No Life, No Friends, No Hope

LegacyUser

Hello boarders,

My problem is simple:

I have no friends. Absolutely noone. I know you will say "There must be someone..." but the fact is there isnt. Noone.

There is no possibility to socialise at work (People are older & married and the location isnt near a pub or anyting anyways). Work do have social nights but none of the people in my department go and I'd feel like a spare ging by myself.

I tried a couple of courses and got on well with people there but once the course finishes, I lose contact. I never ask for their number of anything. I think they would think "Who is this weirdo?" And anyways, they never ask for mine either (Which I guess isnt a good sign!)

I play sports but again never socialise outside actually playing ball. We play for 1 hour. As soon as the hour is up, everybody takes off immediately.

How do people manage to stay in touch with people who are such casual associates?

Stheno

Not being harsh, but a lot of people feel like you.

To make friends and get to know people, they would go to the work socials despite noone from the department being there, they would ask for numbers from people on courses, or chat to the people they play ball with.

Often it's not a case that people don't want to get to know you, they might feel just as you do

Give it a try and you might be surprised.

cafecolour

You basically have to get past your fear of rejection and self-consciousness. In your head you're thinking "I can't go talk to people, they'll think 'why is this moron talking to me?'" They don't, unless you're trying to talk to the hottest girl in the room, or a teenager

You just talk and have polite small talk with people. 1 out of 10 or such you'll click with, and are also looking for friends.

Definitely go to the work drinks. It's not about departments - it's the people who like to drink with coworkers and want more friends versus those that don't have other engagements. If you don't know anyone there, go up to someone (start with someone else alone if you need to) and say "Hi, I'm XXXXX. I work in XXXXX department. Which part do you work in?" And that can start some work small talk. Repeat as necessary.

For classes and sports events, two options:

For big groups, arrive early to the class/event. A few people will be hanging around and making small talk. Approach someone and introduce yourself.

For a smaller class or the sports team, just can say loudly, to no one in particular "Anyone feel like a pint now?" at the end. The first time, you'll likely get no takers, than just shrug and say "No? Okay, next time." At least it's in their heads. Then try it again a time or two later. You may get takers this time.

Ideally, you can combine the two - start by talking to a couple people before class. After, ask them if they feel like going for a pint. If they are up for it, you can then say to just a few people around - we're going for a pint, any of yall want to join?

I know all this because I was exactly like you, and took these steps, and now have plenty of friends. No lie.

Overheal

No Life, No Friends, No Hope

Drama much?

Life is what you define it as. You don't need friends to have a life. After all where would the Hermits and Clint Eastwoods be? Some people like to go it alone.

No Hope? Not helping yourself talking like that.

There is no possibility to socialise at work (People are older & married and the location isnt near a pub or anyting anyways).

So because they aren't your age and are married and theres no alcohol - you can't socialize? I mean after all who says you can't snag a nice MILF without getting her drunk?
Anyway from that I read that you are a very rigid individual and afraid to step out of your element. Very self-concious too, and focusing on alchohol perhaps as a crutch. For a start, you need to learn to try new things, learn how to talk with people you normally wouldn't, and learn to do things on your own (without a crutch)

I never ask for their number of anything. I think they would think "Who is this weirdo?" And anyways, they never ask for mine either (Which I guess isnt a good sign!)

Well unless you ask, how will you ever know?

Maybe you just need to develop your conversational skills. You can't get anywhere with just "mmhmm. mhm. Yeah. Right." - Thats just a one-sided conversation. Express opinions, and talk. When you find yourself in a good chat, and say, you need to cut it short (I gotta run) thats when you can go "..But hey why don't you give me your screen name or phone number?"

You can't always be the one to wait around and hope someone will ask you for your number. Try walking on the other side for a little while: Identify what you like to see in other people, then do it yourself.

Cormb

defo try to get to know the folk you play ball with or work with better - suggest going for a drink or heading to the cinema. Once they see you are making an effort, most will reciprocate and it will get easier.

username123

MisterUnreg wrote: »

There is no possibility to socialise at work (People are older & married and the location isnt near a pub or anyting anyways). Work do have social nights but none of the people in my department go and I'd feel like a spare ging by myself.

