Anorexic Sister?

allandanyways

I've posted rants about how my younger sister (16) doesn't give a fcuk about anything in her life and I've just found out that there is one thing she really cares about- her weight.

To cut a long story short, I needed to get a phone number out of her phone and she told me just to go and get her phone which was upstairs, and take the number out of it.
She's been having a rough time trying to keep on top of schoolwork (she's doing her leaving cert and spends every friday, saturday and sunday afternoon out drinking/wasting time with her friends). I've tried not to worry about her after boardies advised me that she cant fcuk up her life if she wants and she'll have to come back to me eventually.
So being the nosy b!tch that I am, I just flicked through her messages to see where she was actually going to be later (she's told mum she's going to a sleepover) and found messages from a girl in the UK, let's call her Sarah.

I don't know where my sister got this girl's number from, but I can only guess, judging by the messages that my sister met her through and is involved in one of these pro-anorexia/bulimia websites because one of the messages from Sarah read: "K babes. Decided Im not gna eat until 3.30, have salad made!Woo only 40cals!" to which my sister replied "Sounds lyk a plan,mum getting takeaway b4 i go out, just tell her that I'll eat at sleepover LOL".
Sarah then said in an earlier message "Will u b on later? Gonna put up sum new pics" to which my sister replied "Going drinking at 6,email them to me,im sure everyone will be jealous ms. size 4"

And the one that worried me the most was from Sarah and it said "Hey happy easter.Fat pigs in my fam feasting on eggs already.We have something better than that-control and skinnyness!3lbs more to go.We'll be sexy six stoners LOL"

What the hell am I supposed to do? My sister has her own laptop (she downloads dodgy music and dad was sick of viruses on the computer) so I can only guess that she's managed to be drawn into these sick websites, and no-one knows about it.
I thought all this time that she had absolutley no focus in life but it turns out that she is obsessed with her weight. I don't see her eat often in all fairness but she's never usually here. She ate a bar of Galaxy chocolate yesterday but she didn't run to puke it up or anything.I'm so confused.
I'm worried about this Sarah one if she's encouraging my sister to get to six stone. She's about 5 foot 5 and if she weighs six stone she's going to look ill. I would estimate she weighs around 8 or 9 stone now, it's hard to tell. We've fallen out recently about her "don't give a fcuk" attitude so I'm not even close enough to her anymore to ask her if anythings upsetting her.

Do I admit that I've read the messages? Or should I keep a closer eye on her now and look for other signs of anorexia and then confront her? I'm so worried... Sorry for the length and/or difficulty in reading this post, I'm shaking with anger and worry right now.

MagicMarker

Jumping to conclusions much?

allandanyways

MagicMarker wrote: »

Jumping to conclusions much?

So the fact that my sister is exchanging texts with a girl and the two of them are comparing calories and ways to avoid eating and aspirations to weigh six stone is probably all just a joke, and has nothing to do with anorexia?

I'm extremely upset with worry here for my sister, so if you have nothing constructive or helpful to say, please don't say anything.

dudara

Bodywhys are highly recommended in this kind of situation.

I don't know if there is much you can do yet. You only have suspicions right now, but defintely keep an eye on her.

As an aside, please leave the moderating to the moderators. We will deal with any posts that we consider unhelpful or off-topic.

easyeason3

I did the same thing when I was about 15. I can't honestly say what triggered it off but I woke up one morning & decided I wasn't going to eat so I could lose weight.
Anyway after doing that for about two years I eventually copped on because my skin & hair looked rank & my stomach was killing me. Family & friends tried to talk to me about it but I just didn't care & wouldn't listen to what they had to say. I was a typical sulky teenager who thought I knew everything & I had a nasty attitude to match.
I'm guessing your sister is the same so theres not a whole lot you can say to her that she will actually listen to. Look up body whys it should give you some useful information.
Also let your family know & maybe have a chat with the other girls mother so she's informed about what is going on.
I don't think you should tell her how you found out because she wil probably make a huge issue out of it to deflect attention away from the real problem, her eating or lack of.
Sit her down & say that you have noticed she's lost a lot of weight recently & that she looks like she's ill. Try & make it a calm, casual chat about her general welfare rather than a confrontational attack.
Hope what I said was some help.

MagicMarker

allandanyways wrote: »

So the fact that my sister is exchanging texts with a girl and the two of them are comparing calories and ways to avoid eating and aspirations to weigh six stone is probably all just a joke, and has nothing to do with anorexia?

I'm extremely upset with worry here for my sister, so if you have nothing constructive or helpful to say, please don't say anything.

No, but you're adding 2 & 2 and getting 20.

