Is it possible to be 'too nice?'

Well, to cut a long story short....things fizzled out with my ex and a really good friend suggested that its because i'm 'too nice'
Now i get that every woman is different but this WAS a really sweet, normal girl and tbh, when i got fed up and didn't call/msg/see her for a while i got upteen times more attention.
Is it just mind games or is being too nice a common problem. I just want to know cos i dont want to change. Female view is particularly welcome

Latchy

To be honest Op I find that whole ' he was to nice ' is a crock of **** .Of course you may fit that discription and there are loads of nice guys out there .

But that's what their girlfriends find attractive about them ,their niceness ,which shouldn't be confused with mr perfect .

So no sorry , that ' I broke up because he was 'to nice ' phrase doesn't wash with me .

John Mason

i think my BF is nice but i havent broken up with him

i am with him because he is nice

why would you want to be with someone who wasnt nice - it kinds defeats the purpose of being in a relationship

Otis Driftwood

Whats your definition of too nice?

Calling,texting and seeing eachother is what normal couples do.

Ignoring her to get more attention is very immature IMO.

Doesnt sound like something a supposdly nice guy would do.

AARRRGH

Yes, it is possible to be 'too nice'. No woman wants to go out with a pushover/pussy, unless of course, she's a control freak. And I'm assuming you don't want to be with one of them.

Also, I'm of the opinion that most people who are 'super nice' aren't genuinely super nice. They just grew up with overbearing parents and as a result live their life they way they're 'supposed' to rather than the way they want to.

Don't bother with the mind games. Just live your life the way you want to live it, and that includes being a bit selfish (there's nothing wrong with being a bit selfish) and not constantly putting other people's needs ahead of yours.

You can still be a nice person without losing your masculinity.

Babooshka

You want a females perspective so here goes. My boyfriend is one of the nicest people (if not the nicest, to me of course) person I know. But, he doesn't take sh*t off me, and I respect that. If he did, and let me walk all over him (which I wouldn't do because I'm nice too) I would probably leave him because I would have no respect for him. However, I dunno how old you are, and I definitely know that I only found out stuff like this after lots of different experiences and a teeny bit of wisdom that comes with age.

You'll always meet f*cked up people who like playing head games and walking on you so as soon as it starts with the feeling like you're being too nice thing, or being walked on, assert yourself and judge the girl's reaction. If she messes you about, pick up your self respect off the floor and walk, and don't go back because the girl suddenly realises you value yourself and starts contacting you. Consider her too immature for you and move on. You'll find the nice girls, they're out there. Hope that makes sense. Don't stop being nice and don't start playing anyone elses games just to fit in, nice is needed around here!!

nedtheshed

I didn't say ignoring to get more attention. i said getting fed up and not replying as i needed specae and time to think
Quit trying to start something

nedtheshed wrote: »

Whats your definition of too nice?

Calling,texting and seeing eachother is what normal couples do.

Ignoring her to get more attention is very immature IMO.

Doesnt sound like something a supposdly nice guy would do.

Babooshka

Thanks Babooshka,
Really appreciate this reply.
Everything you say makes sense. I guess i just didn't want to admit that sometimes i can be a bad judge of character. The problem with a long first love relationship (not this girl, lol) is that i just feel like im way behind everyone else when it comes to the games, rules and boundaries etc.

Does he give lessons??? :-P

Babooshka wrote: »

You want a females perspective so here goes. My boyfriend is one of the nicest people (if not the nicest, to me of course) person I know. But, he doesn't take sh*t off me, and I respect that. If he did, and let me walk all over him (which I wouldn't do because I'm nice too) I would probably leave him because I would have no respect for him. However, I dunno how old you are, and I definitely know that I only found out stuff like this after lots of different experiences and a teeny bit of wisdom that comes with age.

You'll always meet f*cked up people who like playing head games and walking on you so as soon as it starts with the feeling like you're being too nice thing, or being walked on, assert yourself and judge the girl's reaction. If she messes you about, pick up your self respect off the floor and walk, and don't go back because the girl suddenly realises you value yourself and starts contacting you. Consider her too immature for you and move on. You'll find the nice girls, they're out there. Hope that makes sense. Don't stop being nice and don't start playing anyone elses games just to fit in, nice is needed around here!!

bubblewrap

I think it is human nature, we always seem to want what isn't always available to us. Being nice, to me, means you give it your all, give everything you have, usually too soon and usually putting others feelings and wants before your own. I am not saying be a barstool but maybe hold back and put yourself first from time to time, there is nothing wrong with being nice but a lot of people seem to see it as being a pushover and it kinda puts them off.

