Just Headwrecked!!!!

LegacyUser

Alright, I'll try to make this as clear and digestible as possible Started seeing a girl a couple of months ago, and it's been going well. We're doing the long distance thing as she's in one part of the country and I in another. In principle, everything is going very well - met the parents who seem to really like me, and she's met mine and we are planning a trip abroad soon.

She's a lovely girl, really funny and down to earth. Because we are long distance, we need to set aside dedicated blocks of time to see each other, which is the weekend usually. She is mad about me by her own words, told me she loved me and I reciprocated, and she's always telling me how great and handsome she thinks I am.

This was great for while up until when I was on my way home from her's a couple of weekends ago, and I thought to myself "hmmmm, I don't quite feel I miss her the way I should." It got me thinking about things and I began to panic and doubt my feelings for her , do I love her enough, do I fancy her enough, is it that I want to breakup with her etc etc.

I suffer from anxiety now and again, and also sometimes compulsive thinking patterns where I consistently over analyse and dissect things in my head over and over endlessly until I'm mentally exhausted, and these thoughts above have been a cause of great distress for me in the past couple of weeks, keeping me awake at night sometimes, and distracting me from work. I have suffered from depression in the past as well, having being treated with prescription medication, and a lot of the time I feel emotionally numb and unmotivated even lately, so I reckon this needs to be re-addressed medically.

The thought of breaking up with her terrifies me and relieves me at the same time, as I know I'd be gutted. I'm shedding tears as I write this at the thoughts of not getting to go down to see her on weekends and not getting the good morning and good night texts from her. I think I'm relieved by it because at least I know the worrying would be over, but I suspect I'd instantly regret it and want back with her.

The amount of time we spend with each other is quite a lot for any relationship, long distance or not, in my opinion, and it enforces a rather strict routine with things, so I wonder is that choking things a bit. Another thought that has crossed my head is that she tells me how great she thinks I am so frequently that I think she idealises me and the relationship, and what she says loses meaning or significance, and also puts pressure on me to feel a certain way with a certain intensity about her. She has been unlucky in love before, dating guys who seem to be users and a$$holes.

The problem I described is kind of self-perpetuating because it has created a sort of association between the relationship and this panickey feeling I described above, and is preventing me from relaxing and simply enjoying the relationship, so it becomes a vicious circle. What's amazing is that it lessens dramatically when we're actually together, as we just get on with things and hang out

So really, I think there's three things at play here - the routineness caused by the distance, my emotional problems (whether they are problems or not) and her slight neediness. I feel I've lost perspective on things, not just the relationship, but my great new job as well, kind of feeling like I take both for granted. I was miserable last year being single all the time, so was delighted to find a girl who really liked me. I am hating myself for feeling so freaked out, and as my post indicates, my head is just a mess.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be much appreciated.

smellslikeshoes

You most definitely are over complicating and over analysing things.

allovertheplace wrote: »

do I love her enough, do I fancy her enough, is it that I want to breakup with her etc etc.

I think that question is answered by this.

allovertheplace wrote: »

I'm shedding tears as I write this at the thoughts of not getting to go down to see her on weekends and not getting the good morning and good night texts from her.

You obviously really like this girl, I think you need to just stop over thinking and enjoy your relationship.

bluecell99

You are over analysing.Take things day by day and enjoy.Dont let it take over your life.Stop the future predictions and dwelling on the past.Everyone has some issue.You dealt with yours.Dont let it influence your here and now.Get on with normal,everyday life and dont be overly consumed by the "what ifs".Like will it last,will she break up with me etc etc.

You have a nice thing going on.All that prevents you getting even happier is your own inner doubts.Stop it.Enjoy and live life.You dont need me to say what doubt and constant questioning will bring.Life is good now and thats all that matters.

Best of luck to ye.

Steamer

I have to disagree. I think that when you start thinking about breaking up with someone, you are not going to be satisfied until you do. It will just eat away at you. Perhaps take a break or something and see how you feel then. If you are not missing being around her then there is something wrong.

I was in a simialer situation where I had my doubts but didn't want to go through with the breakup. It was really difficult and many times I thought that I had made a mistake but it was the best thing I ever did.

