Puting off having sex...

LegacyUser

I've been seriously dating this guy for 3 months now and we've been 'sexually active' for about a 2 months. Our first experience together didn't go over that well because nothing could finish him off in the end but his own hand. He told me that its because he hasnt been dating people for awhile and hes just used to himself..and that he'll try and slow down on masturbation...next morning we try again and he goes soft after 10 minutes. He later tells me that the reason why he went soft was because he knew i was upset about the first time and it was too much pressure to preform.

2 weeks went by and FINALLY we had sex again and everything went over well...no issues. But in the meantime and since then hes been making constant excuses as to why we cant have sex ..too tired, not in the mood...i get these...its not a problem..but ALL the time? i think the worst one I have heard is "i didnt know i was going to see you so I already masturbated today"

From a male perspective..can some one please tell me if something seems strange with that?

He never offers oral sex (even though i do) or even other methods to get me off (toys, hands, etc). He told me he's been cheated on before and I'm starting to worry that this is why...maybe i'm just being silly but we're both in our early 20s and I feel that sex is an important part to a relationship..and considering we are still at an early stage i feel like lack of sex shouldnt be an issue.

I just need some advice..or at least an opinion

thebigfella68

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been seriously dating this guy for 3 months now and we've been 'sexually active' for about a 2 months. Our first experience together didn't go over that well because nothing could finish him off in the end but his own hand. He told me that its because he hasnt been dating people for awhile and hes just used to himself..and that he'll try and slow down on masturbation...next morning we try again and he goes soft after 10 minutes. He later tells me that the reason why he went soft was because he knew i was upset about the first time and it was too much pressure to preform.

2 weeks went by and FINALLY we had sex again and everything went over well...no issues. But in the meantime and since then hes been making constant excuses as to why we cant have sex ..too tired, not in the mood...i get these...its not a problem..but ALL the time? i think the worst one I have heard is "i didnt know i was going to see you so I already masturbated today"

From a male perspective..can some one please tell me if something seems strange with that?

He never offers oral sex (even though i do) or even other methods to get me off (toys, hands, etc). He told me he's been cheated on before and I'm starting to worry that this is why...maybe i'm just being silly but we're both in our early 20s and I feel that sex is an important part to a relationship..and considering we are still at an early stage i feel like lack of sex shouldnt be an issue.

I just need some advice..or at least an opinion

technically your in the honeymoon period and should be going like rabbits???? at least for the 1st 3 months

as a guy, you can defo do it even if you jacked it during the day, particularly if he's a young guy

maybe he has a fantasy, or jacks it too a particular fantasy or fetish ask him to find out, if its too wierd don't do it but if its ok you should consider it?!

anyway imho looking at a real live women, undressing, and in the flesh is the biggest turn on especially if he has only been mastaurbating for while

he could have a personal problem, maybe something medical thats embarrasing for him, and doesn't share with ppl, but if your relationship is serious to him he'll let you in

thats all i can think of at the moment

good luck with that then

cafecolour

Sorry, if he's constantly avoiding sex, I'd say he's simply not attracted to you. At the most extreme, he could be gay and in denial, at another, he could be so addicted to porn a 'real woman' isn't doing it. You've only been going out 3 months, get out of the relationship.

Hartyk87

Maybe hes putting it off is because he doesnt have the gutts incase hes not doing you service give him some confidence and should be ok.

you seem very understanding and kind so there shud be no problems.

suspectpackage

haha, that jacking off excuse is hilarious!!

I masturbated 3 times yesterday morning and had sex twice with my girlfriend last night. maybe it depends on the guy but... hmmm.

the guy is obviously not comfortable with banging you. its an issue he has. I've been there myself. Try to be as open as possible and NOT pressurise him. He is hiding something from you, believe me. Its a problem he has or an anxiety he has. Maybe explain to him that you don't care about sex but still want to have it because you want him and you want to work with him to make it happen. Something like that would have been the thing I needed to hear from my girlfriend at the time.

LegacyUser

Alright, slow down a bit here. I think those first two replies aren't exactly thought out. It's been my experience that most people in Ireland aren't ready for a mature sexual relationship be they 20 or 50. We have some serious hangups about discussing some things.

1.) STIs. Im going to assume that protection is always used but I like to bring up the issue of testing early in a new relationship so both people can be sure that there are no issues there to worry about. Maybe he is the same. The STI thing could be making him uneasy, both the worry of possibly catching one (not implying that you may have one but how would he know?), coupled with the terror of trying to figure out a way to start the discussion without offending you (it's also been my experience that frank discussion about the issue of both persons going of to get tested can meet a frosty reception) may be making him nervous as hell. The lack of offers to perform oral on you could point to something like this. Yes, I know STIs can be passed to him by him receiving oral as well but it's far less likely.

