For those who have been cheated on...

LegacyUser

Did your partner point blank deny it? How long for and how could you tell he was lying?

Some body language tips would help.

Wibbs

I dunno, try trusting them or asking them. If you overthink this or fear it to an unnatural degree, more often than not it'll happen or more to the point they'll leave. Paranoia without good evidence is not an attractive trait.

star-pants

May I ask if you're enquiring in general or have you a PI about your OH possibly cheating?
In general, I think you have to trust your OH until proven otherwise. You earn each others trust in the beginning and the rest is faith. If you start to poke holes for no reason you may end up with a problem.
If you think your OH is cheating, well confrontation isn't good but if you feel you have evidence then do, and you can decide from then what you wish to do.

AARRRGH

Well, it's pretty easy to tell when someone is lying -

Ask them a question you know they'll lie about, and watch where their eyes go.
Later on ask them a question you know they won't lie about, and watch how their eyes go in a different direction to when they lied.
Then ask them if they cheated on you...

They say if someone is cheating (i.e. seeing someone else, not a drunken one night mistake) they start taking better care of their appearance, and act a lot nicer to their partner.

John Mason

LOL

yes, my ex told me he wasnt cheating but in fact, it was me that was cheating on him

Now at the time, i was reading text messages he had received from his secretary, a lot of nipple biting and having sex in my car type of texts

To this day - 4 years later, he still denies he ever cheated on me :rolleyes::rolleyes:

LOL, you have to laugh cos he really believes it

Amy33

I was with my partner for 6 years and from what I understand now, he had been cheating on me pretty much from the word go. He cheated on me with colleagues from work, girls he met while on weekends away with the lads, the list is endless.

Of course I had my suspicions, but his answer would be along the lines of "it wasn't his fault that I had a tough upbringing and trusted nobody".

I believe that no matter what's at home, all men cheat.

John Mason

trish990 wrote: »

I, all men cheat.

ALL MEN DO NOT CHEAT

this is a horrible generalisation


your man cheated, you had a bad one. dont you dare tar all men with the same brush

its just as easy to say taht all women cheat

Liam Byrne

argh........ wrote: »

Did your partner point blank deny it? How long for and how could you tell he was lying?

Some body language tips would help.

How long for and how could you tell he or she was lying?

Corrected that for you.

Re: actual advice - see Wibbs' post above. If you're being paranoid without reason, you'll wreck what's there, OR if your partner's behaviour is indeed the cause (either with or without actual cheating), you're not compatible.

Liam Byrne

trish990 wrote: »

I believe that no matter what's at home, all men cheat.

It doesn't matter what you "believe" or choose to believe.

You're wrong.

Amy33

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

ALL MEN DO NOT CHEAT

this is a horrible generalisation


your man cheated, you had a bad one. dont you dare tar all men with the same brush

its just as easy to say taht all women cheat

Well, maybe I should have added that the vast majority of men that have shown an interest in me have been married, maybe it's the circles that I mix in, but believe me from what I can see men are only with their wives because of the mortgage and kids.

AARRRGH

trish990 wrote: »

I believe that no matter what's at home, all men cheat.

Not true.

Let me say this:

If all your boyfriends have cheated on you, what one element has been consistent in every relationship?

You.

So look to your own behaviour instead of deciding every one else is wrong.

AARRRGH

trish990 wrote: »

Well, maybe I should have added that the vast majority of men that have shown an interest in me have been married, maybe it's the circles that I mix in, but believe me from what I can see men are only with their wives because of the mortgage and kids.

Particular types of girls attract those sorts of men.

Again, look at your own behaviour.

Amy33

AARRRGH wrote: »

Particular types of girls attract those sorts of men.

Again, look at your own behaviour.

Ya, it's always the woman's fault isn't it...

AARRRGH

trish990 wrote: »

Ya, it's always the woman's fault isn't it...

Listen, I know there are lots of people who love playing the 'victim', but if people are constantly treating you in a certain way, then you have to eventually analyse your own behaviour to see if you are the cause.

For example, if you don't have sex with your boyfriends, they will cheat on you. This is normal and to be expected.

Or if all your boyfriends treat you badly, then stop picking bad men. It is not a coincidence certain women constantly pick bad men: it's because they like being the victim.

LegacyUser

Please don't say all men cheat, I have been with 2 men who I KNOW hadn't and wouldn't cheat on me, however, I do believe my current man is capable of it. It isn't down to who you are with, it is who you are as a person. I am a total stunner and my boyfriend knows how lucky he is to have me but I feel that he may see it as, if I can pull her, what else can I get?

bubblewrap

I have been cheated on loads but these times were with men I hadn't been with long so I didn't really confront them about it, I was told by other people each time, and that was it - I never contacted or saw them again so I didn't even give them a chance to lie, or confess.

