Not really sure

LegacyUser

tl;dr

I’m not even sure how to start this, but i’m pretty sure i’m some sort of crazy. I could hazard a guess at what sort, but it’ll probably be off.
I suffered a wee bout of something akin to psychosis about a year ago, went and saw a psych and got told that i was just paranoid and to snap out of it. Fair enough, it was essentially just that, and I when it broke i can recall finding it quite difficult to figure out what was real and what was less real.
I’ve been working up to writing about this for the past however many days now, it’s just so ridiculously difficult to talk about any of this that it’s really starting to screw me. I’m currently in uni, and got kicked out of my apartment recently so i’m back home, which is driving me a whole different sort of insane.

I guess there’s a history of mental crap in my family, probably something up with at least one of the parents, the father had cancer which i was guiltily apathetic about to the max and still am i suppose. My sister was diagnosed with bi-polarity (should be a word) a few years back, and before that there were several years of her being massively depressed and etc. Etc. Figure she’d probably be the best one to tell some of this to, but i just can’t seem to.
When i think about saying something to someone, i just get really tight sort of butterflies and i just want to get away from it. So i stay quiet, and i guess it works, except that now everyone thinks i’m a good for nothing, financial black hole that can barely pass exams and doesn’t care about anything.
And from a third person perspective, it does look like that. I’ve been smoking weed for the past couple of years, although stopped about a yearish ago and switched to a herbal mix thing that’s legal. Same thing basically. Anyway, it’s my self medication, takes away the depression, the confusion, the hopelessness feeling(ness) and all that crap, but with it comes terrible lack of motivation or caring about much and i can’t focus on (eg) studying to save my life.

I guess delusions play an active part in my day, i generally convince myself that i’m smart enough to pass exams (which by the way i’ve got in aboot a month) and that i don’t have to worry and can keep smoking and not be depressed and be normal. Fantastic. Except it’s not. The delusions do sometimes extend to me being pretty sure i could do something along the lines of fighting rock balboa and winning.
The past week has been utter...just, dull i guess. I’d say hell, but hell’d probably be more exciting. I’ve been heavily just confused and i don’t know what to do, or what i am doing, and i nearly started ****ing crying when i actively tried to engage and sort some crap out in my mind without the help of smoking. Last time i cried i believe i was about 8, 12 years ago, long time.

I should apologise here for the incoherence of this layout, but i’m constantly typing so that the will doesn’t go away and at least i can email a shrink this or some such crap. I really don’t care about anything anymore, in a non-cliched sort of way. The thing i would most love to happen? World war 3, a giant asteroid impact, some global catastrophe where all of this crap wouldn’t matter anymore, and i could just start again.
The amount of lies that i’ve had to say in the past to avoid having to face and discuss this is pretty big, and i don’t even want to start thinking on that.
Thinking there might be something to the stereotypicality (also should be a word), i tried the whole cutting thing briefly, which turned out to be pretty bent. Just made me more pissed off that i’d look like a classic saddened person. Maybe that’s why i hate talking about this, i don’t want to be thrown in with the crowd. It’s probably it, but i don’t want to think about it that much.

Trying to think of anything else that’s worth mentioning, guess there’s the suicide issue, the best analysis i can give is along the lines of that statistic that said men think about sex every 6 seconds or whatever the bs line was. Well replace sex with suicide (yes, i have been listening to manson recently as well) and that’s my current mindset. Not in a really sad sort of way, it’s more of an intrigued “grass must be greener” this is ****, there’s no end in sight, life is screwed and that looks like a pretty easy way out sort of way. Having already experienced it to some degree with the sister, it does put me off though, i wouldn’t be a fan of having to put the family through it with the whole how could we not have noticed **** too. I think i can actually finally understand the whole cry for help thing, it does make sense now. Truth be told in utterness (no better place to start with honesty) i was about 14 inches away from shooting myself yesterday. Although i don’t think i was serious, i was just wondering what it would feel like, the lead up to it, i mean.
But then again, in a state like this i’m not to sure how much i can even bank on believing what i think. It’s a vicious sort of cycle.

So...um...that’s me done anyway, if anyone has any magical suggestions as to the easiest way i can (preferably psychically so as to avoid having to talk about it) at least try and make someone aware of my current lack of mental stability, that’ d be cool.

Cheers folks

sam34

the best advive you can get is to discuss this with a professional, not randomers off the internet.

Wibbs

I have to agree with sam34. This is definitely a situation that requires getting informed professional help for yourself and for a better future for yourself. Just realise that that better future is there in your power and your grasp and you just need a map to get you there.