Depressed at 19

LegacyUser

I'm going un'reg for this one.

I don't know where to start with this one. I'm 19 and I feel totally wrong the last few months. I can't quite pinpoint whats caused it or what is causing it.

I've been in a relationship since I was 16 and i'm now 19 and she is 18. I am currently in first year college(again, repeating due to a mess up last year), I work part time all weekend and the odd late night during the week, I have a small circle of friends.

But over the last 2 months I have been feeling horrible. I have turned into an emotional freak! I could cry all day long, getting up in the morning is a mammoth task, so hard I'm worried it is affecting college. Getting up to go to work at weekends seems impossible too and I feel so down in work its also affecting my performance.

I know it looks like I've got everything going for me but to me, all this feels irrelevant. Material things, things that go on in my life, socialising all don't appeal to me anymore.

I use to be very energetic, love getting up in the mornings to go out, love going out socialising & very interested in everything going on in the world - but now? All I want to do is curl up and hide.

I am madly in love with my girlfriend and she is great to talk to and she loves me alot too. Sometimes I poor my heart out to her and she worries about me she tells me to get help etc, and I would love to talk to someone but I don't want to go onto meds - it would all feel "fake".

One thing that seems to becoming evident in my life now is a divorce my parents went through many years ago(10+) when I was a child. It did not affect me at all at the time but I feel alone at home, I dont have a dad I can look up to at home. I still have contact with him and see him every odd week but its not the same.

I have a large enough family (relatives) but I live at home with just my Mother and myself.

I could talk and talk but I feel this is getting too long. I'm scared and feel alone. I beg and beg everyday that I feel better, that I can feel happy.

To sum it up: I want everything to end, if I could die innocently (I hate saying this) I would. If I had nobody that loved me, family, friends especially my mother .. I wouldn't want to be here. I often think about suicide and it almost "releaves" me from feeling crap.. almost as an escape route. I'm only 19 and I feel like this and I can't bear what may lie ahead of me in the future especially with the current recession conditions.. I sometimes just feel I cannot be bothered with "life" its not worth the hassle.

I personally feel like I want to make a change to someone, do soemthing different, be unique. Music use to be a big part of me and its not as much so now but it really does affect my emotions and I love to listen to it.

Wow I can ramble alot.

I just needed to vent on here I read PI daily and I can really relate to alot of posters.

star-pants

OP - you have ambition, you have future plans, you're caring and considerate and seem like a lovely person. These are great things to have.
You might do well to speak to your doctor and see if he/she can refer you to a counsellor. Noone has to go on meds if they don't want to, it's not always the course of action. Having therapy sessions may do you the world of good, figuring out what's got you down and learning to deal with it and make the best of your life.

You're not alone in the way you feel, but you *Can* do something about it.
Good luck x

feylya

With stuff like this, you need to just go to the doctor. As you're in college, I'd assume there's a free doctor or nurse you can go and talk to. There may also be a possibility that you've had a change in your diet that may result in the feelings you have at the moment but a doctor is the only one qualified to find that out.

greengreengrass

Hi DepressedYouth,
Your post really stood out to me, my heart goes out to you, because I've been in the same position when it comes to depression, and am going still going through the struggle.
My advice to you is to go and get some councelling. I was terrified of doing this for many years, it's daunting having to go and talk to someone, but like yourself I was also not keen on the whole medication aspect of things.
The counceller I go to is wonderful, and I am positive there are plenty of them out there, she understands my view on the whole medication aspect, and believes that although it has it's place, depression is sourced in emotional issues, and the key to resolving it isn't necessarily through taking pills.
You by no means have to go on any medication, remember it is your choice. Just in case you are curious however, I was worried about feeling "fake" as well, I wanted to get better, and not just have a shroud over the negativity, and my GP offered to put me on a very mild tablet called Lexapro, it did help my mood pick up slightly, just to take the edge off at the start when I was going through the very difficult months, but by no means did it shroud my emotions. Just letting you know, just in case you find you are really, really struggling at the start.

I have been where you are now many times, where it feels like there is no way out, but please just hang on, things do pick up, and you WILL feel happy again. It will lift. Please get yourself some councelling, it is unbelievable how much it can help you get through this. You will find someone to help you out of this, give you support, will understand where you're coming from and not judge.
If the whole college aspect is adding to your stress, if you have an academic advisory office, or similar, they usually make allowances, and give extensions on assignments etc, if you find that you are really struggling. You could give them a ring, and see what your options are. You will be surprised at how understanding and accomodating they are for students suffering from depression.
Just try and focus on getting yourself some help first before worrying about the other things, your health is much more important than trying to get exams done, they can always be repeated. That aspect is not the end of the world-although at the time it can seem massive.
Please know that you are not alone in what you are going through, I hope that you find some help for yourself to get out of this.

If you have any questions for me or if I can be of any help just let me know.
Best of luck.

Overheal

feylya wrote: »

With stuff like this, you need to just go to the doctor. As you're in college, I'd assume there's a free doctor or nurse you can go and talk to. There may also be a possibility that you've had a change in your diet that may result in the feelings you have at the moment but a doctor is the only one qualified to find that out.

In addition the college should have a counselor on the staff, with whom you can schedule a free confidential appointment. Check the college website and it should be easy enough to root out the counselor's webmail address. You do not have to go on meds unless you choose to go on meds - besides, counselors don't prescribe meds, they are just superb listeners.

cafecolour

Go to your GP. You can get counseling without going on meds (many of said meds which are actually shown to have averse affects on people under 25).

Exercise regularly (as serious, get your heart pounding exercise, not quiet walks). Make sure you are eating well and taking your vitamins. Seriously, these things make a major difference.

sunstar

hi op, i can relate to you too.sometimes its just so hard especially when in college and its such a social environment. ..everyone expects everyone to be out having the craic, drinking basically having the time of their lives. and then you just feel like ****. you laugh along with your friends in public and then you cry alone. the fact that everyone else seems so happy..like i mean genuinely happy in comparison makes you feel worse. then i wonder maybe its all a show like myself...
its just so hard...and i feel so bad for you op for having to go through such a crap time.but when you come out of it..and you wiill!you will be a stronger, more undersanding emphatic person. that is what life is about. everyone cannot go around in a blissfull bubble protected from the harsh realities of life. when the bubble bursts and you hit the ground that is when you feel real. op, you have the ability to feel such raw emotion, do not even consider to exchange this for feeling of nothingness in death.:(that is why i,like you, would not like to take medication because i know that feeling this sadness will make me appreciate future happiness.if we never had experieced such pain..how would we know what true happiness is?but you need to seek alternative help in the form of conselling. you need to talk to someone.if not an actual professional why not give the samaritans a call?

no one has everthing and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. the trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.

x