You don't know about any websites, you reading texts ffs that could be taken way out of context.

If you want to know what's going on then ask your sister, don't just make wild assumptions.

*Honey*

Totally disagree with Magic Marker.

I would be worried - I'm not sure what you can do as I'll imagine that she'll deny everything, freak out that you read her messages and cause havoc. I have seen a lot of these pro-ana websites and they are scary stuff. Anorexia is a serious mental illness and sufferers, once in the grip of it, really cannot make rational decisions for themselves -- in a way I see it as akin to addiction, and we all know addicts are liars and completely unreliable.

What your sister's eating habits? Does she eat in the house? Does she sneak off after meals to the loo? Does she hide food in her bedroom (the whole binge starvation thing can happen alongside the anorexia)? Does she cook a lot for the family but eat very little of what she's made? Does she lie a lot (that you can make out anyway?).

I agree, phone Bodywhys and ask for advice how to handle things. Depenidng on what they say, talk to your folks too. Hopefully she's not yet in the grip of this illness and it can be retrieved. But nobody should be under any illusions that anorexia is a serious mental illness and is tantamount to slowly committing suicide in front of everyone's eyes. She will NOT love you for bringing this up - not yet anyway.

RacoonQueen

Again, speak to bodywhys, tell them what you've told us, they have plenty of experience in things like this.

You say you haven't been getting on lately, you need to make sure that changes, get as close to her as you can and it'll make it easier when/if this develops into something more serious. Get close again, regain her trust etc a day out in town with the cinema, meal etc could be a good way to see how she reacts to food?

Lizard Queen

If she is anerexic she must be very good at hiding it as nobody else in your family has noticed, i had put on weight myself and went on a diet to get rid of it but it comes to a stage when it becomes an obession , you always want to loose more weight to be skinner, i would let your parents know make sure that she eats one or two meals a day , but it sounds abit like obsessive compulsive as she cant control the way her leaving it going to turn out she is controling what she is eatting

allandanyways

Lizard Queen wrote: »

If she is anerexic she must be very good at hiding it as nobody else in your family has noticed

My mum did notice that she was refusing meals and losing weight, but sister managed to persuade mum that she was just stressed. I've noticed more and more things now, she pats (almost slaps) her stomach after she eats or drinks anything and after I asked if she was having dinner, she said she had been snacking all day but conveniently, nobody had seen her eat. She's gone out drinking with her friends now, but I wouldnt imagine she even drinks a whole lot, and if she does, she'll probably run it off tomorrow.

I think I did hear her in the bathroom after she'd been in the kitchen earlier but I didnt hear coughing or anything, she was just in their for ages. I'd imagine vomiting makes a bit of noise and the walls are paper thin in this house, so unless she's figured out a way to silently get sick?

I don't know what to do tbh, I'd go a step further and go onto her laptop while she's not here but I know it's password locked and her password could be anything.

The rest of my family would be rather overweight and I think that has probably warped her mind slightly about what is a healthy weight and what is underweight in terms of her probable desire to be as far away from the rest of my family's weight as possible. I just don't know what to do, her advice any time I express concern is "I can look after myself, stop worrying about me" blah blah blah.

LegacyUser

My sister went through bulimia and it sounds like she definitely has an Eating disorder, I would try and help her.

Eric Cartman

i think you should make the parents have a talk with her, also how any girl could think being 5'5" and 6 stone would be sexy is far beyond me,

Lizard Queen

it has nothing to do with being sexy its about being in control, it is a very easy thing to get obcessed about , i just hope your sister gets the help she needs if she does have an eatting disorder

*Penbo*

I would say she definetly has some sort of eating disorder..
As i have 1 myself, alot of the things youre describing sound familiar to me. And believe me, if you want to be sick silently you can, so i wouldnt rule that out...
As for approaching her now, i dont know if that would be the best thing.. I think ringing up a helpline as people have said would be good... Wouldnt advise you to contact body whys as i did that myself a while ago looking for help/advice and they never got back to me :rolleyes: but thats just my experience..
good luck

allandanyways

Just had another look at the phone, Sarah has been texting her all day with the amount of calories she has eaten, and has described how she "couldnt do this without ana"

I know full well that ana is the pro-anorexia name for anorexia nervosa, and I am shaking with fear for what my sister has gotten herself into. I cannot tell my parents about this at the moment, my dad is currently in counselling for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and my mother is on valium for depression. What can I do myself? I need to help her without telling her straightaway that I read the messages on her phone.

Help.

