thing right for years.

Bet she feels like she couldn't spend a red cent without your say so.

Bet you badgered and bullied her because it was an outlet for you.

I'll even bet you were deliberatly, consciously mean to her, and you enjoyed it, because it was something in your life you had total control over and behaving like an indulgent prick gave you an outlet that you couldn't find anywhere else.

Problem is now, why in the name of holy Jesus would she take you back?

See, most people, when someone very close to them who they love is being horrible to them, they look to themselves for a reason for the horribleness. Why is he being like this to me? Why does he hate me so? Why would anyone speak to anyone else like this? Am I such an unlikeable person?

Where she'd be better off on two fronts - one, if she was able to look at herself and say "this is you, it's not me, you're being a bollix and it's not my fault", and she'd be better off if she had been able to say to you "Don't treat me like that. You don't get to speak to me like a tinker's dog, whatever the hell is going on in your life, now get back in your box until you can learn to be nice."

So can it be repaired?

It can only be repaired if you can look at the way you acted and say openly and honestly "I was a wanker, and no part of that is your fault".

If you try, even for a moment, to justify behaving like a bollix by putting some of the responsibility on her - how she acted, how she was, how she spoke, how she looked - then there's no future whatsoever for this relationship.

That's because, even in difficult times, you can get through the bad patches of your relationship without resorting to control, bullying, emotional manipulation and all of the other horrible little mean-spirited activities that are so self-indulgently unpleasant. If things were hard, you could have told her things were hard and asked her for some understanding, instead of taking things out on her.

As it stands, she's finally copped on that the problem is how you have chosen to treat her, not how she behaved. Subsequently she's jumped ship, and good luck to her, I say.

Here's the question now though - WHY do you want to get her back?

+1

Went through some very bad times myself and just could not understand why I got the brunt of everything. I'm not a martyr so we separated. I needed to get a life back! Things have moved on considerably and my ex now treats me with respect and consideration. We can have a coffee and share a joke when he calls over to pick up kids. However I am aware that it is because we have separated that he views me differently and therefore treats me with the respect I deserve IYKWIM... We will not be getting back together and will divorce in due course. So OP sometimes love dies and the other person calls time and will not give a 2nd, 3rd, 4th chance. Perhaps the most you can do is be the best ex you can and learn a big life lesson from losing your marriage. It would be great if you mended everything and got back together but life does not generally go like that, sorry.

fundub2002

no i realise we will more than likely split and not get together i am determined to sort my self out and treat my wife with total respect going forward and to be a loving and decent dad . I just posted the question to see what people had to say and i appreciate the advice given it wont stop me trying to save my marriage but i wont be pushing anything because more than anything i that only makes things worse

star-pants

I think people are just saying don't hold out hope for fixing the marriage. No one knows what may happen in the future. As you said for now the best you can do is focus on getting yourself and your life on track and be there for your children.

poindexter

fundub2002 wrote: »

i realise things cant go back to where they were i became a horrible person over the last two years i suppose i am been selfish trying to find away to get a second chance .her decision to leave made me realise just how much i loved here .part of me says let her go but its not what i want.

you don't miss the water till the well runs dry.

what about what she wants??? if you love her as much as you say, and she wants to move on why not let her go?? maybe if she sees this in you she will notice a change, someone who is willing to sacrifice for her, to understand her, to put yourself in her shoes for even a split second. maybe that is the person she fell in love with in the first place. you saying what you want aint going to make a difference now as this aint about only you now

CDfm

fundub2002 wrote: »

no i realise we will more than likely split and not get together i am determined to sort my self out and treat my wife with total respect going forward and to be a loving and decent dad . I just posted the question to see what people had to say and i appreciate the advice given it wont stop me trying to save my marriage but i wont be pushing anything because more than anything i that only makes things worse

I am not saying you shouldnt try - just that you are taking on all the blame and that just seems strange.