However, I sometimes wish my bf was too nice but he ain't!

Latchy

AARRRGH wrote: »

Also, I'm of the opinion that most people who are 'super nice' aren't genuinely super nice. They just grew up with overbearing parents and as a result live their life they way they're 'supposed' to rather than the way they want to.

Indeed ,I sometimes get suspicious when somebody comes across as being to nice .Might be the complete opposite

bubblewrap

Problem is, its not easy to be a barstool (love it) when you aren't one naturally. And i hate barstools! I've been told i 'put the ***** on a pedestal' too. I'm gonna stay clear of furniture. :-P

Fact is, almost all the nice guys i know are single, most of the nice girls i know are with [EMAIL="tw@ts"]tw@ts[/EMAIL] and im not willing to change

bubblewrap wrote: »

I think it is human nature, we always seem to want what isn't always available to us. Being nice, to me, means you give it your all, give everything you have, usually too soon and usually putting others feelings and wants before your own. I am not saying be a barstool but maybe hold back and put yourself first from time to time, there is nothing wrong with being nice but a lot of people seem to see it as being a pushover and it kinda puts them off.

However, I sometimes wish my bf was too nice but he ain't!

prinz

Deleted User wrote: »

most of the nice girls i know are with tw@ts and im not willing to change

That's their problem. Buy yourself some popcorn and sit back, you'll see them posting here sooner or later, complaining about why their bfs aren't nicer to them.

shellyboo

Deleted User wrote: »

Problem is, its not easy to be a barstool (love it) when you aren't one naturally. And i hate barstools! I've been told i 'put the ***** on a pedestal' too. I'm gonna stay clear of furniture. :-P

Fact is, almost all the nice guys i know are single, most of the nice girls i know are with tw@ts and im not willing to change

OP, how old are you? Because this does actually change with age.

prinz

Doesn't give you much faith though, in love or karma

prinz wrote: »

That's their problem. Buy yourself some popcorn and sit back, you'll see them posting here sooner or later, complaining about why their bfs aren't nicer to them.

bubblewrap

I am too nice myself, and this can and does make people take advantage, whether it is intentional or not. I know you can't pretend to be a barstool if you aren't one, but I do think that maybe putting yourself first and standing up for yourself is important. I can't see though, how texting and calling makes the OP look too nice....unless he is like me texting until my fingers drop off!

shellyboo

Too old shellyboo - 28!

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, how old are you? Because this does actually change with age.

prinz

Deleted User wrote: »

Doesn't give you much faith though, in love or karma

Hang in there buddy. I am always described as being a 'nice guy' (might suprise some people here on this forum ), I love it, why not, better than people thinking I'm not nice. I met a great girl a few years ago and things have been great.

On the other hand I have a friend who acts like a tough-guy, hard to get ladies man playa.... guess what he's single, bitter, desperate and unhappy. It maye have worked on girls in college or whatnot, but it does not work anymore. He can't keep a girlfriend. He's set in his ways of 'don't be nice, treat 'em mean etc, and he hasn't had anything more than a couple of weeks fling in almost 3 years.

Be a nice guy, you'll find a nice girl who appreciates it sooner or later.


Err 28 ok.Thought you were younger.Advice still stands though.

bubblewrap

Typing this with my one remaining stump :-P

bubblewrap wrote: »

I am too nice myself, and this can and does make people take advantage, whether it is intentional or not. I know you can't pretend to be a barstool if you aren't one, but I do think that maybe putting yourself first and standing up for yourself is important. I can't see though, how texting and calling makes the OP look too nice....unless he is like me texting until my fingers drop off!

shellyboo

Deleted User wrote: »

Too old shellyboo - 28!

Oh dear, and all your girl mates are still going out with twats? That's upsetting.

I was going to say that as girls get older they start to want men and not boys... but that seems not to be the case here

shellyboo

There are a few glimmers of hope but yeah. maybe i just have a bad bunch of friends! lol

shellyboo wrote: »

Oh dear, and all your girl mates are still going out with twats? That's upsetting.

