He lLied - am I overreacting?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I need some advice. My OH told me a lie over the weekend and I need to know if I am overreacting?

My OH went on a lads weekend last weekend. He went for 3 days. This I have no problem with at all. He was due to come home on the boat on Sunday night (they got the boat over - UK)- arrive early monday morning. I was away myself for the weekend and would not be home until Monday afternoon.

Anyway he got the boat over to UK but it was a dreadful boat etc and he was talking about getting a flight home. He went on Friday and I told him on Friday to call me that evening or the next morning if he wanted me to book him a flight home and i would arrange something for him.

I spoke to him over the weekend and he said nothing about getting a flight home. Then on Sunday afternoon he called to ask me to book him a flight (last minute). I tried to get him a flight for that night and told him I could get him one that night or first thing the next morning. He said he wanted a later one the next day if I could get it. I was very annoyed at this as he had 3 full days and nights drinking with the lads and I thought he should come home when he had originally said. Is this unfair or me??

Anyway to cut a long story short I told him if he wasnt getting the early morning flight home he had to get the boat home and that he could not make the trip any longer than we had originally agreed. He got a bit annoyed but said he would get the boat home.

When he did get home I asked him how the boat trip was and did the rest of the guys get the boat etc. He told me the boat was ok and some of the lads got flights some got the boat blah blah blah. I had been speaking to my parents and his parents and was telling them he was getting the boat home nad would be back at such and such a time.

I finally found out he booked a flight home (the early morning one - I have no problem with this at all) and I was so annoyed with him. He has not said much about it as I was really angry when I found out that i just didn't speak to him much at all but I am very hurt by this. Am I right? I really hate people lying to me. I know this lie is not a big one or anything but I fell let down that he lied to me at all and I also hate that my parents and his and his friends know that he lied to me. I feel a little like the trusting girl who they are laughing at (I know parents are not laughing at me I just feel like it shows everyone that he thinks it is ok to lie to me).

Please tell me if I am overreacting? I was going to try and speak to him about it tonight to explain how hurt I am and that I will not accept lies. What would all you guys do?

Sorry for the long post.

G-Money

Howdy,

I think you might be over-reacting a wee bit. My guess is that he really didn't want to get the boat home and decided to book the flight himself. If I've read your post correctly, I think you said you were annoyed that he got the flight home and not the boat. I reckon he knew you'd be annoyed so rather than get into an argument, he just let you think he didn't fly home.

Either way, at the end of the day I don't think it's that big of a deal. I'm guessing he doesn't go away with the lads all the time so the trip being one day longer wasn't really that big of a deal (unless you had already made plans that he cancelled on to do so).

Yeah it's not nice when someone isn't being completely honest but in this case it doesn't sound like it's some sort of big orchestrated lie campaign that you are the only one excluded from. My guess is that he didn't want an argument over it so that's why he didn't say anything about it.

Besides, hasn't there been at least one occassion during your time together that you didn't tell him the 100% truth over something???

Relax, it's no biggie.

bluecell99

Sorry but yes you are over-reacting - bigtime.People in general dont like their every move monitored and it comes across as you tracking him and wanting to be in control.

You knew he was going away for a few days.That should be the end of it.Whether he changes the transport or comes a bit later or earlier is no cause for drama and is up to him.Not you.

get over it or risk the relationship.

abouttobebanned

Anyway to cut a long story short I told him if he wasnt getting the early morning flight home he had to get the boat home and that he could not make the trip any longer than we had originally agreed. He got a bit annoyed but said he would get the boat home.

WTF are you his legal guardian?

You can't be ordering around people like this.

Ave Sodalis

Hmmm, I see you point. Well if I were you, I would ask him about it. See why he lied and caused confusion over the weekend. Don't demand to know though, just ask. Prehaps there is a good reason (although I can't see one, but there still might). I would ask your parents too.

I don't think any of them are laughing at you. If he was lying for no reason or for a bad one, I would then remind him that you don't accept lies, and that it upset you to hear them.

LegacyUser

OP here.

It is not that he got the plane instead of the boat or that he was not home at the time he said he would be that annoyed me it was the fact that he lied to me that annoyed me.

