Parents don't really care about my poor health.

LegacyUser

To cut a long story short, when I was 18 I had cancer. I had 2 operations to remove the tumour and surrounding tissue. I was then put on medication which I must stay on for life. The medication is for 2 things, to stop the cancer from coming back and to do the job of a cancerous gland I had removed. Ever since, I haven't felt like myself. The medication makes me very tired and brain foggy. The dose is always being adjusted to try and compensate. I'm 25 now and for the past 3 years I've been struggling my way through university. Because I always feel ill, I've just been scraping through with the lowest possible marks. I would actually have failed each year if I hadn't had doctor's notes to explain why my marks are so rubbish. However, I've been feeling much worse than usual lately, and unfortuantely had to drop out of university with only one term left to go. My mother came an collected me and brought me home, where I've seen my oncologist and it turns out I need a totally new medication as the old one isn't working so well any more. I've been on this new medication for a month now and still feel pretty rubbish. There were also worries that the cancer may have come back as I have a lump again.
However, my parents are very unsympathetic. They care far, far more about my education than my health. They don't consider for a moment how disappointing it is for me to have to leave university with only a term to go, nor how horrible it is for me having been feeling unwell for the past 7 years. I have a very poor quality of life due to my condition. I almost never do anything fun nowadays because I don't have the energy. I never go clubbing, or to the pub, and rarely even meet up with friends for a chat because I just don't have the energy. At uni I spent all of my limited energy working. I never went to the pub or anything.
My parents are very resentful of the fact that they have to financially support me while I'm ill. Apart from food and shelter, I don't ask anything of them, I don't expect them to give me pocket money or anything. I hate living with them but am currently unable to get a job.
My mother keeps starting fights with me, yelling, "I can't support you forever! What are you going to do with your life! You'll have to get a job soon!" while my father guilt trips me, saying, "If you don't finish your degree, my life will have been wasted because I never achieved anything except having kids. So if you, as my child, don't get a degree, my whole life will be wasted! Get your degree so I can die happy!"
For gods sake, I've only been home a month! Even though my oncologist has told them that my extreme tiredness is a genuine medical problem, my mother keeps saying, "You only dropped out of uni because you couldn't be bothered to finish!"
For gods sake! Who on earth would drop out due to laziness with only a term to go! I have blood test results and my oncologist spoke to my mother to prove the severity of my illness but still she makes me feel guilty and unwanted. I don't expect them to support me forever, for gods sake, don't they think I want a normal life and to get away from here?
I would rather die than live with them for much longer. Even my sister keeps saying, "Why don't you just die! No-one wants you here." Its not like they've had to support me for long, I was living away at uni for nearly three years and lived abroad before that. I just need their help for a few months while I recuperate enough to function in the world again. I'll probably never feel very well, but hopefully once my new medication takes effect I can live away again. When I told my dad I was leaving uni and had a new lump, he didn't say a word about my illness, he just showed concern for my education. He went on about how disappointed he is in me for leaving uni. They keep saying, "You must get your degree so you can get a job and we don't have to support you!" My mum even suggested to my father that he try and find me a man to marry to take the burden off them!
I feel so hurt that they don't care much about me. I'm just a burden to them. All I want is to be healthy and get away from here. The stress of living with them and feeling so ill is making me contemplate suicide. I wish the cancer would come back. I would refuse treatment and then I could die without needing to actually kill myself. Because I can't work, I'm missing out on my dreams. I so desperately want to move abroad and have an enjoyable life again but I feel so ill and stressed right now that I don't know if that will ever happen. All I want is for my parents to be kind and sympathetic to me. They are so grudging about having to help me. My mum always complains about the cost of feeding me and complains that if I wasn't using my bedroom she could have more guests to stay. FFS we already have another 3 spare rooms, she doesn't need mine. She already kicked me out of the nice bedroom I used to have and relegated me to a worse one, even though nobody ever uses my nice old bedroom. She had a really nice spare flatscreen TV, but instead of letting me have it in my room, she put it in a spare room where nobody ever uses it. She is always doing little things like that to let me know how unwanted I am. She buys nice expensive marks and spencer food for herself but complains endlessly about having to buy me any food at all. My dad said today, "I am so old, you can't expect me to support you much longer," and then guilt tripped me about me staying here at their expense. He is 60, he's not that old! God, I only need help for a few months while I recuperate! I just don't know how long I can cope with this. I have nowhere else to live. I have no other relatives I could stay with, I have no money and of course I can't ask friends if I can live with them for free for a few months. My life has been such a trial for so long, I just don't know what to do.

