HELP

LegacyUser

I wrote this letter tonight.
In effect it’s a letter from a thirty year old child to an over competitive parent.


You, you made a fool out of me. To save your own face. You threw me to a pack of lions and turned your back on me. You were the one jeering me, taunting me, lashing me. You pushed me into an arena, exposed and vulnerable and turned on me – you hung me out to dry. You left me humiliated and worthless. You went a step further and proved I was the worthless crap that you had made me – you proved to the world that you were not wrong – it was me - the piece of worthless crap- it was all my fault. I will never forget that. I’m not telling you this to hurt you, I’m telling you this so you know. So you know it wasn’t my choice.

Your actions so humiliated me , destroyed my life, and continue to do so. How could you think so little of me – unless it was true. I believed this is what I was – useless , good for nothing, stupid, piece of crap. Its what you told me over and over. You took away all of my dignity, all of my worth, all of my ambition, all of my confidence, all of my belief, all that I was. You left me with nothing. You tested me over and over again – humiliated me over and over again. Until there was nothing there except the loathing and hatred and disgust that you felt for me – that is what I am now. It is your legacy. Self hating, self disgusting, self loathing, - its what you told me I am– it is all I am , it is all I feel.
I’m gone beyond repair, unfixable. I hate my self so much – down to the very core - I am a rotten worthless useless coward. A worthless investment, an embarrassment.

I have never trusted, never lived, never loved. I’ve never told anyone how I feel – not the friends, or family, or doctors. Too humiliated, too embarrassed, too afraid to let myself be exposed and vulnerable again, and be seen in the repulsive light I see myself. This is what I believe myself to be.

You need to know this. I have tried to end it. I’ve sat on a bridge – feeling nothing but disgust for my self. I’ve wanted to crash my car – make it look like an accident. Everything you told me I was, over and over and over and over again, That’s what I am. I am what you have made me. I am broken because of you.
I never wanted this. I wanted what you wanted – more than you. I wanted it so much – so much I let it destroy me. I gave every little bit of myself, until there was nothing of me left. I’d do it again if I could – that’s how much I wanted it. I just was not and never will be good enough. I cant bear this loneliness, and self disgust anymore.


I will not give this letter to its intended recipient, instead I post it here as my way of releasing it to the world, and Finally letting someone (no matter how anonymous) know how I feel.

Dravokivich

So are you looking for help or just ranting and raving?

Beruthiel

I suggest you go talk to a professional.
None of us here are qualified to help you.