Dublin_Gunner

Get onto her laptop to see if ou can confirm what you're thinking. Ask her for a lend of it to check something on the internet or something - make some excuse as to why you can't use the other laptop / computer.

Check her internet history, favourites, saved pages etc to see if you can find out where she has been surfing, and if indeed this is some sort of pro anorexia BS website she is in contact with.

If so, surely promoting anorexia is illegal, and this could be reported to the gardai.

As she is still under 18, your folks could take her laptop away etc They can also force her to sit down for family meals.

This could be some stupid phase she's going through either, thinking its cool to be involved with these people - no doubt some of her friends are too.

She may need counselling or some other support forum for eating disorders - but try to find out as much as you can about what you're dealing with befoer jumping to conclusions.

Best of luck.

*Honey*

To be fair Dublin Gunner, if she's in the middle of this banning her from the computer or forcing her to sit at the table will not help in any way and will probably make her more determined than ever to keep doing what she's doing. It's not really about food or eating - they are just used as methods of control. It's all about control - trying to regain it when you feel like you're lost.

OP please phone Bodywhys and tell them you are her sister and you're really concerned and what do they advise you can do. They are the experts - you need to find out what you can do without making her feel like everyone is against her or trying to tell her what to do.

rantyface

If you look at those sites, it appears that most of the people don't have disorders, they just want to lose weight and are trying to get anorexia because they see it as a way to drop some lbs. It's ridiculous, but just google "pro ana" and you'll see.
I hardly knew any girl who didn't go through a phase like that, and it's fair to say most women are sane. For a few months I used to eat 600kcal a day, and it never progressed from there. Unhealthy as it is, crash dieting is pretty normal for teens.

I'm not saying she doesn't have a disorder, I don't know her. I'm just saying that dramatic dieting and pro anorexia friends doesn't mean she does.

meganj

OP, your obviously worried and have every right to be. Under no cricumstance should you inave your sister's space. I know it's difficult not to look at the laptop or whatever but it's really important that she thinks that your on her side one hundred percent, otherwise she might push you away and you'll be left in the awful position of watching her do something silly.

It may be just a phase as some on this thread have pointed out, but your still worried and you know her more then anyone here. Talk to bodywhys and see what they suggest about talking to her and what you can do.

joseph brand

MagicMarker wrote: »

No, but you're adding 2 & 2 and getting 20.

You don't know about any websites, you reading texts ffs that could be taken way out of context.

If you want to know what's going on then ask your sister, don't just make wild assumptions.

Terrible post. As if she would admit it!! What planet are you on?
@OP, If you mention anoerexia to her you could get an ear bashing and a slap, 'IF' you're lucky.

Dudess

rantyface wrote: »

I hardly knew any girl who didn't go through a phase like that, and it's fair to say most women are sane. For a few months I used to eat 600kcal a day, and it never progressed from there.

Same here between 15 and 19 - it just fizzled out.

Unhealthy as it is, crash dieting is pretty normal for teens.

I'm not saying she doesn't have a disorder, I don't know her. I'm just saying that dramatic dieting and pro anorexia friends doesn't mean she does.

Yeah, it could be just a phase. I'm not minimising it but try not to panic too much - you'll only make yourself ill. Don't confront her whatever you do. Change your demeanour in such a way as to appear more approachable. Don't act all nice out of the blue - that will totally freak her out. Don't feign interest in her hobbies, friends etc - insincerity is really easy to spot. And don't say stuff like "I want you to know I'm always here if you need someone to talk to"... just keep a bit of a distance but try to lose any hostility.

dreamlogic

If her weight drops off drastically then is the time to consider saying something.
Otherwise you are better off leaving her to do her own thing and forget you even saw those messages. As others mentioned this is pretty normal stuff for teenage girls to go through. No point in worrying unless or until there is something to be worried about.

Taltos

Respect her privacy - phone and laptop.

However now that you have this info - you can act on it - or at least monitor it.
But by raising the issue directly with her you might actually encourage her down that path.

As per alot of the others most teenagers do start down this route and then figure out themselves it is wrong. Keep an eye on her, but why not try to be her friend - she might open up to you.

If you see her deteriorate then seek help or even now contact bodywise for professional advice on how to handle this.

Just do not "over-react", teenagers being teenagers with the hormones that go with it - all you will do is paint a target on your back and make sure she will never trust you to help her again.