CathyMoran

Unfortunatly it is hard for anyone to understand what a seriously illness can do to you unless you have been there yourself. My husband has crohns which I actually studied in college but I did not fully understand the fatigue aspect until I got cancer of the gastrointestinal tract. I have had to adapt my life to my new normal which is thankfully getting better but it is a struggle. I imagine that your parents mean the best for you but do not know how to show it.

The Irish Cancer Society are great, it helps to know that you are not alone (1800200700). Pm me and I can give you some other useful links.

alegrabaroque

You should be able to qualify for disability allowance to get you through this tough period. You should rent a room somewhere when you get that sorted the stress your under could only make you sicker. If you are in the Dublin or Louth area please pm me with your details and I will help you all I can. Female 28 have had a similar but lesser experience with family and illness issues.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I actually don't live in Ireland though, I live in the UK. When I was at uni I got the disabled student's allowance so I guess benefits are something I could consider applying for. I have had my own flat in the past though, and ended up living in a total s***hole with police raids, drug addict neighbours and non-stop parties, I don't want to end up living somewhere like that again. At least here I have peace and quiet while my family are out. I also really just wish my family cared about me more, and I don't understand why they don't. I mean, their child had cancer FFS and when I told them about my diagnosis the first time, my mum accused me of being a hypochondriac, my sister said, "Well I'm glad you've got cancer I hope you die," and my dad only cared about how it would affect my A-Levels. This was even after the doctor told them that even if the treatment gets rid of the cancer I still have a 20% chance of dying within 10 years.

LegacyUser

OP, you had Thyroid cancer?
If so, get a more sympathetic doctor who will listen to you, get blood tests regularly, and there should be no reason why with the correct dose you feel fine again. If you are tired all the time go see a doctor!

tinkerbell

Unregg45678 wrote: »

I mean, their child had cancer FFS and when I told them about my diagnosis the first time, my mum accused me of being a hypochondriac, my sister said, "Well I'm glad you've got cancer I hope you die," and my dad only cared about how it would affect my A-Levels. This was even after the doctor told them that even if the treatment gets rid of the cancer I still have a 20% chance of dying within 10 years.

What the hell? I can't believe what your sister said :eek::mad::mad: OMG and your mother and father, that's just shocking :eek: I don't think that's denial or not knowing how to handle it, I think that's pretty damn selfish, horrible and absolutely the worst thing you could say to someone who has a serious illness.

Your family are being total a$$holes to you, I mean you've got enough to worry about without worrying about what they think of you. They should be supporting you, not getting annoyed that you can't go out and work because you're recovering from cancer and the meds are affecting you, I mean FFS what do they expect you to do? Go out and work and recover at the same time? They seriously have not got a clue.

Have you got any other family members that could help you? e.g. grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends? Anyone that has got some sort of a soul and doesn't spend the whole time just thinking about themselves (which is what your parents and sister are doing).

This is just absolutely shocking, I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I hope you can get through this.

Wagon

Unregg45678 wrote: »

My parents are very resentful of the fact that they have to financially support me while I'm ill.

Well now that's their own ****ing fault isn't it? God you'd swear you'd conceived yourself!

My mother keeps starting fights with me, yelling, "I can't support you forever! What are you going to do with your life! You'll have to get a job soon!" while my father guilt trips me, saying, "If you don't finish your degree, my life will have been wasted because I never achieved anything except having kids. So if you, as my child, don't get a degree, my whole life will be wasted! Get your degree so I can die happy!"

Arsehole. Nuff said.

I would rather die than live with them for much longer.

I can't blame you, especially when you put up with crap like this.

Even my sister keeps saying, "Why don't you just die! No-one wants you here."

Unbelievable. Your sibling's opinions are of no importance to you. In you're case neither are you're parents.

This is a complicated issue. Let me start my saying that first off absolutely none of this is your fault. You're parents decided to have kids, no you. They didn't consider all the possibilities and possible problems of bringing a child into the world and that's their own fault. So the next time your dad starts saying things like "let me die happy", suggest he watch some Billy Connolly while standing in the middle of the M1.
Do you not have any mates you can stay with? Hell, if I lived in England I'd invite you over to stall it in my gaff for the rest of the year!:(

dudara

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

EastWallGirl

Hi like the poster above, you can stay at my house.

