Approaching my Father for the first time in 15 years

Jafin

Hi guys,
so like the title says, I want to approach my father for the first time in 15 years. Im almost 20 and have only 1 or 2 memories of him from when I was little. My mother raised me alone for the past 15 or so years and I remember I used to ask her what happened to him and sh'd always say "I'll tell you when you're older." Oh, just a note before I forget, they were never married, and after my mother bought the house when I was almost 2 he didn't live with us, just visited.

Anyway, as the years went on, I became more shy about asking and never really mentioned it again. Then a few years ago, one of my uncles was due to get married and my mother told me out of the blue a couple of months before the wedding that my father was going to be in the band playing at the wedding. According to her, my face went pure white as a sheet and se said to me that I wasnt expecting her to say that. She gave me the option of contacting him before the wedding instead of just seeing him at the wedding. Coward that I am, I said I didnt want to contact him. So a few months later the wedding day came and I remember I was nervous the whole day. After dinner when the band were setting up, my mother leaned over and said that he hadn't shown up, but I had noticed when we were having drinks outside near the bands van that one of the guys kept throwing me glances when they were moving the instruments into the function room. Now I will admit, that may have just been paranoia getting to me and I could have imagined the whole thing.

For years all I knew was his name, and then when I saw my birth certificate when I was 15/16 it said under his name that he was a plumber, so I thought yay that narrows it down a fraction. Funnily enough, I found his address in the phonebook, and knew it was the right man because I remembered the address on the birth cert being the same.
So I sent a letter around that time, just asking why had he left etc. and said we were still in the same house. Needless to say, I never received a reply.

A few months ago I decided to google his name, and eureka! I found out his full address, mobile phone number, house number, he's married (I think) and owns a shop. There was one other piece of info but I dont want to give everything away just in case someone reading this recognizes the description.

Basically I just want to know does anybody have a similar experience as I dont know how to approach him. I cant just turn up at his house, and I despise talking on the phone (yes I'm weird :P). I had had an idea to get a second simcard and send him a text and see if he replied, but I dont know about that one. Not only do I want to get to know him and find out why my parents split up, I want to know do I have brothers or sisters? As an only child i've always yearned for a sibling and would love to have some. I know I should just talk to my mother about it but whenever I try to bring it up I just get a lump in my throat and chicken out of it.

A big thank you for reading my terribly long story and any replies more than welcome. Thank you very much.

Joey the lips

Hi Jafin, I have no real answer on this. To me reading the letter it sounds like your dad may have a new life and has not told his current wife about his past. That is his problem. You exist and I think you have right to contact your parents but its not nice to see anybody get hurt and I think your risking him rejecting you as he has not answered you.

Why dont you ask your mom to approch him on behalf of you. At least they can be honest with each other.

I have posted simply to wish you all the best and bring your thread to the top of the pile. I hope someone with experience in this area can help. Remember that no matter what happens your mother was always there and you are not loosing anything by trying so dont get upset if it does not work out,

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

I'm going unreg for this.

I've been exactly where you are. My folks split when i was 2. I never heard from my dad again until i was around your age.

I got someone to do the initial contact and it was all arranged. To be honest it was a complete waste of time.

My advice would be not to get your hopes up too high. He may not want you around any potential siblings.

When we did meet we spent a few days together and I learned all i need to know.

I did ok without him before i met him, just like you have and if it goes wrong you'll still be ok without him.

Best of luck OP

CDfm

I am a divorced guy with a son almost your age and a daughter. The Irish system tends to leave lots of Dads with no contact -Its the way it is.Thats in the past.

Your Dad played or was due to play at your uncles wedding so there isnt any feuding going on and people are fairly civil. It sounds more like awkwardness and emotional hurt. I nearly lost contact with my kids.

I think you have 2 options - to do it yourself or go via a 3rd Party(unlike Joey I wouldnt think your Mum is appropriate) and if you need help there are fathers groups and I used one for access -so you can pm me for contact details and I can put you in touch.

My own view would be call around to see him at his house (preferably) or business. That would get a better response than phoning IMHO. Just call up and ask is he in and just give your first name and if asked what its about just say its business. If he is out ask when he will be back and leave your first name and mobile number and call back then. I work in sales and thats a fairly sucessful approach on cold calls.

He has had 17/18 years and already has an idea it would happen. Not all contacts with parents are successful for orphans even -but in your situation you havent heard anything bad.

I would just do it and take a chance. Its all you can do.