However with my current bf, this is the real thing, don't think I could ever ever forgive him if he hurt me in that way, I like to think he is honest with me but people can be bloody good at lying, particularly if they want to believe it themselves...I know someone who was with her man for 4 years and he never admitted cheating despite doing it numerous times over the 4 years they were together (she too found out through other people, soft asses).

Look, cheating is common, we have to face that, but it doesn't mean everyone does it. I have never cheated on my bf and I hope to god he hasn't cheated on me. Not sure how I would react to be honest.

John Mason

trish990 wrote: »

Well, maybe I should have added that the vast majority of men that have shown an interest in me have been married, maybe it's the circles that I mix in, but believe me from what I can see men are only with their wives because of the mortgage and kids.

More then one of the friends husbands has tried to hit on me

but loads of them havent

who do i judge ?

me or them ?

in fairness to them and me, i was in bad place at the time and yes, i was probably given off lonely and vunerable vibes, needing some male company

so that was my fault

but it was also the fault of the men, who were aware of my situation and tried to take avantage (nothing ever happened, i am not that kind of person)

i changed my behaviour and some friends

if you are finding yourself in this kind of situation all the time, you need to have a look at yourself and your friends

bubblewrap

I am ashamed to admit I was the 'other woman' a long time ago, for about a year. This in itself made me not trust men - I know I shouldn't have done it, because it is unfair on the wife but also, it has tainted my view of relationships at quite an early age (19).

However, I have never cheated on anyone myself although I did wrong doing the above.

Milkey Bar Kid

trish990 wrote: »

Ya, it's always the woman's fault isn't it...

I find that so insulting t osay that all men cheat. I have never cheated on a lady in my life and I would say that I know as many women as men who have cheated on there other half . And to say its always the womans fault . Did you not just say before that it all mens faults

prinz

trish990 wrote: »

I believe that no matter what's at home, all men cheat.

:eek: Probably are on you, if they're coming home to an attitude like that. Creepy to have such a low opinion of people. Ever seek professional help?

As for the OP, are they looking to see if someone else is cheating, or are they looking for tips on how to look like you're not cheating

Milkey Bar Kid

Unregistered wrote: »

Please don't say all men cheat, I have been with 2 men who I KNOW hadn't and wouldn't cheat on me, however, I do believe my current man is capable of it. It isn't down to who you are with, it is who you are as a person. I am a total stunner and my boyfriend knows how lucky he is to have me but I feel that he may see it as, if I can pull her, what else can I get?

Does that mean he went for looks rather the brains

bubblewrap

Men are visual creatures so probably did go for looks. :rolleyes:;)

Can I just ask out of interest, what makes someone cheat? Men in particular as I am female. Is it if they are unhappy with the person they are with?

Nevyn

Milkey Bar Kid Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

bubblewrap wrote: »

Men are visual creatures so probably did go for looks. :rolleyes:;)

Can I just ask out of interest, what makes someone cheat? Men in particular as I am female. Is it if they are unhappy with the person they are with?

i think people cheat because they feel they are missing out on something in their own relationship. it could be something is amiss in the bedroom, lack of attention, escapism from serious family problems etc....

however i'm of the opinion the people who do cheat are plain and simply cowards, they don't have the courage, self respect and respect for others to face up to their problems/issues and try to resolve them. whether that be ending the relationship or working harder at it.

having been on both sides of the coin, it is my experience that the mistress/bit on the side is made of the same cowardly stuff (for want of a better word). they crave attention, have no respect for themselves or others and lack the conviction to stand on their own two feet and have a life of their own free from drama. they seem to feed off the excitement.

they say "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all", but i'm not so sure that this bit is true. to break up from a long term loving relationship is hard, its only comparison is grieving the death of a loved one. this grief is made 10 times harder to deal with if it transpires that lies and deception were involved.

my only bit of advice (for what its worth) is if you think your partner is cheating you have trust issues in your relationship, which will be hard to sort out, but must be sorted out face to face and not sneaking around checking up behind their back. if your not satisfied with response or behaviour afterwards then walk away before you get hurt to much. being in love is wonderful......breaking up hurts and scars, you have to protect yourself to some extent.