Look as someone who had only a few subjects to go until the degree was completed, do not give up with only a few subjects and that is not for your dad, for yourself.

Go to the University and ask to speak to student welfare office and ask about deferral and getting a list of your results so far, because if you do not complete with your university you may complete it elsewhere or you could do it online, or you could apply to the ERASAMUS programme and do it on the continent when you feel better. Do not give those marks away that you have worked hard for and this is not for your dad but for you.

15 Years later I regret it as I am doing CELTA now and one the requirements is that little piece of paper, it does not matter everyone wants that little piece of paper and it does not matter how bad the marks are, anyway you completed it under exceptional circuimstances.

Most families have a black sheep, it sounds like in this case you are surrounded by them.

If you do not have the energy to speak to your universty or look ino things, PM me and we can talk about if you want to give me your details and I can look into it while you focus on looking into getting an allowance etc and moving out if you need to.

Take care and look after yourself.

CathyMoran

Unregg45678 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I actually don't live in Ireland though, I live in the UK. When I was at uni I got the disabled student's allowance so I guess benefits are something I could consider applying for. I have had my own flat in the past though, and ended up living in a total s***hole with police raids, drug addict neighbours and non-stop parties, I don't want to end up living somewhere like that again. At least here I have peace and quiet while my family are out. I also really just wish my family cared about me more, and I don't understand why they don't. I mean, their child had cancer FFS and when I told them about my diagnosis the first time, my mum accused me of being a hypochondriac, my sister said, "Well I'm glad you've got cancer I hope you die," and my dad only cared about how it would affect my A-Levels. This was even after the doctor told them that even if the treatment gets rid of the cancer I still have a 20% chance of dying within 10 years.

In terms of the statistics you have to look at them another way, you were given an 80% chance of surviving 10 years if you get rid of the cancer, you can beat this. As you are in the UK there is a really great website that deals with young people with cancer http://no-surrender-network.org/ I can not reccomend it highly enough and there are bound to be people online in similar circumstances to you. Hope that this helps.

KittyeeTrix

dudara wrote: »

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

Is the girl not getting enough flak?

Ann22

Op I'm shocked and horrified at your parents' attitude!! What kind of people are they?! There's a chance you may be suffering from depression on top of everything...it wouldn't be surprising,it's not unusual for people who've been through what you've been through to get seriously depressed. I really hope you get a clear result from this latest health scare and you can focus on your future. Take care.

alegrabaroque

dudara wrote: »

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

Lucky you that your family is so great that this is unimaginable to you. This does happen very regularly and has happened to me personally. People are so selfish, even family, they can tell themselves anything to make sure they don`t have to do anything. Have you ever been in any situation remotely resembling this girls? She couldn`t not get cancer she had no hand in her circumstances at all.

dudara

Have you ever been in any situation remotely resembling this girls?

I've had open-heart surgery as a child and more recently, surgery for a detached retina.

She couldn`t not get cancer she had no hand in her circumstances at all.

No one can. That is not my point. My post stated that I think her post was very one-sided and a bit self-indulgent. I may be very wrong in which case I apologise. When you think that the whole world is against you, that is usually called paranoia.

LegacyUser

I think your story is the saddest thing I have ever read on Boards. Here was me feeling sorry for myself for losing my job/not finding a new one etc. I cannot believe your sister would say something so extreme... why would she do that?? I dont think I could tell my worst enemy that I wanted them to die, that's horrendous! I really hope your situation improves. I imagine you can defer your college course for a while til you get back on your feet...? Try to ignore those horrible unhelpful remarks you get from your family. I'm sorry I dont have any real advice.

pajodublin

dudara wrote: »

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

An absolute disgraceful post, you should be ashamed of yourself posting somethin like that.
And your a Mod here, have a little bit of common sense FFS.
You should have banned yourself for a useless reply as im sure you've done it to enough people in here for the exact same reason

OP, keep your head up, i know its easy for me to say but things will get better. You have so much to look forward to in life.
As you said yourself you have dreams, these dreams are worth seeking and should not be hampered by people who could not care less if you lived or died.
I'm around the same age as you and i know that there is so much time left for us to follow our dreams.
Be strong, as strong as you can. There has been some great replies so far. Im just hoping you can find some help for yourself (maybe with the help of a friend or somebody that has offered in here)
You're putting up with a lot and i would like to see you get through this to happier times.
PLEASE, keep us updated on how you are getting on. Im sure a few of us would be interested to hear of you doing well for yourself down the line.

