Breaking up, feeling down........

Nervous Wreck

Girlfriend of a year broke up with me on Thursday night. Horrible. Said she'd felt like the spark was gone and had felt as such for a while. There was a 7 hour break-up basically so a lot of info passing through to each other.... Previous night she'd been at a party and stayed up chatting to some guy till 8am. Said she'd flirted a little and in a way wished she'd had a little more freedom.... That ****ing hurt. (Before anyone asks, no, she didn't cheat. I know her well enough to not even need to have asked).


Next day, we'd been texting, she was in work I was at home. Both of us had just been crying all day and feeling crap. I asked if she could come to my house later to talk about some stuff so she said yes and she got to my house around 10:30. I started by saying that it would really hurt me if she did-so i'd prefer she didn't-get with that guy she'd been flirting with at the party on Sunday (yep, today). She said "It's not gonna happen" and when I asked why, she said I'd blown that whole thing out of proportion and it just wasn't gonna happen anyway. She was angry that I was "telling her what to do/not do" but I said "I'm not telling you you can't do anything. If you wanna get with this guy, go for it; I'd never tell you what to do. What I'm doing is asking you to respect my feelings cos it'd be really hurtful and really embarrassing if you did that and I just wouldn't really be able to handle that", which I think she got. She was also angry about it because it wasn't the reason we broke up, just a symptom of her feelings pre-breakup.

I then moved on to saying that I'd wished she'd told me previously when she'd begun to have doubts about us, so I could have maybe made the extra effort to have fun etc. Her big reason I guess is that the fun was gone from the relationship for the last while but I reasoned "You've been working 60 hour weeks for the last 5 weeks and I'm not supposed to be leaving the house at the moment cos I just had surgery last week so it's put a strain on things and we haven't been able to have much fun." I said that when her 60 hour weeks stop (a week from now), we'd be able to spend more time together and see each other more to get the buzz back. So anyway, as I said above, I said I wished she'd told me when she started having doubts so I could try work on things. She replied "There was nothing left to work on, I just wasn't into the relationship anymore..." Which is, I guess, my final answer.....


So tonight, two of the lads that we work with are leaving the job and having going away beers and we're both going. Which'll be fine, I guess. We're both adults and she'll probably be hanging out with the people in the department she's currently subbing in, so I guess we won't have much interaction.... But it's a small small bar in work. And that guy will probably be there. And there's a party at his house after that everyone's invited to... Thankfully, I explained the sitch to the lads and they're all gonna bail out of the afterparty to hang out with me and we'll go pubbing or whatever.


I guess I don't really know what I'm looking for in the way of advice or whatever but I had to get it out of me cos there's potential for a really bad buzz this evening and I just needed to rant..... Though if anyone has anything helpful to say, I'd really appreciate it? We've decided to keep our contact to a minimum for the foreseeable future, until such a time as we're comfortable being around each other again.... That's gonna be quite hard as of a week from now though, when she comes back to my department and I'm her supervisor again... But cross that bridge later I guess... Dunno how to act tonight I guess... If I was honest, I'd say I'd love to talk to her and I'd love her to ditch the party too and come have fun with the rest of the gang so that maybe we could have some relaxed fun together... But that's not gonna happen... Maybe a polite hi and bye....

Thanks for reading, if ye did. I really apologise for the rant, I'm just a bit over-emotional compared to other lads....

Cheers.

star-pants

Firstly *hug*
Secondly, you're not over emotional -- a LOT of people (guys and girls) feel this way and a lot worse after breakups. You seem to be fairly rational in your reasoning throughout this which is a good thing.

Thirdly - the break up
Well, yeah I agree she should have said before now if she wasn't 'feeling it' in the relationship. The fact she's felt this way for a while, coupled with the restricted time you guys have had recently, I'd say she's gotten used to the idea (whereas it's new news to you). So she'll be feeling differently to you about this, she's had more time to adjust (IMO).
You should have a rant, it is best to get things off your chest. And it's good that ye had a talk about things, at least that way you both got to say what you wanted.
And it's good that you can rationalise that things are over (it's the best way to look at it) and are making sure that you have the guys around you to keep you distracted.
The party tonight (I feel) will be awkward to an extent, as ye are only just broken up, people will see that both of ye are there and some of them may not know yet, so a few comments (asking how each other are or otherwise) may be said. Regarding that other guy, whether she talks to him or not, you're doing a good thing to steer clear for now.

I didn't realise until the end of your post that you two work together, which is going to be somewhat tough, as her supervisor you will have to deal with her on a daily basis, but for the moment I suggest being civil/professional about it, you don't have to be short with her, nor do you have to be overly friendly. She's aware that things can't be as they were so you guys will adjust to that.
Keeping contact to a minimum is a very good idea, doesn't do either side any favours otherwise. And if/when ye feel ye can talk again, then you can.

