I wish my brother was dead.

LegacyUser

I'm a male in my earlt 20's. When i was in my early teens my brother assulted me sexual and physically. When I was younger I was able to deal with it. But now i can't I wish he was dead. I can't stand him! I was going through my room the other day and found dvd's and present's he had given me for Birthdays/Christmas's etc and I just started to brake all of them! I honestly want him dead! What sould I do?

Miss Fluff

Does anyone know about the abuse OP? Have you sought counselling at all or have you tried to deal with this alone? A first step would be to talk to someone in www.oneinfour.com Is your brother in your life these days?

joolsveer

I think this is the right URL http://www.oneinfour.ie/.

LegacyUser

I know what I`d do....

But you need to report him, if he`s done this to you be sure he`s done it to someone else. What happens when you have children and they just love their favourite uncle who gives them sweeties and can`t understand why mammy doesn`t like him...

Come on OP take your power back from this monster and make sure he never gets to hurt anyone else like this again thats the best revenge. Then get a lot of counselling as suggested through one in four and live your life and be happy, survive this terrible ordeal and don`t let him win.

star-pants

when you're younger (this happens to a lot of children/teens) because it's someone close or someone you trust, it's almost that you accept it. Not that it's ok but in your head even though it's wrong and hurtful, as a child you will see some form of normality about it.
As you get older and realise why it didn't feel right - your more adult brain starts to try and reason it out and can deal with these complex emotions.

I suggest the same as the others - going to oneinfour or at least counselling. You need to learn to understand these feelings and learn to deal with them so you can move on and not have them restrict you in your life.
Regarding reporting him - obviously it's a big thing to put them/your family and yourself through but if you feel you can, then I'd do it. (see the counsellor first though) It will cause strain and tension, but if he did this to you then he deserves for it to be known about. As someone said, if you have kids, you'd never be comfortable with them around him.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - but please go and see someone - they can help you so much better than anyone here.

Reflector

get professional help now!!

It is really really important you deal with this now and not let it fester. Call a councellor and make an appointment.

eddie.fandango

OP, you need to take steps towards having your brother prosecuted. As cliche as it sounds, you owe it to yourself and to any potential victims that could suffer because of him.

CDfm

Get professional help.Im with the people who say contact One in Four.

Star-pants post is loaded with good sense.

If that results in prosecution that is not your fault and you shouldn't think that far ahead.

The help is for you and should have nothing to do with any consequences and it should not stop you..

I had a friend whose life was blighted by sexual abuse memories. You just need to put this behind you and need help to do it.

Best of luck

Reflector

Unregistered wrote: »

I know what I`d do....
But you need to report him, if he`s done this to you be sure he`s done it to someone else. What happens when you have children and they just love their favourite uncle who gives them sweeties and can`t understand why mammy doesn`t like him...

eddie.fandango wrote: »

OP, you need to take steps towards having your brother prosecuted. As cliche as it sounds, you owe it to yourself and to any potential victims that could suffer because of him.

I don't think this is sound advice, not until all the facts are presented.

Also it does not mean that he has done it to someone else. Is it possible that your brother might be gay? and he was using you as some sort of selfish exploration of that as he had no other outlet. The brother might not even be aware that what he was doing was assault. I think you should be very angry and certainly need to address the situation as soon as you can. Also I think that reporting him now would not necessarily help, not until you are sure that it is the right thing to do. I urge you to contact the people that other posters have suggested. They will be able to give you advice from experience.

My brother bullied and abused me for years. Now while it was never sexual it was still abuse. In my early twenties my brother turned around to me while we were at a family gathering and said that he was sorry for being such a dick for all of my childhood. This made me forgive him for all that he had done and we now get on well.

eddie.fandango

Reflector wrote: »

I don't think this is sound advice, not until all the facts are presented.

Also it does not mean that he has done it to someone else. Is it possible that your brother might be gay? and he was using you as some sort of selfish exploration of that as he had no other outlet. The brother might not even be aware that what he was doing was assault. I think you should be very angry and certainly need to address the situation as soon as you can. Also I think that reporting him now would not necessarily help, not until you are sure that it is the right thing to do. I urge you to contact the people that other posters have suggested. They will be able to give you advice from experience.

My brother bullied and abused me for years. Now while it was never sexual it was still abuse. In my early twenties my brother turned around to me while we were at a family gathering and said that he was sorry for being such a dick for all of my childhood. This made me forgive him for all that he had done and we now get on well.

I fail to see how this is any kind of excuse. Even if the statement marked in bold above is true, his brother obviously has a tendency towards abusing people in a weaker position than him; who knows how this tendency may have developed over the years. I wouldn't be too quick to assume this is an isolated incident.

I'm sure the vast, vast majority of homosexuals never abused their siblings, or anyone else, in an effort to explore their sexuality while growing up. The same goes for heterosexuals.