I would not have been annoyed with him getting home by any means of transport as long as he was honest with me. I just think if he can lie about something so trivial what else could he lie about. I don't like other people knowing things like this that I dont especially when it is about us.

I don't risk ruining the realtionship - we are married and have been together for 15 years. I didn't blow my top over this I just told him I was hurt by the fact he lied to me about it.

WHat he did is not big deal - the fact he lied about it to me is

Drummerboy2

I don't mean to be mean but I too think you are being very OTT. You do seem like a bit of a control freak. I don't really see what difference it makes whether he comes home by boat or plane. I'm sure he just told you what you wanted to hear for the easy life.

TerrorFirmer

Way over the top. He wanted to extend his time with the lads a little bit, understandably. I'm sure it's not every weekend he's away on a lads weekend, but that aside, his request was hardly criminal in the first place. Sorry, but if you're not told that you're acting like a brat, you won't change. The 'lie' seems - at least from what you've described her - as a necessary one just to stop you nagging him about it when he finally does get home.

Kimia

Yea you are overreacting. He wanted to stay with the lads for an extra day but didn't want you giving out to him so he did what he wanted anyway and tried to avoid the inevitable fight.

I would pick your battles - this isn't worth it.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

WHat he did is not big deal - the fact he lied about it to me is

No offence, but maybe he's lying about trivial things because he knows telling the truth will elicit this kind of reaction?

Kimia

Completely agree with Neil. It was a small offence, but obviously he has experienced your reactions to this kind of thing before, so he lied to avoid the row.

I don't think he's a liar, and that you can't trust him. I think he sounds whipped actually and rather than stand up to you he'll lie. If you don't back off he'll continue lying, because you are being too hard on him.

ps. obviously don't condone lying by any means, and am not excusing it. But the reason he lied is because he wants to avoid confrontation with you, and this confrontation was unnecessary and avoidable if you were a little more easy going.

John_Mc

Totally OTT. Who are you to tell him how/when he can get home? If my other half told me that I couldn't get a flight home like you did I'd break it off immediately.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi All,
I was very annoyed at this as he had 3 full days and nights drinking with the lads and I thought he should come home when he had originally said. Is this unfair or me??

Anyway to cut a long story short I told him if he wasnt getting the early morning flight home he had to get the boat home and that he could not make the trip any longer than we had originally agreed. He got a bit annoyed but said he would get the boat home.

First off, who are you to tell him when or how he should come home?? You were way out of order here and had no reason to get annoyed or any right to tell what he could or could not do.

I would not have been annoyed with him getting home by any means of transport as long as he was honest with me. I just think if he can lie about something so trivial what else could he lie about. I don't like other people knowing things like this that I dont especially when it is about us.

total contradiction with your earlier post, see above quote. You WERE annoyed with him.

WHat he did is not big deal - the fact he lied about it to me is

No it's not, I can see why he lied given your earlier ott reaction. Poor man is just trying to keep the peace

LegacyUser

Neil1984 what kind of reaction? I just didn't have much to say to him - as I said I just wanted to know if I was right to be annoyed by the fact he told me a trivial lie.

I dont care that he went away or stayed longer or how he got home. All I care about is that he lied to me. I would not have reacted badly if he had been honest with me. So it is only by telling me lies that he got any reaction in the first place.

I never nag him - we get on very well and never fight at all but that is beacuse we are honest with each other and give each other freedom to do things apart.

I guess from all the responses I have discovered I just dont like lies and I must take them more to heart than others

Thanks for all your replies.

ogriofa

yeah, don't want to be mean, but I'd have done exactly the same thing.

Have you looked at this from his point of view? You said that he was "annoyed", there's a clue.

I'd be waiting for YOU to apologise.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

LegacyUser

OP Here again,

I think I must have come across wrong in my post. I have never nagged him about anything like this and we never fight. We are both pretty easy going and do our won thing with friends.

To be honest all his friends are always telling him he is so lucky to have a wife that allows him go on all the weekends and nights out they have with no nagging. Then normall have to pick some of the trips as their wives nag them if they go on more than one or two of them. My husband gets to go on all of them (and I encourage him to go).

