The grieving process

biggybum

My Gf and i have just split up after 2.5yrs. She was the most precious thing in my life and i'm feeling both physical and mentally sick with the last 48hrs. I gave all my heart to her, the most beutifull girl i ever set my eyes on has gone, and it was my fault. Basicly we had trust issues that spiralled out of control and got the better of us. I had been emailing and texting an old flame of mine and having been caught twice it still was'nt enough it happened a third and final time. I promised my gf i would'nt text/email her but i did! I've tried to explain that there was nothing going on which i can say hand on heart there was'nt, but the fact that i promised i would'nt reply has left her without any trust or confidence in me. I'm gutted to the core that i have lost someone that i bonded and loved SO much. I've had previous relationships but they were trial and error. I dont expect sympathy but i just don't feel like living at the moment, half of me is missing i'm broke without her. I'm hoping there is some light at the end of the tunnel

upmeath

It's your girlfriend's fault as much as it is yours, you should always trust the person you're with, trust issues can get blown out of all proportion a lot of the time and I think this is a prime example.
My current gf and I maintain contact with partners from previous relationships (I don't know her ex and she doesn't know mine, we've never met each others' ex), we happened to develop close friendships with our ex's before we met each other and you can't expect your other half to sever ties with someone who's become their friend just because there's history. You just have to appreciate that you're with the person you're with because they're better for you, and that builds trust.

biggybum

i have no reason not to trust her and yet i find myself worse than her at times for asking silly q's, reading her texts etc. i'm really at a dead end. I dont think i'm going to get over her anytime soon

star-pants

Agree with upmeath -- you can't expect your OH to cut ties with someone they're friends with because you feel uncomfortable about it.
But you also shouldn't make promises you aren't going to keep - like telling her you're cutting contact and then not, that makes her think there *is* something going on.
You say you were 'caught' emailing/texting an ex, the fact you put it that way makes it seem like it was being kept a secret.

Trust is a big thing, if you don't have trust you'll only go in vicious circles.
If things really are over with your ex, and you are trying to move on, I do empathise.
It is really tough when you've gotten so close to someone & given them your heart & soul. Learning to live without them can be really hard. And it will take time. You have to adjust not having them there, and not having them to talk to etc.
A good idea is to keep yourself busy, go out with friends, get involved in things. This means you're not sitting around feeling blue all the time.

prinz

So you read her texts, ask her questions about her ex's and friends presumably, you lied to her repeatedly and were in contact with 'an old flame', again repeatedly, despite promising you wouldn't. You obviously don't trust her but expect her to trust you, despite having betrayed that trust....

She dumped your sorry ass, and rightly so. No pity whatsoever.

biggybum

prinz wrote: »

So you read her texts, ask her questions about her ex's and friends presumably, you lied to her repeatedly and were in contact with 'an old flame', again repeatedly, despite promising you wouldn't. You obviously don't trust her but expect her to trust you, despite having betrayed that trust....

She dumped your sorry ass, and rightly so. No pity whatsoever.

Your right and i cant deny anything i'm in the wrong 100%, i accept all that. I've told her i can change and i believe that i can !! Its a trust issue with both of us. I've been an absoulute a**hole but i cant get over her... She means the world to me and i cant bear life without her

prinz

biggybum wrote: »

i cant bear life without her

Tell me that in a couple of years.

star-pants

biggybum wrote: »

Your right and i cant deny anything i'm in the wrong 100%, i accept all that. I've told her i can change and i believe that i can !! Its a trust issue with both of us. I've been an absoulute a**hole but i cant get over her... She means the world to me and i cant bear life without her

If she doesn't trust you then your word means nothing to her. You made promises before, but broke them. If she can't take that chance again then you can't really change her mind. You can explain how you feel / say what you want to change etc. But if she still won't trust you - then that's it I'm afraid.
You have trust issues with her too, and unless these issues are resolved there isn't a hope in anything being fixed. Stand back for now, give her her space, tell her you want to and will change - maybe there's a chance in the future if she sees changes. But you're better off accepting it's over for now. It won't do you any good to hold on.
She means the world to you - and you can't bear life without her, then why did you break her trust?

starchild

you need to give her time here, it may be that she misses you just as much but is hurting from the deception, given a little bit of time she might forgive and forget

That_Guy

Fair enough she was your old flame but she's an ex for a reason. There's no harm in staying in touch with people.

Fair enough you lied to her about not going to text or e-mail her but she should have trust too you know. Would her opinion have been any different if you hadn't previously hadn't hooked up with this girl?

prinz

That_Guy wrote: »

Fair enough you lied to her about not going to text or e-mail her but she should have trust too you know.

LOL :pac: yes SHE should have trust in a habitual lier. Trust is built you know, not instant.

pookie82

prinz wrote: »

LOL :pac: yes SHE should have trust in a habitual lier. Trust is built you know, not instant.

Totally agree. This insane idea that you should magically trust smeone who is constantly contacting an old flame who (for whatever reason) you would rather he didn't speak to, and consequently repeatedly lying to you about it, is ridiculous.

The op obviously figured that the odd email to this old flame was worth risking his relationship for, and paid the price. No pity.