So in fact there IS a possibility to socialise at work but you are afraid of feeling like a spare ging. Why not go to a work night, walk up to anyone and say 'lord - the people in my department are desperate - none of them coming out, I thought Id fly the department flag - so what dept are you in then?' and take it from there.
You need to get over the spare ging fear - big time.

MisterUnreg wrote: »

I tried a couple of courses and got on well with people there but once the course finishes, I lose contact. I never ask for their number of anything. I think they would think "Who is this weirdo?" And anyways, they never ask for mine either (Which I guess isnt a good sign!)

While the course is still in progress arrange a social event, few drinks, coffee after the course - whatever. Repeat same social event a couple of times and then ask for the numbers of whoevers company you enjoyed - so what if they think 'Who is this weirdo?' - if they think that they wont be giving the number so you wont see them again anyway!!!!
Again - this is a fear you need to get over.

MisterUnreg wrote: »

I play sports but again never socialise outside actually playing ball. We play for 1 hour. As soon as the hour is up, everybody takes off immediately.

Same advice as above - organise a social event for your sports group.

MisterUnreg wrote: »

How do people manage to stay in touch with people who are such casual associates?

Because they either go to the social events organised or organise them themselves - thats all there is to it, its not magic.

You sound like you dont like to step out of your comfort zone, you need to if youre gonna mix with new people and make friends.

There are also options like joining sites like maybefriends.ie and going on their organised social events, or joining evening classes like salsa dancing etc..... (I had one male friend who joined salsa dancing and he was VERY much in demand cos he was the only male in the class, it was literally the work of seconds for him to say 'hey lets go for a few drinks' and next thing he is in a pub with 10 women vying for his attention).

LegacyUser

I thank you all for your replies.

Yes, I suppose I was being a little dramatic reading back on what I typed!

Regarding the work drinks, I do go to most of them but they dont come around that often so I do make an effort there, And there are a couple of people at work that I would keep in touch with if anyof us left so I guess they count as friends. But dont really socialise with them outside work.

It really is strange how you guys can know what a person is like with such a brief description. Ye are right, I am afraid to get out of my comfort zone and until I find the courage to do it, I will probably always be like this.

Thanks again.

~Trixiebelle~

cafecolour wrote: »

You basically have to get past your fear of rejection and self-consciousness. In your head you're thinking "I can't go talk to people, they'll think 'why is this moron talking to me?'" They don't, unless you're trying to talk to the hottest girl in the room, or a teenager

You just talk and have polite small talk with people. 1 out of 10 or such you'll click with, and are also looking for friends.

Definitely go to the work drinks. It's not about departments - it's the people who like to drink with coworkers and want more friends versus those that don't have other engagements. If you don't know anyone there, go up to someone (start with someone else alone if you need to) and say "Hi, I'm XXXXX. I work in XXXXX department. Which part do you work in?" And that can start some work small talk. Repeat as necessary.

For classes and sports events, two options:

For big groups, arrive early to the class/event. A few people will be hanging around and making small talk. Approach someone and introduce yourself.

For a smaller class or the sports team, just can say loudly, to no one in particular "Anyone feel like a pint now?" at the end. The first time, you'll likely get no takers, than just shrug and say "No? Okay, next time." At least it's in their heads. Then try it again a time or two later. You may get takers this time.

Ideally, you can combine the two - start by talking to a couple people before class. After, ask them if they feel like going for a pint. If they are up for it, you can then say to just a few people around - we're going for a pint, any of yall want to join?

I know all this because I was exactly like you, and took these steps, and now have plenty of friends. No lie.

+1

Excellent post!!

I think everyone goes through phases in their lives, when they feel lonely and lost touch with friends that have moved on. You need to remember to be positive about yourself. You sound like great person!:) Dare i ask if you are not long out of a relationship? is that why you are feeling at a loose end??

LegacyUser

"I think everyone goes through phases in their lives, when they feel lonely and lost touch with friends that have moved on. You need to remember to be positive about yourself. You sound like great person! Dare i ask if you are not long out of a relationship? is that why you are feeling at a loose end?? "

Nope, Have not been in a relationship recently.

ashwoodvale

IMHO,there is no such thing as friends,the only people you can trust is close family:mad: