Should ground rules be set?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

As my subject line suggests, my query is about what approach you should take when meeting someone for the first (or second) time. That is, should you make it clear from the start what you expect to happen or should you just play it by ear and see where it takes you? Or maybe some fuzzy combination of both?

I ask this as I recently met someone for a date and we got on very well. Had a few laughs and both of us felt very comfortable with each other. I am, by nature, quite laid back and easy company (so I'm told) whereas this person would be more restless and always on the move. And that's perfectly fine. Like I said, it was a very enjoyable night.

Now the impression I had got (and that was pretty much agreed upon) was that this was going to be quite a relaxed thing and there was no need to get too worked up about things. Just two single people who were looking for some company and wanting to meet new people. In the week after that first date this seemed to be less and less the case. Things started to move very quickly. Just a little too quickly, I thought.

We agreed to meet again two weeks later. As it turns out I ended up staying for the weekend. This person had gone through a couple of really rough weeks, work wise, and I wanted to show her a good time and take her mind off the crap she was trying to sort out. Towards the end of the weekend it started to dawn on me that this she was much more serious about things than I was. At one point she came out and asked if we could be 'serious'. This was technically only the second date remember!

We parted and agreed to meet again soon. She pushed for an exact date but I wanted a little breathing space and told her I would be in touch. Next morning, before I'd even got to work, she had called. Just a simple 'hello' really but still quite keen, if you ask me.

Now, she's a smashing girl. Don't get me wrong. Funny, clever, attractive and successful. Honestly, I wonder at times what she sees in me! Of course I might be misreading all this and she's not all that interested in making things serious but that's not what I see. And perhaps I gave her the wrong impression. Like I said I'm quite laid back and wouldn't have reacted when she did come on a little strongly.

I should also mention that she has met her fair share of a$$holes. Guys that didn't treat her very well and were generally bad for her. She's just coming off a bad run of luck in that respect, I guess.

The reason I'm concerned about all this is because my last relationship ended (~ 12 months ago) in a rather nasty manner and rattled my confidence in myself and my ability to form relationships with people. I just don't think I'm ready to get into something that I'm pretty sure won't last. I had envisaged meeting this girl again but I'm thinking that maybe it would be best to nip things in the bud now.

Probably a pretty simple resolution to all this but I'd be interested to hear that people think.

Thank you.

Oh The Humanity

Hmm, she sounds in quite a hurry there!

If she has a lot of heartbreak behind her and she is still trying to rush headlong into a new relationship it doesn't bode well.

I really think in a situation like this, it should still just be lighthearted enough and things should be growing organically at a pace that suits both people.

The reason I'm concerned about all this is because my last relationship ended (~ 12 months ago) in a rather nasty manner and rattled my confidence in myself and my ability to form relationships with people.

After what you have been through you need something that will feed you not drain you. If she is already a bottmless well of need.......doesn't look good.

I would nip it in the bud. And as to your first question I think you should play it by ear like you said.

Hey better luck next time

*Honey*

Personally, I met my hubby online - we emailed back and forth for 2 days, he phoned me on the 3rd day. Within about 10 minutes of that call, I told him that I wanted to get married and have kids some day ... and he said he did too! It was a risk but I'd already had an 18 month relationship that wrecked my head and taught me exactly what I did and didn't want... I felt I should cut to the chase and be fair and open for both our sakes.

Risky yes - crazy, very probably. But hey, it worked for me!

If you are interested in having a relationship with her, tell her but say that you'd rather it went a little slower. If you're not that into her, let her down gently. Don't let previous experiences scare you out of what could be a good relationship.

puglover

OP I would let her down gently... I think if there was a strong enough connection there that this could develop into a relationship then you wouldn't be posting here about making "ground rules"

nomorebadtown

be careful with this one, you're getting into bunny boiler territory awfully fast if you ask me.

Asking if yous were serious on the second meeting :eek:

just tell her that you'd much rather take it slow, take things as they come and get to know each other...if she dosnt like this then i'd say get out of Dodge.

Aloysius Flyte

MrData wrote: »

I should also mention that she has met her fair share of a$$holes. Guys that didn't treat her very well and were generally bad for her. She's just coming off a bad run of luck in that respect, I guess.

I don't want to get slated for this, as I am a single female, but it sounds like she is desperate to be in a relationship, any relationship to be honest.

She sounds quite needy and while I appreciate that people can meet a$$holes along the way, if someone is constantly meeting a$$holes, then, well, it might have to do with her. Also, that type of needy, full-one behaviour, can well bring out the a$$hole in a normally decent person.

And, you know all about her love-life and how stressful her job is after after 2 dates? That's a lot of information to part with to someone you hardly know.

She may well be a lovely girl, there are warning signs. Set the parameters (in a kind but firm way) and go at your own pace. If she ignores them, then run for the hills!:D:D

Nevyn

Ground rules and talking about what stage you are at and what the expectations are on both sides saves a lot of trouble long term and make things clearer short term imho.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. It always helps to just share a problem with someone. Even if you all are of the virtual variety

She sounds quite needy and while I appreciate that people can meet a$$holes along the way, if someone is constantly meeting a$$holes, then, well, it might have to do with her. Also, that type of needy, full-one behaviour, can well bring out the a$$hole in a normally decent person.

That does make sense Aloysius. Like I said she's had a pretty bad run of men. And while some of them were pretty useless I don't know if ALL of them could be in the same league. She may just be one of those people that are a little too full on and bring out the bad side in people. A little too eager to get to the 'serious' stage.

And, you know all about her love-life and how stressful her job is after after 2 dates? That's a lot of information to part with to someone you hardly know.

Yeah, I know a lot about this girl. And a lot of it is stuff many of her friends wouldn't even be aware of I'd imagine. As I've said I'm a laid back person and people seem to find it easy to open up to me but this is something different. A LOT of information very early on. Even if we did go on to form a relationship I'd swear we'd have very little to talk about in 6 months time!

I think this is one I'm going to have to nip in the bud now. The more I think about it the more obvious it is to me that the girl is in one serious hurry. And the warning signs were there. Before we had even met she lamented the fact that all of her friends were either married or in serious relationships. That should have rang an alarm bell or two, shouldn't it?

There were more phone calls yesterday and while I couldn't answer at work I did ignore her late night call. It could have lasted a long time and I was just tired after a long day.

This is a new experience for me in that it feels like I am going to break up with someone you could say I'm not even going out with. Perhaps a little email explaining how I feel and how I think things got too fast too soon might be a good idea. I've always finished with people face to face but like I said, we're not a couple.

Thanks again.