Toxic Mother in Law

LegacyUser

Well she's not really my mother in law, we're not married- but anyway...

Ive been with my for nearly 6 years and we've just found out we are pregnant

It was a bit of a shock at first, but now that it has sunk in we are delighted. The only person who isn't happy for us is my partners mother. She seems to be more preoccupied with what people will think of her,( you know because her daughter is unmarried and preggers!), and reckons she is too young to be a grandmother and says that we are too young to be 'tying our selves down'. (I'm 29 and she is 25!! You'd swear we were 16)

Her mother had trouble getting pregnant when she first got married, and after having the youngest child, she had a hysterectomy. (Whether this was related to a complicated birth or an underlying medical problem I dont know) Anyways yesterday she said to my GF

'There i was for years trying my best to get pregnant, loNging for a baby and you get one when you dont even want a family' (We weren't trying for a baby, my girlfriand was on medication which effected the pill).

My gf is very upset with her mothers comments, especially when everybody else is delighted for us, including ourselves. People has been congratulating us left right and centre, some giving us nice little cards and a few boxes of chocolates. But all that we have gotten from her mother is a dodgy look and a weary sigh.

Now i know that this kind of news can really knock people for 6. My parents were shocked at first too, but once they realised that we were happy then that was enough for them. I just dont understand her mothers reaction. We broke the news nearly a month ago (only to a few close family members & friends), but her mother still cant seem to get her head around it.

This is a time when my girlfriend needs her mum. Any advice on how to get her mum to lighten up to it?

LegacyUser

every parent takes the news differently when i got pregnant my mother went mad too even though the baby was planned i felt i was doing wrong,she told me i was stupid and messing up my life but she calmed down within a couple of weeks, my dad was great with the news and it was him i was afraid to say it too,the way she feels is that her"little girl" is having a baby and as her mother she knows how hard it is,she might not realize yet that you have it under control and are happy with it but because it was unplanned she might think you have made a mistake she will get round it,at the end of the day she has a grand child on the way so give her time...its a big change and she knows 1st hand how both yours lives will change 4ever,bring her out for dinner and have a good talk and assure her you are happy and ready,when the baby arrives she will surprise you at how much she will love him/her just wait and see..babies have that effect on women
congrats by the way

bluecell99

I would'nt go out of my way to try to make her come round or anything like that.She is acting like a spoilt child.The world does not revolve around her.All you can do is carry on and in time you will have enough to be worried about and its her loss if she deliberately plays silly beggars.

Chances are when she sees shes getting no reaction from ye then she will have no choice but to accept the inevitable.

She may realise she is out of step when she sees everyone else has no problem with a long standing couple having a baby.

Just play it cool and dont worry about her.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

When I was 21 I got my 20 year old girl friend pregnant. No excuses about condoms etc, we just didn't use anything. So although it was a shock it wasn't a surprise.

I told my mother and father and whilst my dad was content with my decision my mother went ballistic and told me that last thing she needed was "a bastard in the famiily".

I totally lost it and walked out on her and never spoke to her for over a year. My girlfrend unfortunately lost the baby but I'll still never forget what she said.

I'm assuming you're living with your girlfriend? If so the most important thing is that you reassure her of you dedication to her and your unborn. Her mother will come round in the end. Unmarried mothers aren't anything to be embarassed by anymore.

dudara

As you pointed out, a lot of her attitude may be linked to her fertility issues.

Additionally, the mother-daughter relationship can be a strange one, often with tinges of jealousy especially as the daughter takes over from the mother.

I'd suggest giving her some more time and space to assimilate the news. It's a rare women indeed who doesn't want a grandchild. Just grin and bear her for now.

CDfm

Mother -in-laws are overated. I had one once and found out when I divorced her daughter that I lost her too.

Its quite a positive thing for your partner and you not to have her negative involvement and comments and for her daughter too. MIL seems very practiced in the Black Arts of Emotional Blackmail. There is a good handbook on this by the US Psychologist Dr Susan Forward and its named Emotional Blackmail. You may even find MIL has a whole section about her in it.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0694518379

Lollipops23

i understand the MIL is prob very shocked and probably jealous but if she doesn't get over herself soon i'd be avoiding her. the last thing your GF needs is this stress and negative crap from her at this time. it's a pity that her mum can't be there for her at such a special time in her life and at the end of the day her mum will probably look back and regret that she missed it all just because she thought she was too young to be a granny:rolleyes:

btw congratulations, you sound like a very supportive BF!

autograph

She is probably in shock. That can be quite a common initial reaction. Chances are that she'll be very excited when the baby arrives (that's assuming that the relationship doesn't break down completely before then,and I hope it doesn't)

CDfm

autograph wrote: »

She is probably in shock. That can be quite a common initial reaction. Chances are that she'll be very excited when the baby arrives (that's assuming that the relationship doesn't break down completely before then,and I hope it doesn't)

Or else she is Creulla de MIL from hell and you need to protect your child from her.Either way - you and your partner need to establish that you will not accept EB as a strategy from her.

Its her behaviour that needs to change & not yours.