Lack of libido

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I have been going out now for three years. We're totally in love and apart from this issue, everything is perfect. I really need some advice on what to do.

For about the first year and a half of our relationship, our sex life was amazing. We had great sex every day if not more. However, about a year ago, my boyfriend's father died. His father was sick for a while also before he passed. When his father was sick, our lovelife began to deteriorate but obviously I understood the emotional pain, stress , upset, anger, etc. that my boyfriend was suffering, both while his father was sick and for a long time after he died.

However, it's been over a year since his father died now and I'm starting to get worried. Throughout the year, my boyfriend has obviously been through a rollercoster of emotions and I've been there to support him every step of the way. However, his libido has not returned to even a patch of what it used to be. He also cannot maintain an erection, despite initiating sex and is clearly frustrated and disappointed when this happens over and over again. I've been patient and reassured him not to worry about things, it'll happen when he's ready.

He is very affectionate in other ways but I am really worried that this problem is not going away. I've been careful not to focus on it and make it into a huge issue. He has initiated a few conversations about it himself and himself suggested that maybe he needs to see a doctor about it. I have agreed with him and said I think he should, however, I have not pushed the issue and so far, he has not been to see anyone. I feel that if he is going to see someone about it, it should be his own choice and I shouldn't pressurise the situation any more than it needs. He obviously is not too keen on the idea of discussing his problem with a stranger (he has no regular doctor).

What I need is some advise on what to do. Should I be pushing the issue (I don't think so)? Is there any other options besides going to a doctor? Any one been though this that can offer some advice?

bluecell99

You've handled it very well so far and well done.It could of course be related to his bereavement and its great that ye can talk about it.However,given your previous good history in this area,it cannot go on indefinitely.You are torn between wanting whats been before,supporting your OH,trying to be understanding and all that.

I think that seeing a doctor is a good idea(if only to rule out any physical issue).It could also prove the impetus your friend needs to go forward and try to take your concerns on board.I'm sure he must be so aware himself and has relegated this issue to the back of the mind.Grief is terrible and having gone thorough something similar I also know that there is hope and brightness awaiting.He should make that call today.Does'nt matter who the Doc is.

They know how to deal with things and see all types of scenarios every day.

Best of luck.

*Honey*

I also think you've done really well and there are a lot out there that wouldn't have supported him the way you have.

I definitely think seeing a doctor is in order - you've both made noises about it it seems but nothing has happened as yet. I don't believe you should pressurise him but maybe he needs for you to make the appointment or something... it possibly needs for him to have a slight push (though push is probably too strong a word) in the right direction. It could also be worth him looking into grief counselling as well. It's good that he's started some of the conversations around this issue as I imagine it's very frustrating for him too and it's almost self perpetuating (he fails to rise to the occassion, he worries about it next time and next time fails again cos of the additional worry and so on and so on).

I think it's symptomatic of the issues in his life at the moment and with some assistance and guidance from you, it's time for him to get well and be happy again.

Best of luck with it.

prinz

What the first two said.Good job so far. More to do.

Wouldv't just thanked the posts but the button seems to have vanished on me.

Oh The Humanity

Ye have two positives going for you:

1. Boyfriend recognises a problem and is tentatively thinking about going to the doctor.

2. You have handled it really well, sensitive and gentle and kind.

Well done.

I can understand him being hesitant in going to the Doctor. The thing about 'a stranger' though, point out to him that its easier with a stranger, you never have to see them again.

Could be totally off the mark here but what about a family planning clinic or somewhere like that. They have heard it all and at least you would be more or less guaranteed a sympathetic ear.

Some GP's with the best will in the world can be a bit hit and miss for this kind of thing. You dont want him to get fobbed off after gathering up his courage.....

LegacyUser

Thank you so much to all who've replied, I really appreciate it. It's good to hear that you think I've handled it well, it means a lot as I wasn't sure if I was

*Honey* wrote: »

it's almost self perpetuating (he fails to rise to the occassion, he worries about it next time and next time fails again cos of the additional worry and so on and so on).

I myself suspect that this has a lot to do with it. I think it's gotten to the stage where it's a cycle now in his head that he can't break.

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Could be totally off the mark here but what about a family planning clinic or somewhere like that. They have heard it all and at least you would be more or less guaranteed a sympathetic ear.

Some GP's with the best will in the world can be a bit hit and miss for this kind of thing. You dont want him to get fobbed off after gathering up his courage.....

I was thinking this myself. The worst thing that could happen would be for a doctor to fob him off or not be able to deal /relate with this kind of issue. I wasn't sure that a Family Planning clinic would deal with this kind of thing though - I know they deal with contraception, STIs etc. but this is more a mental issue than a physical one (I suspect). Would they be equipped for this type of problem too?

Oh The Humanity

WorriedInDublin wrote: »

I was thinking this myself. The worst thing that could happen would be for a doctor to fob him off or not be able to deal /relate with this kind of issue. I wasn't sure that a Family Planning clinic would deal with this kind of thing though - I know they deal with contraception, STIs etc. but this is more a mental issue than a physical one (I suspect). Would they be equipped for this type of problem too?

I googled one that I go to, which I find a good one. Its in Dublin and I often see male patients in the waiting room. They say on their website: 'sexual health advice and counselling, and psychosexual therapy.'

That sounds hopeful I think....I dont know if I am allowed to post the link...

Drummerboy2

Going to the doctor is a must. It could be a stress related problem from his fathers demise. However the symptoms could also be a sign of a medical problem e.g. cardiovascular disease.

Joey the lips

As most of his problems seem to have come after the death, I dont think a doctor is the anwer I think he needs to see a berevement councillor first, They are extreamly helpful.

If this does not improve his health then a doctor might help.