Maybe you should take some time for yourself and sort yourself out and then you can think about the relationship, perhaps explain this to her. If ye are meant to be it will all work out, if not ye will go your seperate ways.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

*Honey*

Long distance can make you question things a lot more than when you're in a more "local" relationship - in itself, it's a bit of a head wrecker. It can make both parties a little more needy (basically cos they need that physical closeness and it's absent for a lot of the time in an LDR because of the very nature of the distances involved). I can imagine your GF is probably feeling some of that (I've done two LDR's in the past and I know I have and I'm not a needy person normally).

With regard to your anxiety and depression, to me it sounds like you need to see your doctor and get your meds re-evaluated. It sounds to me like you really are mad about her and it's working well on both sides but these thoughts are invading that and it could be that the chemicals in your brain just need a little tweaking. Honestly, see your doc, it could really help.

Given you sat and cried whilst typing that, I would have hope for your relationship - from what you've said, you are mad about her and she about you. I would say this is something you need to keep at and try and keep those destructive doubting thoughts at a minimum. You sound like you've both got a good thing going so don't let these thoughts spoil it.

Go see your doctor and get your meds checked again - it could do you the world of good.

zero_nine

I know how you feel. I had this EXACT situation with a girl a couple of years back. I had the same problem as you with over analysing everything, do I love her, is this enough etc etc.
How did pan out? Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, the stress just builds and builds and eventually smothers it. I went down the whole medical path aswell as I also suffered at a time from OCD and this brought it back, adding more to the stress. I eventually ended up in the GP's in tears, and he sent me to this psychotherapist job, which did absolutely no good whatsoever, and actually made me worse- note, if you are prone to excessive analysis do not see a psychoanalist... you spend enough time in your head without paying money to do so.

The thing is with this problem is that it is entirely normal to feel anxious about love, its just that people who are already prone to anxiety suffer a bit more. Don't medicate yourself, you'll learn more if you try to stick it out as long as possible. In my experience, everytime one of these relationships that are crippled with this type of anxiety fails, it gets easier the next time. In my case, it eventually did fail, and I swear, I was never so relieved in my life. However, once the anxiety lifted and i had enough time to myself and enough time to not analyse things to death I actually discovered that I was still attracted to her and we got back together- and it was a bit easier the second time. It does start again however and ultimately we ended up having a couple of "summits" about what to do.

So in summary (I rambled a bit here!):
1. Completely natural reaction.
2. Stick it out as long as possible.
3. When you can't take it any longer, either suggest a break so you clear your head or just break up.
4. Try as best you can to get out of your head. I know this is easier said than done but doing sport etc helped me a lot.
5. I wouldn't advise medication- everyone goes through this to an extent. Medicatino did not help me, and did not stop the stress, nor the relationship breaking down.
6. Go easy on yourself. This is not a personal or an inherent flaw, we're all human here.
7. Avoid alcohol, it makes it worse.
8. Listen to Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye"
9. Feel free to disregard everything I say!.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses

Yeah you're right, I definitely do need to make a trip to the GP soon to get re-assessed. Part of the problem with this type of thing is that you don't actually feel too bothered about getting it treated. But I have motivation now to do so! It also seriously clouds your thinking about these types of things, one of the biggest problems I've been having is to form a clear idea in my head of what's wrong. The problem I described to my doctor is that it feels like your emotional "volume" is turned down to low, so you find it hard to react and empathise to the world around you. Your motivation takes a hit and you become stuck in a rut. You become lazy and it becomes harder to drag yourself out to nights out etc.

I think it's also the first time I've really sat down and thought about the nature of the relationship, and appreciate what I have. Up until now I was sort of ebbing along on autopilot like I seem to do with everything in my life. I also made the mistaken assumption that it would be like a short-distance relationship which it is not. One of the problems you find with these things is that because communication is now primarily electronic, you end up with essentially two different relationships - the one you have with her over text,email etc and the one you have in person. Reconciling the two is tricky at times.

But I definitely think I need to stick at it - breaking up would be a big mistake, as I'm not going to find a girl who is kinder or more loving than she is, and I want to make her happy. If we did break up I know I'd end up thinking to myself "why did do I do that?" and would live to hate myself for it when she met a new bf.