I think I'm very superficial when it comes to men.

LegacyUser

Okay, just a quick one. I've always gone out with very VERY good-looking men but now as i get older, i'm realising that looks aren't everything as we all know. I'm meeting alot of lovely (personality-wise) men out and about but not giving them a chance because I want the mind-blowing chemistry i've had with the good-looking exes. I'm afraid i've ruined my chances of finding someone because i've raised my standards too high with regards to physical appearance. I've been single for about a year and a half now and my last boyfriend was quite possibly the best looking man in Ireland in my opinion (sorry, i know i sound very childish but jaysus, he was a ride). I compare most men to him physically, even if their personalities blow his out of the water (we're exes for a very good reason). I'm not a superficial person generally but i've definitely put looks way too high on my list of what I look for in a man. Met a guy at the weekend who was absolutely lovely, we'd loads in common and he's a reasonably good-lookin' fella...he's just texted me and i'm not even willing to give him a chance because he's nowhere near as good-looking as the ex. I'm pretty disgusted with this aspect of myself but I can't really help it.

Anyone else have a similiar problem?

I want to know how i change my mentality on how I judge men when I intitially meet them or i'll be single forever at this rate.

Thanks!

Stheno

Not trying to be blunt, but I think you need to grow up a bit in terms of your expectations.

If you are that superficial now (and you sound utterly superficial) then how do you honestly think you will feel when you are with someone for years and they get grey/wrinkles/put on weight?

Looks longterm mean close to nothing, someone who loves and cares about you is priceless.

Yes you do need physical attraction to someone, but basing your criteria on what you've outlined is a recipe for disaster/loneliness/mad old cat lady syndrome

Try and broaden your outlook somewhat, and see beyond the superficial looks.

Latchy

Your Perfectionism will destroy any potentional relationships . By all means look for it but reality means most of us settle for , or have to settle for mr and mrs average , goodlooking / nice personality .

LegacyUser

Superficial wrote: »

Met a guy at the weekend who was absolutely lovely, we'd loads in common and he's a reasonably good-lookin' fella...he's just texted me and i'm not even willing to give him a chance because he's nowhere near as good-looking as the ex. I'm pretty disgusted with this aspect of myself but I can't really help it.

Anyone else have a similiar problem?

I want to know how i change my mentality on how I judge men when I intitially meet them or i'll be single forever at this rate.

Thanks!

One way to view it is that your "shallow finickyness" acts as a filter. Your need for a man in all departments that a man can fill + your recent dates niceness = not enough to surmount the requirment that he be great looking.

Clearly, if your need increases and/or a dates niceness increases then the possibility arises that the combination will surmount the requirement that he be great looking.

So don't worry about it. If your need doesn't increase then you'll find contentment in great looking guys. And if your need does increase then you'll find contentmentin less great looking guys who supply you with other aspects of your need that sheer great looks.

It'll sort itself out without you doing a thing in other words.

Otis Driftwood

You have gone out with only very good looking guys (in your estimation) in the past and have been single for 18 months.That says alot right there.

I presume you are a good looking woman?

What happens when you start to sag a little bit,get a few crows feet,maybe a little cellulite?Would it be ok for a fella to knock you back for any of the above reasons?Of course not,someone like that is obviously a vacuous twat.

Newsflash - LOOKS FADE

You need to take a long hard look at yourself and decide what you want from life.A gorgeous bloke that is a tool or a decent guy with average looks.From the sounds of you its deeply ingrained in your psyche that most men arent good enough for you.I find that quite sad TBH.

Good luck to you,you will need it.

LegacyUser

You're absolutely dead right about me being superficial, i'll admit to that and it's a problem and that's why i'm here. My relationships with the exes were based on more than just looks, believe me, but it was what initially drew me to them with a bang in the first place and I suppose i'm not open to giving someone a chance unless i have that initial head-swooning chemistry.

I look at my friend's OHs and i'm in total awe of them for giving them a chance even if they're not exactly super-models and forming meaningful and loving relationships with them that have lasted years. You can't force chemistry and men you don't fancy are generally better suited as friends, no? How do I get over this problem I have with only giving very good-looking (or what i percieve to be very good-looking) men a chance? Did most people out there have an over-whelming physical attraction to their better halves when they first met them?

By the way, i'm only reasonably good-looking myself and i'm not really in a position to be so picky. I know I sound like an a**hole but i'm just being honest.

karen3212

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - or in the nostrils of the smeller(more for women that one, I think) - so unless you are measuring the symmetry of these guys faces, you may just be attracted to a certain look because that may suit your immune system better. Work away I say, just make sure you smell/kiss the guy though before you write him off, especially if you are very compatible.

