Miss old sex life

MeMyself&I

Hi

im with my b'f for 1 1/2 years, its long distance, and see each other at least 2-3 weekends per month.
At the start, sex was brilliant, nearly twice a day.
But now its not as good. If im with him from thursday until monday, we may only have sex twice. And most of the time its my idea. Sometimes i feel like i have to beg for it.
He likes getting stuff done to him, but not the actually intercourse bit. Its driving me mad, as i have developed a very high sex drive (due to the brillaint sex at the start of the relationship).

He knows i have a problem with it, but insists thats its nothing to do with me, he feels fat and unattractive, and cant bare to have sex.

Do you think i should believe this, or is it something to do with me. I love him, and everything is brilliant, except for this.

He also hates kissing, we might kiss maybe once per weekend, and that me nearly attacking him for one!!!

I need intimacy, as i think its important, but i love him, and want to be with him.

I always hated BJ's, as i find it physically impossible, it uncomfortable and sickening for me, but i still do it to make him happy, surely i need something in return.

(i should also add, then when we do have sex, its really brilliant), so it 6 times a month enough?? or am i being unreasonable.

shellyboo

MeMyself&I wrote: »

Hi

im with my b'f for 1 1/2 years, its long distance, and see each other at least 2-3 weekends per month.
At the start, sex was brilliant, nearly twice a day.
But now its not as good. If im with him from thursday until monday, we may only have sex twice. And most of the time its my idea. Sometimes i feel like i have to beg for it.
He likes getting stuff done to him, but not the actually intercourse bit. Its driving me mad, as i have developed a very high sex drive (due to the brillaint sex at the start of the relationship).

He knows i have a problem with it, but insists thats its nothing to do with me, he feels fat and unattractive, and cant bare to have sex.

Do you think i should believe this, or is it something to do with me. I love him, and everything is brilliant, except for this.

He also hates kissing, we might kiss maybe once per weekend, and that me nearly attacking him for one!!!

I need intimacy, as i think its important, but i love him, and want to be with him.

I always hated BJ's, as i find it physically impossible, it uncomfortable and sickening for me, but i still do it to make him happy, surely i need something in return.

(i should also add, then when we do have sex, its really brilliant), so it 6 times a month enough?? or am i being unreasonable.

You know what? Usually I go easy on the poor folk with low sex drives, but I think your bf is being selfish. He "can't bear" to have sex, but he manages to let you give him head? How very generous of him.

If he really felt fat and unattractive, there would be no sexual contact. Not even bjs. He just has a low sex drive; and is selfish; and is trying to fob you off with an excuse about low self-esteem. Which is more than a bit manipulative.

I'm not usually one for playing games, but I'd withold the ol' bjs for a while. Since he has such "issues" with sex, tell him you want to work on it, and that you think you guys should stick to intercourse for a while to see if you can get him back enjoying it again.

Also, seeing as you don't like doing it, it's only fair really that you stop, since he doesn't have to do things he doesn't like either, apparently. There has to be some fairness in a relationship, sounds like there's none here. Does he help to get you off when you're horny and he's not? Because that's what a selfless, low sex-driven bf would do. He wouldn't leave you deprived.

MeMyself&I

Thanks.

The whole situation is weird, the sex we have is brilliant, and i am very happy afterwards.

He does things to get me off, and they help, its just the actual skin to skin (on top of each other) part that he has a problem with.

Where sex was concerned, i was a very slow beginner, so now that its a regular thing, i just love it, and want to do it as much as possible. We cuddle alot in bed, and yes he can 'ease my frustration' without actual sex, but its the sex i want.

He has put on some weight, and i do know he has self esteem issues, and he suffers from depression. But sometimes i think, i fancy him so much, i just want to jump him, why cant he feel the same.

I have also put on a little bit of weight since the start of the relationship, maybe he finds that off putting.

Brian_Uckfast

he could be feeling under pressure to perform. By making it clear that you want sex, you're actually making him nervous, I'd say.
Its a frightening thought: not living up to your gfriends expectations!

Just my opinion!

shellyboo

MeMyself&I wrote: »

He does things to get me off, and they help, its just the actual skin to skin (on top of each other) part that he has a problem with.

Oh, ok. I see what you mean now.

That's a puzzler. If he's depressed, he's probably quite emotionally detached - which is why actual intercourse is a problem for him. It's very intimate, and you have to be in the right headspace for it. Oral... it's not really the same, I think. I'm no man, but I reckon it's easier to view a blow job as a 'release'; whereas you can't really do that with sex when it' someone you care about.