He normally tells me all about the trips (he tells me when they got strip clubs etc and we laugh about this). I think this is why I trust him so much and why I hate that he lied to me about something so small.

Perhaps I am going ott on this but I still feel hurt he lied

Bam33

OP

I think you have every right to be upset that he lied to you. I don't think it is ok for him to lie to you to stop you nagging as other posters have suggested.

I think it is OTT to be annoyed by how he got home but I do think you should speak to him about the fact he lied to you regardless of whether it was a big or small lie.

He should know this hurt you. Don't bottle up the fact that you are hurt by lies.

MagicMarker

He asked you to book a flight later on in the day and you refused because he wouldn't go on the early morning flight?

I'm sorry, are you a child ffs?

So he got the flight and lied about it, big woop.

jdivision

TBH I think you were acting extremely childishly and he booked the flight home without telling you because of it. This one's on you I tihnk.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for all your comments. I have taken it all on board and will not mention this to the OH again.

Case closed. Thanks again

ziedth

Unregistered wrote: »

I was very annoyed at this as he had 3 full days and nights drinking with the lads and I thought he should come home when he had originally said.

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont care that he went away or stayed longer or how he got home.

Now its understandable that you don't want to be proved wrong so its natural to backtrack in your head and change your story so I'm not going to get onto you for it I said I'd just point out this out to you.

First of all If it had been me I would have hung up the phone on ya and got the later flight for the sake of maybe 20 hours and you said you wouldn't be at home to see him anyway.

To me it would seem that he got the flight home out of spite becuse he was more then likely annyoed with you for throwing the toys out of the pram over him wanting to stay on the extra night. then more then likely thought better of telling you because he didn't want the argument.

You seem like a mature person so I'm sure I don't have to tell you the world is not as easy "oh he lied what a betrayal".

I take lying very seriously also but little white lies like this just have to be said you found out and maybe be a little thick with him. If this is the worst you have to complain about then good for you for having such a nice marraige.

LegacyUser

ziedth thank you for your post. I was annoyed he was asking to stay longer as most of the guys were coming home and I just thought if he went away with them he should have come home with them.

I can see I was saying two different things here - thanks for pointing it out.

I must have posted wrong. I was away but I was going to be home the same day as him and we were going to go for dinner as we had not spend any time over Easter together. His extra night would have cancelled out that dinner date.

It really is the lying that bothers me though. I think if you start lying where will it end and I think if I am seen to not get a little miffed over a lie he will think it is ok to lie to me about things.

I thought it would be ok for me to be quiet with him for a day (until this evening) and then explain to him that I was hurt by the lie? Is this totally OTT?

Kimia

I get your point OP and sorry if I was harsh. I still think it was a bit OTT but I understand where you are coming from.

What I would do is sit him down when you meet him this evening, and say to him, "I'm sorry if I overreacted. I know you enjoy your time with your friends and I would never get in the way of that, as you deserve it, but I feel uncomfortable that you lied to me, so please don't do that again."

Tell him that lying is not something you want to have in your relationship. However, if he feels like you're being unfair or too restrictive he should be able to tell you without you getting annoyed. Give and take.

ziedth

Unregistered wrote: »

I must have posted wrong. I was away but I was going to be home the same day as him and we were going to go for dinner as we had not spend any time over Easter together. His extra night would have cancelled out that dinner date.

Its no problem,

TBF to you, it is a little different that you had plans and I can understand why you would be annoted even though I might have done the same thing in your fellas position. In fact I'm pretty sure I have done

Ya be a little quiet with him and explain calmly that you don't appreciate lies in the relationship and you'd like to be hoest with each other ETC ETC.

Best of luck with it,

try to remember in the future to keep things in prespective that little things like tha don't need to be a drama. You only have to read a few threads to realise how lucky you and I for that matter have it

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I thought it would be ok for me to be quiet with him for a day (until this evening) and then explain to him that I was hurt by the lie? Is this totally OTT?

FFS.

OP, this is passive aggressive bullsh*t, toddler behaviour. 'I'm not talking to you because of this thing that you did.' Absolutely ridiculous.