Goodluck

LegacyUser

Believe me nedforshed, i've got all those things you mentioned...cellulite (had that since i was in my early 20s), a few wrinkles, a bit of a belly but when i say good-looking men, not all women would agree with me that they are. They were all physically flawed but still in my eyes they were incredibly good-looking. I'm not talking Brad Pitt or some male model here. I like the rough and ready kind of guys...i like hairy men and i've a bit of a thing for hairy backs for example. I'm not looking for physical perfection, quite the opposite...those kinds of guys are not my cup of tea at all. I'll put it another way: i've got a template of my ideal-looking man and i'm not so willing to veer from that as i'd like.

And by the way, why is it so awful to be single for 18 months????

LegacyUser

I think you've changed your story slightly since your original post.

If you have a particular type that you're attracted to, fine.

But if all you're worried about is looks, then I think it's a problem. Remember, being superficial isn't exactly a nice quality in anyone. So while you may find your ideal man looks-wise, he might be turned off by this aspect to your personality

cafecolour

You can't fake it if you aren't attracted to someone, but people can grow on you. No one will go from not attractive to attractive, but if someone is 'reasonably good looking' and has a great personality, give them a few dates and they might grow on you.

If that's you saying you have a thing for hairy men, there's tons of them. I'm not sure the Irish tend to be that hairy though, maybe you should take a trip to Spain or Italy or such.

Joey the lips

Hi OP I wonder are you looking for advice or just looking to see if you ways are justified.. and accepted. If this had been a man posting can you imagine what women (whom I generally consider more sensitive) would have to say to him.

Unfor you will never get over this cause by the sounds of it you have been this way to long. I have been lucky I found someone I love but equally She is georgous. I find as the relationship grew I loved her more. Yes I can look at other women and say "She's georgous" or " She's hot" the usual man things but I know I love my wife and even if I did not I repect her to much not to let her go as she is a wonderful person.

I think your missing out on this and while yes you may get the hottest man in the country. Whats the chances he knows this and does not consider you the hottest women but is waiting for something better to come along.

Best of luck.

PCPhoto

OP ..... seriously - if you are not bothered by the length of time you have been single (which will extend until you find your "dream" guy) then plain and simple ...keep searching.

I'm not a superficial guy - for me its about who a person is rather than what they look like.

If a guy isnt what you want then fair enough - but you might have to search long and hard - which could take time....if you are willing to give a guy a chance then enjoy the time you have with these guys - if someone can engage in conversation/keep your attention and maybe make you laugh/smile ..... give him a chance.

Best of luck with your search.

LegacyUser

There is a difference between being very selective and only 'doing' good looking people.

There's lots of girls I know that I would ask out in a heartbeat if they were better looking. But i don't want to be with someone I am not attracted to. Period. Been there, done that... you are better off single than wasting your time on someone you're not into imh.

If you're decent looking you shouldn't have to settle for an ugmeister. Lots of people do, unfortunately but that's life. I wouldn't.

sardineta

Given the asymmetry in looks between you and your target audience, that perversely works in your favour. Why? Well any hot guy that is going to be into you will be despite your looks, auguring well for that relationship. The only downside is if all said hot guys have their heads in their arses, that you find yourself years down the line in a flat full of cats...

mbren

Superficial wrote: »

Met a guy at the weekend who was absolutely lovely, we'd loads in common and he's a reasonably good-lookin' fella

Simple way to stop being superficial...get practice at trying to like someone, not just based on looks. The guy you mentioned above sounds like quite a catch...I'm saying that and i'm a guy! Give him a chance!

pwd

You only go out with people you're attracted to. Good idea. What's the point of going out with someone you're not attracted to? Physical attraction is related to lots of things, including intuition telling you the person could suit you for a relationship, and including emotions about the person. Would you want to go out with a guy who didn't really fancy you, but thought you were nice? Or would you prefer to go out with someone who thought you were gorgeous?

Otis Driftwood

Superficial wrote: »

Believe me nedforshed, i've got all those things you mentioned...cellulite (had that since i was in my early 20s), a few wrinkles, a bit of a belly but when i say good-looking men, not all women would agree with me that they are. They were all physically flawed but still in my eyes they were incredibly good-looking. I'm not talking Brad Pitt or some male model here. I like the rough and ready kind of guys...i like hairy men and i've a bit of a thing for hairy backs for example. I'm not looking for physical perfection, quite the opposite...those kinds of guys are not my cup of tea at all. I'll put it another way: i've got a template of my ideal-looking man and i'm not so willing to veer from that as i'd like.

