Why Can't I Just Move On?

LegacyUser

I Know this problem is going to sound downright Pathetic but I can't seem to move on..

I was married for 12yrs split up 7yrs ago after he cheated with my then friend, we are now now divorced. The break-up was terrible to say the least, very traumatic. For me personally, I was devasted, as I never saw it coming, i was truly broken at the time as i really loved him, losing my husband and best friend like that - the betrayal was soul destroying.

Anyway Since we broke up my ex has really treated me very badly - both physically and verbally abusive to me so much so i had to get protection orders against him. He has blackened my name to anyone that listens, doesn't support our children, and tells them lies about me. Tried counselling - it didn't work for me but have been dealing with it and getting on with things as best i can. .

I know He has changed for the worst and is not the man i fell in love with. I know i'm better off without him.

My problem is that he has had a few girlfriends since we split, which he's entitled to.. but it STILL really hurts whenever i hear about it.. just found out he is seeing a girl i know, and i feel like the knife being twisted again. It really hurts to know he is treating somone else the way he should've treated me. I don't want to feel like this. I know he is no good for me. And can never go back. But what can i do to stop feeling like this after all these years after all the hurt. I go out and socialise and have been chatted up etc.. and had the odd date or two, but nothing serious.. I just haven't met anyone i want a relationship with yet. I wish i did! I've told friends etc i DON'T want to hear about him and his new gf; but secretly i do... if only to hear its over, which it's not and i'm left feeling awful again. It's like i don't want him, but i don't want him to be with anyone else either??

I do remind myself how badly he treats me, he's like jekell & Hyde. But why am i like this, even after all this time. Is it jealousy? Or am I just a sad pathetic woman? Is it just that I haven't had a proper relationship since? As i said i've been out with guys myself, and get loads of offers of "one nighters". My friend used to say "Best way to get over one man, is get under another!".... that doesn't do it for me, besides i just haven't met anyone i'd get into proper relationship with.

How exactly does one "Move On" and stop this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach? I know my ex's business is his and shouldn't affect me like this, but it does.. am i the only person like this? It doesn't help either that he lives close by and i see him most days.

Thanks for taking time to read this and i would be very grateful for any advice on how to just get a grip? Thanks

Babooshka

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyway Since we broke up my ex has really treated me very badly - both physically and verbally abusive to me so much so i had to get protection orders against him. He has blackened my name to anyone that listens, doesn't support our children, and tells them lies about me. Tried counselling - it didn't work for me but have been dealing with it and getting on with things as best i can. .

I know He has changed for the worst and is not the man i fell in love with. I know i'm better off without him.

Thanks for taking time to read this and i would be very grateful for any advice on how to just get a grip? Thanks

Hi

The extract above is the most important part of your post. Try focusing on that. I'm sorry for what happened to you but it sounds like you need to work on your self esteem before even attempting another relationship anyway as you seem to be being quite hard and mean on yourself.

I also think you're trying to justify him being abusive towards you and you think now he has a girlfriend that he must be a changed man and he treats her like a princess, therefore perpetuating your low self image, that he must have been right to treat you badly, which is the downward spiral all abusive relationships are based on. It's not necessarily real or true picture though and he's probably not changed an iota, you don't know how he's treating this other woman. But that's all irrelivant really anyway.
He treated you bad = he didn't deserve you, and it wasn't your fault.
So move on, it doesn't matter what he does now. Best thing you can do is work on yourself.

Someone close to me was married to a cretin who tried to drag her down, he's been through 3 marriages now and before he married the woman after her, he told her he'd always love her and that he missed her terribly. She walked away. Just because someone's in a relationship, doesn't mean they are "fixed" or have changed their behaviourisms. Best of luck anyway, why not try venting with a counsellor again, it takes time.... or if not for you, just get out there and enjoy yourself for a change. Put yourself first. He blew it.....

carlybabe1

Unregistered wrote: »

I Know this problem is going to sound downright Pathetic but I can't seem to move on..

I was married for 12yrs split up 7yrs ago after he cheated with my then friend, we are now now divorced.

Anyway Since we broke up my ex has really treated me very badly - both physically and verbally abusive to me so much so i had to get protection orders against him. He has blackened my name to anyone that listens, doesn't support our children, and tells them lies about me.
I know He has changed for the worst and is not the man i fell in love with. I know i'm better off without him.

My problem is that he has had a few girlfriends since we split, which he's entitled to.. but it STILL really hurts whenever i hear about it.. just found out he is seeing a girl i know, and i feel like the knife being twisted again. It really hurts to know he is treating somone else the way he should've treated me. I don't want to feel like this. I know he is no good for me. And can never go back.

The above highlighted are most important.
1)You could be wrong, he may always have been like this and you just didnt see it, though its unlikley.
2)Hes had a few girlfriends, till they caught sight of the person he really is and dumped his ass
3)Why would it hurt you to know that hes treating someone else like s*it??, Its not like he was the man of your dreams OP, he did the dirt with your best friend, hes treating you like crap now, and if he was treating them as well as your euphoric recall is suggesting them he wouldn't have had a few girlfriends since you split, he'd be settled down by now. Seven years is a long time, you need to start remembering the bad times OP, and get some perspective, just imagin if you couldnt have gotten rid of him, left in an abisive relationship with him out catting around and bringing home god knows what to you??? I think you should count you and you're children lucky.

LegacyUser

thank you both for your responses and your both correct - especially the "catting about and bringing home god knows what to me" comment - can't believe i forgot that - even tho i did go to STI clinic once i found out what he did - thank god i was ok... but thanks for reminding me of that fact, he did actually put me at risk.

Again - thank you both for taking time to put it in perspective for me ...these are things i have told myself over and over - but that knot in the stomach feeling just won't shift - i guess i need to work on it somehow, horrible feeling

Babooshka

Unregistered wrote: »

Again - thank you both for taking time to put it in perspective for me ...these are things i have told myself over and over - but that knot in the stomach feeling just won't shift - i guess i need to work on it somehow, horrible feeling

That knot is normally anxiety, and a feeling that something's not right in yourself. I know it's a pretty awful feeling but as long as you're worried about what he's doing you're neglecting yourself. I really hope you start looking after yourself, the knot will start to loosen once you let his, or anyone else's grip on you loosen for good. Best of luck, there are good men who will be better suited to your needs out there. The person I told you about who was married to the guy met someone else and married again last year at 49, and is very happy now, so don't give up, life changes for the better all the time.

LegacyUser

Thanks Babooshka, it's great to hear your friend got on with her life and is happy. I hope to god by the time i reach 49 i'll be well past this rediculous feeling.

And i think your right in saying i have allowed him to keep a grip on me and my feelings. I know we are all responsible to some degree for how we feel in certain situations, and possibly i'm letting myself be bothered by it , afterall, i've been doing it since we split, i just need to keep remembering what a nasty piece of work he really is.

Babooshka

That's the spirit! But try not even giving him that much room in your head any more - your head space is too precious for that. Focus on you, if you build yourself up and try getting some interests outside hanging onto yer past you'll be out of it a lot sooner than you know, best of luck to you missus x