Timing -well - you both have put it off - it wont get easier by not doing it today and wonth affect the outcome.

LegacyUser

I have been in the exact position your in. I think you need to take courage in your hands and approach him. A word of caution thou please sign up for counselling and attend before and after you meet him. You can never really prepare for how your going to feel and it probably, even with the best case senario (as in my case), will not go how you think. I was in shock for weeks I just felt numb and confused and that was when it went well. You need to deal with this in your own time but your going to have to take that bold step at some point. At least you will know thou and you can move on with your life.

Miss Fluff

While you are estranged from him and not adopted, you might also like to ask the advice of the kindly folk in the Adoption forum as I'm sure a lot of posters there would have experience of tracing an estranged parent.

Nevyn

Send him a letter and express how you want to get to know him, but you contact detail in it and you would like to meet with him and see if he gets back to you.

Jafin

Wow, a big thank you to everyone that replied, I wasn't expecting such a big response. I will try and take everybodys advice on borad when making my eventual decision.

LegacyUser

I was similar, my dad left the country when I was 4 and returned when I was 19. He just landed and phoned to meet up.

I'm really sorry I met him. I was so disappointed. I think anyone would be disappointed with the kind of guy that fecks off for 15 years and doesn't contact their kid. Selfish.

I was quite happy with what little memories I had, my mum never bad mouted him.

The fact that he fecked off for 15 years says it all really.

I can't believe he lives near you and hasn't introduced himself. My dad had Austrialia as an excuse (pathetic excuse).

My opinion is if he hasn't made the effort to contact you, I wouldn't bother. Keep your happy imagionary thoughts and go on with your life. Its his lose.

CDfm

Unreg -sorry your Dad turned out to be a disappointment. Its one of those things

I can only say having divorced etc myself going thru the courts to see my kids was a nightmare and I know lots of people that give up.I honestly cant say how would we feel about each other if we had lost contact.

Try not to be judgemental and as David Bowie said try not to meet your heroes and you wont be disappointed.

LegacyUser

OP as others have said try not to get your hopes too high about him, my own father was a walk away as well and the biggest disappointment of my life was the pathetic excuses from him for not seeing me. I didn't want him to excuse himself I didn't want anything from him but he felt he had to try and justify being a coward.

Now before I get abused I know what the courts are like when it comes to dealing with parents who split, but to me those are weak and arrogant excuses from men not strong enough to deal with the burden of having a child.
As much as it may be difficult for fathers having to deal with their estranged partners while trying to see their children, its far far harder for those children left to grow with no father seeing everyone else with theirs and feeling somehow incomplete.

OP you have got this far in life and there isn't really anything a father can do for you now, its worth trying to have a relationship with him if it works but if he turns out to have no interest then do not let it trouble you men like that dont justify the title Father.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

OP, I sincerly wish you the best of luck with your father. I hope you get to know him and get all that you want from the encounter and that you develop a healthy relationship.

A lot of people have had some very interesting things to say about this issue and they're all right. My father walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me and came back into my life at the age of 13. It's complicated and i won't bore you with the details, but it is probably the most difficult thing to come to terms with ever. Even if it goes well I think you can have all sorts of baggage.

In my case, it's gone ok. I see him every so often, but I'm a secret to his children which is hard. I don't think that just showing up at his house is the way to go, IMHO, it is possible (unlikely) that he hasn't told anyone about you, and even if he has, maybe he's not ready to see you just yet. And i think if you show up unannounced you could open a can of worms for yourself and be very hurt by the outcome. I think a softly softly approach is the best way forward. My father got in contact through a third party with my mum and then my mum told me and we met about a year later. I still struggle with the ramifications of meeting him and wonder if it really was best, but I think it was. He's not the best man in the world, but I know that with the support of my mother, friends, counseller and boyfriend that I am a good person who is capable of dealing with it. I would advise you to take someone with you when you go (if you go) and make sure you tell someone you trust and who loves you, because even if it goes perfectly you'll still need someone there.

Once again i wish you the very best of luck with everything.

Jafin

Thanks again for the further replies.

Forget to mention one detail which is more than likely important. I know it's possible that his wife (if thats who the woman living with him is) does not know of my existence, I assume the rest of his family do, as I know for fact that my Godfather is one of his friends, despite never having met him, or at least not having any memory of him.

Anyway, I'm not going to rush any decisions I make, this will more than likely be something I will still have to have a good long think about for another while yet.

CDfm

Well you take care OP -the world needs kind and conciderate people like you.

