Very Angry with my Mother

LegacyUser

Not really sure where to start this off but it will probably be fairly long-winded, so apologies in advance.

Until recently my mother and I were what I would have called close but in the last while we have become more and more distant for various reasons, including that I am starting to address issues from my childhood and have been feeling intensely angry towards her over a lot of the things that transpired.

Things were brought to a head earlier this year when she cut contact with myself and my older brother because we weren’t ‘supportive enough’ for our other brother who was thrown in jail after robbing someone at knifepoint . AFAIC, he’s a scumbag and I want nothing to do with him. My mother is the opposite and for a number of years has been pouring all her time, energy and financial resources (which are very thin to begin with) into this criminal brother of mine. Things have gotten so bad that her partner, who is normally a very supportive man, is considering leaving her because all she is focussed on is this brother and what HE needs. Her relationships with people who actually care for her and don’t use her have all fallen by the wayside in the meantime and no one knows what to do to help her snap out of it. I will admit it gets my goat that she cares so much about what he’s ‘going through’ and his ‘trauma’ while my other brother and I, who are law-abiding, good people, are virtually ignored.

Anyway. This situation with my brother has started to pick a few scabs for me. As a child, my mother put me in a number of dangerous situations with her various partners. Her last long term partner was very violent towards myself and both brothers and she never did anything to stop what was happening. Because I was the youngest and unable to defend myself, his violent outbursts were often focussed on me and as a result, a large amount of my pre-teen and teenaged memories are of him beating me. I would beg and plead with my mother to leave him but she would tell me I was mouthy and unhelpful and I deserved it. He never raised a fist to her, so I know there was no real incentive for her to leave him. Watching her kids battered black and blue just wasn’t enough I guess.

As my mother was the sole bread-winner, and he couldn’t be bothered working, they made us go out and earn money. From the age of 10, I was told that my worth to the family was in how much money I could bring in. I always tried so hard, worked so hard, ate as little as I could, because I thought they would see how good I was and they would love me. I was constantly obsessing over money and to this day I have a weird relationship with it.

I always knew he was a tw@t, and when he died when I was 22 I was never happier. But I can’t help but think that my mother is worse than him for allowing what happened. She put her children into an abusive situation, she enabled him to do what he did. She watched and did nothing, not out of fear, more out of indifference.

I have been to counselling, it’s on hold for the time being because I can’t afford it. Does anyone have any advice on how to come through this? I don’t want to be a bitter and angry person all my life, but I also don’t want to let my mother get away with what she’s done. Obviously don’t want her to go to jail, but I want her to know how much she hurt me. I can’t imagine sitting by and watching my kids suffer and not lifting a finger to stop it.

Thanks for reading.

Terodil

First off, OP, I'm very sorry to read your history. I really do hope that you can manage to get over this and emerge the stronger from all the trouble life has heaped on you.

TBH I don't think embarking on a vengeance trip will be helpful to you at all. Maybe send her a letter where you write down everything you feel, at most.

You really should turn the page now and begin to lead your own, independent life and discover the joys that brings. Move to another place, make new friends, enjoy life. You are really old enough to stand on your own two feet, and I'm absolutely positive that you can do it. You need to get away from this environment where everything reminds you of your past and tears the wounds open again.

autograph

I agree with Terodil. I am familiar with another situation where a mother has a complete blind spot towards one daughter who has a son who was reared in the grandparents' home. No matter what this daughter, or her son, does, it's fine. Only problem is, it's not fine when other innocent siblings and their children, who have done absolutely nothing wrong, are made pay for all of this. Sad thing is that the mother is also a compulsive liar and tries to manipulate those whom she can control.
After many attempts to reason with the mother have failed, it was time to move on. A few token contacts during the year is what it's down to now. That's enough. Your sanity and well-being are what are most important now.

LegacyUser

God sounds pretty heavy OP and you have survived this far, and you seem to have great awareness about your situation,

I have a similar story to tell, and it was tough trying to get my life on track on my own but i managed to stay in the therapy,

What this did was cement my reality and gave me a great belief in myself and my truth, the more you can do this and love yourself out of this unloving situation the stronger you will become, do not give your mind away to anyone else reality of this situation especially your mothers! your truth is all that matters and you believing it!

if you can turn your experience into a positive one it will be the making of you, all the wisdom you have now will have taught you a lot about life, i would suggest focusing on healing yourself, and creating the best life you can have,

Put all your needs first, take some time out from everyone, There are free therapy places if you google them in your area, be selfish as they are being to you!


The best revenge against any abuse is achieving a good life for yourself!

If your working could you afford to buy, look into the affordable housing scheme,

I only got my home 2 years ago, god the security and relief it has given me after 11 years on my own is the best feeling in the world,

You sound like a strong person, wish you love and support xxxxxx

bluecell99

You've done very well so far.None of what happened is your fault.You need to let go.You are independent and strong and right-thinking.The world awaits.You had a desperate,despicable time and with the one person who is supposed to nurture and protect.I cant imagine how hard it must be.As an adult you now have many choices.One of which is to refuse to let any more thoughts of your mother or your thug brother enter your head.Nothing to do with you.You have risen above their pathetic lives and their disgusting behaviour.Move on.I mean in every sense.Have nothing whatever to do with them.

You deserve happiness.You will find it and enter a new place.But you must let go.Forget your mother.Easier said than done??No,I dont think so.Not in this case.

She cant hurt you anymoe - only if you let her.One of the ways that you would do that is to try to make her pay.This just feeds the bitterness and the memories and prevents you going forward.Banish all thoughts of her and be happy.