I was going to say that as girls get older they start to want men and not boys... but that seems not to be the case here

mardybum

I think nice is used as a euphemism for un-confidence (if such a word exists ) a lot of the time.

People always used to say this guy I went out with was so nice, Oh X is soo nice! X is no heartbreaker, etc etc.
X was afraid to express an opinion for fear of upseting me and at the same time showed affection to the point of suffocation. And yet everyone said he was soo nice.

I think the basic principal that applies to all relationships is treat people how you would like to be treated yourself, no matter what happens.

mardybum

I do have confidence issues mardybum but not to the point where i think it affects my relationship that much. Always stand up for my point of view and open to others opinions

mardybum wrote: »

I think nice is used as a euphemism for un-confidence (if such a word exists ) a lot of the time.

People always used to say this guy I went out with was so nice, Oh X is soo nice! X is no heartbreaker, etc etc.
X was afraid to express an opinion for fear of upseting me and at the same time showed affection to the point of suffocation. And yet everyone said he was soo nice.

I think the basic principal that applies to all relationships is treat people how you would like to be treated yourself, no matter what happens.

shellyboo

Deleted User wrote: »

There are a few glimmers of hope but yeah. maybe i just have a bad bunch of friends! lol

Honestly, I was going to say that but thought it would be a bit rude! Perhaps you've landed yourself with a bunch of emotionally immature eejits for mates?

I mean... yeah, I dated my fair share of twats when I was young too, and when I was 18 I met a guy who was just lovely, and I went out with him for 5 years.

Now - he was what you'd describe as too nice. He was just a doormat. My mates made jokes to me about him being whipped and stuff, but he really was. He was essentially so scared of upsetting me that he just never stood up to me or called me on any of my ****ty behaviour or unreasonable demands. I wasn't a very nice person at the end of that relationship, and I just completely lost respect for him. Not proud of that, but that's the truth.

So then I went off and dated lots of real arseholes. And they were just arseholes, really.

Now I have a lovely boyfriend who is very very nice... but he's not a pushover. I wouldn't even try any kind of crap with him (not that I want to, learned my lesson) because he wouldn't put up with it. I know where my boundaries are, he knows where his are, and it works.

In conclusion - you're not finding the right kind of women. The grown-up ones who know what they want. So maybe you're not looking in the right places? Where are you meeting these girls?

Wibbs

Babooshka nails it pretty much.

Yep I think you can be too nice as a man. I see it all the time. By "nice" I mean, weak, little or no self respect in the face of a woman yanking your chain, emotionally needy and inconsistent, constantly following not leading, wishy washy in your self belief etc. I dunno where it comes from, but a lot of men seemed to have lost their way and act that out, either by being wimps or macho bad boys. Both sides of the same self esteem coin in my humble. The latter gets more female attention though.

I agree with shellyboo when she says it's age related, but I would also say it doesn't really go away as the years pass to nearly the degree many think. TBH I think a lot of women after frustration at a lot of men, settle for a guy with the least amount of wimpy behaviour. Mainly because they've rarely met the actual good guy. Plus bad boys aren't reliable so not a good bet longterm. Wimpy guys are more reliable so the best bet of the two, so in the abscence of the read deal it seems like a good bet. Though all too often the boredom sets in down the line, or you get the long termer style arguments, a large proportion of which IMHO come down to the guy not having a backbone, drive or emotional consistency. All aspects of the "nice" guy.

An actual nice guy, is confident in himself, emotionally consistent, knows what he wants and will go after it and takes responsibility for himself. He is not a dictatorial boor though. He listens to the people he loves and respects and takes that on board. He is not needy with a particular woman, because he knows other women are an option, but he chooses to be with the right woman for him. Too many men end up with a woman, just because they got "lucky" with her(women can do this too).

So OP, essentially be a better man in yourself and for yourself. Stand up for what you want. Listen, really listen to others and if after that they don't gel with you, walk. Women are everywhere. They're not going extinct. I say if a guy can't get any woman's attention then the fault lies squarely at his feet. So change that.

shellyboo

Its just been one girl so far that i have this issue with. I'm not meeting anyone just now as i'm not looking. I go travelling in a few months so looking advice so i set off in the right state of mind

shellyboo wrote: »

Honestly, I was going to say that but thought it would be a bit rude! Perhaps you've landed yourself with a bunch of emotionally immature eejits for mates?

