Possible betrayal?

LegacyUser

Hello guys, just wanted a bit of advice if poss.

Basically, I have this feeling that my boyfriend could have possibly cheated on me in the past, whether it be just a kiss or more....he would never admit it if he did because he knows I would be gone but to be honest, I would find it easier to deal with if he had because at the moment, it is as if I am going through the same suffering with no actual proof.

He has had many an opportunity to tell me, I have been on at him a lotttttt! I always try to ask when he is in a vunerable state (ie. drunk!) where the truth is more likely to come out but time and time again he insists he has never ever done anything wrong, he has been faithful to me but why am I still so worried?

I think what has set it off is his ex colleagues, they didn't think twice about cheating and he used to go on staff nights out and he told me one of the guys tried to team my boyfriend up with another girl and he said no because he was taken. Why did this lad have to do that to me, especially when he knows me, and also why did my boyfriend have to even disclose that to me? Ever since then, I have had doubts, and this was 2 years ago! Luckily he doesn't see these men anymore but this doesn't mean he hasn't had other opportunities.

I don't want this feeling to be a sign I am right, I really don't know what to do because it is driving me insane. How do I let go? How do I get the truth out or do you think he could be telling the truth?

Kimia

HI Op. Go back and read your post again yourself. It's exhausting. You are stressing yourself out no end and for absolutely no other reason than a 'feeling'.

What do you want out of this? You're not getting anywhere, you're not finding anything out, he's maintained that he has never cheated on you. What more do you want? You obviously don't trust him. You sound like you're very close to getting him followed or something. You have been on at him, asking has he been cheating on you for 2 years??? Give the guy a break!

It sounds like you have your own issues of insecurity. Stop wasting all your energy on finding out has he cheating and trying to trick him when he's drunk, and spend more energy on sorting your head out. This is not healthy.

bluecell99

Your fixation on " getting the truth" will ultimately destroy your relationship.

Cleraly you cant relax and see that people will aways be attracted to others whether in a relationship or not.Does not mean they act on it.Its human nature.

Your behaviour will send him running eventually.He is with you not anyone else and yet this is ot enough for you.

You need to work on trust issues and focus on why you are deeply unhappy.Because you are.I dont want to sound harsh but perhaps its at the stage where you need to discuss with a trained and non-judgmental person.

Please do as no relationship will survive your state of mind.

PCPhoto

this is simple ...OP ...relax !!!

you feel like your boyfriend may be cheating...... the reason why he told you about the "opportunity" two years ago - was that he was being honest with you and he was willing/able to stay away from temptation - BECAUSE HE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU !!!

He has feelings for you - and wont/doesnt want to hurt you by cheating..... either you learn to trust your guy ...or you will loose him.

(this might sound strange but make the effort to do something nice for your guy.... and in return he'll hopefully get the hint and do something nice for you - and help with you feel more comfortable.)

LegacyUser

OP this kind of obsessive behaviour will in fact lead him to cheat.

You have said that two years ago he came home and told you something that happened, why did he tell you that maybe becasue he thought he was in a loving relationship and honesty is the best policy instead you have turned that honesty against him.

You now pester him when he is drunk or tired and why do you think you do this?

I dont think you want the truth anymore I think you want to be hurt I think you are trying to destroy this relationship with this kind of destructive behaviour.

For whatever reason you dont want this relationship or perhaps any relationship to be a success. You are already looking for the escape exit "I would be gone" but you dont even know anything has happened.

As others have said you may need to evaluate with the help of a professional why you are trying to destroy this relationship.

LegacyUser

Hi, thank you for your advice. I do sometimes feel I am driving myself mad and although yes he is with me, he loves me etc...people do make mistakes, they go out, get drunk, and you know the rest. I appreciate him being honest enough to tell me but another part of me makes me think he was covering his arse in case one of the lads said something to me.