That_Guy

I unfortunately found out from someone else. I had no idea at the time so I'm not sure if I can give tips on body language etc.

lol_leo

anybody who cheats needs somebody to cheat with which would probably mean that the other person is quite likely cheating also so Id say its a 50/50 male/female thing and not men are worse or better than women.

I got cheated on as a man and even tho instincts were telling me one thing I just thought I was losing the plot a little. Anyhow, there were some signs there like change in character/attitude, nervousness, not answering the phone sometimes and basically avoidance of personnel questions and contact. I guess it works the same way wheather it be man or woman. Hope this helps and good luck

chickenhawk

argh........ wrote: »

Did your partner point blank deny it?

I think you'll always know...deep down if they are lying/cheating. But it's an easy thing to ignore if you have no proof as you want to stay with them and are afraid of finding out the truth!

AARRRGH

chickenhawk wrote: »

I think you'll always know...deep down if they are lying/cheating. But it's an easy thing to ignore if you have no proof as you want to stay with them and are afraid of finding out the truth!

I sort of agree with this. Our instincts are quite brilliant, but we are brought up to ignore them.

pow wow

AARRRGH wrote: »

I sort of agree with this. Our instincts are quite brilliant, but we are brought up to ignore them.

Ditto. How many people, once it's been confirmed the OH has been cheating, say 'I should have known....because (s)he was up to X, Y, Z....it all makes sense'. People give you signs, it's up to you whether you pay attention to them or not.

John Mason

chickenhawk wrote: »

I think you'll always know...deep down if they are lying/cheating. But it's an easy thing to ignore if you have no proof as you want to stay with them and are afraid of finding out the truth!

lLOL my instints must be dead lol

i hadnt a clue, i was even out that night with friends and i actually said "i know he would never cheat on me, because i know feels about that kinda of behaviour":rolleyes::rolleyes:

i am justs far too trust and lovely for my own good

Silverfish

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

lLOL my instints must be dead lol

i hadnt a clue, i was even out that night with friends and i actually said "i know he would never cheat on me, because i know feels about that kinda of behaviour":rolleyes::rolleyes:

i am justs far too trust and lovely for my own good

Why did you read his text messages then? Your gut instinct must have told you something, no?

John Mason

Silverfish wrote: »

Why did you read his text messages then? Your gut instinct must have told you something, no?

no, he came home really drunk, unable to talk and covered in blood

i spent half an hour cleaning up the blood, take out contact etc, trying to find out where the blood was coming from, he wasnt make any sense and then he handed me his phone and said i have a message and i cant read it - or grunts to that effect and there is was - "i miss you baby, cant wait for more car sex" or there abouts

Wibbs

pow wow wrote: »

Ditto. How many people, once it's been confirmed the OH has been cheating, say 'I should have known....because (s)he was up to X, Y, Z....it all makes sense'. People give you signs, it's up to you whether you pay attention to them or not.

I dunno, I tend to believe that hindsight is 20/20 vision. At the time it could go either way unless they're very obvious. Looking back objectively, I would say I was just as suspicious in one case where she was completely innocent and not suspicious at all with another wan who was having it away with two other guys at once.

pow wow

Wibbs wrote: »

I dunno, I tend to believe that hindsight is 20/20 vision. At the time it could go either way unless they're very obvious. Looking back objectively, I would say I was just as suspicious in one case where she was completely innocent and not suspicious at all with another wan who was having it away with two other guys at once.

Well hindsight is the good thing you get out of a post-cheating scenario! Rose-tinted glasses make people overlook even the obvious stuff though.

It's only happened to me once and I did suspect it for a wee while, but gave him the benefit of the doubt until I found out for sure

Wibbs

pow wow wrote: »

Well hindsight is the good thing you get out of a post-cheating scenario! Rose-tinted glasses make people overlook even the obvious stuff though.

That's the thing, I'm not so sure I would spot it again, unless she was being really bloody obvious. Some are unbelievably obvious and when that has happened it wasn't so much the cheating as the fact she was either that stupid or worse thought I was!:D. Oh yea with some casual relationship I reckon I'd spot it in a heartbeat. If I was in love? I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm one of those that would switch off all my defences in that case.

pow wow

Wibbs wrote: »

If I was in love? I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm one of those that would switch off all my defences in that case.

Not a bad thing at all

Dinkie

Wibbs wrote: »

If I was in love? I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm one of those that would switch off all my defences in that case.

I think you would.... it might take a while, but you feel uneasy, as there is something not quite right.