Reflector

eddie.fandango wrote: »

I fail to see how this is any kind of excuse. Even if the statement marked in bold above is true, his brother obviously has a tendency towards abusing people in a weaker position than him; who knows how this tendency may have developed over the years. I wouldn't be too quick to assume this is an isolated incident.

I'm sure the vast, vast majority of homosexuals never abused their siblings, or anyone else, in an effort to explore their sexuality while growing up. The same goes for heterosexuals.

It is not an excuse but I can guarantee that it is more common than one might expect. Also abusing younger siblings is very common and physical assault although not always sexual is also very common. If the brother had simply beaten him up every day for 5 years would everyone be jumping to report him to the police.

It is very common for any child to abuse(verbally or physically) people people in a weaker position than themselves and then grow up to be moralistic and non violent.

eddie.fandango

Reflector wrote: »

It is not an excuse but I can guarantee that it is more common than one might expect. Also abusing younger siblings is very common and physical assault although not always sexual is also very common. If the brother had simply beaten him up every day for 5 years would everyone be jumping to report him to the police.

It is very common for any child to abuse(verbally or physically) people people in a weaker position than themselves and then grow up to be moralistic and non violent.

If he had been beaten up for five years everyday, I would take more issue with his parents for allowing that to happen. But like you said, you've had experience with this, so I won't pretend I know more about it than you. Still though, sexual abuse is very far removed from physical abuse, they're a completely different issue that can have hugely different effects on people.

As for the your second point:The majority of the people I knew growing up never abused anyone, at least nothing past childish BS, and I don't think there's any comparison between hormone-fueled "butting-heads" and molestation. The one's who were inherently aggressive and abusive, by and large, are still the pathetic excuses for humanity they were years ago. Like I said, there are exceptions to the rule, but that's my own perception. Any thoughts on this?

Reflector

eddie.fandango wrote: »

As for the your second point:The majority of the people I knew growing up never abused anyone, at least nothing past childish BS, and I don't think there's any comparison between hormone-fueled "butting-heads" and molestation. The one's who were inherently aggressive and abusive, by and large, are still the pathetic excuses for humanity they were years ago. Like I said, there are exceptions to the rule, but that's my own perception. Any thoughts on this?

I have to agree with you here but I will add that maybe the brothers perception is hormone-fueled "butting-heads" and the younger brothers perception is "molestation". I think that it needs to be addressed by all parties involved and I feel that getting the police involved now may be a huge mistake.

Also on your last point. I met some people as a teen who I deemed to be utter scum. They seemed to have no other agenda than to make other peoples life unbearable. Now as adults I have heard that they are lovely people. I am a little suspicious but it does happen. The words kids can be cruel is very true and people certainly do change as they mature, sometimes for the worse but a lot of times for the better.

Anyway to the OP, sorry for running off but I hope that you can take the necessary steps to start the healing process.

Pub07

Reflector wrote: »

It is not an excuse but I can guarantee that it is more common than one might expect. Also abusing younger siblings is very common and physical assault although not always sexual is also very common. If the brother had simply beaten him up every day for 5 years would everyone be jumping to report him to the police.

It is very common for any child to abuse(verbally or physically) people people in a weaker position than themselves and then grow up to be moralistic and non violent.

I can't see how you are making a comparison between physical and sexual abuse, as if they are the same thing.

There is a huge difference between getting a bit of physical abuse off your siblings and getting sexually assaulted by them. Every young lad on the planet will get a few digs from his older brother(s) when they are children/teenagers. It mightn't be an ideal situation but it's just what older brothers do until they get some cop on and there is no long term damage, unless we're talking serious physical assaults which in 99% of cases it's not.

What older brothers don't do though is sexually assault their younger siblings. That is sick as f*ck. How can you compare physical and sexual abuse as if they are in the same realm of bad behavior? And how can you try and justify it because he 'might be gay'? Sexual abuse leads to long term issues which, unlike standard beatings nearly all kids get off their older brothers, cant be just forgotten about and moved on from easily. Hence why OP is so full of rage.

Ann22

What is the age difference between you?

Bubbles09

I think all perverts should be casterated in their senses and locked up for life :eek:

CDfm

Pub07 wrote: »

There is a huge difference between getting a bit of physical abuse off your siblings and getting sexually assaulted by them.

Theres also GBH ??

Abuse aint really about sex -its power and domination.

So at the very least as an adult you have a choice to cut him out of your life.

LegacyUser

There's a 11 year age differnce between us!

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a male in my earlt 20's. When i was in my early teens my brother assulted me sexual and physically. When I was younger I was able to deal with it. But now i can't I wish he was dead. I can't stand him! I was going through my room the other day and found dvd's and present's he had given me for Birthdays/Christmas's etc and I just started to brake all of them! I honestly want him dead! What sould I do?

you should have told someone all those years ago - keeping it to urself has obviously done you no good. Something should be done about ur brother. Seriously!!

dudara

Bubbles09 - Please take the time to read the Forum Charter and learn what is acceptable in Personal Issues.