2.) Pregnancy. Are yee guys using multiple forms of protection? Lots of guys are terrified at the thought of an unplanned pregnancy.

3.) Experience. Maybe he hasn't been with many girls, hell, maybe you're his first and he's worried about performance and is getting flustered ect.

Maybe some of these concerns should be discussed with your sexual partner instead of going to ask strangers on the internet if they thing he's normal.

sardineta

I agree with the poster above: he may be having difficulties with his sexuality.

994

cafecolour wrote: »

Sorry, if he's constantly avoiding sex, I'd say he's simply not attracted to you. At the most extreme, he could be gay and in denial, at another, he could be so addicted to porn a 'real woman' isn't doing it. You've only been going out 3 months, get out of the relationship.

really doubt that, he just seems REALLY anxious. And the women in porn aren't any better than "real" ones, really. And it's a bit dispiriting to note that "get out of the relationship" is practically the default PI answer.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Sounds to me like he has a low sex drive and feels a bit intimidated by you. If you're ok with that try and work on it with him. If not, take the standard PI answer and cut your losses now.

pikachucheeks

To me, it sounds like the first few times might have put him off -

He probably feels like because he couldn't get off, or keep it up, he's a failure.
And he's nervous to try again.

Possibly feels like he can't meet your expectations / satisfy you?

I'd say talk to him about it - give him the opportunity to discuss what's going on in his head!

And if you go for it again, make sure you take your time, flatter him, make him feel good - boost his confidence!

Africa

Boost his confidence is right :P

Try things like sexy knickers, other things like that :P

Have fun with it! Make things sexy, he'll either come around(excuse the pun)!

eddie.fandango

Why are people attacking his sexuality? OP said that the first time didn't go so well; maybe this knocked his confidence a little and this has just snowballed into major anxiety. Both men and women know the amount of pressure there is to please your partner, especially the first time. He's making excuses too, which indicates his ego is bruised. And I completely disagree that this is an attraction issue.

What I would recommend is that you "start over". Try forgetting about sex for a little while, and each time you're together take things a little further and further until you become comfortable with each other again.... oh, and post pics for the rest of us if this works

LegacyUser

Seems like blatant performance anxiety, been there myself. Some of the replies on this are rediculous.

kmick

Sounds like laziness to me. He just cant be bothered. That will only get worse with time I would guess.

LegacyUser

I have to say, sadly I have suffered from the same problem, this was with a girl I was with for upwards of six months, she couldn't have been more supportive, I either got nervous and soft or just went numb, the only way I can describe it, and couldn't finish.

To this day still don't know what causes it and have been avoiding any sexual encounters since

CDfm

It sounds a bit like pre-match nerves to me. Shyness or inexperience or anxiety.

Slow down, buy a book, aromatherapy oils and candles.Anything as long as its sensual.:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

It happened to me. At the GP on an unrelated matter I fessed up and got a prescription for Cialis.

My manhood took on a life of its own. I had only to take it once and things fell into place.

turgon

OP, I would honestly say it is just anxiousness.

The first time I tried to have sex with a girlfriend of time past, I couldn't get a boner. She thought it was a problem with her etc, but I was just nervous or something.

Next time we met up we tried again but that anxiousness that it wouldn't happen didnt leave and same thing happened. This time she took it badly. In the end, that day, we literally had to hang out until I got a boner and as soon as I did just get at it straight away.

Every time we ever had sex after that it was always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. Sometimes I was even glad when it didnt happen. But that was becuase I got no encouragement off of the girl.

So just talk to him about it. Open up.

smileysurfer

Im thinking its performance anxiety too after the first few failed attempts. He seems nervous and afraid to fail. You need to reassure him and take the pressue off too.

Africa

See? This happens to a lot of guys. Just nerves. Just get him really turned on, and to just relax. Maybe start with a massage

reprazant

It is completely just nerves.

The first time he couldn't cum, and then he could keep it up. He is just scared that this will happen again.

Some of the responses so far have been hilarious. It seems that some people always think the worst.

Das Kitty

I agree with those who said Performance anxiety. Try catching him unawares, if that doesn't work you're going to need to have a frank discussion about it (awkward I know at this stage of the relationship).

Unregistered wrote: »

He never offers oral sex (even though i do) or even other methods to get me off (toys, hands, etc).

Have you tried asking for these things?