Me - the first time I was away for work and I found a tube of lipgloss in the bathroom.... he denied that one, but when he brought some one back (while drunk) to screw in the spare bedroom, he admitted it.:rolleyes::rolleyes:

I think I am very aware incase it happens again... but next time I would dump the guy straight away.;)

Ickle Magoo

I just knew. Not sure how, just had a gut feeling. He'd been back home for the weekend & I was studying so could not go. When he came back I just sensed something was different or he was very subtly avoiding my eyes or nervous, or something just not quite right.

I waited until other people who'd been home with him were present & I asked him about the weekend but watched their reaction. They looked across at each other with these big eyes, blushed & then looked at the floor. No more needed said & that was the end of that.

Wibbs

Dinkie wrote: »

I think you would.... it might take a while, but you feel uneasy, as there is something not quite right.

Hopefully I would, but I didn't before so maybe not.

My take is, with someone I care about that deeply, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and the trust they hopefully extend to me. If I find out that trust was misplaced, yes it's terribly upsetting, but I would rather place that trust and be hurt than live a life of always watching over my and her shoulder. Otherwise why be with someone?

Dinkie

But I think you can still trust. Not everbody cheats... and its very difficult to have a sucessful relationship if there is constant mistrust there.

I just think peoples routines, etc when they start cheating. If your partners routine, etc changes, you will notice something.

Amy33

prinz wrote: »

:eek: Probably are on you, if they're coming home to an attitude like that. Creepy to have such a low opinion of people. Ever seek professional help?

Er..No. I have been proved right that all men are cheats countless times.

prinz

prinz wrote: »

:eek: Probably are on you, if they're coming home to an attitude like that. Creepy to have such a low opinion of people. Ever seek professional help?.

trish990 wrote: »

Er..No. I have been proved right that all men are cheats countless times.

Well I for one did not take part in your experiment so it's findings are false.Again the common denominator in that, as someone else pointed out is you.

LegacyUser

Men who cheat aren't 'men', women who cheat are sl*gs. What is wrong with being solely with the person you are supposed to love? If you don't love them enough to stay faithful to them, then why are you with them?

You will only see signs if they feel guilty about what they are doing.

bubblewrap

trish990 wrote: »

[Er..No. I have been proved right that all men are cheats countless times.

My, you must have been a busy bee dating ALL men! What's your secret? :pac:

Amy33

prinz wrote: »

Well I for one did not take part in your experiment so it's findings are false.Again the common denominator in that, as someone else pointed out is you.

Well, believe it or not, I haven't had "countless" boyfriends I was actually also referring to friends and aquaintances husbands and partners, all of whom without exception have cheated.

As I said already maybe it's the circles I mix in...

shellyboo

trish990 wrote: »

Well, believe it or not, I haven't had "countless" boyfriends I was actually also referring to friends and aquaintances husbands and partners, all of whom without exception have cheated.

OK, so your assertion would be "all the men I know cheat". Not "all men cheat". Because unless you know every man on the planet, you can't claim that they all cheat.

Wibbs

Exactly. I mean in my circle, nearly all of the women have cheated and continued to do so, yet only one of the guys did, yet many of them have been cheated on. Does this mean all women cheat? not even close. Does it mean these guys(inc myself) gravitated towards slappas? Possibly, or just as likely, pure dumb luck.

In my humble, you can live your life as a paranoid and/or cynical wreck, looking for signs, which a lot of the time will force the bahaviour your so scared of(but secretly want to be proved right about), or you can live your life trusting and working on the one person you can make a difference with and that is yourself. Anything else is pointless frankly.

biko

I'd like more info from the OP before I can offer a suggestion.

John Mason

oh i will bite

if all men cheat who are they cheating with all the women ?

(taking in to account the men cheating with other men and women cheating with other women)

ergo all men and all women cheat

solved

now can we move on deal with the OP

beth-lou

trish990 wrote: »

Well, believe it or not, I haven't had "countless" boyfriends I was actually also referring to friends and aquaintances husbands and partners, all of whom without exception have cheated.

As I said already maybe it's the circles I mix in...

Just curious, but how have you been personally prive to every husband and partner of every friend and what they got up to. That is an astounding amount of information.

I have known some men to have cheated. Equally I have known some women to have cheated. In almost all cases, it came out or the relationship ended.

But I have known men and women who have remained faithful. Only time will tell if that remains so.

But I think it better to go into relationships hoping for the best. If the person you trust turns out to be less than trustworthy, or the relationship goes bad and someone strays, then so be it. But thinking that every person you will encounter will definitely stray is kinda sad. I don't mean that in a patronising way, but it is a very negative opinion to have.

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

now can we move on deal with the OP

+1 lets stick to the OP's topic please.