Not sure if any of this was of any help, but just know that you're far from alone, a lot of us get heartbroken, and best thing is to keep busy / occupied and make sure you have fun with your friends. Best of luck x

Nervous Wreck

Hey, thanks your post actually really did help. The part about her already having dealt with it somewhat and so being in a different place is very true. It's hard to handle as well though. When we were texting on Friday, at the start of the day she was sayin like how much she loves me and misses me and how hard everything is etc... But by that evening, she was barely replying at all.... Felt like she'd dealt with it alot throughout the course of the day... Feels horrible....

Thanks though. As I said, yer reply did help somewhat.

star-pants

It does feel horrible, I do understand.
I recall a bf that I'd just spend a long w/e with, with his family and friends and it had been a fairly savage weekend. He was very attentive etc. But then a day or so later he was very quiet with me, and on the wednesday he rang that evening saying he didn't think we were going anywhere. I was gutted cuz I'd gone from a good w/e to that. Within a week he was dating another girl and they're still together 2&half years later!

Nervous Wreck

Eugh, holy f*ck that's horrible... If she started dating someone new now, I'd just be broken.... Doesn't help that when she breaks up with someone, she's generally with someone new quite quick.... Whether it's situation or rebound or whatever, it just seems to happen. We started seeing each other within a week of her breaking up with her last bf, and she started seeing him within a week of breaking up with the bf before.... Dunno how those lads dealt with that but it would really destroy me.....

star-pants

well if that's her pattern, just be prepared hun -- as horrible a thought as it is. If she usually bounces back with someone new, it may happen this time. IF it does, ignore it, don't stalk, don't enquire, you don't want to know. Hopefully she won't though

LegacyUser

hello,
i really sympathise with what you're going through, having had a 3 year relationship end recently for the same reason: the spark had gone (only from her point of view). Added to this she started meeting someone else immediately afterwards. This was a few months ago and some things I've learned are:

As her doubts grew, her feelings towards you probably decreased gradually, and it is much more difficult for you to just turn off your feelings overnight.

But the pain they cause does go away. You should limit contact with her, and try not to think about her. If you start thinking of her, try to do something else: visit a friend, read a book or whatever.

In my case, I suddenly had a lot of free time, so if there's any hobbies or sports you like, this can be a good time to rekindle an interest in them, and it helps to meet new people.

Try not to have any regrets about what you could have done if you had known she was feeling this way. After a year, she probably knows you well enough that a few gestures wouldn't have made any difference.

You can't tell her what to do or what not to do. It won't help you in any way, and will probably just cause her to turn against you. But hopefully she will have enough sense not to do anything with this other guy at the party, when she knows you are there. I'm sure she knows that this wouldhurt you a lot, and it doesn't sound like she wants to hurt you anymore than is necessary.

It's best not to hope that ye will get back together. It will prolong the pain. If she does change her mind, then you have to consider if anything has changed that will make your relationship work better.

And finally, you don't sound more emotional than most guys. I used to wakep up and feel lonely, and start remembering all the nice times, and I would have tears rolling down my face... But it's best not to be too emotional in future dealings with your ex-girlfriend. In my experience, telling her how sad you are, and how much you love her just causes suffering for both people.

I hope this helps even a little bit.

Nervous Wreck

Yeah if it happens, I'll be totally disassociating myself......

Wibbs

I think you've handled it well so far. Hard though it was and will be for a time. I look at it this; if someone chooses to leave, let them leave. Don't chase or plead, beyond the very initial shock. Dont get into the friends thing until you're well over her and I have found when that happens you really have no interest in being friends anyway in most cases. Being friends is good for her and pointless for you. Fully realise it's over as quickly as possible. If that's too hard for you then fully realise the old relationship is over and while it's possible a new one may start with her again, do not live your life based on that.

muboop1

i could almost swear that was my ex... down to everything!(guy she was with last i checked was also her supervisor, together approx a year etc) weird..

anyway im very sorry to hear this happened to you.

best you can do is just stay away from her tonight. id keep the drink to minimum until you get out with your lads, as alcohol around her... well i know id have a go or try talking resulting in tears or a fight.

is a possible future get together even a possibility?
if so give it some thought! its not just a break for her, its one for you to!

step back, were you happy?
what do you want? do you want to keep things as they are? or would you be happier in future if she wasnt there. these are harsh things to say i realise but that is how i personally would have to think about it.

i know i always keep in there if i love the person, but aside form loving her, does she make you happy more then she doesnt?

having said all that, if she sees someone you work with, thats just poor form, shows you what she is made of, possibly for the best your out of it.

dude, the end is this, you will feel better i promise!
someday mabey not very soon, but it will happen!
best you cna do it try to just enjoy all other aspects in your life.

mabey cut the texting contact for a week at least?
you said a week from now there will be more time to spend together due to work.,

step back until then and arrange to meet up at such time.

you will hopefully have a better grasp of the relationship by then!

and both of yous can decide if you want to give it a try then!

estar

she gets wth someone else a day after going out with you and its someone you both know

shes a savage and you are having a lucky escape.

theres manners - and that is the height of ignorance and disrespect.

for herself and you.