Advocating violence is not permitted.

dudara

Bubbles09

sorry about that didn't think of it that way

Ritz for d'Lack

Unregistered wrote: »

There's a 11 year age differnce between us!

Folks, Please take my advice, - I know OP came on looking for advice but unless any of you has been in this position, all this concentrated spectrum of advice will probably only put the person under more pressure, and leave them feeling more confused.

Sensible advice has been offered, I don't dispute that - ie 1in4, but both DRCC (dublin rape crisis centre) and 1in4 have major backlogs and waiting lists - Min 3 months before OP will even be given a first appointment.

Prosecuting is something which the person should only feel ready to do once they have been counselled for some time. It can be a severly traumatic experience if they have to make a graphic in depth statement to the Gardai if they've never spoken to anyone about this before.

If this person wants to PM me, I would be glad to talk to them...

I'm very sorry this has happened to you, but unfortunately as the name suggests, it happens to 27% of all children in Ireland - or 1 in 4...

Please try to always keep in mind - you have nothing to be feeling guilty about, and you'll always have people who can help you through this, you just need to know where they are, and take advantage of that help when it comes along - you can't do this alone, and more importantly, you don't have to....

Reflector

Pub07 wrote: »

I can't see how you are making a comparison between physical and sexual abuse, as if they are the same thing.

There is a huge difference between getting a bit of physical abuse off your siblings and getting sexually assaulted by them. Every young lad on the planet will get a few digs from his older brother(s) when they are children/teenagers. It mightn't be an ideal situation but it's just what older brothers do until they get some cop on and there is no long term damage, unless we're talking serious physical assaults which in 99% of cases it's not.

What older brothers don't do though is sexually assault their younger siblings. That is sick as f*ck. How can you compare physical and sexual abuse as if they are in the same realm of bad behavior? And how can you try and justify it because he 'might be gay'? Sexual abuse leads to long term issues which, unlike standard beatings nearly all kids get off their older brothers, cant be just forgotten about and moved on from easily. Hence why OP is so full of rage.

I am not trying to justify anything but offering reason , but I don't just make a decision on how someone should deal with someone until the facts present themselves.
We don't know what happened exactly or until now the age gap between the siblings. Also how people respond to abuse depends on the person. Some people can just shrug things off and move on with their lives whilst others are affected deeply and need some help to get past it.
I only compare physical assault and sexual assault in the sense that they are both very serious and need to be treated as such. It is not ok for anyone to assault a child in any sense. If that is reckoned to be a few slaps that is still unacceptable.
In any case now we know that there was an 11 year gap between them this spreads more light on that he was a lot older. This to me makes it more serious. OP do take peoples advice here and contact someone.
Please.

LegacyUser

Pet, your animosity towards your brother is completely understandable. To decide what you want to do you need to talk this over with a counsellor. Has he kids of his own now or does he work with some. He may not offend again but there is a risk that he will.

Ritz for d'Lack

Reflector wrote: »

I am not trying to justify anything but offering reason , but I don't just make a decision on how someone should deal with someone until the facts present themselves.
We don't know what happened exactly or until now the age gap between the siblings. Also how people respond to abuse depends on the person. Some people can just shrug things off and move on with their lives whilst others are affected deeply and need some help to get past it.
I only compare physical assault and sexual assault in the sense that they are both very serious and need to be treated as such. It is not ok for anyone to assault a child in any sense. If that is reckoned to be a few slaps that is still unacceptable.
In any case now we know that there was an 11 year gap between them this spreads more light on that he was a lot older. This to me makes it more serious. OP do take peoples advice here and contact someone.
Please.

Reflector, I am sure that your intentions are good, but you are way off the mark here... NO ONE can ever just "Shrug Off" Sexual Abuse, and it is insane to even think like that.
It can affect the confidence of the person throughout every aspect of life from dealing with confrontation right through to their careers, it can affect their ability to trust, emotional relationships, physical relationships, it will almost inevitably lead to other family related issues regarding parents, siblings, it can split families - depending on whether the person is believed by the other members of the family or not, it can cause severe depression, suicidal tendencies... I've never known any case of physical abuse which leads to such far reaching consequences...
you mention that both are serious - correct - but the levels of severity are oceans apart. They can not be compared.

OP, I am available to talk to you if you wish...

Taltos

OP

am going to attempt to break down your initial mail and not focus too much on the mixed replies.

1st - you are now expressing anger/rage issues as a result of this abuse. For your own sake you need to seek help for this. If not - best case you may learn to cope yourself (but doubtful) - worst case - you may end up hurting either yourself or someone else through an outpouring of this rage. At a min you could end up pushing away the rest of your family as they see you seemingly behave irrationally - who knows they might even suspect you are on dope etc...