Yes, you are overreacting. Get over it. If you can't get over it, say it to him that you're annoyed instead of acting like a child. You say you've been married 15 years, I'd have thought you'd be over teenage playacting like the silent treatment by now.

NewFrockTuesday

Anyway to cut a long story short I told him if he wasnt getting the early morning flight home he had to get the boat home and that he could not make the trip any longer than we had originally agreed. He got a bit annoyed but said he would get the boat home.

I must have posted wrong. I was away but I was going to be home the same day as him and we were going to go for dinner as we had not spend any time over Easter together. His extra night would have cancelled out that dinner date.

You couldn't cut him a break for one nigt even if youve had 15 years of him? Even knowing he didnt like travelling on the boat?

I thought it would be ok for me to be quiet with him for a day (until this evening) and then explain to him that I was hurt by the lie? Is this totally OTT?

+ 1 to Shellyboos response.

this is passive aggressive bullsh*t, toddler behaviour.

LegacyUser

Shellyboo

I said we are married and have been together for 15 years not we are married for 15 years.

I didn't say I wasn't speaking to him I just said I was quiet (not speaking as much as I normally would).

I have told him I was hurt by the lie.

I'm asking for advice not for you to use such agressive language and name calling. If you have some advice please give it but I don't need the agressiveness thanks.


Ziedth you are correct I am very lucky and I want to keep my relationship as good as it has been for the last 15 years. I have seen many relationships destroyed by lies and I don't want any (big or small between me and my husband).

Kimia Thanks for the advice. I will talk to him this evening about it and apologise for the overreaction but explain that I don't want llies in the relationship.

bubblewrap

I think for someone who is cool about her husband going on weekends away with the lads and going to strip clubs, getting stressed over which form of transport he took is over reacting slightly. I know it is the principle of it, no one likes being lied to and it is a pretty weird thing to lie about really but maybe just let it lie.

Storm_rages

Hi Op,

Eh i have to admit i too think you are in the wrong here. I think you were way out of line. In my head the conversation should have gone like this..

Husband "Hi honey, how would you feel about me staying on a day"

Wife "Well not great dear, we have that dinner"

Husband "oh i forgot about that... ok not to worry, see you soon"
Or
"oh i forgot about that.. how important is it, could i make it up to you another night"

Wife "ok dear"

See if you said to me "no you can't stay" i would stay another two nights, just to be difficult.. I hate people telling me what to do, i am all grown up now!!

LegacyUser

thanks storm_rages,

I know i made it sound like I TOLD him he had to come home but I want actually said was "I think you should come home with the rest of the guys you went with so we can spend some time together before the long weekend is over".

I really dont care that he got a flight - I would rather he did this than suffer on the boat - i just really hate lies. I think they can wreck a marriage. I'm not saying this is big enough to wreck a marrigae I know it is a trivial thing. I just feel I should let him know I was hurt by it and the he does not need to lie to me about anything.

There were only one or two people staying on and none of them are friends of his. I would never tell him what to do nor he me. We encourage each other to spend time with friends and have these weekends away as we are still quite young and we don't feel we should have to give these up.

I think I actually made myself sound worse in my first post.

Storm_rages

That is possible Op..

I think have a good chat with him, as much as lies can hurt a good relationship so can the silence!

I would ask him why he lied- I would guess he either did not want to have a fight with you about it (this is where you need to be very honest with yourself and ask would you have blown up if he had told you the truth!)

But listen to what he has to say and maybe think about the whole thing over.


Best of luck!

Terodil

Hi OP,

I can understand you. Following your first post, I would have told you that you went way overboard with your initial reaction towards him wanting to stay longer, but you have put that into perspective with your latter posts. Had you not done that, I would have said that you both ended up in the wrong and should just have a talk, apologise to each other and wipe the slate clean.

With your recent amendments, assuming that they are truthful, accurate and not affected by memory effects, I can see why you are angry with him. Lying is a very slippery slope. They start small and can easily evolve into a bad habit. I don't agree with applying the 'white lie' concept to the case in question at all. 'White lies', for me, are lies that you need to use to not spoil (pleasant!) surprises for your partner, nothing else. They definitely are not 'let's avoid conflict' lies.