Take Care

G86

dudara wrote: »

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

At a risk of being lynched - I do understand the point Dudara's making. Your post does come across as one sided. However, I think its the extremely intolerable way in which your parents are behaving that makes it seem that way, its very hard for some people to believe that families can be this bad.

I do honestly believe you though, and I'm wondering if you have any other relatives you can turn to? An aunty or uncle maybe? Maybe they could even have a word with your parents? Its horrible that you're being treated as a burden when you have no control over your illness

Pub07

dudara wrote: »

I very curious about your post. Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe, so it makes me wonder if what we are hearing here is very one-sided.

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible. You originally had cancer 7 years ago right?

Your post does have a touch of the 'me me me' about it. Now I do understand that cancer is a terrible illness and I completely understand that tiredness can really ruin a person's life. I don't doubt your illness, but I am questioning your attitude and version.

That is some joke of a post, especially coming from a moderator. A touch of the 'me me me'?? This is the personal issues forum for god sake almost every post here is about 'me me me'. Questioning her attitude? What attitude should she have when she has come through cancer at 18, been given a 20% chance of dying within the next ten years, feeling ill all the time, not able to do anything, see any friends, having to drop out of college with one month left, and on top of that her family are treating her terribly. What attitude do you expect her to have? There are people posting on here the whole time who say everythings fine with their life but they are feeling 'depressed' for some reason and people try and give them a bit of support. And in this case we have an OP who actually does have very serious issues and reasons to feel down and you, a moderator, come out with a post like that?

'Your whole family cannot be anti-you in the way you describe' 'no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible.'...what the hell are on about? You do know there are familys out there where children get the crap beat out of them or are sexually abused on a regular basis...so what is so hard to believe about the OP's situation? Not everyone has a caring family.

useful_contacts

im sorry hun but iv no advice here... i just want to say you prob have slapped us all in the face-

we are all here saying "iv no job" " my bf wont sleep with me" "i cheated" when you are dealing with cancer and an asshole family.Sorry darling i know they are your family but thats all they are

If you were my friend and i knew you were dealing with that id make you live with me. Do your friends know how they treat you?

I hope to god your ok hun- because i think i have probs and reading your post shows me that im pure selfish thinking i have worries compared to yours

Hugz
xxx

LegacyUser

Yes, I had thyroid cancer. Thyroxine was totally not working for me though, apparently it just doesn't agree with some people. There are substitutes that I can try though, my oncologist has recently put me on a replacement.

Everyone in my family is kind of weird, everyone hates everyone else for no apparent reason. Almost every member of the family has another member who they are not speaking to. For example of what they're like, when my cousin got married, not a single member of the family went to the wedding, not even her own parents. When my aunt died, hardly anyone except me and my mum went to the funeral. My other aunt and mother haven't spoken in years and don't go anywhere they know the other might be. My cousin's parents refuse to speak to her husband. These are just a few examples of what my family are like, they all just resent and hate each other, I don't know why, it's always been like this. So it's not only me that they're mean to, but I don't understand why they have to be quite this horrible to me. My sister has always been horrible to me, when I was 17 I made a serious suicide attempt (becuase I couldn't stand living at home any longer) that landed me in hospital for a week. My sister came to visit me only to tell me that she wishes I had finished the job and should try again.

I think my mum just hates having to look after me. She has always gone on about how having kids totally ruins your life, and any time a man has shown any interest in me, she has always tried to persuade me to marry him, just to make me someone else's responsibility. She is always buying new pets and then after a few months she gets bored of looking after them and gives them away, then a few months later buys new ones, so I think it's just her nature. She doesn't want any responsibility. She always says, "I've done my time looking after you kids, it's my time now."

dudara, if you find my post unbelievable, I can only assume you must have had a really nice family. The things I'm describing are just the tip of the iceberg. My problem is just how to cope with this until I recuperate enough to get the hell out of here. All I want in life is to move abroad and never come back and never see any of my family again.