Some simple hints to your family might help though - eg how about a family meal every few days or somesuch - transparent I know - but only if she knows you know...

allandanyways

I know I shouldnt have invaded her privacy, but I know my sister and although this is just a "phase", it's pretty clear from the way that this all started as soon as she got the laptop (she used to eat anything and everything and never really put on any weight, now she only eats grapes and strawberries and lettuce and tomatoes salads as well as drinking green tea and water) but also knowing my sister, this is her just rebelling against my parents (judging by her bebo, FB and pictures she's printed off and put on her wall, Mary Kate Olsen is her "thinspiration")

I confronted her the other day when she came downstairs and her hip bones were jutting out and you can see the ribs in her chest about how much weight she's losing and she said "I've never been on a pro-ana website" and went mad at me for accusing her of losing weight. She says she hasnt noticed which is bollox because she left an a4 pad on her bed the other day with how much she weighs at different times of the day on it. Yes I know I invaded her privacy again but you don't understand how much THIS CANNOT HAPPEN. I cant let her do this to my family.

What I want to communicate to her is that she needs to get the fcuk over this "rebellion" thing, because if she becomes any thinner, she is (A). Going to make me sicker than I already am, and worsen my problems with anxiety and depression because I cannot stop worrying about her, (B). My mother is only getting over an anxiety-related heart illness, if my sister continues this behaviour, she's going to put my mother back in hospital and I cannot deal with that again. This pretend/fashionable anorexia is so unbelievably selfish, I need to communicate to my sister that she cannot do this just because she wants to be thin, hot, young and fashionable.

How do you get an anorexic who doesn't have any sort of mental illness and therefore doesn't have actual anorexia to stop this stupid thing she's doing. I am so hurt and so angry that she doesnt care what she's doing to me or my family.

Karen09

tbh she doesnt care wat this is doing to u or ur fam. eating disorders are a way of the individual controlling their own life. its like every other type of abuse the individual is consumed in themselves, they dont care about others. i no how hard this is, but dont take it to heart. u need to get her help somehow before it is too late, regardless if she wants it or not.

Dublin_Gunner

What is all of this respect her privacy rubbish?? The girl is a MINOR - and any privacy she has is given to her out of the goodness of her family.

It is now being abused, and has the chance to cause herself serious physical harm, as well as hardship for the rest of her family.

She has lost her right to privacy, as it now NEEDS to be invaded to get to the root of the problem.

Pussy-footing around the issue is not going to help, these things need to be tackled head on.

IMO if it wasn't for the pansy arese / walking on eggshells way these issues are 'dealt' with, there would be such a problem in the first place.

When I was a kid, I was told to sit down and eat my dinner, or I wouldn't get ANY privileges - like tele, being allowed to go out etc.

I'm not advocating a Nazi regime at home, but kids need to be treated as kids, and not as adults - otherwise these issues become too prevalent.

LegacyUser

I don't know whether you should be worried... it sounds a lot like how I have been in the past. People were worried about me however, and I've improved a lot now, but I always thought I was in control and not doing anything very dangerous to myself. The fact that she is willing to go out drinking and consuming - from what it sounds like - a lot of empty calories, indicates that she can't be being too strict about her diet... silly maybe, with a lot of issues, but not full-blown anorexic.

You say she's eating fruits and salad - so at least she is still eating, and eating healthy stuff too and not purging. Unless her BMI gets dangerously low then there's not much you can do really. You also say she doesn't have a mental illness - how do you know? And you don't actually have to have a mental illness to develop an eating disorder, and not all eating disorders are "anorexia" - I consider myself to have an EDNOS, an Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified.

Also have you considered that she may be really upset? And just by being angry at her you're making things worse? Things in her life could actually really be upsetting her and instead of showing these emotions she feels that the only way of gaining any sort of control is by taking control of what she does/doesn't eat. I don't know what you can do to stop her texting this girl though, I'd say she's met her on a proana site for sure. Not everyone who visits these sites are anorexic though, many just want to lose weight and are just choosing silly ways to go about it, but also know where to draw the line...

Taltos

Few things

1 Control - thought I heard somewhere for some people they do this because it is the one thing in their lives that they feel they can control. If you mum is just recoving from an illness - maybe this has upset your sister more than you thought? As per one of the other posters - who knows what is going on outside of the house - maybe she is under pressure you are not aware of.
2 Not having a mental illness - again no clue to source - but thought I heard that eating disorders can trigger mental illnesses - upsetting brain chemistry etc.

However you have made the first step - you have now spoken to her about her weight and have not let on about her mobile or note pad in room. As before though it does seem like you need professional help here - not just advice from the mis-informed masses ( me and other here ).

Don't give up, it might get tough, but she has to be helped to get through this and if it is a control issue recognise that it is illusionary - she is now a slave to this method of weight control and is no longer it's master. At least now the topic is out in the open.

Wishing you the all best with this, just sorry there is no easy solution.