I will gladly accept that different people have different standards. For me personally, honesty and truthfulness are principles that I hold very dear, and I'd hate myself or anybody else for violating them, even (or maybe especially) in such a trivial case as this. I follow your train of thought, if he lies so easily here, where else will he find it convenient to lie in the future?

Your current suggestions for responses are not viable though. You do not want to 'toss your toys out of the pram' as another poster said harshly, but correctly. Have a talk with him, maybe apologise first for what may have come across wrongly, but then explain how important honesty is and that you never, ever want him to lie to you again. You definitely do not want lies to fester in your relationship, and nobody has the right to tell you to ignore such trust-breaking behaviour, IMO.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Neil1984 what kind of reaction? I just didn't have much to say to him - as I said I just wanted to know if I was right to be annoyed by the fact he told me a trivial lie.

I think you answered your own question there.
You are annoyed by a trivial lie. Trivial. Silly, stupid and totally understandable lie given your refusal to let him fly home when he asked you to book him the flight.

You are over reacting. To be honest he should have told you and shouldn't have felt he had to lie about something as ridiculous as this.

save your anger for the big lies. They're the ones to be worried about.

LegacyUser

hi op,

feel like you're really gettin a hard time on here! i don't think there's anything wrong with you being annoyed because he lied. nor do i feel you've blown it out of proportion or gone ott. you were right to let him know that him lying has hurt you. especially when ye had plans for the monday evening i feel like he was bein selfish to not just have come home when he said he would.

LegacyUser

Terodil,

Thank you so much - I feel like you get where I am coming from. I do hold truth and honesty as a very important part of a relationship. I just cannot tolerate lies. Like you I don't diferintiate between white lies and other lies. a lie is a lie to me and a white one hurts as much as a deceitful one.

All amemdments are truthfull (I am new to this and didn't make my first post clear enough - lesson learned)

I agree if lies (white or not) start where do they stop. I am not freaking out about this lie. I just need to know how to let him know it hurt me and that I never want him to llie to me about anything again. I don't want him to break my trust. We have a good thing and I want to keep it like that.

I will certainly apologies for the fact he took me up wrong (I was not clear enough). We are not in a big fight over this I just have been a bit quiet as I don't tend to make conversation much if I am a bit upset (not major upset just a little hurt). I have certainly not been ignoring him (we don't do that).

I think from what you have said I should apologise for the way I said it to him and explain exactly what I ment to say. I should also tell him I was hurt and ask him to never lie to me again (is this OTT?). I think if I dont say anything it will be more damaging to us than if we just have a chat??

Thanks again for all the advice

LegacyUser

Beth Lou - im interested what is a big lie???

I agree with the OP and Terodil a lie is a lie. She might not have been clear when speaking to him but he should never have lied to her. If she was being OTT and he had an issue with it he should have set her straight about it there and then or even when he got back told her the trutch not lied.

LegacyUser

op, i can see yor point, you just want to know why he lied by saying he got the boat when he actually got the plane.
it would annoy me too, i would just ask him what was the point in it?
small lies like this always make me think he could be lying be lying about other things too, im sure hes not, but i can def see your point.

petethebrick

I generally just send a quick text to say I'll be home a day or two late if I'm in a situation like your OH.
I stopped having to explain myself any further in situations like this when I left my parents home aged 18

LegacyUser

Petethebrick would you do this to your wife? You wouldn't even call her - after 15 years together even if you had plans?

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm asking for advice not for you to use such agressive language and name calling. If you have some advice please give it but I don't need the agressiveness thanks.

Then I'd advise you to take your own advice. If you have something to say to your husband, say it... but he doesn't need the passive-aggressiveness either .

Unregistered wrote: »

I have told him I was hurt by the lie.

And you've already spoken to him... so, like... get over it. No need to be intentionally "quiet" with him as an extra punishment or something.

Ziedth you are correct I am very lucky and I want to keep my relationship as good as it has been for the last 15 years. I have seen many relationships destroyed by lies and I don't want any (big or small between me and my husband).