My university, unlike my family, were extremely nice and helpful to me, and as soon as I have the energy I'm going to complete my degree. I really need to, because it's my only ticket away from here now. My friends know what my family are like. When we were at school, my best friend let me sleep at her house nearly every night (her mother actually insisted I stay at their house because she knew what my family are like.) Unfortunately my friends from my home town all moved away for university, made new lives and didn't come back, except once or twice a year to visit. I myself had made a new life and wouldn't have come back if I could have avoided it.

dudara

OP, thanks for coming back to us.

Your post made the situation a lot clearer to me. My family was no better or no worse than anyone elses, but I did find it hard to believe that such family as yours could exist.

I think that the only piece of advice that I could offer (and strangely I would have said this following your first post) is to live your own life and do your own thing. Think positive and don't let circumstances depress you.

EastWallGirl

My university, unlike my family, were extremely nice and helpful to me, and as soon as I have the energy I'm going to complete my degree. I really need to, because it's my only ticket away from here now. My friends know what my family are like. When we were at school, my best friend let me sleep at her house nearly every night (her mother actually insisted I stay at their house because she knew what my family are like.) Unfortunately my friends from my home town all moved away for university, made new lives and didn't come back, except once or twice a year to visit. I myself had made a new life and wouldn't have come back if I could have avoided it.

That is great that the Uni will help you, and good on you for perservering. Is your friends mum still in town, now I am not saying go live her but would she mind if you dropped over once a week for a cup of tea and a chat?

Best of luck with your new medication and finishing your degree, you will do it. You are not going to change your mum and dad (nor your family by the sounds of it) and there is no rule about being best friends with your sister. Let them at it. Just keep out of their way, go to the library and perhaps join a meet up group if you have a special interest. YOu being calm and happy will irritate them more then anything and will help your physical (and mental) healing process.

kelle

OP, can I say a big congratulations on getting as far as you have with your degree, which you have achieved under very difficult circumstances. I found study hard, but I had my full health. If you were my sister/daughter, I would be SO proud of you and I would be shouting it from the rooftops.


When my parents were both diagnosed with cancer, I did everything I could for them and spent my times alone crying my eyes out. At the same time, a lady in our town was also diagnosed with terminal cancer and her children & husband were awful to her - her daughter would accuse her of being lazy when she couldn't get out of bed in the morning, or do housework/cooking, amongst other things. Because of them, I know families like yours exist. I really don't know what to say, you're not going to change them at this stage of their lives. What age is your sister - she sounds so evil! If she was 4, I wouldn't pass much remarks but I assume she's much older.


I know you're going to finish that degree, you have such determination. Then you can wave goodbye to your hellish family.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the support everyone. I can't really drop over to visit my friend's mum at the moment because she lives about half an hour away and I can't really travel that far at the moment.

My sister is 22. She has always hated me. I think it's because she has always been extremely overweight while I have always been fairly slim. By the time she was in her mid teens she weighed over 21 stone and recently had a gastric band fitted. My medication made me put on weight and I am now about 2 stone overweight while she has lost weight with her gastric band. She is always gloating about this, saying that hopefully soon I'll be really fat and she'll be really thin, then she can make fun of me all the time. So I think thats why she hates me, she has been jealous of me for a long time. I never made fun of her for being fat though, when we were younger I would defend her from the other kids' taunts.

I hope I can finish my degree soon, my family are putting the utmost pressure on me to start again in the next academic term this september. I feel it's way too soon, I really need some pressure-free time to recover, but they're not giving me any choice. My parents say I can either start uni again this autumn, or move out and go on benefits, or find someone to marry, or they won't give me any support any more.

SheRa

Ok i think that you really need to explore moving out. Talk to your local community welfare officer about what beenfits you could receive.

I know that you said earlier that you lived alone and it was a horrible place and at least its better being at home from that point of view, but you could find a lovely place, even a room in a house that at least you would be at peace in. I wouldnt be surprised if your awful family is affecting your recovery and you need to look after yourself pet. My heart really goes out to you. Take care

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible.