And by the way, why is it so awful to be single for 18 months????

This post completly changes your OP.In your OP you said you only went for very very good looking guys.That sounded to me that you ment model type guys.You should have said guys that you thought were very very goodlooking,there is a huuuuuge difference.
Every single girl Ive dated I would consider to be good looking.Some of my friends would disagree but they were beautiful to me.
Of course there has to be an attraction between 2 people but IMO it doesnt have to be as intense as you seem to expect it to be right from the off.
In my experience,relationships that begin as a purely physical thing will eventually fizzle out.Ive gone out with girls that I wasnt initally attracted to but their personality really shone through as time went by and I fell for some of them.
What I will say to you is go on a date with the guy you met last weekend.
Get to know him better and see what happens.

Its a date,not bloody marriage you know.

And there is nothing wrong with being single for 18 months.
The point I was making was that you had only gone out with physically perfect male specimens and none of those worked out.

This has changed somewhat given your follow on posts.

Joey the lips

nedtheshed wrote: »

This post completly changes your OP.In your OP you said you only went for very very good looking guys.That sounded to me that you ment model type guys.You should have said guys that you thought were very very goodlooking,there is a huuuuuge difference.
Every single girl Ive dated I would consider to be good looking.Some of my friends would disagree but they were beautiful to me.
Of course there has to be an attraction between 2 people but IMO it doesnt have to be as intense as you seem to expect it to be right from the off.
In my experience,relationships that begin as a purely physical thing will eventually fizzle out.Ive gone out with girls that I wasnt initally attracted to but their personality really shone through as time went by and I fell for some of them.
What I will say to you is go on a date with the guy you met last weekend.
Get to know him better and see what happens.

Its a date,not bloody marriage you know.

And there is nothing wrong with being single for 18 months.
The point I was making was that you had only gone out with physically perfect male specimens and none of those worked out.

This has changed somewhat given your follow on posts.

+ 1.... You might be normal afterall

LegacyUser

Yeah, I should have made myself clearer in my first post because as we all know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, good-looks are a subjective point-of-view etc. The thing is, I have NEVER given a man a chance who I wasn't REALLY physically attracted to initially. Don't get me wrong, i'm not rude to them but no matter how funny and sweet and kind etc they come off as on first meeting, i've never given them a chance if they asked me out. It's terrible I know but I just couldn't see myself being so blown away by their personalities that it would make up for the looks...those lads have become my friends.

Perhaps i'm not any more superficial than alot of people but you know those couples you see and one of them is no oil painting and the other one is fairly hot? I just can't get my head round that scenario at all.

OK, i'm going to take your advice and give this guy from the weekend a call. I was happy enough to be single for the past 18 months because i was getting over a broken heart and travelled for a large chunk of that as well. I'm kind of ready to give it a go again. Thanks for your advice.

Otis Driftwood

Good for you OP.You might be surprised what happens when you scratch the surface a little bit.I came across the below quote a few months ago while going through a break up and it has stuck with me for some reason.Its by Sam Keen,he is an author and philosopher.

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

Best of luck to you!:)

LegacyUser

Joey the lips wrote: »

Hi OP I wonder are you looking for advice or just looking to see if you ways are justified.. and accepted. If this had been a man posting can you imagine what women (whom I generally consider more sensitive) would have to say to him.

Unfor you will never get over this cause by the sounds of it you have been this way to long. I have been lucky I found someone I love but equally She is georgous. I find as the relationship grew I loved her more. Yes I can look at other women and say "She's georgous" or " She's hot" the usual man things but I know I love my wife and even if I did not I repect her to much not to let her go as she is a wonderful person.

I think your missing out on this and while yes you may get the hottest man in the country. Whats the chances he knows this and does not consider you the hottest women but is waiting for something better to come along.

Best of luck.

Not sure you can give advice on this subject as only I can change my outlook so yeah, I suppose I wanted to be sure that this was the norm and to justify my actions. I was walking around in town recently and was thinking that alot of the couples you see about Dublin aren't matched looks-wise and I was wondering was I not let in on a little secret that everyone else knows with regards to acceptance of potential boyfriends or girlfriends and felt I might have been lacking in something (depth?) and that looks are something that everyone else can seem to get beyond as a top priority in their search for lurve.