LegacyUser

My father left when I was a baby and my mother told me who he was and all. I wrote to him when I was 13 - I knew where he lived. Told him I'd like to get to know him etc. He got in touch with me and we started to meet on weekends. It was weird getting to know him but nice too. I ended up living with him when I got older for a while and we get on great now. He has 2 other children and I'm glad I know them, they're family. You should go ahead and just be yourself. You'll be surprised how much ye have in common.

Beruthiel

Jafin
I can only imagine the different mix of emotions you must be going though.
Please do not get your expectations up too high.
Remind yourself that any man who only lives up the road from you and hasn't kept in contact, is a man not to expect too much from.
Obviously I could be wrong, but at least if you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed.

shivvyban

Hi, I grew up in a very different yet completely similar situation...
I was born in the states and have two younger brothers. My parents split when I was about 2 and me and one brother moved to Ireland to be brought up with my granparents. A little while later the younger brother was brought over. My dad was in the american air force so he moved a lot and my mom, well, lets just say she was in no fit state to have children anywhere near her.

On and off for 20 years I heard from her. It was tough. I grew up in a small little country town where everyone knows everyones business and we were the kids with the 'junkie' mother who didn't care. There's more to the story but I'm not going into it. There's stuff people don't even want to know.

Anyhow, it was horrible not having my mom there. It seemed like all my friends had the perfect life and nothing ever went wrong in their families apart from the few minor issues that occur in every household. I had an image in my head of who my mother was and what she would be like, etc. At that point I didn't know about the drugs... its amazing what you can find out when you type someones name into google....

I met her last year having not seen her in 20 years and with no memory of her. I found out loads of stuff I didn't need to know and that no child would ever want to know or believe about their parents.

My one piece of advice is go into this with both eyes wide open. I'm not being negative just drawing it from my own experience. I never knew just how messed up things could be or get but then again my situation was extremely complicated, extreme, weird and american.

But then again, it could be great... just look at both sides of the situation.

Best of luck with whatever you choose to do, Jafin!

LegacyUser

Going unregistered.

Dont be to negative to the OP.

THere are some very positive things being in the story.

Jafins Mum has told him who his Dad is and while she doesnt discuss him is not negative and irrespective of her own feelings has not been negative.

We dont know what happened but Jafins parents come across as being decent and hardworking.There is a Godfather named who presumably he can approach.

As a Dad I can imagine situations where you could loose contact. It happens via access problems etc and I was in the situation myself where I said ok this child does not want to see me and its too distressing for me to continue with contact. Thankfully over time we met.

Shivvybans situation is sad -but it does not hold true that it will be the same.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I think the issue you have is the emotional turmoil never having a father has left you with, no matter what- you will always have to deal with this.

My dad also left when i was 2 but i saw him regularly till was 20 and i havent seen him in maybe 10 years now, he used to get on the bus and not recognize me or come into the pub and walk past me, i had died my hair bleech blond but still lol


But besides the hurt i was in with both my parents over my childhood i had to take responsibility for the position i was in to make my life better and dealing with that lump in your throat is the way to freeing yourself from the pain of the past.

When you can get to a place where your father can walk into a room and you dont get a lump in your throat then you know you are emotionally free from him.

I worked through all of this in therapy and my identity is now about me not my story or my past just me now,

recently i have heard my dad has cancer and at the moment i am wondering weather to see him or not but it did not take over my life because i now have many skills emotionally to deal with my emotions from all the therapy, this is the key i can never control what happens in life but i can control how i react to it.


You come across like a very decent bloke, having to live with no father can also give you a compassionate edge toward others,

You could write him a letter expressing how you feel about hiom and not send it, start getting it all out and then you may feel stronger to approach him,

best of luck op xxx

Elessar

*sigh*

Like others, I was in a very similar situation. Do not get your hopes up. DO NOT. He is not your "dad" and never will be. Just a biological father. A stranger. Nothing more. Do not be naive in thinking that you can somehow have some magical father-son bond or warm welcome or anything like that.

Regardless, you have a right to know information that could be useful to you (medical etc.) and some information to help you close off that chapter in your life. You also have a right to know if you have brothers and sisters.

Do not be afraid to make yourself known to his family, with or without his consent, if you feel that is the right thing for you. More than likely you will never be a part of that family, but siblings have a right to know you exist, and his wife does too. Satisfy your curiosity as much as you need and then leave it.

This goes for anyone in this situation.