Dudara this can happen. I cared for my mother for 6 years from when I was 12-18. She gradually detirorated through this time. We lived in the arse-end of nowhere with no car. What happened here? My sister , 10 years older lived 40 minutes away with her 'own life' and rolled up every 2 weeks to bring my Mum into the nearby town for a day out, or whatever, my older brother spent every waking moment in his friends house in that town and came home about once a week. Illness tests a families strength. My mother grew to resent me because she was only ever in my company, even up to the day she died. Zero of that was my fault, she transferred her feelings of abandonment because of what her other children did over to me. I can understand the OP some people are just arseholes, selfish and ignorant. I'd say perhaps try stay with a friend, a best friend, someone who understands because I thank god I'm able to at least choose my friends, because if I could choose my family I would have replaced all of them except my mother.

LegacyUser

OP you should be seeing an endocrinologist as well as your oncologist to sort out your hormones/thyroid replacement.

You sound really depressed and your toxic family are only going to make this worse. Thyroid problems can cause depression as can environmental factors-your family! But also people do become depressed in recovery from serious illness sometimes.

You do seem to be really dwelling on the negatives at the moment. Granted you have been quite seriously ill in the past but your tiredness now is because of your thyroid which is a minor matter compared to what you have already been through although until the fatigue is sorted it will feel major. If you are depressed on top of this you tiredness will fell even worse.

Sorry but I have to agree to a point with some of dudaras first post. You need to help yourself and get away from your family. I would hope you are entitled to some form of benefits at the moment.

Lollipops23

OP i know it's difficult, but you're never going to get better with that lot around you.they are sad pathetic people who never amounted to much and feel they can take it out on you. but you'll show them, by doing whatever it takes to get better and by getting your degree(but only if that matters to you)

i'd second what other posters said about looking into welfare payments that you could be entitled to. first things first try and get the meds sorted though. and everytime they say something horrid to you just stare straight at them and smile. i reckon it gives them thrills to see you upset by the crap they come out with.

beth-lou

I think it's time to extract yourself from your family and stand on your own two feet. I would think that being in that very enviornment may be harming your health both physically and mentally. You have already overcome so much with your cancer battle, the next one is leaving your family behind.

The story you tell is pretty grim, and while I am appalled at the aapparent lack of understanding, perhaps your cancer has taken it's toll on your family too. Perhaps your parents are actually tired of the whole thing and they are expressing that to you, in the wrong way, but it is being vented and it is not good for you.

Perhaps your sister is tired of the attention your illness took and deprived her of for most of her teenage years. Perhaps she resents you for that. Perhaps she over ate to comepensate for that. Who knows, but I reckon if you were to delve in there, you would find many conflicting reasons for people behaviour. Some of it understandable, some of it out of line. But the thing with cancer, it not only affects the victim, it takes it's toll on the whole family and it sounds as if yours is worn out by the whole thing.

I think you should consider counselling. I think it would be great if your whole family would consider it, but maybe that's not an option.

But there is one thing that you can do to make things better for you, and that is to move out of home and to deal with your recovery as the adult that you now are. Do you have supportive friends? If your family are as unsupprotive as this, they are no good to you anyway. To be honest they sound frustrated and I would say they do care about you, but they are tired of it all. I am not excusing their behaviour in any way, because from what you've said it does sound like a toxic situation, but perhaps they have issues of thier own due to your illness.

My advice is move out, go to couselling and then try to talk to your parents about how you feel, and also ask them how they feel and take it from there.

LegacyUser

beth-lou wrote: »

IPerhaps your sister is tired of the attention your illness took and deprived her of for most of her teenage years. Perhaps she resents you for that. Perhaps she over ate to comepensate for that.

To be honest they sound frustrated and I would say they do care about you, but they are tired of it all. I am not excusing their behaviour in any way, because from what you've said it does sound like a toxic situation, but perhaps they have issues of thier own due to your illness.

I'm not quite sure where you got this impression from. Deprived my sister of attention for most of her teenage years? A week after my cancer was diagnosed I had an operation, then another operation a week later. I stayed at my parents house for 2 weeks after the operation until I had full mobility again (because I couldn't move my neck for nearly 2 weeks afterwards) then I went straight back to college. All of my further treatments and hospital appointments I did alone. Every time I was ill because of my medication before this, I struggled with it alone. When my condition deteriorated so much on several occassions that I was rushed to hospital, I came back alone in a taxi because my family did not come for me. My parents and sister did not stay home during those weeks after my operation to care for me or anything, they went about their usual business. They did not pay me any extra attention or deprive my sister of her usual attention for those weeks. Aside from that time and this past month, they have not given me any help whatsoever, never mind depriving my sister of attention for most of her teenage years. She was also morbidly obese before I became ill, that has nothing to do with me.
My parents have had to deal with my problems for maybe a total of 2 months in the past 7 years. The rest I did alone so however tired they are of it, I am more tired.

