Iseq Moville

geuro

Hi All

I'd love to hear what any of you think of the next passage. I wrote it down just over the last 30 mins or so. I don't really know where it is going, I suspect it won't go anywhere as I didn't plan a path for it. I have always wondered if some day i could write a book.

Anyway, all comments very much appreciated:

"
Some of our experiences are kept safe for no good reason, while many become lost in a vast ocean of confusion and uncertainty, only leaving behind a faint impression on the visible sands of our consciousness to remind us how little we know of ourselves. Often the events that seem most significant and groundbreaking when they occur, often the points in our lives where we can almost feel ourselves being shaped and moulded into the people we are destined to become, often these form the most short-lived memories, fading and blurring into the murky depths of our minds where they are hidden far from view. The blandest snippets from our most uniform days are often just as likely to claim a place in the wavering illumination of our long term memories as those gems of importance, those kernels of meaning, those extremes of sensation that we try so hard to hold onto.

And so, with these considerations first and foremost in his mind, Iseq stood up shakily from his seat, stuffed his phone into his jacket pocket, said his farewells and hit the road. He left the cosy anonymity of the bar behind him, swapping it for the dreary freshness of the grey Dublin streets. It was early afternoon on a Thursday in mid May. Smells of car exhausts and coffee beans and leather jackets and vegetable stalls and freshly baked bread surfaced from time to time as he walked, but all were washed away by the cleansing presence of the cool Spring mist. Behind him and all around him the profiles of the buildings greyed to indistinctiveness as he left them in his wake. As he approached, undefined looming masses and shapes gained clarity and definition, unveiling buildings and bill-boards and bicycles and people. He reflected how nicely the whole scene suited his mood, how memories are fleeting and how significance is temporary. And then, as he walked, something extraordinary took place, something that Iseq Moville would never forget."

Thanks

G

geuro

I was just reading a short story in this forum (Creative writing) by a guy named splash. lots of replies, though the vast majority of people hated what he wrote. I posted the snippet above a good while ago, but nobody has replied. So i was wondering why.

Is it too bland?
Is it too dense?
Is it just boring?
Is it up my own as5?
Is there too little to tell?

Any takers?

Dublin141

I wasn't around when you posted this originally but perhaps it is simply too short for people to make a judgement on? Maybe if you share some more, there might be more replies?

Personally, it is quite short, I would need more to go on but maybe you posted at a quiet time and most people did not see it.

Antilles

OP, splash's story was woeful - I think intentionally so, that's why it got so much attention. I've no problem with your piece above. Its very short, however, and very little happens in it for me to comment on.

redapple

I like the piece. While short I found it evocative. I think you captured thought patterns and feelings that I am familiar with and are hard to articulate.

bakkiesbotha

geuro wrote: »

Hi All

I'd love to hear what any of you think of the next passage. I wrote it down just over the last 30 mins or so. I don't really know where it is going, I suspect it won't go anywhere as I didn't plan a path for it. I have always wondered if some day i could write a book.

Anyway, all comments very much appreciated:

"
Some of our experiences are kept safe for no good reason, while many become lost in a vast ocean of confusion and uncertainty, only leaving behind a faint impression on the visible sands of our consciousness to remind us how little we know of ourselves. Often the events that seem most significant and groundbreaking when they occur, often the points in our lives where we can almost feel ourselves being shaped and moulded into the people we are destined to become, often these form the most short-lived memories, fading and blurring into the murky depths of our minds where they are hidden far from view. The blandest snippets from our most uniform days are often just as likely to claim a place in the wavering illumination of our long term memories as those gems of importance, those kernels of meaning, those extremes of sensation that we try so hard to hold onto.

And so, with these considerations first and foremost in his mind, Iseq stood up shakily from his seat, stuffed his phone into his jacket pocket, said his farewells and hit the road. He left the cosy anonymity of the bar behind him, swapping it for the dreary freshness of the grey Dublin streets. It was early afternoon on a Thursday in mid May. Smells of car exhausts and coffee beans and leather jackets and vegetable stalls and freshly baked bread surfaced from time to time as he walked, but all were washed away by the cleansing presence of the cool Spring mist. Behind him and all around him the profiles of the buildings greyed to indistinctiveness as he left them in his wake. As he approached, undefined looming masses and shapes gained clarity and definition, unveiling buildings and bill-boards and bicycles and people. He reflected how nicely the whole scene suited his mood, how memories are fleeting and how significance is temporary. And then, as he walked, something extraordinary took place, something that Iseq Moville would never forget."

Thanks

G

I don't think Iseq is a very good name for your protagonist, unless this is some kind of alternative reality where the index of Irish shares is walking around Dublin. If his parents were some kind of demented stockborkers, and the children were called footsie, and dax and cac, and so on, then fair enough, but that sounds like a different story about an eccentric household, not what you are doing here.

In the first paragraph you keep rephrasing the same thing over and over again. It reads as if these are drafts of a sentence that you are trying to get right. Keep at it, get it right, and then say it only once.

The second paragraph is a bit inconsistent and I found some things jarring.

The various smells are nicely evocative and by far the best part of the piece. This bit ties in well with your theme of fleetingness, but I don't think it works for them to be washed away by the cool spring mist. The guy is walking, so he is passing them by. Also, I find it hard to imagine a cool spring mist on Grafton Street on a Thursday afternoon in May, but that might be just me. The smells coming and going work better than the bit where buildings and billboards enter and leave his vision. This bit doesn't work.

A few other comments:

with these considerations foremost in his mind

This is the kind of phrase that links the end of a decision-making process with some action. You expect something to happen, but then nothing does. Also, the way you have written it would be more suited to something light-hearted and whimsical, like a P.G. Wodehouse scene where a guy has a few drinks and gives himself a pep talk before facing up to his bossy aunt.

He stands up 'shakily' but nothing else is consistent with him feeling shaky. Is he supposed to be drunk? If so, this undermines the importance of all he is thinking.

how nicely the scene suited his mood - there isn't really a scene to suit his mood, as he is walking around, not contemplating a scene. Maybe it should be the atmosphere that suits his mood?

And then, as he walked, something extraordinary took place, something that Iseq Moville would never forget

Sorry, but this sentence is just terrible. You should scrap it and just say what happens.

I've gone on longer than I intended. It has potential, but needs to be tightened up. My recommendation is to distil what you are saying in the first paragraph into one or two crisp sentences. In the second paragraph, clarify where he is and what he is doing as he is thinking these thoughts, hold on to the bit about the various smells of Dublin as he passes by them, scrap the bit about buildings entering and leaving his perception, and then get straight to whatever happens next.

Looking forward to the next draft.

geuro

Really appreciate the feedback folks, and I'm glad you enjoyed my couple of paragraphs redapple. A couple of paragraphs probably being too little to go on for most people, I think I'll sit down to write some more and update this piece soon..

pickarooney

bakkiesbotha wrote: »

Some very useful feedback

Everything BB said.