Kimia Thanks for the advice. I will talk to him this evening about it and apologise for the overreaction but explain that I don't want llies in the relationship.[/quote]

Unregistered wrote: »

I just feel I should let him know I was hurt by it and the he does not need to lie to me about anything.

He obviously feels he does need to lie about it - and I'd bet money it's because of the way you reacted to it. You asked if you were over-reacting, you've got your answer. Now you need to try and fix that. So apologise to your husband for going OTT about it, then say you just really hate lies, no matter how small. And leave it at that.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Petethebrick would you do this to your wife? You wouldn't even call her - after 15 years together even if you had plans?

But he did call you.
He did ask you to book him a flight.
You refused.
When he rang, you could very easily have said that you were hoping to have that dinner.

Are you sure you're not annoyed over something else. It's ok if you are.
But if it is something else, you should tell him so that you can both fix it.

beth-lou

Unregistered wrote: »

Beth Lou - im interested what is a big lie???

I agree with the OP and Terodil a lie is a lie. She might not have been clear when speaking to him but he should never have lied to her. If she was being OTT and he had an issue with it he should have set her straight about it there and then or even when he got back told her the trutch not lied.

Eh, that would be I'm worrking late honey, but really he's down the pub with someone else.
I love you, but really he's having an affair.
Things like that.

This is a small lie. A lie is not a lie. There are all types of lies, and some of them are far more destructive than this one.

Fair enough if she is a bit annoyed by this one, totally understandable. But her question is am I over reacting, and I would say yes a bit. It is a lie, not nice, but not a big lie.

LegacyUser

I dont think the OP is suggesting this is a destructive lie she just doesnt believe in lies of any shape or form (correct me if I am wrong OP).

If he says I am working late but he is down the pub with friends (male friends) is this a white lie or a big lie?

If he says he will be home tonight and doesn't come home but says he said in a friends is this a trivial or a big lie?

If he says he is going to football but goes to a mates house is this a big lie or small lie?

It is a slippery slope and what one person thinks is a small lie another might think is a big one. The OP obviously thinks all lies are harmful regardless. I tend to agree but then everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Pub07

Unregistered wrote: »

thanks storm_rages,

I know i made it sound like I TOLD him he had to come home but I want actually said was "I think you should come home with the rest of the guys you went with so we can spend some time together before the long weekend is over".

I really dont care that he got a flight - I would rather he did this than suffer on the boat - i just really hate lies. I think they can wreck a marriage. I'm not saying this is big enough to wreck a marrigae I know it is a trivial thing. I just feel I should let him know I was hurt by it and the he does not need to lie to me about anything.

OK, you need to cop on about this lying thing. It's not black and white - this kind of thinking is irrational - "he lied about his favourite color, what next is he gonna lie about sleeping with his secretary?" You keep going on about how lies can wreck a marriage. White lies will never wreck a marriage, they'll mostly have neutral effect, although often a positive one as they will avoid rows. The purpose of a white lie is to smooth social interaction. One thing that can wreck a marriage though is irrational nagging and control freakery and making mountains out of molehills. That kind of behaviour can be extremely annoying. I personally will never again go out with someone who makes a big deal out of nothing and incites unnecessary rows, no matter how hot she might be. Well ok I might do her for a few weeks but I would have no interest long term.

White lies are often necessary, and sometimes essential, for functioning in society in general and in keeping everything running smoothly in a relationship, for example -
1) If my girfriend cooks me a dinner you can be guaranteed I'll say I liked it, even if I thought it was pretty rough.
2) Or if someone gives me a gift that I have zero interest and asks if I like it, Ill tell them thanks and that its great.
3) If I was supposed to do something, such as book a holiday for myself and the gf and I haven't bothered, Ill tell her that I did book it and then go and book it whenever it I get the time.

Think about the effects if I told the straight out truth in the above cases. How would that be of benefit to anyone? The whole point is to avoid causing unnecessary rows and offense which leads to a better relationships. Your husbands lie falls into the above category as he didn't see the point in telling you when obviously he knew you'd freak out over basically a non-issue, which you went and did and proved him right. You seem to have a particular irrational and unhealthy issue with white lies though which is unfortunate for him.