Tim Robbins

CathyMoran wrote: »

Unfortunatly it is hard for anyone to understand what a seriously illness can do to you unless you have been there yourself. My husband has crohns which I actually studied in college but I did not fully understand the fatigue aspect until I got cancer of the gastrointestinal tract. I have had to adapt my life to my new normal which is thankfully getting better but it is a struggle. I imagine that your parents mean the best for you but do not know how to show it.

The Irish Cancer Society are great, it helps to know that you are not alone (1800200700). Pm me and I can give you some other useful links.

Very thoughtful post from Cathy. I haven't experienced anything close to the OP. I was sick for 6 months once and I remember my Mum and I getting on each other's nerves even though she was a great support. Dito the rest of the family.

I really wished my dog was still around as we were quite close and I think if you are a dog lover they are great for situations when you are sick.

I am just wondering would some good councilling help you. Like I said I don't have a life experience even close to your's and I wouldn't even know that much about councilling but I am just wondering if you put in systems between yourself and family and work via the systems, would it help you?

hot2def

OP -


Ive never been in a situation as bad as your, but I have some horrendous issues with my close family.


When its really bad, you will get people who just cannot believe that a family can work like that, because their own experience plus whatever friends and
tv tell them is devoid of an example. Lucky them.

No one ever admits that its possible that your parents just aren't good people.

ferdi

Obviously the OPs post in one sided but even if half true, that is probably the most upsetting and shocking personal issue i've read in 8 years of reading these forums. I simply cannot comprehend your family's attitude and behaviour towards you and your condition, the mind boggles. OP i wish I had advice for you, all i can reiterate is that you need to get out of that toxic environment somehow, cut your family out of your life as soon as possible and never look back. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Maybe they worry who will take care of you when they are gone, they are sad you don't have the same opportunity to finish your education as quickly as other people.

Maybe they are in denial: they thought your cancer was cured, and have not accepted the fact that you have to be on medication for the rest of your life, and that the cancer may come back.

Siblings are a whole other matter. Things I did to annoy my parents, I didn't find out until my sister took great pleasure in telling me about it.

I would hope that every parent wants the best for their child, but people under stress can behave inappropriately.

I would say if there is some way to move out, do it.

LegacyUser

My mum really upset me last night. Because my family are pressuring me to get out of here, yesterday I applied to a foreign university to continue my studies there even though I don't feel at all up to it yet. (I've been studying to become a teacher.)
I told my mum I had applied to continue my course. I thought she'd be happy since she keeps going on about it. But instead she said, "I don't know why you bother. I can't see you making it as a teacher."
I asked why not and she said, "You're just not the right kind of person."
Honestly, I can't do anything right around here. I don't think anything will make her happy. At least my dad is happy about it and says he will try and give me a bit of money to help me on my way.

moco

Where in the UK do you live OP?

LegacyUser

Why? I live in the south but I don't want to say where as I don't want to run the risk of identifying myself any more than I may have already.

redout

In all honesty your parents sound like complete uncompassionate dicks from your post. I really dont know what to tell you but if the opportunity comes up to get out of there jump at it. Life is to short and given your ailments you really shouldnt have to put up with that crap from them in the first place.

aare

dudara wrote: »

Additionally no family will ignore or not care for a sick member, that simply is not possible.

Dudara,

I am honestly glad you have had such a sheltered life (particularly considering your own health problems), and I wish what you are saying was true...

...but unfortunately it is not...

OP...thyroid cancer is a bum rap...but an emotionally abusive family is a worse one...

...and not least because there is always someone who genuinely believes that "your own family could not possibly treat you like that", and, at least, half blames you for it.

Mine certainly could, and worse...I have no trouble believing you.

You deserve a family to love and support you...but, unfortunately, you were not issued with one.

As you say yourself, you may only have another 10 years, so you cannot afford to waste time mulling over how unfair that is. The best you can do for yourself is to claim everything you can, get away from them, and start to treat *yourself* the way a loving, supportive family should treat you.

Good luck.

moco

Unregg45678 wrote: »

Why? I live in the south but I don't want to say where as I don't want to run the risk of identifying myself any more than I may have already.