He said she was fat and ugly, could this be why he said no or was it to make me feel better??

bubblewrap

What is the truth? Only he knows the answer to that and the only way you may possibly have a chance in finding the answer is not by threatening to leave if he ever cheats but to open your heart and let him know exactly how much this is hurting you and to ask him to tell the 100% truth, whether he had a little peck on the lips or he really did not do anything.

His mates sound like children, "hey look at me cheating on my gf, here have one for yourself" :rolleyes: I hope he is man enough to stand his ground and not follow them just to stick with the lads.

Only you know what type of person he is, what is he like when drunk?

Also another thing that stood out for me, you are expecting the truth to be "yes I cheated, I am sorry", why can't you believe the truth could be "no I have never cheated"? Have you been hurt before? My guess is yes you have and you only believe the truth is bad news.

Had he done ANYTHING, he wouldn't have put anything in your mind at all, he wouldn't have mentioned any girls and lads most certainly do not grass their mates up to their gf's so he wouldn't have had to "cover his arse" because men don't do that to each other. My opinion anyway.

How long have you been together? 2 years is a hell of a long time ago and even if he did kiss someone, if he loves you, he would deeply regret it and hopefully learn from it. I am not saying he did anything but even if he did, it is a long time ago and you need to look to the future, if you want one with him that is.

TheIronyMaiden

Unregistered wrote: »

He said she was fat and ugly, could this be why he said no or was it to make me feel better??

You really shouldn't be thinking about things in that way!
To be honest OP from your posts [and I don't mean this in an offensive way] it sounds like you have some insecurity issues; you seem to be determined to prove your bf cheated and think the worst of him, regardless of the evidence in front of you?

I think you should try and get past this. Think of it from your boyfriends point of view; if he hasn't cheated and you're behaving as if he has, he'll be really offended! Wouldn't you be if it were the other way around?

Queen-Mise

Unregistered wrote: »

He said she was fat and ugly, could this be why he said no or was it to make me feel better??

For gods sake, LET IT GO, its finished, its two years ago. Read the posts that were alreay written, you have a problem.

You are obsessing, analysing, re-examining something that happened two years ago. And then trying to justify it by saying people do stupid things drunk.

Read the above posts again, go and look at yourself and not him.
You may well have given him two years of abuse for nothing. That in my opinion is very sick behaviour.

bubblewrap

Maybe she was fat and ugly, even if she wasn't, you to him are worth a million times more than a stranger in a pub. All I can say is, he was being honest telling you this in the first place, maybe bigging himself up to you to show other ladies find him attractive, it is an ego boost. Leave it at that.

I think after 2 years of this abuse(!), he would have said something by now if he had because he wouldn't be able to take any more!

Just concentrate on being a good gf, stop obsessing (I know it is hard). If you are confident within yourself, not comparing yourself to fat ugly women in pubs then he will have no reason to go elsewhere!

Kimia

OP if you keep this up, he will cheat on you. Sure you think he is anyway so what has he got to lose?

STOP NOW. It's not healthy, and you are extremely lucky that he has stayed with you this long through your nutty investigations.

Pub07

Fair plate to him for sticking out this 2 years of non-stop crap from you. He must like you a lot, I woulda been gone in no time if a girl started that irrational jealous paranoia craic with me.

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

I appreciate him being honest enough to tell me but another part of me makes me think he was covering his arse in case one of the lads said something to me.

Ok - I've read your posts & I'm sorry but you really should have more trust in your bf. You can't have a stable relationship without trust. You're overthinking and second guessing every action which is really not helping you. You asked him, he responded, you should believe that. If you don't then you have an issue that needs resolving.

Unregistered wrote: »

He said she was fat and ugly, could this be why he said no or was it to make me feel better??