Pub07

Pub07 wrote: »

White lies are often necessary, and sometimes essential, for functioning in society in general and in keeping everything running smoothly in a relationship, for example -
1) If my girfriend cooks me a dinner you can be guaranteed I liked it, even if I thought it was pretty rough.
2) Or if someone gives me a gift that I have zero interest and asks if I like it, Ill tell them thanks and that its great.
3) If I was supposed to do something, such as book a holiday for myself and the gf and I haven't bothered, Ill tell her that I did book it and then go and book it whenever it I get the time.

Those aren't "necessary". Not even remotely. The first is patronising, the second is just downright lying, and the third makes you sound like a bold child lying to mammy so as not to get into trouble.

Think about the effects if I told the straight out truth in the above cases. How would that be of benefit to anyone?
The whole point is to avoid causing unnecessary rows and offense which leads to a better relationships.

*boggle*
You don't have to love something to appreciate effort. You don't have to love something to tell someone you appreciate their taking the time and trouble to get you a gift.
The last, that you would even think "I haven't bothered" and then "oh quick better fix it and not tell the gf, haha aren't I clever" is acceptable...

Pub07

bluewolf wrote: »

Those aren't "necessary". Not even remotely. The first is patronising, the second is just downright lying, and the third makes you sound like a bold child lying to mammy so as not to get into trouble.


*boggle*
You don't have to love something to appreciate effort. You don't have to love something to tell someone you appreciate their taking the time and trouble to get you a gift.
The last, that you would even think "I haven't bothered" and then "oh quick better fix it and not tell the gf, haha aren't I clever" is acceptable...

The whole point of those examples were they are everyday situations where rather than causing completely unnecessary offense or getting an earful of unnecessary nagging you say whatever is necessary to keep things running smoothly. Its not patronizing to say you liked the food someone has cooked for you even if you dont. I take it this is what would suggest in each of the examples if you dont believe in the concept of white lies -

1) 'That dinner was rotten but I appreciate you making it.'
2) 'No I dont like your gift at all. But hey its ok I appreciate that you got me something.'
3) No I haven't bothered to book the holiday yet' - cue: completely unnecessary mini row when I was planning to do book it anyway when I got the time.

If you don't agree what with that, what would be your responses be in each of those situations.

Pub07

Pub07 wrote: »

1) 'That dinner was rotten but I appreciate you making it.'

2) 'No I dont like your gift at all. But hey its ok I appreciate that you got me something.'

In all honesty how I'd react specifically would vary on the situation, body language and expressions would probably have to convey it. Even tactfully waiting til a (slightly) later time.

3) No I haven't bothered to book the holiday yet' - cue: completely unnecessary mini row when I was planning to do book it anyway when I got the time.

The issues I have with this are:
"I haven't bothered" = I don't give a damn and possibly forgot about it. That specific language "not bothered" clearly means this.
If you don't have time, say "look, I've been busy with x and not had a chance, am planning to tomorrow/day after/weekend/some specific timeframe". You don't say "I'm not bothered" with no reason.

Someone isn't going to care if you haven't booked a holiday just because you haven't had time, they'll care if :
1/ you left it long enough the prices went way up and you didn't have the common sense and respect to let them know so another arrangement could be found between you
2/ you indicate that you don't actually give a damn about booking a holiday, haven't done it only because of this and are just doing it to prevent any possible nagging.

... yeah, that about sums it up.
There's not going to be any unecessary mini row, I think the problem you may just have is lack of communication and compensating by lying. Even starting at the outset with the opinion that the other party is being unreasonable for being put out about a delay in booking a holiday really indicates you should take a look at how you approach these situations...

Silverfish

Back on topic.

StormWarrior

Unregistered wrote: »

I told him that he could not make the trip any longer than we had originally agreed. He got a bit annoyed but said he would get the boat home.

He told me the boat was ok

I finally found out he booked a flight home

I really hate people lying to me.