Cos I'm in London so PM me if you're near and want to talk.

InReality

Op all i can say if is fair play for managing this far.
I can't imagine how I would cope if my family was like that.
That parents can act like that and say such stuff.. It leaves me speechless. As for your sister .. jesus.

Cancer treatments are getting better all the time , which i don't think are/can be taken in a/c when giving stats.

Take care of yourself.

LegacyUser

Well, I have checked out going abroad to study and it's not gonna happen. Foreign universities do not care that I have university credits from the years I spent at uni. They want someone with A-Levels and I don't have those. Firstly, my parents say they don't want to support me while I get A-Levels, and secondly I really don't have the energy for such a long, hard slog anyway (getting a-levels, then getting qaulified in the language, then doing a degree.) The foreign universities said even if I completed my last degree first it makes no difference, since I don't have a-levels they don't consider me to have a full secondary education, which means I'm not eligible for admittance. I don't know what to do. I looked into getting benefits as well, but all of the form filling out, getting medical certificates, getting reports from my university to prove I got the disabled students allowance, and all kinds of other stuff I have to do, I just don't have the energy to do it. Plus they said I would only get £50-something a week to live off, how can I live off that anyway?

All my hopes and dreams are down the pan and I don't have the energy to keep fighting like this. I am sick and tired of struggling just to stay afloat, of having no emotional support, of feeling exhausted and of having blood tests every few weeks. I had one just yesterday and it was so horrible, they drew off so much blood that I fainted right there in the nurse's office. When my mum heard about that, she laughed. I just can't take this any more. I am seriously contemplating suicide.

aare

No...please...

Not that...not till you have tried EVERYTHING...

Why not come over here?

Under the circumstances SURELY we can find an organisation, or a TD who will conspire to get every rule in the book bent ever-so-slightly to get you Irish welfare??

(...refusing to support a young woman with a callous family, who may be living her last 10 years, will hardly save the country...we are in a WAY worse mess than THAT...)

Lollipops23

OP please stop now,before you do anything drastic.ok so you tried the studying abroad route and that didn't work out, so on to the next thing.look into benefits more,slowly and at your own pace. just block your petty excuse for human beings-family,tune it out and stop caring about them.seriously,they should be locked up for life over this....is their no laws against bullying and neglecting someone who's disabled and in your care??

i'd seriously urge you to talk to the samaritans.no one here can help with your suicidal feelings, you need to talk to professionals.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Ive been in a similar situation before where i was sucidal because of my situation with my family, I was left when i was 18 and had no where to go i really thought i would commit sucide because i felt i had no one, I was depressed for years but i found a way out.

I dont know what its like in England but over here there is councelling support for free, there is also a lot of government funded courses i did which made me qualify for rent allowance and the dole. I started of with nothing but eventually got into 3rd level college and got myself a degree, i have no junior cert or leaving cert, but there is support for mature students and lower income people, you might get something like this.

I know this might sound drastic but there are shelters for women that you could go to, if you are in this situation you might then claim the dole and they can get you on a course where you can get rent relief, You are in a situation where it is quite drastic you are not welcome in your parents home and they are adding stress to your health, not only are you mentally being pushed to the edge but you are also ill, i think this justifies going to a shelter for women and getting the support you need to get on your feet.

I have learned that if you want to survive there is support out there, I asked everyone, the vincent de paul - they gave me 100 per month education grant, the community welfare officer - they gave me 2k toward paying for some therapy i needed, Student loan, helped me through, I had my rent covered and the btea allowance every week, i managed to get on my feet.

Drastic times call for drastic measures, research some shelters in your area, once you have another address there and some people to support you you might get free of your family and onto a new life.

Sorry if this is not helpful, I am really sorry this is your reality right now, but keep the faith, something will come up, well done for having the courage to survive through your un supportive family from dealing with them you are probably stronger than you think,

Please dont give up, you need a support network, maybe seeing a free therapist could link you up.

LegacyUser

I read all of your story and found it really sad you must be so overwhelmed by everything. I know how it feels not to have your parents understand or care about you or you illness it is already difficult enough without having any proper support to help you. I wish i could help you in some way. Hope you are ok, mind yourself hopefully things will get better when you can move out. Try and get the disability payment it will give you some independence.

Take care,

Lucy