IMO yes he probably did say it to make you feel better. Whether she was 20stone & looked like an elephant or was 7st & looked like Jessica Alba, it doesn't matter. Someone tried to set him up and he said no. There's your answer. He didn't. and if you can't trust that, then I don't know how you're going to continue in the relationship

LegacyUser

Thank you for helping me, I know I need to let go. I am not going to gain anything by thinking this way, whether he did anything or not, me knowing will tear us apart. I am also tearing us apart by acting like this, why does cheating have to be so common? It wouldn't bother me if people weren't so readily available to sleep with a taken person.:(

Kimia

Unregistered wrote: »

It wouldn't bother me if people weren't so readily available to sleep with a taken person.:(

Yes it's awful that there is cheating people out there, but that has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship.

Come on now, you know you're acting a little crazy. Be very careful and pull back from this brink of madness, or you will lose him.

LegacyUser

Sorry to be like this, I just can't help thinking he has done something but is scared to tell me, as if I believe men aren't capable of being faithful (someone did ask if I have been hurt before, the answer is yes - by 98% of the men I have dated).

I don't want to lose him, I want to stop feeling this way but what if it is intuition rather than loopyness?

bubblewrap

It is difficult to let go of bad thoughts and emotions, it is easier to believe the worst in anything, well that is true in my case.

Everytime you get an image of your bf kissing another girl, replace it with a nice thought, of him kissing you! That is who he is with. Yes people make mistakes and cheat, but it doesn't have to mean he has. I think by now he would have said something, it seems to be what you want to hear. Would you be satisfied if he said he had?

Kimia

OP seriously read over the advice already given to you in this thread. It seems to me you may need professional advice as you are not hearing what everyone is saying to you.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't want to lose him, I want to stop feeling this way but what if it is intuition rather than loopyness?

It's not. It's really not.

What it is, is loopyness - and it's that loopyness that's going to make you lose him if you don't stop. If you can't stop thinking it, at least stop saying it to him. Because while there's no guarantee that he has/hasn't/will/won't cheat on you, acting like a crazy, neurotic, paranoid nag is guaranteed to drive him away. Guaranteed. If you don't want to lose him, you're really going the wrong way about it.

LegacyUser

I would say around 70% of mates regularly cheat on girlfriends and have in the past even tried to set me up with women when I was with someone but it doesnt mean I would go through with it. Never have and am pretty sure I never would. Some of us men do have self control, morals and actually care for the people we are with so my advice is to stop worrying OP and try to be a great girlfriend so that he wont go off and cheat cause I know if my girlfriend was constantly on at me for cheating when I hadnt I would prob think I should just to shut her up. I would also feel hurt that she had little trust in me.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I would say around 70% of mates regularly cheat on girlfriends and have in the past even tried to set me up with women when I was with someone but it doesnt mean I would go through with it. Never have and am pretty sure I never would. Some of us men do have self control, morals and actually care for the people we are with so my advice is to stop worrying OP and try to be a great girlfriend so that he wont go off and cheat cause I know if my girlfriend was constantly on at me for cheating when I hadnt I would prob think I should just to shut her up. I would also feel hurt that she had little trust in me.

Thank you for your advice, it helps to hear a man's perspective. It is the same as anything, people tend to ignore the nice things and tar everyone with the same brush. It would be his loss if he cheated anyway.

LegacyUser

Exactly, if he takes it upon himself to think he is being clever messing behind your back, then he will need to prepare himself to face the consequences. However, it is possible to keep your hands/mouth/trouser contents to yourself. You must have been out with some right rotters to have this attitude.

Until he gives you reason to worry, then stop imagining him with other girls. No one likes the idea of their partner with someone else, you are driving yourself mad over thin air.

It isn't the end of the world even if he did. It is ****ty but people get over it.

But for now, he never did anything - you can't do anything about the past, the what if's. Just tell yourself he is innocent, because that is all you can do. You need to trust, I know it leaves you open to being hurt but you are hurting yourself now 24/7, take a leap and be brave!

bubblewrap

Your overactive mind will not change whether he did/didn't do anything. Change your thinking, stop telling yourself he cheated, start telling yourself he loves you and no one else.

You are right, it would be his loss if he had done something, remember that but stop putting so much pressure on the relationship.