Problems with other halfs parents...

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

I found out like yesterday that my gf of a year parents have a problem with me.
Apparently, my religious views (im an Agnostic - something made us but im not into organised religion) are changing her, and her parents have problems with this. they seem to think i dont believe in god at all! They have used it as the backbone for the argument of her seeing me too much, talks up her sisters boyfriend (who has a car and drives the sister everywhere, but is on the dole - i at least work.) They also got annoyed because i offered to buy her a new dress, they found out and they said they wanted to buy it!

Its not like we are young and naive - im 22 nearly 23 and she is 23 nearly 24, and everything between us is excellent. We are very happy together. but she started telling me this stuff yesterday. She still lives at home, which is the problem, and I live on my own.

Very new thing, only last day or two, and its very uncomforting. Any ideas what i should say/do?

ManOfMystery

Sounds very unfair. Did she defend you when they started this slating?

LegacyUser

yeah, she did, she said she has a big problem with it and it has happened with other guys she used to go out with, and i only found out via text. I wont see her for a couple days more so i am wondering what i should say to her or her parents, if anything?

cafecolour

Absolutely don't discuss anything with them yourself - and def avoid critical/snide comments in response (ie "i would drive her places, but unfortunately I actually have a job.")

Simply tell your GF to stop telling her parents info about you or the relationship, besides vague pleasantries (ie its good, etc.). if they pry, she can tell them she doesn't feel like sharing or she doesn't feel like it's their business as they have been previously very unsupportive.

And help your girlfriend find a new flat (and spend more nights at yours while she's at it!).

username123

If the parents have issues with you they should address them to YOU.

Ultimately its what your GF thinks of you that matters. If she is happy with your belief systems and behaviour and not swayed by her parents thoughts then youre ok - just dismiss them and forget it.

easyeason3

Jesus some people are never happy are they?
Her parents need to realise that this is 2009 & peoples religious views should not be a reason to dislike someone. I know they are probably from a different generation where things like this were frowned upon but they also need to take their daughters happiness into consideration.
Would they prefer if you followed the same religion as them but behind the scenes you were really nasty to their daughter?

I wouldn't make a big issue out of it as I'd say it will eventually blow over, it will be hard to bite your tongue in the meantime but you will be the bigger person by accepting their views but not getting into an argument about it.

ellie1

i am wondering what i should say to her or her parents, if anything?

Dont say anything to her parents. It may just blow over and by saying something you may antagonise the situation.
Ofen parents just worry about there childrens choice in partner and thats ok. Sometimes as children (even as adult children) we take comments our parents make to heart. Sometimes we need to listen to our parents comments, take heed in what they are saying and then make our own choices and decisions. Its very difficult when your living at home with the folks , maybe they still view her as younger than she is.
Are you seeing this girl long ?
Does she want to move out?
Does she want to move in with you?

LegacyUser

Well, ive had a long chat with her over the phone about it, and it seems that everything was just erupting all in one go. Apparently my religious views were brought into the conversation, because she has 'no respect for god' and 'no care for the church' which are, according to them, 'new thoughts' that must have come from me. Now she has said that she is also agnostic, and to them, and that they have apologised to her for bringing it up. That i shouldnt say anything cause iitll make things awkward. Thing is why should i keep queit about this, its my choice, it doesnt make me a bad person, and keep a lid on it when i know that this is what they think? Seems like they think im not good enough for her...

I also think that this is some form of a control issue - she has been spreading her wings more of recently and not at home so much. she is 23 near 24 after all, but i still feel like her parents have a lot of control over her. I solved this problem with my parents a long time ago, by moving out at 18 for college and i only returned home for the summer months, so im nicely independent. What advice do you think i can or should give to her about her parents assuming so much control??

ellie1

Well, ive had a long chat with her over the phone about it, and it seems that everything was just erupting all in one go. Apparently my religious views were brought into the conversation, because she has 'no respect for god' and 'no care for the church' which are, according to them, 'new thoughts' that must have come from me.

Maybe she has changed her views since meeting you.

Now she has said that she is also agnostic, and to them, and that they have apologised to her for bringing it up.

So she has changed her views since she met you. This would be of concern to parents of some people if they are particularly religious. They did apoligise and maybe just said it in the heat of the moment.

That i shouldnt say anything cause iitll make things awkward. Thing is why should i keep queit about this, its my choice, it doesnt make me a bad person, and keep a lid on it when i know that this is what they think? Seems like they think im not good enough for her...

Dont say anything as she has asked you not to. What do they think? Simply that you have had some influence over their daughters choice about religion. They may well think your not good enough but you cant assume that.

I also think that this is some form of a control issue - she has been spreading her wings more of recently and not at home so much. she is 23 near 24 after all, but i still feel like her parents have a lot of control over her.

She is still living at home and it is often difficult for parents to let go of their children while they are in the family home. I dont think its about control
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I solved this problem with my parents a long time ago, by moving out at 18 for college and i only returned home for the summer months, so im nicely independent. What advice do you think i can or should give to her about her parents assuming so much control??

If she wants to move out its her choice. Her parents are not assuming control just concerned worried parents. It will blow over I am sure . dont turn it into a mini drama.

*Honey*

I would also agree that it is a control issue with the parents. At her age it's over the top ... if she was 16, I'd understand it... 23 is excessive.

If you two are happy, just go along as you have been doing and play it by ear - there is little point in antagonising the folks as yet. Hopefully it'll all blow over and they'll grow up a bit!!