Nervous Wreck

Thanks a million guys, I really appreciate all you've said. The whole thing is really hard and there's a part of me really hoping for a reconciliation at some point....

To keep you updated (those interested) on last night etc... Well, it turned out we went to the pub for some carvery and pints. She came along and the whole thing was kinda awkward, being that I didn't really want to speak to her too much cos I didn't want to MAKE things awkward.... Turned out she'd been out the night before and was really tired and hungover so she wasn't gonna stick around and, presumably, wasn't gonna go to the party.... I don't know for a fact that she didn't go to the party but she said she was just goin home to bed, being so tired from work and being out the night before....

I went to the bar with two of the lads and we were chatting away about me and her and everything that was going on and we were gone for a good while. After a while, she came over and said she was going home. She hugged the two lads (the ones that we won't really see again cos they're leaving work) and then hugged me and asked "Are you alright?"... Trying to remain as aloof as possible, I just kinda went "Huh?" and she asked again and I think I just said like "Yeah, are you?" and she said she was just tired...

So we pushed on to another pub and I got talking to one of the lads that she's gotten close with in work. He's kinda been her confidant or whatever so I'd assumed he wouldn't be talking to me very much. Turns out he was really sympathetic to me and to her. We talked a good bit and when I mentioned the other dude, he said "He's a ****in prick man, I hate him" so that's good for me I guess? Anyway, then I got p1ssed and had a great night!!! Today, I still feel down... But at least last night wasn't as horrible as it seemed it'd be...

muboop1 wrote: »

i could almost swear that was my ex... down to everything!(guy she was with last i checked was also her supervisor, together approx a year etc) weird..

Ha, that'd be very strange.... Is she 22 in June?!

muboop1 wrote: »

is a possible future get together even a possibility?
if so give it some thought! its not just a break for her, its one for you to!

step back, were you happy?
what do you want? do you want to keep things as they are? or would you be happier in future if she wasnt there. these are harsh things to say i realise but that is how i personally would have to think about it.

i know i always keep in there if i love the person, but aside form loving her, does she make you happy more then she doesnt?

All very good questions. I'm hoping there is a possible future but I really don't know. Part of me just keeps thinking "she's going through some weirdness right now but she'll cop on in a few weeks and realise what she's missing and everything will be fine"...... But thinking like that ain't gonna get me far.... To quote High Fidelity... "That's suicide... by tiny, tiny increments."

I wasn't happy all the time... Neither of us were really. We're very different people and not really each others' types.... But that kinda added some flavour. But also, some doubts... So yeah, I mean I felt strange and worried about the relationship alot.... But I loved her to bits so I didn't care if we were different or if we weren't gonna end up getting married. I just loved being with her.


What do I want..... Our relationship was basically based on fun. We hung out an awful lot because we were really comfortable to hang out alot. We liked doing the same kindsa things (like finishing work, getting a few bottles and sitting in with a DVD etc) and we did some cool **** like taking a dance class together. Ultimately, that's what I want. I wanna get back to having that kinda fun with her....


She always made me happy more than she didn't...




Sorry for the long post again guys....

Nervous Wreck

Eugh, just found out that I was apparently crying drunkenly last night. Had to text one of the lads to make sure it doesn't get back to her. Don't wanna look like I'm wallowing too much....


Am I crazy to hope that she'll get this out of her system and realise she misses me? Is it too much to hope for? It happened once before....

LegacyUser

You seem a bit confused still. But that's really normal when such a thing happens. As time passes you you'll be emotional about her less and less, as other things are happening in your life.

Most of what you're saying is good such as realising that you weren't always happy with her. Lots of people have been broken up with and have bad thoughts thinking what they could have done, or if they just weren't good enough. But maybe you just weren't right for each other. If the relationship had lasted longer, maybe you would be breaking up with her...

Maybe she will realise what she is missing, or maybe she won't. But i think you can understand that if are thinking about that all the time, it will eat you up. Be strong!

LegacyUser

keep us updated i hope ye get back together but u seem like a nice guy youll have no problem finding another if it comes to it

Nervous Wreck

Thought I'd update for you guys.



A week on, and we're still broken up. I've been feeling down and losing myself in drunken nights out so that I don't have to sit home alone and feel crap. She's seeing that guy now, since Wednesday. We work in a Theatre and the guy is with a show that's headed to the UK on Sunday. He'll be gone. When I asked how she could disrespect my feelings like that, she said she was just trying to follow her own. It's sad but, in a way, I'm not even that angry... Just sad. I just miss her. I told her we can't be friends, but we've still got to work together..... Anyway, looks like that fairytale ending was really just a horror-filled beginning... Time to move on.

star-pants

I'm sorry to hear that NW, but you're right it is time to move on.
Try and keep her out of your life as much as possible. Getting out with your friends is good but I would cut back on drinking as alcohol only increases your depressing feelings.

Nervous Wreck

Thanks a lot star-pants... I'll heed your advice about the booze....