He says I'm being negative but..

sunnyside

I think I'm being realistic and he's being unsupportive.

Any time I tell my boyfriend my problems or complaints he tells me I'm being negative and that it could be worse, I could be in the hospital dying.

Yesterday I was taking about my money problems, complaining that I have no quality of life anymore because after mortgage and bills, loans, income levy, I have minimal money for social outings, shopping and I can't afford to book holidays, none of the things I previously enjoyed. Same as many others just now.
Telling me I'm lucky to be alive really annoys me and isn't helpful. I know it's true but imagine if every problem in PI was answered with "it could be much worse, you're still alive"--that just wouldn't help.

His positive attitude is great but it's unrealistic. In his own situation he has a massive business overdraft and no money coming in just now. There are people waiting for cheques he can't send yet. He thinks this is all fine but I think it's time to be getting worried. When money does come in again the people will be paid and the overdraft will be right up at it's limit again. Surely there isn't much to be positive about there?

I'm not looking for financial advice here by the way, our finances are completely separate. Just wondering what others think because right now we are annoying one another. It's not just about money, if I complain about the rain, the neighbours stealing my parking space, any other minor irritations it's the same thing. I don't moan all the time honestly, I'm well aware how much better off than others I am.

ManOfMystery

I'm a positive person and would have a similar outlook to your BF (things could always be worse) but being positive - or negative - will only get you so far. You still have to take action to make things better. Have either of you taken steps to analyse your situations and come up with resolutions?

puglover

sunnyside wrote: »

I think I'm being realistic and he's being unsupportive.

Any time I tell my boyfriend my problems or complaints he tells me I'm being negative and that it could be worse, I could be in the hospital dying.

Yesterday I was taking about my money problems, complaining that I have no quality of life anymore because after mortgage and bills, loans, income levy, I have minimal money for social outings, shopping and I can't afford to book holidays, none of the things I previously enjoyed. Same as many others just now.
Telling me I'm lucky to be alive really annoys me and isn't helpful. I know it's true but imagine if every problem in PI was answered with "it could be much worse, you're still alive"--that just wouldn't help.

His positive attitude is great but it's unrealistic. In his own situation he has a massive business overdraft and no money coming in just now. There are people waiting for cheques he can't send yet. He thinks this is all fine but I think it's time to be getting worried. When money does come in again the people will be paid and the overdraft will be right up at it's limit again. Surely there isn't much to be positive about there?

I'm not looking for financial advice here by the way, our finances are completely separate. Just wondering what others think because right now we are annoying one another. It's not just about money, if I complain about the rain, the neighbours stealing my parking space, any other minor irritations it's the same thing. I don't moan all the time honestly, I'm well aware how much better off than others I am.

Look we don't have enough info here but all I will say, you be as realistic as you like but complaining about things will not fix them. I hate moaning murtles who are constantly complaining.

Why not be positive and get on with things. If there is something you can do to make your situattion better, then do it. If not then just get on with it and stop trying to bring people down with your negativity.

*Honey*

Sometimes we need a good old moan just to get crap off our chests - sometimes, you just need someone to agree. It often doesn't really matter if they agree, sometimes you just need to hear "yes, that's crap isn't it?".

If you are not constantly moaning about every single little thing in life (which is really annoying), then you're allowed a bit of a moan at times. However, once the moan is over and done then, then yes he's sort of right - it could be worse. It's not but it could be. It doesn't mean that you can't have a bit of a moan about things now and again but nor does it mean that you have to have the sun shining out of your arse 24/7 either.

It's a bit of give and take - you're both right and you're both wrong... or looking at it postiviely, neither of you are wrong (see what I did there??)!

Personally I do indulge in a bit of a moan about things at times but also try to see the silver lining when the clouds appear.

sunnyside

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Have either of you taken steps to analyse your situations and come up with resolutions?

Well I know where almost every cent of my money goes at this stage, I have all my bills and outgoings reduced to the minimum and am almost living as if I'm unemployed even though I'm working. Not much more I can do, payrises unlikely in the "current economic climate".

His business involves event management. There's always an element of financial risk involved and he's very experienced in the business so he knows what he's doing. Nobody in 15 years has ever gone unpaid but they have sometimes had to wait for payment. I'm afraid that's going to become a more common occurence. Small businesses like his are very dependant on the credit that the banks aren't so generous with any more. There doesn't seem to be anything obvious he can do. He just hopes for profit on the next event. Profits when they come are in big figures but many events just break even and a few will always operate at a loss. If he stops organising the events there will be no chance of income.

As I said our finances are separate so and I'm not looking for financial advice specifically. It's more about the different attitudes causing friction.

puglover wrote: »

but complaining about things will not fix them. I hate moaning murtles who are constantly complaining.
.

True but I feel that I'm never allowed to say anything negative and sometimes I need to tell someone my worries. I can't see what's wrong with that:mad:I'm more than happy to listen to his problems too if he needs me to.

All advice recommends talking to someone about your problems and I need to do that sometimes. I can't constantly pretend to be upbeat and happy when I'm not.

LegacyUser

sunnyside wrote: »

True but I feel that I'm never allowed to say anything negative and sometimes I need to tell someone my worries. I can't see what's wrong with that:mad:I'm more than happy to listen to his problems too if he needs me to.

All advice recommends talking to someone about your problems and I need to do that sometimes. I can't constantly pretend to be upbeat and happy when I'm not.

I hear ya - sometimes it's just a matter of someone saying "I hear where you're coming from, but it'll all work out in the end".

Guys work on a practical level a lot of the time so when they hear your problem, they will try and solve it whereas you just want to put it out there.

He is under his own stresses and strains at the moment and yours then just add to his - he might be keeping how stressed he is from you and when you mention yours, he just panics a bit and tells you to stop being so negative.

Maybe talk to someone else about it for the mo'.

Wibbs

blllla wrote: »

Guys work on a practical level a lot of the time so when they hear your problem, they will try and solve it whereas you just want to put it out there.

A generalisation to be sure, but a pretty consistent one in my experience. Now there are men who are like this too, just as there are women not like this, but in general, as a bloke, I can talk about a problem to get it out there with the best of them, but, I wouldn't talk it all around the block just to get it out. I'm thinking about the problem out loud rather than thinking about my emotional reaction to the problem out loud.

I've learned over the years with exes and women mates, that a lot of the time, more than with me or my men mates, it's more about the pressure valve release rather than the requirement for solutions to the problem. Now I have learned to take a different approach with the female angle. Indeed I have even used it myself to get the emotional stuff released, as it can be valuable and is just as valuable emotionally.

I will say this that many, not all, but many women don't realise how much that release sounds like moaning and negativity to a man. It grates after a while. OK in small doses, but... Well with me I find I can just go with the flow, but then I am almost driven to push solutions and TBH it's a way to stop any further talk on the matter at the time. It can go the other way too. When I've been asked for advice and a solution by a woman, I've been accused of being too harsh in that advice. That's my fault when that happens.

If you feel the need to let this out(and its often good to do so BTW), just tell him that's what you're doing. It takes the pressure off him to provide a solution. If he sees the solution as "just" listening itself, he's far more likely to do actually listen. Few men will spot this naturally, so as I say tell him directly.

*Honey*

Wibbs - I've had to do that with my hubby .... explain that sometimes I just need a good old moan about something and then I'm fine again (sometimes I just need a big old cry about something too but it doesn't mean I'm having a nervous breakdown either)... it's a pressure release thing for me. He was worried at first that I was having major difficulties and I had to explain that no, sometimes I just need a good moan and you just need to say "Yes dear, that's awful" or somesuch thing and it'll all be grand. He gets it now, he does it well and we're both happy.

I agree that the pressure release thing can sound a LOT like moaning which is unpleasant for anyone to listen. But if you explain why it's happening, then it's far more understandable.

OP it could be that with you - just tell him "for the next 10 minutes I'm gonna have a real bitch about something - you just need to agree and then it'll be fine" - it could serve both your purposes!!!

Otis Driftwood

What would you prefer OP?

Response Type 1

It could be worse.


Response Type 2
Oh my God,your so right,what if you lose your job/house/possessions,what will you do then.We should just up sticks now and move to Peru just in case!!!!


Im guessing response type 2 would make you more stressed or worried so he goes with response type 1.Its fairly obvious your BF is trying to make you feel better about the worrying times we are currently going through and you are whinging about it?


Look around you at all the people that cant meet their mortgage,pay their bills and have no job,you are able to do all the above but have had to tighten your belt in terms of luxuries - holidays,shopping and socialising - and make no mistake,those are luxuries yet you are complaining?.

Ask some people that cant feed their children or are in danger of having their house repossessed would they swap their real problems for yours and see what happens.They would snap your hand off and ask for seconds.
Sheesh.

sunnyside

blllla wrote: »

Guys work on a practical level a lot of the time so when they hear your problem, they will try and solve it whereas you just want to put it out there.

He is under his own stresses and strains at the moment and yours then just add to his - he might be keeping how stressed he is from you and when you mention yours, he just panics a bit and tells you to stop being so negative.

Maybe talk to someone else about it for the mo'.

True he probably does see solving my problems as something extra he has to do. He is hugely stressed about about money these days. He has always operated with a huge degree of uncertainty in his business so he is more used to financial pressure but it's new to me and I find it stressful.

I feel guilty now for adding to his problems.

nedtheshed wrote: »

What would you prefer OP?

Response Type 1

It could be worse.


Response Type 2
Oh my God,your so right,what if you lose your job/house/possessions,what will you do then.We should just up sticks now and move to Peru just in case!!!!


Im guessing response type 2 would make you more stressed or worried so he goes with response type 1.Its fairly obvious your BF is trying to make you feel better about the worrying times we are currently going through and you are whinging about it?


Look around you at all the people that cant meet their mortgage,pay their bills and have no job,you are able to do all the above but have had to tighten your belt in terms of luxuries - holidays,shopping and socialising - and make no mistake,those are luxuries yet you are complaining?.

Ask some people that cant feed their children or are in danger of having their house repossessed would they swap their real problems for yours and see what happens.They would snap your hand off and ask for seconds.
Sheesh.

Response 1 annoys me, I'd be inclined to say that yes it could be worse but it could be better too.

I just need him to say something like "I know it's awful" and give me a hug.

Hope I haven't offended anyone who is unemployed/worse off than me. I know people have serious problems, I've been responding to them on other threads here.

Thanks so much for the replies, they have helped a lot

maninasia

He's running his own business in a recession, the things he has to manage are a hell of a lot heavier than you cutting back on holidays and shopping. Of course he's going to say 'it could be worse'....look what he is dealing with!

sunnyside

I know, I sound awful don't I. I made a serious effort to not moan about anything all weekend. The replies here helped give me some perspective on the situation.