Firstly, why do you think you have the right to tell your boyfriend how long he can go on a trip for? If my boyfriend tried to control my movements I would dump his sorry arse. If he had gone away for months I could understand it, but a few extra hours? You sound controlling, and maybe your boyfriend felt he had to lie about his movements to prevent an argument?

Pub07

bluewolf wrote: »

In all honesty how I'd react specifically would vary on the situation, body language and expressions would probably have to convey it. Even tactfully waiting til a (slightly) later time.

So you've sidestepped the question, well done. It was a simple question, what is the best way to respond to those situations. Obviously wasn't simple for you to give a straight answer. What exactly do you mean convey with expressions and body language? I'd like to hear it. That sounds like waffle talk cos you dont have an answer. Telling a simple white lie, 'I liked the food you cooked', 'i like your gift' is all that is necessary to convey appreciation, you dont need to start using body language and expressions, whatever thats supposed to mean. As for waiting tactfully til a later time, what do you mean by this? Someone asks you did you like their food or gift, and you straight up refuse to answer, and then come back to them a bit later and say 'i didnt like your food but thanks for the effort'. Is that what you mean or are you just talking more waffle?

The issues I have with this are:
"I haven't bothered" = I don't give a damn and possibly forgot about it. That specific language "not bothered" clearly means this.
If you don't have time, say "look, I've been busy with x and not had a chance, am planning to tomorrow/day after/weekend/some specific timeframe". You don't say "I'm not bothered" with no reason.

Someone isn't going to care if you haven't booked a holiday just because you haven't had time, they'll care if :
1/ you left it long enough the prices went way up and you didn't have the common sense and respect to let them know so another arrangement could be found between you
2/ you indicate that you don't actually give a damn about booking a holiday, haven't done it only because of this and are just doing it to prevent any possible nagging.

I wouldn't have bothered cos I dont get around to things as quickly as my gf, they get done, but in my own time, not instantly. And as I said, mini-row, as in about 20 seconds of her getting on to me about not booking it. Its not gonna be a big deal to either of us but I could do without an unnecessary nagging, no matter how minor it is. The handiest thing all round is just to say Ive booked it and then book it when I get the chance, everyone's happy.

Silverfish wrote:

Back on topic.

I think it is on topic. The OP is getting totally worked up over a non-issue, a standard white lie that was told to keep the peace. She has an irrational view that white lies are the same as major lies and they could ruin her relationship. I was making the point that white lies are completely standard in tons of social situations and there's nothing wrong with them. Everybody tells white lies for smoother social interaction. The definition of a white lie is white lie 'an unimportant lie (especially one told to be tactful or polite)' which is completely different from lying about cheating or gambling/alchohol addiction or some other serious issue.

LegacyUser

Pub07

OP here I never said a "white" lie would ruin my marriage. I said I dont accept lies full stop. I also said the IMO if a person lies about one thing and it is accepted what else will they lie about.

I said I do not believe in any lies. In all of your examples I do not agree that you should have lied.

1) If my girfriend cooks me a dinner you can be guaranteed I'll say I liked it, even if I thought it was pretty rough.

You could just say thanks for dinner here and tell her it was really nice of her to make the effort. If she asked specifically if you liked it then tell her you didn't in a nice way - you don't have to say it was rotten. She will more than likely laugh about it with you not nag you.



2) Or if someone gives me a gift that I have zero interest and asks if I like it, Ill tell them thanks and that its great.

If someone gives you a gift you should know them pretty well. You would tahnk them for it but if they asked if you liked it and you didn't why would you not tell them it is not your taste and ask would they mind if you changed it. most people give gifts and hope they are liked but would rather you changed it if you didn't like it.

3) If I was supposed to do something, such as book a holiday for myself and the gf and I haven't bothered, Ill tell her that I did book it and then go and book it whenever it I get the time.

I am assuming that you were too busy and not that you havent bothered. You should tell her you were too busy and you will book it as soon as you get a chance. Unless she is totally unreasonable she will understand.

I think it is you that has an unhealthy attitude towards lying from your post but we are all entitled to our own opinions.

If you lied to me in any of the above situations it wouldnt break up the marriage but it would make me think we are not close enough that you could tell me the truth and that would hurt. Again this is just my opinion.