I mean... yeah, I dated my fair share of twats when I was young too, and when I was 18 I met a guy who was just lovely, and I went out with him for 5 years.

Now - he was what you'd describe as too nice. He was just a doormat. My mates made jokes to me about him being whipped and stuff, but he really was. He was essentially so scared of upsetting me that he just never stood up to me or called me on any of my ****ty behaviour or unreasonable demands. I wasn't a very nice person at the end of that relationship, and I just completely lost respect for him. Not proud of that, but that's the truth.

So then I went off and dated lots of real arseholes. And they were just arseholes, really.

Now I have a lovely boyfriend who is very very nice... but he's not a pushover. I wouldn't even try any kind of crap with him (not that I want to, learned my lesson) because he wouldn't put up with it. I know where my boundaries are, he knows where his are, and it works.

In conclusion - you're not finding the right kind of women. The grown-up ones who know what they want. So maybe you're not looking in the right places? Where are you meeting these girls?

prinz

Wibbs wrote: »

An actual nice guy, is confident in himself, emotionally consistent, knows what he wants and will go after it and takes responsibility for himself. He is not a dictatorial boor though. He listens to the people he loves and respects and takes that on board. He is not needy with a particular woman, because he knows other women are an option, but he chooses to be with the right woman for him. Too many men end up with a woman, just because they got "lucky" with her(women can do this too).

So OP, essentially be a better man in yourself and for yourself. Stand up for what you want. Listen, really listen to others and if after that they don't gel with you, walk. Women are everywhere. They're not going extinct. I say if a guy can't get any woman's attention then the fault lies squarely at his feet. So change that.

Best advice the OP could hope for.

puglover

Hi Geeby,
Apologies if this has been said but I haven't had time to read all the replies.

My 2c... Yes it is possible.
I don't like when a guy puts me on a pedestal & acts like I'm this special perfect person. Nobody is and I don't want to be treated like that. I want a guy who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being a madam.
I went out with one guy who treated me like that, he's always be up for slag or mess with his mates, but he wouldn't with me, ti's like he thought I was too special... I'm not, I want a man who will challenge me and not let me walk all over him.

I'm sure lots of girls would would have this preference...

LegacyUser

From another female point of view-

It can work the other way around too with the girl being 'too nice'. When my ex broke up with me, I discovered that a huge reason had been because I had been doing too much in the relationship. I was always surprising him and doing stuff for him- which could be considered as being 'too nice'. It made everything unbalanced. It appeared to him that I was more into him than the other way around. Which in my opinion is another reason why a lot of people break up.

Dudess

There's nice meaning "sound" and nice meaning "doormat". The first one is extremely attractive, the second one is not attractive at all...

ShawnRaven

Latchy wrote: »

To be honest Op I find that whole ' he was to nice ' is a crock of **** .Of course you may fit that discription and there are loads of nice guys out there .

But that's what their girlfriends find attractive about them ,their niceness ,which shouldn't be confused with mr perfect .

So no sorry , that ' I broke up because he was 'to nice ' phrase doesn't wash with me .

I'm in agreement with Latchy here, usually falls into the "It's not me, it's you category" too much for my liking.

And yes, i was dumped once with that as an excuse many years ago, couldn't believe it. I used it as an excuse to be a miserable git. I'm now considered the John Becker of my circle of friends and people now find my brutal honesty an attractive feature.

Wibbs

Dudess wrote: »

There's nice meaning "sound" and nice meaning "doormat".

Agreed. IMHO The problem arises because too many men don't know and can't tell the difference. So they follow the mantra of "just be yourself" or listen to others, men and women, who don't know the difference either and get often bad advice.

Actually a lot of women cant explain it either although they swear they want a "nice guy". I know more than one woman who is always saying she wants a "nice guy", yet stays the longest with "bad boys" and any nice guy gets the heave ho very quickly. I'm sure we all know an example of that. But women do feel the difference after a while and end up in the situation of "I love him, but I'm not in love with him" with the nice guy. Then the same guy has no clue why. Rinse and repeat. I can fully understand why women feel like this TBH. I know I would in their shoes.