Grown Adult still conflict with parents.

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

I'm an only child of 23 live away from home, but come home every so often. Since I've moved my parents respect me. I support myself. and I don't take money from them. My mum and stepdad occaisonly start on me. Especially my f**** stepcuntdad.

I'm so fuming now. I just can't tolerate this childiishness and rows. I'm wondering how the hell are you supposed to deal with these pressure cooker rows. They point the finger in my face and start shouting when they want something done, or something or another.


15 mins ago, just went into the kitchen, Stepdad would say something to annoy me like to turn off lights. I say YES. Then it's make sure the switches are off. YES. All silly things like that.

If this doesn't gets a hop. He'd say you better respect your mother more, you left the soup bowl at the other end of the counter. (I wasn't finished it) So it all came to a blow, cus I'm sick of these stupid rows where they blow at my face over it.

So naturally I blow a fuse too, then it's all bad, and I'm disrespectful etc. How dare I? Mam comes down gets involved basically tells me to the **** up etc. Now I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have this hostility towards other people, family members or housemates that I live with.

I'm heading away tomorrow, but there are less rows, but god these rows are just so stupid, they shouldn't even exist at this stage. Any advice on what to do. How to confront them? Any tips how to confront my stepdad over his constant pecking and nagging to start a row with me?

Conclusion, I had to walk away 3 times. And head to bed, and Stepdad barged in to defend his own behaviour AGAIN... I had to force the door slam and say I'm not dicussing this get out.

star-pants

Hey OP,

that sounds annoying alright. I'm 25 and still live at home and I'll be honest my family can grate on me too. Stupid annoying qs like what am I up to, am I not going to help (when theres 2other siblings who could) so on so forth.
My younger sister can be a royal pain in the backside & very disrespectful to my mother. But I've learned, and trying to teach my mother, that there's no point arguing with her, just nod / say yes /mmhmm etc. Don't raise your voice, don't antagonise the situation any more and as you said, walk away if you have to.

the point is - if he's always like this, then there's no changing him, so trying to reason/argue just won't work. Just say 'ok I'll check' etc or if you left stuff say 'i'm not yet finished' or 'i was just getting to that'. Get a lock for your room if you don't have one - I wouldn't tolerate someone barging into my room unannounced like that. (yet it does happen..)

I'm afraid there isn't much solution, at least you live out of hte home most of the time, that's good. And so just bite your tongue when you're there, he can't really rise up to anything if you don't give him anything. It's a pity your mother sides with him so much too.

bluecell99

How often do you go home?Was the relationship always like this with your step father?Do you think your mother is forced to take sides when you are in the house?How do you treat the step father when you go home?Silence?Sulliness or "good to see ya,how's things?"In other words OP the answer lies within yourself.You cant change othert peoples behaviour.You are an adult and can make decisions.Should one of these be not to go to the house at all if its sparking rows?Is it possible to meet your Mam elsewhere and have dinner somewhere for example.

Could any of this be solved by people acting like adults??

Lots of questions I know but maybe somewhere in there lies the answer.

Think about it.

BigCon

Don't go home anymore?

StormWarrior

BigCon wrote: »

Don't go home anymore?

+1. I wouldn't.

Or maybe invite them over to yours and then you have a go, nagging them every five minutes.

Oh The Humanity

Yep, dont go home anymore.

If they ask why simply and calmly state you are not into violence and confrontations.

Also, one of these days invite them for dinner in your place. For no other reason than to embarass them. Let them see how civilised people behave. They wont be able to abuse you like an errant schoolboy any more.

Their behaviour is absolutely pathetic and the fact that you are being goaded in this ricdiculous manner leaves you in a no win situation.

Simply stop going there and say to your Mother when she asks, which she will you wont entertain the behaviour any more. Dont get into an argument about it. Actually say she is more than welcome over at yours any time but StepcntDad is not.

anniehoo

BigCon wrote: »

Don't go home anymore?

That would be my solution too and use the reasons stated below

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

If they ask why simply and calmly state you are not into violence and confrontations.

Also, one of these days invite them for dinner in your place. For no other reason than to embarass them. Let them see how civilised people behave. They wont be able to abuse you like an errant schoolboy any more.

Their behaviour is absolutely pathetic and the fact that you are being goaded in this ricdiculous manner leaves you in a no win situation.

Simply stop going there and say to your Mother when she asks, which she will you wont entertain the behaviour any more. Dont get into an argument about it. Actually say she is more than welcome over at yours any time but StepcntDad is not.

Its not worth your peace of mind if your head is done in everytime you go home. If they dont realise that their behaviour is ridiculous they'll cop on soon enough when they havent seen you for 6 months. Its amazing the rows ive gotten into at home where that sort of thing wouldnt dream of happening in the "real world"!

Hazys

Hey OP try and be the bigger person, its not worth falling out with your family over small things.

I'm 24 and living away from home and get the same treatment when i come home. Pick up this, do that, etc. My parents still see me as their child (im also the oldest and first to leave home) so when i get home i think they like the way things used when we are grownig up where i had to do what my parents say.

I do like to be treated like an adult like the way i am in my own house and i dont get that at home but its pretty natural for your parents to treat you like that. I think its a small bit hard for your parents to see you move out. Dont worry about it so much u'll only get it when your at home, u'll have your inpedence and respect when your in your own house.

Try and enjoy the times when you are at home, I live in the US now and when i went home for last Xmas i basically didnt do much but sit on the couch and watch tv for the week. It kinda annoys me that id consider it a wasted week where i could have spent it on a beach somewhere but its really great to go home even if im getting told by my mum to wipe my feet before coming into the house every 10 mins.

username123

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Yep, dont go home anymore.

If they ask why simply and calmly state you are not into violence and confrontations.

Also, one of these days invite them for dinner in your place. For no other reason than to embarass them. Let them see how civilised people behave. They wont be able to abuse you like an errant schoolboy any more.

Their behaviour is absolutely pathetic and the fact that you are being goaded in this ricdiculous manner leaves you in a no win situation.

Simply stop going there and say to your Mother when she asks, which she will you wont entertain the behaviour any more. Dont get into an argument about it. Actually say she is more than welcome over at yours any time but StepcntDad is not.

Best advice on this thread - especially the last paragraph.

In your situation I would simply remove myself from visitations, and when asked why, explain calmly that I will not accept unacceptable behaviour and the behaviour of the stepcntdad is blatantly unacceptable. You can make it clear that if the stepcntdad is willing to modify his behaviour you may change your mind but for now if your mum wants to see you you will meet her alone, at your home or in a neutral public place but you will not go to a house where you are subjected to the ramblings and goading of a dysfunctional crazy man.

lushballs

Your step father's behaviour is petty. I'm wondering if there is a triangle relationship going on here. For instance, is your father getting back at your mother by 'going for you'? Does 'going for you' reduce the tension and take the focus off their relationship? What is their relationship life? By scapegoating you with petty issues, what issues about himself is he avoiding? Keep yourself safe and stay away from him until he starts treating you with respect. I like the idea of meeting your mother somewhere else.

Overheal

Stepdads are fine people, until they think you are trying to fcuk with their woman, then they get defensive. They don't have the same paternal instinct. Back in Reality, in the back of their mind, you are just another dis-associated sh!t. If you are good to them they will be good to you. If you step over a line they will treat you like some scumbag kid they've encountered on the street.

Unregistered wrote: »

Going unreg for this.

I'm an only child of 23 live away from home, but come home every so often. Since I've moved my parents respect me. I support myself. and I don't take money from them.

First off, good for you. Self-Dependance is a great thing to have at such a young age.

My mum and stepdad occaisonly start on me. Especially my f**** stepcuntdad.
I'm so fuming now. I just can't tolerate this childiishness and rows. I'm wondering how the hell are you supposed to deal with these pressure cooker rows. They point the finger in my face and start shouting when they want something done, or something or another.

When you pit aggressive-defensive behavior against agressive-dominant behavior, sh!t will hit the fan. Does no good to fume, or to yell back, or talk back. When someone is shouting and being aggressive they are not in control - thats where you have power over them, by being calm, being assertive. Theres no need to raise your voice, no need to show annoyance. If you do, it just leaves an opening for you to just take on more sh!t.

15 mins ago, just went into the kitchen, Stepdad would say something to annoy me like to turn off lights. I say YES. Then it's make sure the switches are off. YES. All silly things like that.

Let it go. A little submissive behavior/energy doesnt hurt - you are in his backyard, he is the big dog. When he's in your home, you get to be the big dog. No need to snarl at his ridiculous comments.

If this doesn't gets a hop. He'd say you better respect your mother more, you left the soup bowl at the other end of the counter. (I wasn't finished it) So it all came to a blow, cus I'm sick of these stupid rows where they blow at my face over it.

So naturally I blow a fuse too, then it's all bad, and I'm disrespectful etc. How dare I? Mam comes down gets involved basically tells me to the **** up etc. Now I'm not perfect by any means, but I don't have this hostility towards other people, family members or housemates that I live with.

Again, you're getting in the Ring over a bowl of soup. Not worth it. Not worth it. Not. Worth. It. It doesnt matter if they are completely in the wrong, if they completely misunderstand, just say "Right, Sorry" And Mean It (or Sound like you mean it: be genuine) and just do it. Pick your battles. Can't be fighting over every lightswitch and bowl of soup or you will just wear yourself down.

I'm heading away tomorrow, but there are less rows, but god these rows are just so stupid, they shouldn't even exist at this stage. Any advice on what to do. How to confront them? Any tips how to confront my stepdad over his constant pecking and nagging to start a row with me?

No Confront! Just let it go! This is what Im saying.

Me and my dad still occassionally row. He'll grouch, I'll grouch, then 10 minutes later one of us finds an opening to break off, don't see or speak to eachother for a little bit - an hour, 30 mins, come back, change the subject, done. Nothing really gets 'resolved' but the venting is healthy enough - and most of what we row about is long time greivances of family history and all that, so not much resolving to be done, except let things come and go.

If you find yourself in a confrontation (don't, get into a confrontation) you can calmly ask him why he does what he does. But don't insult, don't attack, don't acuse. And don't be afraid to give when giving is due. 2 intractible assholes (me and my dad upon a time) makes for very long, very bitter feuds.

Conclusion, I had to walk away 3 times. And head to bed, and Stepdad barged in to defend his own behaviour AGAIN... I had to force the door slam and say I'm not dicussing this get out.

You were right to walk away, but going back to get another word in (twice as you imply) is not a good idea. Hit and Run attacks - tried them when I was in my teens, and yeah, its an invitation to get chased back to your home turf (bedroom). Don't do it, if you want to go back into the living space after a fight be non-confrontational, change the subject, and/or apologize, even if you still truly feel you were not in the wrong. Be apologetic about something if not the issue - sorry for shouting, raising your voice, arguing, etc. Because I mean I can't go to my dad and exactly say Im sorry for voting for Obama

But for the most part, you should in the future limit your time at the house until the relationship improves (if it improves). Else I imagine things will just keep escalating like this until eventually you are just accepting dinner invitations so you can get a dig in at your stepdad.

Ultimately I am reading a lot of anger in your post. I think you should arrange to meet with a counselor to get these feelings off your chest in a controlled environment, Before you try getting them off your chest in an unstable environment (ie. your parent's home)

Good luck,

Overheal