I really feel for you, it must be a horrible situation. As for you putting on weight... unless it's a significant amount, like, over a stone or something, then I doubt you've much to worry about.

A solution? Not sure there is one, unfortunately. Is he on medication for his depression? Because that can kill your libido. And if he's not undergoing treatment, then that's something you need to look at before you can try to fix your sex life.

Dublin_Gunner

If its his weight that may be causing an issue - maybe there are some things you could do together that could help with that issue.

Going for nice walks in the evening (the weather has been mostly great lately for walking), swimming etc

The more physical exercise the better - and believe me, if you can get the blood flowing with maybe a bit of a run or something, that sex drive will start to come right back.

How about getting some weights or something at home? That way, if you can get him to start using them, you can give all the confidence boosts he needs. Touch his arm, tell him his biceps are looking great etc

I generally have a ridiculously high sex drive, while my better half does not, and for some reason the other day she wanted to go again after about 30 mins, but I didn't - weird, but it happens sometimes.

I do however think its a bit odd for him to accept BJ's regularly, but not want sex - doesn't seem the sex drive would be the issue then.

How about you dont give him any choice in his source of sexual release other than intercourse? Then he wont have a choice but to get down to it.

Hopefully this is just a temporary thing, best of luck sorting it out.

MeMyself&I

Thank you for replying.

I know he has a definate problem with his weight, and i have accepted that. i have made lots of suggestions regardsing this, both of us have just gone on a diet, and we have got a bit more active.

I dont think i make him that nervous about sex, as he knows how much i enjoy it, even a little quickie makes me extremely happy. Im not demanding in bed either, and i dont expect him to be pron star quality.

He's not being treated for his depression, but he is on the right tracks to get help.

I do hope that this will improve, and i have cut back on the BJ's until things have improved. MAybe i making a big deal about this, as some weekends, the sex is amazing and in plenty of supply.

I probably always assumed that all men wanted plenty of sex!!

Dublin_Gunner

MeMyself&I wrote: »

I probably always assumed that all men wanted plenty of sex!!

Well as I said above - I usually would want it multiple times a day if I could get it, and then the other day, once was enough, and I turned my gf down - dont think I'd ever done that before! But strange things happen sometimes.

You really just have to let him know that you love him for being him, and this is important to you because it makes you happy and makes you feel closer to him, in an intimate way.

This could just be a bit of a phase and in a few weeks he'll be back to himself.

Keep working on the exercise thing - but I'd lay off the diets, just eat proper food.

Maybe he's lacking in energy? Iron? Protein?

Get him eating good foods like fresh pasta, vegetables, plenty of fruit - and drinking plenty of water.

I'm an avid dismisser of diets - people need to merely not eat crap, and treat their bodies well and you'll (everyone I mean) would reap the rewards.

I'm a bit of a hypocrite as I'm a smoker though! ;P

But the good food and bit of exercise will make the world of difference.

Hope I may have helped even a little, and I hope you sort it all out

Taltos

Diet is a great idea - as is exercise - while in the short-term you will be more tired - in the longterm the benefits will be good.

Depression - while diet and exercise may help - this is one area he might need some professional help on. An area that most ignore - but will have impacts to all areas of his life.

BJ's - cutting back is a good idea. BUT - if you do not enjoy this and find it painful then you might think of making this a longterm change, especially with the news last week of links to throat cancer. Rule of thumb - if you both do not enjoy it - then don't do it.

"MAybe i making a big deal about this" - you are not - sex is obviously important to you and can be a great part of a healthy relationship. However in many relationships the frequency does decline due to work committments etc - but you seem to be making moves on some of this.

"I probably always assumed that all men wanted plenty of sex!!" - energy levels, self-worth/image, depression, time all play into this

If you are not getting the frequency maybe work on improving the quality - you know - weekend away or a planned date, introduce some toys like Rampant Rabbit etc. Sometimes a small change can have a good impact.

prinz

Maybe he's just lazy.Maybe he just isnt into frequent displays of affection. His sex drive could be shot to pieces. Maybe he has just settled into a routine / rut and finding it hard to get out of.Maybe you should talk to him about this and see what he has to say.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Diet is a great idea - as is exercise - while in the short-term you will be more tired - in the longterm the benefits will be good.

unless of course the diet fails, which is more than likely and then the knock on affect of this may cause a person to end up heavier than at the beginning. In this case if the guy is suffering from depression already a failed diet really would not help. Education about eating I think is a lot more productive, long term than diets.

Talking i think is key with your partner on this one, try and get him to open up with conflict.
always works for me to sit down with out the telly box on and have a chat!

good luck!