2nd - your brother (read abuser) - abusers rarely just attack one person. Do you really believe he just abused you or could there be more out there - maybe even in your own family - cousins / nephews / neices... How many more will there be..

Address your rage first, get counselling and seek advice from your counsellor on what you should do, this might also involve seeking legal advice. reporting him might be difficult - you might feel like your family is blaming you - but in truth you were a child - your family should have been protecting you - they failed. Please don't fail some other child - if he has offended once there is a risk he could offend again. Also keep in mind you really are not alone - some of the respondents above have offered to talk - but maybe go thru a counsellor to join a program etc where you can discuss your feelings with folk who have been similarly scarred and abused.

Reflector

Removed by poster as going off topic.

renraw

OP - I'm sorry to hear what happened to you when you were at such an important part of your life. I had a friend who was repeatedly abused sexually, be an uncle of hers. She is now 29 and only until about 5 years ago she kept it to herself, raising her own family etc.. She would become very depressed and withdrawn until one day she couldn't take it anymore. I eventually managed to talk to her but it wasn't until she went home to her husband that she told him what happened. Needless to say, he wasn't happy.

To cut a very long story short, she knew she had to go to the police and at the same time see a counsellor. She is now a different person. If her uncle had been let get away with this, he would have keppt doing it to children. It came to light that she wasn't the only person who was abused by him but she was the first to talk. For you own sake, talk to someone you can trust because you may not be able to deal with this by yourself. With that extra support you can find a way to sort this out.

People who sexually abuse children are a danger and they themselves need vital help before they build a pattern and repeat their actions. Its your brother so if the gardai do become involved and you have seen a counsellor, you will be able to deal with this because my heart goes out to you after seeing myself, what such actions have on people.

My friends uncle is currently serving a jail term for repeated abuse and I dread to think of what could have happened if he hadn't been stopped. The most important thing is, only you can decide on what to do but do talk to a neutral party, wether its your doctor, samaritans etc...but do talk with someone.

Ritz for d'Lack

Ritz for d'Lack wrote: »

Reflector, I am sure that your intentions are good, but you are way off the mark here... NO ONE can ever just "Shrug Off" Sexual Abuse, and it is insane to even think like that.
It can affect the confidence of the person throughout every aspect of life from dealing with confrontation right through to their careers, it can affect their ability to trust, emotional relationships, physical relationships, it will almost inevitably lead to other family related issues regarding parents, siblings, it can split families - depending on whether the person is believed by the other members of the family or not, it can cause severe depression, suicidal tendencies... I've never known any case of physical abuse which leads to such far reaching consequences...
you mention that both are serious - correct - but the levels of severity are oceans apart. They can not be compared.

OP, I am available to talk to you if you wish...

OP, if it wasn't clear already, I am also a victim of sexual abuse. It happened to my sister too. The perpetrator was a family member. For circumstances which are too long to go into, I had to give a statement before I ever got to go to counselling, it lasted for 7 hours for the first statement I gave, and it was the first time I ever spoke of what happened. It was without doubt the hardest thing I've ever had to go through...
I'm now in counselling, but this event has torn my family to shreds - my mother doesn't believe us, but actually defends and is still in touch with the perpetrator. This whiole event has destroyed me, and most relationships around me. I have lost a lot of close people around me, many who just couldn't cope with me being this low. I came close to losing my job over it. Counselling has stopped me from losing my job altogether, but more importantly from committing the ultimate low act, and there were times that I tried...

YOU MUST GET HELP.

It is THE single most difficult thing to come forward to even talk about it, let alone make a statement. I'm not the answer to your problems, but all I can do is offer a hand. I wasn't able to come forward until my sister confided to me what happened to her. My first words were "he got me too..."

I am available to talk to you if you want

I apologise if this post is beyond the regulations and it gets me in trouble, but sometimes you have to put everything on the line in order to stop this from getting worse for someone else in my situation.

LegacyUser

My uncle touched me inappropriately when I was young and I didn't say anything coz I was afraid people wouldn't believe me but when he touched my younger sister a couple of years later I felt so guilty for not opening my mouth all those years ago and stopping him from doing it to others. No1 believed her until I told what he had done to me.

LegacyUser

eddie.fandango wrote: »

Even if the statement marked in bold above is true, his brother obviously has a tendency towards abusing people in a weaker position than him; who knows how this tendency may have developed over the years. I wouldn't be too quick to assume this is an isolated incident.

See the above marked in bold. You have about as much idea as the rest of us which is why the OP should contact the people mentioned in the first post (one in four)

eddie.fandango

Unregistered wrote: »

See the above marked in bold. You have about as much idea as the rest of us which is why the OP should contact the people mentioned in the first post (one in four)

Sorry....what?