Anyway, thanks for your responses, you've all given me something to think about.

krudler

think of it this way, if I ever met someone as superficial as you I wouldnt touch you with a ten foot pole, swings and roundabouts and all that...

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

think of it this way, if I ever met someone as superficial as you I wouldnt touch you with a ten foot pole, swings and roundabouts and all that...

Ha! Well in fairness Krudler, if I ever met someone with an attitude problem as big as yours who thinks they're some big man on an internet forum, then I wouldn't go near you either. I've obviously hit a nerve with you. Want to talk about it? I haven't insulted anyone here, just being honest and turns out I probably have a similiar outlook to alot of people here. If you've nothing constructive to say, then why are you here? Vent elsewhere about your knock-backs.

krudler

Bit hard to get knock backs when I've been in a relationship for 2 years, nothing wrong with going for people you find attractive but then there's being shallow, which you clearly are, how would you feel if someone wouldnt give you the time of day because of your cellulite and bit of a belly?

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Bit hard to get knock backs when I've been in a relationship for 2 years, nothing wrong with going for people you find attractive but then there's being shallow, which you clearly are, how would you feel if someone wouldnt give you the time of day because of your cellulite and bit of a belly?

Listen man, read the WHOLE thread and everything i've written and then come back to me with some constructive advice. I never said good-looks equated to perfection. It's not perfection i'm looking for, it's a certain type (as I said before if you could be ar**d reading the thread, I like hairy back, which I know alot of women don't like...which could be percieved as being a bit shallow?). Just because you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you were never single or that you won't be again. It doesn't exclude you from having experience on the "dating scene".

Tell me Krudler, when you met your girlfriend for the first time, were you phyically attracted to her?

Zaph

OK guys, you want to continue this take it to PM, but one more word from either of you directed to the other and I'm locking this thread.

*Honey*

Unregistered wrote: »

If you're decent looking you shouldn't have to settle for an ugmeister.

One person's Ugmeister is another person's Love God!

OP - give you have a particular type you go for, that floats your boat, I say for go it. Personally I'd find hairy backs a major turn off but hey, it's about you not me.

However, if you find that you're using this as an excuse to not form relationships, I'd look into it further.

krudler

Tbh I dont get what the op is aiming for, she says she thinks she's superficial, people agree with her and she gets all defensive about it? Of course everyone has a type theyd find instantly more attractive than someone else, as a preference I like dark hair on a girl but have had 2 girlfriends who were blonde, doesnt mean I'd say no because they had one particular feature that I wouldnt normally go for, of course instant attraction is a good thing but giving up someone that could be the best partner you'll ever have simply because they dont have the exact eyes you like or whatever is a bit immature

Oh The Humanity

The thing is, I have NEVER given a man a chance who I wasn't REALLY physically attracted to initially. Don't get me wrong, i'm not rude to them but no matter how funny and sweet and kind etc they come off as on first meeting, i've never given them a chance if they asked me out. It's terrible I know but I just couldn't see myself being so blown away by their personalities that it would make up for the looks...those lads have become my friends.

I dont see a thing wrong with that. There HAS TO BE some attraction.

I really think you are wasting your time forcing yourself to go out with men you are not attracted to. What will happen is you will compromise, compromise because you dont want to be thought of as shallow and then the first hottie that gives you the eye you wont be able to help yourself.

If the animal magnetism is not there, its not there. You dont have to go for total a$$holes mind. You can find a man who you want to tear apart who is a good person too!

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Tbh I dont get what the op is aiming for, she says she thinks she's superficial, people agree with her and she gets all defensive about it? Of course everyone has a type theyd find instantly more attractive than someone else, as a preference I like dark hair on a girl but have had 2 girlfriends who were blonde, doesnt mean I'd say no because they had one particular feature that I wouldnt normally go for, of course instant attraction is a good thing but giving up someone that could be the best partner you'll ever have simply because they dont have the exact eyes you like or whatever is a bit immature

In fairness Krudler, i was getting defensive only with YOU because you said you wouldn't touch me with a ten foot barge pole because I was so shallow and nothing else. If you had something constructive to say instead of insulting me, then I might not have got so defensive....put yourself in my shoes. How would you have reacted? With everybody else who referred to me as superficial or shallow, I ddin't have a go with them because they could back up what they said. If you'd just said what you said in your last post the first time, I would have taken your point on board.

Zaph

Looks like I was actually talking to myself after all.

Thread closed.